If it would be, it would be this

Ah
I’m trying to keep several thigns up at the same time, according to writing and to where I am writing.
Not very easy that, but at the same time the others are clearly for me so eventhough everything is open in this WWW, I don’t think anyone will ever find those things because I can’t think what would be the interest. Unless I start to write more interesting things about my studies.

Well there’s interesting things about studies, but I’m not articulating those thing very well.
I’m in this mm.. conflict(?) within the interests. Right now I’m reading book by Andre Lepecki, “Exhausting dance” and it’s really hugely interesting, and at the same time I feel that I could never create dance through such a analyctical though points of views eventhough I like to think myself as analytical. Nevertheless when faces with real analytical thinking I have a tendency to lift my hands up and give up.
The world is such a complex network of… yes what… networks. and at the same time world is so simple.
Some of the feeling I get when reading Lepecki, or philosophy, or UG Krishnamurti is that we would have this parasite within us, or within language… That actually the really living thing is something else than the biological beings, but actually the being is really living in the network of language or symbols that the biological beings create, and somehow that network of symbols or that being(s) living there are controlling the biological being, and we are traped within, and only through luck we can break free of it..
And it’s not even social control, it’s far beyond of normativeness of social/unsocial behaviours, it’s hidden inside of the very.. not even language but thinking… not even thinking but being… Somehow

On summer in Berlin I saw a dream.
For a long time I have though, and in some I still think that language is ideas, ideas made visible and without language it would not be. Of course different people think by different means, and language is one way of articulating the idea.
However in this dream I was having dicussion with Sveta who at point had told me that it’s so difficult for her since first she has to make a though and then she has to translate that into english, like there’s double process, first making the idea/though into language and then translating that into another language.
And I was explaining back to her that there’s a double work, that if I use a lot of english like I do now, I don’t need to translate from language to another but i can “dress” the though with the language needed. Unfortenutaly at the moment I have only 2 ways of (a)dressing, Finnish and English.
That living being, a parasite, or truth or what ever is in that space before the language, before the social concepts, bending the biological into it’s use.. until we break free.

Eventually the freedom comes, but it doesn’t come to me, it comes, and it’s only it. It’s nothing else.
So language or thinking is eventually locked up. Now most of the hippie friends will be happy because this is their mantra, but unfortenutaly they’re fucked as well. Because when advocating “feeling”, “heart” “emotion” they are as locked up. Because actually is not language that is locked up, it’s all categories, which tend to come from language, but to be aware without language of somekind doesn’t seem to be possible at all.

I wrote about communication before, and how the only reason to communicate is that there is categories or concept of, I You We Us etc… Leave those and there’s no one and nothing to communicate about. No inside, no outside…
Ah something about language and communication: watch.

So, coming back to myself.. Why am I doing what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Why it would be important to do?
Is there a way to change things when things are always changing?
If not, then why not, and how not not?

More importantly, can dance, movement or non-movement, tell something about where how what when?
If there is me, what is the role of me?
If there is a role.

Yesterday was solictice. Winter started over here, but for me we are heading towards spring. Midwinter is over.

Stop, start.

Crows

Ah
Just a short note.
Rob Crow is Great.

For a long time I haven’t checked Temporary residence’s webpage, well. i don’t have the money… But my god, I better get it and soon :D

Listen to this.

rob crow – sophistructure

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I love it.

And it’s old already.
Actually Rob has one of the most beautiful voices in the rock pop industry.. sure, tehre’s hundreds of others, but his voice is also very recognizable.
Great stuff indeed.

Gain All Wisdom

Ah

Same place.
Every time I got out today it started to rain.
So wet I get.
Only one pair of shoes since I haven’t picked to other ones from Patricia. But hey, they would get wet too.

Reading through Queering Anarchism.
It’s interesting. But I do wonder how we can cast aside all categories.
And if there is categories is it possible not to have hierarchies.

And then I remember one blog writing from Kaaro in HS, about the tribe whose “rule” is that no one can have power over the other, not even adult over the children. So you can give advises, but you can’t demand, or threat. And then i wonder is it just inside of their society, or do they treat other tribes like that as well. And is it still working, are they there somewhere.

Anyway, humans are categoring machines, it’s part of the survival. And easily those categories are labelled with plusses and minuses. But then, why anything that other people do or be, not concerning me, should be either plus or minus. Well, because the other people create me. And it’s easier to understand what I am if there is only binary system. It’s just simple, but most of us know that simplicity isn’t the nature of the nature. There is the norm.. but norm is actually the most common… and pretty much no one is exactly the most common. It’s the average of all, and no one is that either. The average is collided, melted mix of qualities, but pretty much everyone actual person is divergent somehow of that average.
It’s a picture, almost like ideal, except that it’s not really ideal, just average.

Still the questions which arises about state and individual and freedom are extremely important, they’ve always been but I feel them even more important now when so many power structure are really twisted and working wrong.. So question is, do we really need them at all?
And yet, always when I think of ideal, I think of much smaller community, set of people. How to get everything work with this global net we’re having seems very difficult, and yet, must not give up hope.
Actually, I tell I lie, Give up all hope. Hope does little.
Life is amazing, awesome and beautiful. Even when it’s not.

ok, back to personal. How I label, categorise things, and why am I so intrigued when someone doesn’t fit into my, yes usually, binary system… and yet.. how to make it work otherwise.
I remember one person complaining about mens and womens Sauna, what if he doesn’t feel to fit either one.. But at the same time, most of people who are not ok with the mixed sauna, are using the categories of men and women… and no, s/he didn’t tell which categories we should ask.. But next time when I meet hrem I’ll ask.
It’s so easy in finnish when the personal pronoun is void of gender.. it can be whatever.
In english, it’s much harder, even the language uses binary.
So why then when I see a person I can’t put into binary, I really get intrigued which where to place her/him? Why would it matter unless I have some desires… actually even then, even if I would have sexual or romantic desires towards her/him.. why should the binary matter… because?
At the same time.. I know that I’m not really attracted, this far, to persons I can’t set on the opposite binary than myself. So why do I need to know the binary? Beats me, cultural programming?

However, reading about how actually state has been forging the binary gender and the male “dominance”, made me think of something I read from Giorgio Agamben, but it was a bad pdf… so then I surfed a bit of amazon and made about 300€ basket, which I of course cannot buy at the moment. Although one hundred of that is books of Dogen and the rest Giorgio A..

Funnily enough when trying to solve my computer problem, I found out that well.. maybe just getting bigger screen and wireless kayboard and trackpad.. yes another 300€

The same the same.

Looking for a room. Have seen few nice ones, but it’s ot only me choosing.

Somewhere very far someone is making the way on the train. I think it should be here already.

I come to believe UG, there is no orginal though anywhere.

And that brings to my mind this Butoh school in somewhere north india. Princess Pilar has told me stories about it, and jsut now Jonathan told more stories.. I started to feel that I will find myself over there at some point. But maybe I’m totally wrong.

Old Jesu is greater than the new I’m afraid. Old Unholy is great, still after all these years. I don’t even think it’s nostalgia, I think it’s just good.

I have to activate my writing… to write.
Eventhough everything is being said a long time ago…

Btw, blog is a such and easy format, I even though about making one for the poems… but now..
well.. I don’t know… maybe I keep it in old way html in darlingdear.net

Good night and good luck to you all

Rainy and Gray

ah

In Frankfurt.

It rains a lot over here it seems.

Staying at Katja’s and Patricks. Taking care of the dog and two cats. Well, their roommate has been taking care at elast as much as me.. Like today I haven’t even gone out because I only have tabis whch would get totally wet.

Trying to find a place to live, and get teh byrocracy sorted.
Tomorrow I go see one room.
Next week I think I need to visit the school if I don’t hear from them since I should get 2 papers to finland on next week. Luckily in electronic form.

The UNI starts on 14th.. soon. I can stay here till end of the month, which is great.
Too bad Katja is leaving now when I’m here.

We will have a small class it seems, 7, but 7 is a good number.

The deadline I set didn’t hold. How I keep in trust. And at the same time I feel strangely indifferent.
There’s some anxiety under, somewhere, so far that I’m not even sure is it there.
There’s nothing much either, except that there is.

Thinking back of the summer and how great it was. and how great this is.
Is it?
Why is it?
it is.

Knowing… there’s some sense of growing knowledge, about something that I don’t know yet.

And yes, part of me hopes and thinks that it will turn everything better.
But the knowing tells me that everything is better already.

Going throught the bookself of K&P… nice stuff, I hope I can borrow them when they’re on their way, which they will be.

From the depths of computer and harddrives I found brilliant music. Juana Molina, one album but I need to hear more, since, since Segundo sounds mainly great.
Le Mystère Des Voix Bulgares by Bulgarian state tv and radio choir is amazing as well.
And right now I’m listening to Benoit Pioulard which has been with me for a long time but I haven’t really listened to it. And now I do, and I think I will listen more.

My own musical adventures don’t really go anywhere much.

I have bunch of pictures on my camera from the summer which I want to upload to darlingdear.net’s photo section, and eventually I will.

This computer of mine starts to brake up… when I press the sides of it… like not the trackpad but like 5 cm from the track pad, it’s still the same as I would push the track pad. Which makes writing bit difficult since I can’t really lay my hands on top of it, but need to hold them bit on the air..
It’s how it is.

Wondering the future like always, but it’s interesting, now I have a structure so I know I’ll be “free” on second week of february, which is hopefully SOS…

By the Way, the prices of Kisakeskus have suddenly gone up with 9 euros per day… Every previous year the price went up about one euro/person/day, now it’s suddenly 9euros/person/day.. I don’t know what is happening but it looks like we need to find new place for the festival… Unless we can talk some sense into that. Or then just stop organizing the whole thing. But really I was thinking of organising some smaller even in kisakeskus during the summer, but with these kind of price rates… maybe not.

Anyway, after SOS I have about 6 weeks free… but I really think I need to make some money.. or work.. I was already hopeful of teaching.. but, well, the original suggestion I got didn’t sound super realistic, and now it’s not going to happen..

I need to write a plan of the piece I want to make in Sevilla, and soon… But to get funding for that so soon… Uh, I’m not sure of… Maybe.

All and all, it’s sometimes hard to be yourself when you feel that being yourself, and not playing along certain roles is making things more difficult… but then again, what is difficult and what kind of roles you want to play?

Partly letting go of everything, as much as I can.
Partly holding on of something.

This society, way of living will brake down.
It has happened so many times before.
Maybe now, humans, if we survive are able to create some other system instead of repeating the old.

And maybe I can find that place already now, before the fall.

Cities with Harbour

Ah

A short note once again.

After 3 weeks of ibiza festivals I came to Marseilles to work with Mathilde and the group.
Has been really good. We had our performances yesterday and today… And they went ok, today better than yesterday I think. Tomorrow we are going to do small work in progress showing, but with something completely else.

On tuesday I take a train to Frankfurt. Happy and exited to go there. Reasons why, might reveal themselves later. If…
I need a place to live in frankfurt. Both women I though I could live with have found a place for themselves. And I know I will find really nice place and very soon… But maybe I need to change it to live there alone… Let’s see.

Been doing bodyworks/massages extempore, and getting peopke to cry… It’s interesting… But all by accident.
Still thinking how I can sell this work onwards and enough…
I know I’m good at it, but I know I can be better, with time and experience and studies.

Ok, tomorrow is a change of space, from this what was to something in the middle and then it’s time to travel, and be between a bit more…
But I wait that…

Good night and good luck to you all.

3 weeks of rain

Ah
No, not really, but thinking it’s ibiza and august, surprisingly lot.
Well, I don’t have a long history over here so how would I know, jsut never before in past 5 years.

3rd week of the festival is starting today.. I’m way too tired but I can only blame myself going to sleep at 3 o’clock instead of 00 or 1 and waking up around 9 everyday.

Lovely time lovely people, but it’s quite a lot.
And this year I’ll continue straight one to another week of work, nevertheless I think it will be easy, since not so much people and energy around.

Dancing has been and is amazing, only the coldness of the past few nights has set some challenges.
Either to move fast, keep warm but wear yourself out, or then go fast, then when taking easier getting cold because of the chill.. I hope some more warmth comes to meet us in coming nights.

Heard that Laura (you’re more than superstar) who I met in Fraiburg got into Frankfurt. Being very happy about that since it’s nice to have nice people on your class.

At some moments worried already about the future, but then decided to pass it into the future, since now, over here only things to worry about is clean dance clothes and lack of sleep.

All and all, after wasting few years into nothing… Life is great right now. And it will continue staying great, even if I don’t always notice it…

Feeling that I know more and more.
Trick is to know.
I always knew, but didn’t trust it.
Can’t trust it always now either, but more and more.
Lovely people on our way.

Soon I’ll start the school and I’m thinking how much of that will filter through here… and how much I try to place under another headline..

Things are, as thay are.

Heat waves and rain drops

Ah...
Listening Alan Watts..
How do you write at the same time.
But I do.

Long since…
to whom I write to?

Yes.

After spending five months in finland, well, very small trip just before end of it to Cöpenhagen…
After spending almost five months in finland, it was time to do our first performance evening as TTTT.
It went nicely. I hope ther future performance went as well.
Me, then again left on the next moning towards Ibiza, where we had MTP meeting and then the Wetting of two dear friends. Has any party ever been as good as the wetting? I don’t know, it was good. was dance quite a few hours, with the help of inspiration from Asaf, who seemed to be dancing even more.

After wetting hanged around and tried to help a bit with the house, but I feel that I could have done more.
I need clear schedules I’m afraid.

Flew to Marseilles, to meet Mathilde and Julien. Went to Apt and ended up to sitespecific performance, ate great sausages had fun, and on the next day continued towards the mountains to do the global underscore. You know what, dancing is great.

after returned to Marseilles, did a version of “everything’s the same” but didn’t take on video.

on last day, went to have a little walk along the calong with Julien and then hopped into the train to paris where Natalie was picking me up with Velip. Bicycling is great.

La ferme jam was great, since dancing is great and there was great people dancing.
So of them were well met, some of them even better.

Flew to Poland where enjoyed a lovely hosting of Wileka and finally found the yellow black onitsuka tiger’s mexico ’66 on right size and bought them.

I wasn’t expecting much of the Warsaw Flow, but hell, it was one of the best festivals I’ve been to. Big part of it was the smallness (I think 50-60 people) and at the same time the other festivals that were happenign around and were incorporated loosely in. So almost every niht after jam there was a bar in next by lawn and hammocks and a stage, so I went with someone(s) to have beer or two… some night there was party and music… and then on my way back to hostel there was another party… Dancing dancing.

After all of the enjoyment, spacially after my two little workshop days when we were in the bar drinking beer and making bodyworks… I went to berlin.
Berlin is hippy or maybe it’s the people I meet there… well, Lemmer is not very hippy at all.

I had the reason to return to Paris, so I did, and am here now. It’s been really really hot. And today is the first one that it’s raining. at times… rain and heat.

So…
More personal..
Human being is a strange thing.
When I though I didn’t get into the Frankfurt University of Music and Performing Arts to study dance pedagogy, I was rather sad, depressed…. Then when I heard that actually I’m in, I have this.. Uuhh, what, I need to be in frankfurt for 2 years… aarrghh.. But actually it’s quite pleasant.. to ahve a structure around once again… Of course there’s a lot of questions, mainly about time and money but all and all I’m rather happy about it…

That’s about it… again… later.. maybe about control, freedom…

Relapse

Ah

Should do should do, instead I’m sick.
Flu is not nice, luckily tomorrow is the last performance for a while.

Yes yes… eventually I will write, about freedom, control, imaginary being equals present being and so on.

Relapse

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Relapse 2nd version

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Palestine

Ah
Err..
I have no idea why the name.

I’ve meaning to write. I haven’t
At some point.
(I break)

An improvisation. Second play for the guitar, but the first time for lyrics.
turned out… well things turn out.

Palestine

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Lullaby

Don’t know, meaning to write but then I don’t.
About freedom about lot of things..

Picked up my acoustic today and singing playing took me on a little trip.
Accepting is difficult.

Played and sang this just now, but concentrated bit too much on actual words, so melody lacked something. It’s how it is.
Lull

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We will clean our mess

Katya filmed this. An improvisation.
Very important moment for me.

Productivity

Ah

Well, today is a bit more difficult.
But enjoyed the sea even if didn’t swim, and company as well.

played guitar. recorded this.
Why bother to cencor.

Just

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A Place

ah

Well. New post. I had a great experience in MTP when we were supposed to start cleaning but instead we started singing song. and then someone put guitar in my hand and I sang a song. and people liked it (Of course all of them are my friends more or less, but still). Maybe I put that song over here too if Katya send me the video.

Anyway. Now in cagliari, on the livingroom there was couple of guitars so I picked one.
Don’t listen to the words, there is none.

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Lot of spare time

Ah

Title loaned from Elbows Any Day Now

Mind the Point was great.
Sucha learning process. Quite a few thoughts, running through the same courses as before. Trying to refine..
So in many ways as a happening for myself MTP was not perfect and because of that it was perfect. Again I know so much more how and what I would like things to go. Having meaningfull and meaningless discussions. Understanding how depth and shallow are just the same thing, and they are sometimes not distinquishable.

Movementwise I feel I’m in strange place,have been already from may onwards I think. Something keeps shifting all the time. I was talking with Ilona, we have dance about once a month or so, and every dance seems to be somehow different. Of course always dance’s are different, but that my patterns and qualities keep changing all the time. THe annoying thing is that I don’t feel I’m in control of this, and as a dancer I should be. Well, this is mainly only for CI, when I’m doing solo, I can decide much more it feels.

Back to MTP, well I’m happy it happened and I really feel we should continue as a group with the same topic next time, and maybe it happens already in december in israel.

So for a while been busy.

Today I’ll fly to Sardegna to have 2 days off (and hopefully warm, Paris is freezing) and then workshop. Teaching is great. I notice that more and more I would like to combine the “philosophy” in it. Because there’s so much in CI that you can see straight in life. Also is nice to see new place and new and familiar people. Maybe I find the cappucino machine over there. although I have no space in my pack.

I heard Marko might get me a working bike straight away when I get back. Now, that is good news, I hope it happens. Then again I hope that I’ll not stay in helsinki for too long straight away.

Ok I’m drifting off… and soon through Paris to the plane.

Time cause missing, I cause time

ah
In finland.
Not feeling like writing much.
I miss Sveta.

Lots of feelings going on, about being 35, about not having home, about not knowing what will happen. We never know.
I know what I want.

PLayed some guitar for a change.
Nothing special, but since the main thing is doing.
Maybe you’ll enjoy.

Time…

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Last days

AH

Been on the intensive of Zahar…
After that…
well I’m thinking of quitting again.. but I’ve been thinking of quitting a lot last years and I haven’t… maybe I need to go towards other direction which is to do more.

Anyway… one thing that I actually said a loud on the course was that the relation to the past is always easier than the relation to the present. Why is this. Because past is always rendered into (almost) one single thing, action, mood sitation… somehow our (or at least mine) mental process makes it, in a way, flat. It’s still rich but compared to all of the things that are happenign right now, the past is just one thing that happened. and I can somehow make or feel the meaning of it, where as often the present is so full of things that have different meanings that I can’t render it into meaning… Somewhat interesting. To me.

I was checking open jobs from finland… doesn’t look so nice but now I made one application that I really hope will couse some repercussions…

All and all.. not much new and still lot of new…

Anyone over there who would like to practise improvisation as a performance form with me?

I need to practise more. And move.
And find a place to live.

Jeij.

In a way

AH
Otra Vez yo tengo no idea que habla…
Oh my spanish..

So no idea.
CIP is over, Flow is beginning.
Relationships are funny and somewhat hard if either one is not comitted to it.
What is to commit.
Relating got some behavious from totally unrelated person which is really annoying.
In a long time I haven’t felt that there would have been someone who intentionally wants to harm my well being, but now yes… Oh well…
Why to care?

So roasting coffee didn’t work.
Now I return to finland it seems.
Then there is mind the point in Paris, which I hope and feel will be really good.
And after that I was invited to Italy, but money is uncertain which makes me uncertain.
But I have feeling to go to italy.
Then there is few weeks before Israel and then it’s bloody xmas… so… stable…
But after, I’ll stay foot. one place or at elast a way to pay the base.
playing more guitar and trying to make music… that’s my plan. but then the work and money, oh well.

And relationship. no, I don’t want to commnet that now.

Dancing has been great, very different.
Intensive of Daniel Lepkoff was quite nice, had some ideas by misundestanding his words. More and more thinking performing, making piece by piece but how I make the living?

By writing by talking by teaching?

loops of feedback feedback looping…

reading books, will tell later… now I think it’s time for us to go… been sitting for too long. and others of the aprty are getting anxious.

Take care, offer me a job…
I can do everything, and somethings with quality, but it seems I’m not able to create my own work…
I need collaborations.

Imagine

Ah

So imagine this, I’m writing Again.

I though I had something.. wait…
Music is leaving behind, I’m unhappy but right now I have no resources for it. Althoguh it’s not leaving behind in my head, so now worries.

Got some mail… well thinking again about intimacy and why it seems to be so hard. Well it is hard.
Meating people is easy, but for me it’s rather difficult.. I don’t know why it feels so unnatural or difficult to go and introduce myself… To do it fluently I feel I need to put on somekind of mask… a play.. somehow.. well, at elast at the moment it’s like this.

So to stay working here (if there is a work) means quite little money and the first month without nothing… and then finding a moto and house and so on and so on… But then again I’m interested of the job. TO go to finland means totally open everything but theer is more friends parents and networks and jobs for sure but then again not so certain that the jobs are nice ones.
Anyway, I don’t have to worry much about it yet since they will have meeting tomorrow and then they know what they want and then I can decide what I want…
Anyway it looks like I should rob a bank (again)

Oh like I mentioned before I’ve been drawing with brush and ink… straight link to some is this. you can find more, I have taken picture and posted about every page I’ve done…

Art, what the hell is art.
Life, what the ehll is life.
Hilarious isn’t it?

Good Job offers! please send them to me…

Looking for flights again… oijoijoi… bank, robbed.

I’ve been in slight ache for a long time… I don’t do enough… or I’m getting old and now i really need to start do things.

Same old.

heatwaves and seashores

Ah

So now…
After novosibirsk Altay and freiburg and now back in ibiza.
I’m waiting to hear something about coffee, maybe I’ll stay here, who the hell knows.
Heard my friend working with 11€/hour on massage and I can’t really understand that.
If that is finalnd I stay here, but really, who the hell knows.

In Altay there was lovely people.
In freiburg there was ovely people.
In ibiza there is lovely people.

What am I writing about?
Well… I finished song of fire and ice… the fifth book. Now I’m among those waiting for the 2 last ones.

In altay I tried to read Giorgo Agamben in english. Somehting about how sovereign who is making the law is always outside and inside the law…
All of that is about language as an own entity…
I don’t really get it, but it provokes some though patterns so I’m rather happy about it.
Also finished What is a Man by Mark Twain, sounds pretty sound to me.

Been drawing a lot with brush, thanks to Sasha and Peter for further inspiration.
You can find a huge bunch of pictures in sinewaved if you’re interested.
The drawings Peter made in freiburg were awesome (I don’t have pictures of those, only my own scriblings),you can really se that he is a viual artist.

3 festivals starting, I can go to all of them but I think it will be too much.
So maybe I only go to intensive and food on the first one and try to move out of there somehow. questions questions.

Today we went to swim and it didn’t help at all, actually I felt worst after since all of the salt. It’s oh so hot and sea is oh so warm. But I’m just telling, not complaining because there is water to drink and food to eat. heat is just heat and with shelter somehow easier than cold.

Work=money=music

met Jules in Freiburg and I got kinda interested again in loopers and whatnots. Specially since the jam music didn’t really work for me (Jules wasn’t playing, when he was, in teachers meet, it did work), But when this would happen, I do not know.

Anyway, if I stay here, I need to figure out what to bring and what to leave.
If I don’t… well, easier easier…

Missing some people.. we are so spread out this little family… but families are.
Soon meeting again a lot of lovely persons, and some not so lovely ones, as always. You can’t like everyone.

Mogwai playing in my head but not my headphones. Scott Walker playing on my headphones.

I’ll go now.

Thrones and dominions

Ah
Darn darn darn.

Again I had so many things in my mind what to write about and then when I’m finally here, front of the machine and online connection and time I have empty.

No not empty but not what I wanted to write about.

Mundane things.
Ink is great. and books, and trying to write with brushes. I can’t very well. I would be into calligraphy if I would have the patience. I might not.

Coffee is great. I keep little hopes livin that I would be working around coffee. I notice that I don’t let myself to hope too much. Dissapointments. But why not to hope. Just letting it be easy even if it doesn’t happen.

Ah about thinking.
I’ve been thinking. Some day I wrote that if I would get one € everytime I hear “you think too much” I wouldn’t be massivly rich, but not as poor either.
All the time I read and hear about how this world is too mental, how people THINK too much. Fuck no, most of us (myself included) do not THINK too much, what we do is that we follow normal mental (and possibly verbal) patterns. Most of us are not thinking, and definetly in this world there is not much THINKING happening, come on, look at the news. You honestly believe that thinking caused all of this. If even half of the oil company leaders would have THINKED, or pro-nuclearpower whatnot’s, or politician. if god forbid they would really THINK this world wouldn’t be such a mess, it would be mess nevertheless, but just a slightly it different mess. There is not much THINKING around here, just greed and fear and ignorance. And all of you who go on about heart this and emotions and feelign and whatnot… this world is driven into this mess because of heart and emotions and feelings. Politicians and goverments have disguised the stuff into “thinking” and being “resonable”, but the disguise is quite shallow and easy to see through. Most of scientific studies tell the same. But there in lies a challenge. Next time when the elections hit the fan, try to THINK and really make concious decision by reason, NOT by your emotions. I’ll bet you’ll be failing hopelessly. Most of the stuff we call reason, or reasoning is meaningless nonsense with which we try to tell ourselves who we are…
I am nothing at all, and everything at all. Thus I am not. Yet who the hell keeps pushing these keys…
It’s and endless loop with no sense and no reason and there is, there truly is no way out except to blow the whole thing up, and you know what? I can’t do it. It’s sheer luck of accident if it comes up. And evetually it will come up, maybe in a form of accident. So why are we so afraid of death.

How long can I go without my pleasures. just with minimum of living.

I see this old babushka outside, hand out. She keeps on living, so why do I question mine? Because I think too much you see, just live… Just kill. All morals or ethics are useless… but bad is still bad.. we are always hanged up, by good and evil.

Ah I read a bit of interesting short story by mark twain where old man argues to young man that man is a machine. and it resonated a lot with stuff that UG was babbling about. It resonates also a lot of stuff what certain leftwingers (I might be wrong on this, I’m getting utterly confused with any political ethics) that everything is the fault of the system, and man is driven to crime. Well. Might be the case might not. Steve Harrins is writing in his book Free Will that we have no free will. I haven’t read that through yet either (although the Mark Twain I stopped because it wasn’t mine and I neede to return the book to it’s owner) but he is arguing something about criminal cases that can we really blame them, well, if not then we can also not to blame them because as far as they didn’t have free will to NOT to do the crimes we don’t have free will to NOT to condemn them. (I’m sure that Harris understands this and it’s not his point, like I said I haven’t finished the book, you, go read it). Anyway, book is full of interesting scientific studies how the decision of me writing this word is made already 4 seconds (or something) before I actually no, wait… write it. so even my trying to change it, it’s also been seen seconds before in my brainwaves. Amazing isn’t it? Truly amazing. Soon we all be controlled and no one ever never do crimes again, but who watches the watchmen?

Heard happy news from my friend, made me happy.

Been readin a lot of Song of Ice and Fire, now days mainly referred with the name of the first book Game of Thrones. It’s cathcy. I remeber that Marko went on about the book years ago, but no, I need HBO series to get into it. BTW at least the first season is very loyal to the book. The next ones I don’t know because I haven’t seen them. In ibiza I read a lot since I had not much else to do. I like ibiza though.
Now it was super to come to Novosibirsk and walk in the nature and swim in the lake (that they call sea) it’s reminds so much of Finnish summer that it’s somehow pleasant and beautiful. Although here it has been without the rains. Way too dry I hear. In Finland way too wet I hear.

Anyway, just today changed the ticket to stay here one more day. I don’t really THINK and pay attention enough you see. Times dates flight which way the earth revolves. Oh well. Maybe I’ll get a nice job in ibiza. After dancing so little for so long time again I should start to work on myself and movement… and even teach it. It will be fun, partly, mainly.

Ok.. I’m sure there was something else, original, interesting, politically meaningfull, but, I just can’t remember it now…

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