In Odessa.
Somehow might be difficult. Relationships.
But I’m clear. What happens happens.

Lovely place shamtambala, and lovely people. Specially yesterday we talked a lot with Grisha.
Mainly on these days when she’s been at crimea quest I’ve been watching Big Bang Theory. I enjoy it.
Other one that I watched with her is Parks and Recreation, good as well.

Days have been sunny, but today is cloudy and cold. Cold.

She is coming tomorrow and maybe nothing changes.

In all honesty nothing much has changed in my life when I look back all these years I’ve written this. Places change, people change, but my patterns stay the same. Although now, I’ve noticed that maybe some of them are slowly changing as well… Actually my patterns have changed all the time, not drastically but little enough.

Yesterday got a string on a guitar, played a little. Dicipline.

Watched appleseed, anime, entertaining, but bit silly and subs were not up the date.

Why i write?
I do not know.

Something that I said yesterday and have said before. You see, even though we are so clearly individuals it’s so difficult to realise that. But everything is individual. That’s why nothing is holy but everything is precious. Because this computer is just a thing, so old I would like to replace it with new thing, yet, it is this computer, it’s not some other. It precious. Maybe someone can make a copy, so that you could not know the difference, but there is a difference. And then when we talk about living things. A pine is a pine, it’s just like all the other pines around it, yet, it is that pine, none other, it might seem as replaceable but it is not, it is what it is, nothing else, nothing can replace it. If it’s used by some action, maybe some other can replace it in this action. But it can’t replace it, as such.
Again this is what Giorgio Agamben writes in this book (read it) I’ve mentioned so many times.
Nothing is replaceable.

We think that there is choices, chances, possibilities. And in a way there is, but, all of them are imaginary. I got this from Katja’s and Asaf class on ibiza spring jam. We were walking in curves, and then Asaf asked us to imagine the straight line that we could walk, but we stay walking in curves. Exactly. The straight line is imaginary, in time and in space, I can always think that I had a choice to walk the straight line and thus I would be in a different space on this time, but it is still imaginary. I am where I am, and I can’t know where I will be until I am there. At the same time this imaginary chance, or other, makes my choice and my place clearer, I am here,I am not there, I am here because, I’m not there because.
On one discussion my friend was talking about models of life, you know, family vs, travelling steady job vs. little bit everything etc. We can think that IF I would have chosen that it would lead me to this “model” but the models are imaginary. We can take 4 middle class family with 2 children and look at their daily life for a while, yes there probably is lot of similarities, but it is not the same, similarities doesn’t make it the same. It’s our lack of concentration and detail and a need to “grasp it” that makes them the same. And actually if we look little further, all human life is pretty much the same. Yet, everything is individual. No one else is here right now, countryside close to Odessa, in a cool little room writing this text on a computer that lies on a yellow bag. It is singularity. Single moment in time and space. It exist because all the others exists. It is the same moment, it is the same space. How do you divide the space?

Yet, I keep comparing me, the abstract me (dancer, male, old, finnish, whatnot) to all other adjectives I see other peple having and I am not understanding that I have no other choice except to be this individual right here. I’m not sure about the future, but future is imaginary as the past. I have no other choice right now, yet I have choice everytime. To write, to stop writing, to close the lid, to go out, to think, to… yet, I am writing.
“thinking” about this makes my head hurt, slightly.

In Kiev festival, I was in Yaniv’s class almost sleeping (lovely class btw, I took some stuff from there) and feeling frustrated because I can see the flower, just like now, I can see it, it’s so close, I feel the closeness of it, but I can’t really feel it. Not yet.I can’t actualise it.

Yesterday, or was it the day before, sitting, I felt my heart beat so strong. Sometimes really going through the whole of me.
I am alive, living is me, but I can’t actualise it.
Or maybe I can, I love poetry, and music and arts. Because they can actualise it.

Sometimes when I really just watch something, anything, all things stop, but it can’t go on for long, my eyes get tired, sleepy. Something is trying to stop something. Give up.

Being dealing a lot with wordpress but not really getting anywhere.
Just setting up blog like hell… well, sorry, not blogs but websites.
Lot of work still to do, but I need to first figure out things with other people.

Been taking pictures a lot… Wait when was the last time I wrote something?
Just checked.

So Ibiza time was cold, very cold. It can be warm on the outside but the houses are still cold cold cold.
The spring jam was nice but I’m maybe getting over dosage of festivals. Let’s see how the kiev goes now.
After Spring Jam we had a little meeting with a certain group of people and that was really great. I hope we continue. Actually I’m very happy our little group process and the fact that it really seems to be continuing.
Had some difficulties with the relationship, we don’t really understand each others so easily. But once that was sorted out of the way, all was fine.

Malaga was great. Mainly because of workshop organisator Virginia, her husband and their dog. Lovely couple, lovely people. I’m very greatful that we had to change to be with them, and greatful to Virgiia that she organised my workshop (that I actually got payed for) I was all the time thinking that it’ll be my last workshop, but really. Who knows.

On my way in Malaga and in kiev was reading some short text about buddhism and meditation. It’s interesting how I’m drawn to prayer flags and mahakala’s but at the same time I think tibetan buddhism has often taken a really wrong turns. But then again so has zen. So maybe I should read some text over there (from zen I’ve only read a bit of Dogen)

Reading “more” Ug Krishnamurti. More because the books have a lot of repetation to each others. But he was an interesting guy. But maybe I try to get my favourite quotes later.

So now in Kiev. Don’t know what to do what to do. But I think that’s always my problem.
Have set up site for massage and Holistic Personal Training

Today I’ve been listening music from denovali records and it’s annoying because there’s a lot of stuff that sounds nice, good, but is it really great? I do not know. oijoi. Yes yes, same repetation: good work, good pay, good home.

What I’m really happy about is my friends. It’s so nice to know that we’ll be close to Monika and Mattias and hpefully Sebastian. And most porbably I’ll meet Katja several times more this summer (well, 3 but that’s a lot). Great people. All around. Thank You.

No politicts this time.

Went to Brighton to do a wrokshop.
Became sick, did the workshop with Caroline.
Just enough people to almost cover my travel expenses.
Ahha. But it was nice to have Sveta there, even me being sick.
And it was really nice to see Caroline since we haven’t seen for such a long time.
And thanks to people who offered house to us, specially Ian and his friends, I confess that I found rather nice music from their cd shelf. Lot of the things that I have as vinyl but it’s nice to have good copy off them.

Then we continued to freiburg and here was no people at all, ok well 2 but you can’t do a wrokshop with 2 people… I was and am really dissapointed specially since I was and am really into the topic of this workshop that didn’t happen, so maybe I do it later.

Suggested to Monika to do a intensive in ibiza with Katya, since they asked Noora, Panu and me but N&P couldn’t make it. But now I read that Katya is doing intensive with Asaf, well, it’s understandable since they have been planning something apparently.

All and all. For a long time I’ve been thinking that I quit and I need to find some other jobs, so maybe universum or what the hell ever is just amplifying my thoughts because certainly I do not feel appreciated as CI teacher at the moment. But there is a lot of good CI teachers in the world so be it. I just notice this bitterness in me that I don’t feel comfortable sharing my knowledge now for “free” how ever I assume and hope that this feeling will pass once I found something else to do. Oh and my darling with her new age thingies is telling me that actually sharing or passing information is my thing. Well, I suppose it is sine both of my parents are teachers of a sort. Apple doesn’t fall far and so on. Anyway… having feeling that trying to do these workshops is just not working now, but I happily do festivals since I like festivals even when they are not making money but they are making something else. So I’m quite happy to go to Kiev and Altay and freiburg and Ibiza festivals when the time comes. I’m specially happy with Altay since I’ve been there once and I really like to go there again and because I like the organisators, and of course i could and can say the same of all of those festivals.

So last few days in freiburg, and it’s a nice city, specially because Jenny got us bikes, and it’s been really nice to see Jenny because well, she’s my twinsister, we actually have the same birthday. Been “shopping” a lot, not actually getting much but just going around the shops and coffee’s

Tomorrow we should head to ibiza, which is nice, only minus thing is that we are flying with ryanair and we only got 15kg of baggage per person (+10kg handluggage) and we are pretty much on the limit. I was trying to lift it when checking online but I could only have bought another bag, and I do not have it.
In the morning we leave to frankfurt and then to hahn and then to ibiza, I hope sister Monika will pick us up.

Life rolls, today I have been feeling quite I don’t know, low, not sad and not depressed not even so much worried, but low… knowing that tomorrow we’ll travel with too heavy bags the whole day again.

Bought tickets to Kiev and decided that we’ll stay the whole may in there so actually I’m there like six weeks, If anywone reading this has a work offer for me over there, please let me know.

Work work work. what to do? At least I know that I would not like to work with childcare or autistic people for a whole time basis. Every once in a while is ok.
Thinking also dance. Can I do it by myself, without other body, would it be interesting to watch? Do I have an idea or inspiration?

Check the photograpsh on sinewaved. that is nice.

I’m having a bad working posture again.. well writing.
Howabout a home? yes yes dear, in a moment.

After working in a rather interesting place with autistic who are also mentally handicapped I have become (at least for the moment) a supporter of prenatal screening and euthanasia.
At times I though that we are living in such an abundance since we can keep them alive.
In any other time they would be dead by now. And sometimes I felt that the life is just looking for a way to flee from them. So why do we keep someone alive who does want to eat. Why would we force feed anyone?
It was the same with my grandmother, befoer the dementia really got her there was a time she ate very little. I think she didn’t even notice it, I don’t think it was a concious choice of a person but the life in her was trying to pass on, but of coursem us relatives could just let her starve…
We are so afraid of death that we don’t let anyone to die, not even persons who want it. Of course with the clients on my workpalce it’s not so easy, because the limitations of communication I often don’t have any idea what they wanted. So I’m not saying we should kill them, but I think as a society we are going wrong somewhere. Everybody needs to stay alive, but it’s ok if they live on the gutter. adn no, I’m not saying that you should rather be dead than live on the gutter, but this society let’s people to live in gutter but it doesn’t let people to die as he or she wish… you can be in any kind of trouble, you can beg for help, and no instance will come to help until you hurt either yourself or someone else.

In Finland he goverment made a threat to take down the support for home parenting for one year, so instead of three it would be only two. I detest the whole idea. I have read quite a few “letter to editor” usually against the cut, but what surprises me is that I haven’t read a single letter from kindergarden teachers?
What the hell. the kindergardens I’ve been working have been almost always too small, too little workers etc. How the hell they are going to survive if there will be much much bigger age group of 2 years old coming in? I tell you, they won’t. Anywa all the kindergarden workers should go to strike. In south of finland you don’t live with the pay.

Soon I’m leaving to Brighton to teach and then to freiburg.
And although I really like teaching I think this is my last “tour” since I’m not really making the money… and teaching is nice, but I need to live somehow too.
And I just read the advertisement of ibiza fest and IF I understood right my friend Katja is teaching intensiv with Asaf. which is ncice, except I’m bummed because originally after sos they asked Noora, Panu and me since we teached intensive trio in SOS, but Noora and Panu can’t make it. and I suggested to do it with Katja. but I didn’t get any answer… but then. maybe Asaf and Katja have worked together somehow and they have suggested it before… Or maybe I read the whole thing wrong.
But again made me wonder, or feel that I’m, well actually my teaching is not so appreciated. But why I’m making them webpages for the entrance fee to the fest?
And then I’m invited to Altay so maybe I shouldn’t complain.

I wrote this before to somewhere. I dont remember what I wrote. something like. Life does not have identity, life is not afraid of death… ah it’s FB
“To not to be afraid of death
To not to cling on this identity
Life is never ending, to life there is no death.
Death exists to identity.
Who is keeping me alive?”
I’m keeping myself alive because I’m afraid of death.
I’m a dream, dream is keeping it self alive.

I wanted a statue of meditating dream of the endless from my love.
And then I wanted statue of meditating death of the endless from my love.
I wanted them because I love the books, but then yesterday explaining them to her I realised why I wanted them.
I am a dream meditating. Death is buddha meditating. And I am both meditating. Death of identity is…
And there is no way, no way I can ecape the identity. Because to escape it is to die.

Been thinking about morals and ethics again.
I remember “do not judge so you would not be judged”
I think many good christians have totally forgot this one.
our christianity is not based on christ and what he said but to paul ramblings, the guy who never saw jesus when he was alive so he needed to tell about the vision so he could make his right and wrongs.
When you make you right and wrongs, like I do, keep them. But do not defend your morals by god. You are a god’s picture. You do NOT need to read a book or take it from anyone else. You see, this is what is said that gautama said “be your own guiding lights” In christianity there is no trust on man, and thus no real trust on self and thus no real trust on god. Well.. I’m too one sided now. Many of my christian friends do but the weight on mercy and yes. Mercy we truly have. If you can read this, it’s mercy, not because of you reading but because you can see. such a gift that if there would be someone to pay back it could not be done you. It’s mercy, all of this, even the suffering.

I found Madder Mortem long long time ago.. something like 2002 I think.
I got the their first label release (I think) Mercury. Can’t remember mcuh from the album. It had it’s moments but at the same time female vacoled metal and Norway had the 3rd and the mortal which was superb. How ever Mercury wasn’t bad in anyway.. but but…

Next album All Flesh Is Grass was much better, but still… mmm. there is lot of good but there is something about Agnete’s singing that… just is not super.. well.. she’s good… and the songs are ok.. but something still is missing…

I don’t remember any songs from either of the first albums, actually I know that they’re ok, but… Just haven’t stick to my memory (although nowdays it’s not so unusual)

Then next one Deadlands, I waited that one already.. so it’s good, but actually I always listen just Silverspine since the whole beginning riff.. or part is amazing… the song itself is actually slightly too long, somehow, but that part.. everytime it comes into my ears.. uh… I don’t know how to explain it. It’s deeply physical.. there’s somehting of a wave there, something of a spine, it’s really hard to be still when I hear it. And of course the chorus “this is all yours if you want it” stick to mind very easily…
All the time Agnetes singing has been getting better and better and on Deadlands it’s very hard to find anything to complain about, but something is still missing….

Then comes Desiderata which has a huge amount of real hits on the first part of the album, My name is Silence starts the album really greatly. The nice or bad thing, depends on your point of view on this song is, that the chorus is rather boring, but the verses are super, amount of violence and anger… the chorus is somehow too easy for it.
Next song Evasions starts off with such amazing riff.. or part.. it’s the same as in Silverspine, it moves. and then verses… are workig… actually the bands playing skills have been rather superb already from beginning, but on this album (and specially on this song) also the arrangements work really nicely.
Somehow, to me Madder Mortem has thic common thing with Life Of Agony. Both bands make superb riffs, but almost always the song also has some part that is just not working, riff that is… if not bad, then mediocre. Difficult.
But even I’m not huge fan of C part of Evasions, they would have to make it really bad to make the song bad…
Anyway Desiderata is good, but often I stay with the first part of the album…

Then the reason why I am actually writing this.
Eight Ways was released long time ago… it was recorded even longer time ago, 2008.
But I, I really listened this first time in BSAS this january…. And my god… somehow I can’t say anything about songs. THey are, of curse good, but there is no istant hits in there. The aspect that totally captures me on this album is Agnetes singing. My god, my god… I had to hold my tears in the not so busy streets of BSAS, She is so totally there. There is no apologies, the weakest link has become the strongest. Her range of emotions… well.. no it’s just that she’s there. There’s is few situation which are crucial, the easiest to spot is Resolution‘s speak part that goes into almost screaming… it could be so easily be… bad… but it’s not, because she is not doubting or holding back. The strong parformance continues straight away on the next song Different kind of Hell. Her voice almost distorting… just a bit. It’s great great great. I have no words for it, I just don’t. The songs are good, and she is awesome.

I wish I could just congratulate her… well. maybe I can..
Anyway If Madder Mortem is not familiar band for you and you are into good music, you should check them out.

Madder Mortem – Resolution (from Eight Ways)

Madder Mortem – Riddle Wants To Be (from Eight Ways)

So now.

What I was supposed to write?

How it’s hilarious why some hetero men are so homofobic. It’s unlikely that they would be rapes (possible of course, but keep your senses), so what is the threat with someone being homosexual? None, and it’s more women for “us”. And why we want to define person only by his or her sexuality? Wierd. All of this comes up of course that we have president elections on sunday and the far more better candidate is outspokenly gay.
At the same time, it’s so wierd how all those “feminist” etc are wanting more immigrants over here. Well, why not, but if you look at the cultural differencies and how women (or homosexual btw) are treated in many places where we are taking the immigrants from, maybe the immigrants should have pretty damn good brainwashing when they come. Cultures and values are relative, but mine are the right ones.

Another little bit less serious fun is in FB and probably many other places going around the fun pictures of left and right side of brain. Left is pictures brown and dull, right rather colorful. In order to make that distinction they have had to use the left side of the brain. Whole of this culture is all the time left and right, black and white.
I’m that a lot. Totally judgemental, not allowing gray anywhere. Black or white, right or wrong.

Relativism is fine, but usuallypeople just use it to escape on ackward or difficult situations. You should know.

I’m my mothers child. collectig stuff, I just hope I can avoid ending up the house full of stuff like she.
Well maybe vinyls, and cd and music…
And I have had a lot of music lately, so much that I don’t even know where to start.
So should I start at all?
Maybe not.

Going same old rounds. same old rounds, but with slight change.
SOS coming up next week.
Then a work with autistic people.
THen going off to teach, I think these will be my last workshops outside of the festivals.
Or… well… I need to get a real job, maybe then I get inspired again to teach, when I don’t need to think of the money. Money ruins everything. But also I feel that I just don’t get enough appreciation. Well, of course my ego is a bottomless hole so I don’t know what would be enough. But I think just a bit more would succeed.
In brasil I got few very nice feedbacks. So it’s not that I wouldn’t get anything.
I was really happy to teach, actually I am inspired of teaching, the act of it. But I on’t feel need to do it so much. Like, if people are not interested, why push it. maybe it would be better to find another pathways. More possibilities, like my little loved one says.

Right now I don’t have a flat or a house, it’s ok..
It will come.

Im often in a state of… not boredom but somekind of none coherence, not being able to concentrate verylong to anything… aimless, wandering aimlessly… without the actual physical wandering.

Been talking a lot with Marko about bikes. I like biking, I should get a good bike, if I would know where to get it.
I could get it easily here in helsinki/finland, but I’m not going to stay here for a long, for now. I think. who knows.

Politics are strange.. I should go in… and sort out things. But I’m too lazy to write about them, find me so we can talk.

Pic not being anyway connected to the topic.
Actually I don’t know what is the topic.

Let’s say, that, Talking is easy for me, for some people it’s not. And talk sometimes it’s so hard to find the words to express sensation or sensations specially when sensations can be conflicting. Since I try to teach CI I try to be good at that, but it doesn’t necessarily help because a lot of people do not relate to the words I use same way as I do, and even more importantly don’t relate the way I say the words. How ever. I need to remember this when I talk with my dear girlfriend, and maybe I understood one way for us the communicate somethings a bit more easier. MAybe not, who knows. But moods change.

Year changed. THis was the 3 new year I’m with the people I don’t really know much. But this time it was the most easiest. Maybe because she was here and I feel more easy and happy about that than last new year. Last time I was the only one not understanding the most common language used. Now there was 2 of us. I don’t know. Anyway there was some awesome musicians playing all night pretty much, some nice paella, beer, wine, dessert(s).And I enjoyed. mainly hearing people playing. I almost think I should get bit more into samba and bossanova.

So it’s again time that I would want to make the list of best musical albums of 2011, and I can’t.
I haven’t been home, even though I have listened to music, I think almost none of that has really come out on 2011
I haven’t even really gotten into Aidan’s stuff this year.
So I checked my last.fm charts since they should give a pretty good feel what I’ve been lsitening (remembering I don’t been home so no vinyl playing almost at all.

Blut Aus Nord is on top and true, hearing 777 – sects really got me into it so I listened all the previous albums as well. Don’t have any idea why I haven’t found them earlier, but good that I did now. I wonder can I still get 777 – sects on vinyl.

She Said Destroy is second. This City Speaks In Tongues was out years ago, and I have NO idea why I didn’t get it then since their previous album was one of the greatest metal albums for a long itme. but I didn’t. I got into it now. Great great stuff.

Rally is totally inherited from last year. I got them at the end of 2010.. But great great great and specially since you can get the albums for free, you should, and pay a bit too. Because the music of Rally (=SUmmen) is marvelloous.

Virus is virus olthough The Agent that Shapes the Desert haven’t really hit me so hard yet. I think it will. maybe.

The surprise is MAstodon, because it is actually their lates album that got out on 2011 that I’ve been listening to. I haven’t really gotten into the older ones although all the hype. New one has some great great songs. Really good. Yeah. Listen “octopus has no friends” makes me feel good.. the guitar thing that comes after chorus is super.

One super thing I found only this year (years late again) is Plutonium 74. Great stuff. I’m so happy I accidentally played “Radio menee Ylös” as a first song, because if I would have heard some more “traditional” reggae piece maybe I wouldn’t have gotten into it so much. I admit that the album is very uneven for me, but the fore mentioned song plus “Putoaako poikamme taivaalta” and specially “ruisleipää ja lakipykäliä” are so bloody superb that just those three justify three albums all together. Ruisleipää ja Lakipykäliä is actually one of the best songs for long time, the combination of happiness, nostalgia, melancholia, joy, reality and surreality is so so so awesome.

Next one hitting my eye on the list is Clair Cassis. Sounds like Velvet Cacoon because it is Velvet Cacoon. Best song names ever like “Antique Sea Smoke” and “Rosewater Cake“. But I like.

One Great album is Sylvain Chauveau‘s Singular Forms. I haven’t listened Chaveau before eventhough I have gotten recommendations. So I listen to it, and am wondering how he got David Sylvian to sing on his album, but then that it’s not Sylvain, but someone who sounds a lot like him and Davind Sylvian has the Voice. And then I find out that is mister Sylvain himself who is singing… My god, He needs to sing more on the albums.

I heard The Dodos from my friend Jenny. And eventhough I still haven’t listened all of their songs its mainly because I got stuck in Winter which is one of the best songs ever.

Other thing that I just found is Silversun Pickups can’t figure out why I didn’t find them earlier, but when I’m getting home I try to get them all from Ville, because Pikul is great.

I never though I would be in anywya country music, but Micah P. Hinson might change that a bit. Although if he wouldn’t have made the first song A Call to Arms such a beutiful instrumental He would never be mentioned because I would have never listened the album as far as I did.

Sinnbus has been one of my favourite labels mainly because of Torchous and Kam:As this year brough me also I might be Wrong (listen A Propos, chorus is a killer) and maybe Hundreds

There has been somuch of music that I would just easily label as “ambient” although not really ambient, so that I can’t remember all. Hey, since Stars of the Lid‘s “And Their Refinement of the Decline Haven’t been on any Top list I’ll add it here, That Album is pure Brilliance.
Other thing I would like to add just because of the last seconds of Burning Bridges Together is Twells & Christensen‘s Coasts I have listened that guitar for hours (looped it once with Traktor)

One more that I should have gotten straight away after release but for some unkown reason didn’t is Autolux‘s Transit Transit I think it’s as good as their debut, which is a lot. Hoping that Future Perfect actually was their debut.

This year I’ve been trying to find metal, good metal. Sometimes succeeding.

Murmuüre is sold out already from Paradigm records and I’m not surprised at all (I didn’t get it, but got the vinyl from Aurora Borealis). I don’t kno what to say about it. But it’s great.

Other thing which is somehow wierd to even mention is Altar of Plagues‘s Mammal because I’m not sure have I still listened the whole 4 songs but actually what happens at 8:14 on Neptune is Dead makes it already on this years list, funny enough.

Other release of Paradigms that comes to this list also mainly because the first song is Westering‘s Help a body There something in the soundworld that really works for me.

Anyway, soon I’ll be back in finland and have lot more to music to listen.. I wish I just find the place and time.
I just made my Ipod a playlist of some stuff I come up this past year that I should really catch up. Can I please somehow work with listening music?
Please.
This abudance is kind of too much. But I’m happy about it.
BTW September Malevolence AND Scraps of Tape has released new albums. Am I exited, yes a bit since SoT has always been good and SM’s previous album is absolutely amazing having a bass sound that makes me cry.

According to hippies and new age freaks this year will bring the change or starting of it. Watching the happenings in US (oocupy) Russia (demonstrations against Putin) and Arab world I can almost feel it. and I hope the change comes but does something else than in Egypt (where Fundamental islamist basically won the elections). All the Bes for all of you.

In florianopolis it’s rains a lot.
When there’s sun, it’s hot an burning.
Still I like it, somehow.

Since last time I’ve done 2 workshops over here and performed. Went to Porto ALegre, done workshop over there and performance.

Sveta came here as well. Telling first that she doesn’t know does she want to be with me. Then she knew. We have a bit of the problem talking since our words are not working on the same plane. And something has changed for her and she has met people who can understand her heart without words. I can’t. Yesterday we were talking about commitment again and how I feel that we understand it differently. From the way she talks I feel that for her commitment can be broken at any time. For me it cannot. It can be broken, of course, I have done it, but if it’s commintment it can’t be broken alone. To commit is to want. So if I commit to someone, I’ll work with the other person in order to make it work. And it might be that it doesn’t work even after trying. To me commitment is a lot of the want, so when I meet other desires I still want to choose the one I’m committed to, and that is the thing that makes me alive. It seems to me that for her that makes her a bit dead, because she actually desires something else. So I asked her if she wants and open relationship and she answered that maybe she dosn’t need any relationship.

It’s so hard when I’m relating to words so much. I know that the words lie as well and that there is other levels and plane’s of communication. But.. Somehow tired again. Of course I’m questioning myself of what I want. is it really that I want a committed relationship that would last for life. There is an ideal for that in me, but is it what I really want? I still feel that the answer is yes, it just seems that it will not be so easy to find a person who would feel the same.

I talked with Alexandra few days ago. It’s nice, I like her a lot. She was telling how she feels on somethings and somehow it was nice to hear. It kinda showed me why I didn’t go to germany over a year ago. Because it seems that all of the things I was afrai of would have happened. Of course, you never know what would have happened but persons are mainly patterns so if the pattern is occurring now it’s probable that it would have occurred anyway.

And the things are still there. Status, my place in world and heirarchy. I want to get rid of it. But it’s really difficult. I don’t really value myself because I don’t know how and what to value. I have no status, no money, no home, no job, no long itme relationship, no… I’m not open, not nice, I’m heavy, and dark I’m pessimistic, I think too much, I’m too closed, I don’t get things done, I do’t have the initiative. These are the things I hear. These are also the things that I see. And if I think about status.. I don’t really think I would be happier if I would have the “normal” job and a flat and a… How knows. But I feel there’s a pressure that I should have or done these things. And for sure, if it was by the work I want to do, I would be happier. But this far Only option that I have seen to achieve that have been through the work that I don’t really want to do. So what do I want to do then?

I would like to teach. I’m not sure often what is it that I would like to teach since there is so much to learn for myself. And at the same time I have no clear interest to study. Wierd. And teaching… well. I feel that I am good in that. but often I feel that people either do not agree or they don’t value the things I’m teaching or my persona comes in between. And this far I don’t know how to keep my persona out. But like now. I was in Porto Alegre doing a workshop. I taught pretty much the basic things for me, listening to the earth through the partner and yourself, having that connection clear for all the time. Then adding different aspects or viewpoints of it, but basically everything connected to that. Then on the second day Fernanda who was organizing the workshop ask if I could teach something more advanced. And I was lost, what is more advanced? So I asked what people want to learn. And eventually I gathered that It was pretty much what I was going to teach anyway, giving your whole mass. But people want to elarn what they see, they want to learn that cool looking movement. And within CI I don’t want to teach that unless there really would be a group that has the base of the listenign to the eart through so embodied that actually tey don’t need a teacher anymore, then it would be more like a lab. So what is more advanced? I don’t know. Eventually teahing is just pointing to something. Sign post to the true knowledge that can never be verbal.

It interesting, actually most of the things that we learn is not the knowledge itself but ways to communicate about the knowledge. Like anatomy, We might know name of everybone and muscle but we need them only when we need to communicate something about them, and true, sometimes to make things clear or embody the knowledge we need to communcate about those things with ourselves. (Who is communicating with whom, how many being there is within me, which one is me)

Ok, somehow I read UG Krishnamurti above there. So if you’re interested read. He is saying that there is no new experience, because in order us to know something as an experience we need to have some earlier information where to refer to. Ok this is simplified he’s saying a lot of other stuff too, many thigns which I’m not sure do I agree on. But in a way it just brings out the relativeness of everything. and yet, sensation is ot relative, the communication of the sensation is relative, because in order to communicate the sensation it’s needs to define it and there is no other ways to define than comparisons, but the sensation itself, before it’s communicated is not relative at all? or is it? I think it’s not. But if you don’t communicate the sensation to yourself, is it still there? Of course it is. Again, nature of reality is highly interesting.

Co-incidences happening. Nothing special, just little things. I often try to find meaning in them, but I can’t see it. So I try to let go, and just notice. Co-incidence.

In BSAS I was visiting a Video dance festival and saw documentary from Anna Halprin, “Breath made Visible”. Very good, what was interesting to me in relation to CI was that she was doing some stuff with community project on sixties, that by the look of it was totally CI. But she wasn’t interested about the physics, but emotions.
Later I had a talk with Asaf and Paula and Belen and I mentioned this. Asaf told that he remember Steve saying in some conversation that to him CI was kind of a counter culture in counter culture. Because all of the emotins, community, etc were on top at the sicties and seventies, he wanted to concentrate on the physics. It’s funny, because now people are again so much talkign how CI is so “special” because it’s intimicy, touch, emotions etc. And actually, that’s the stuff people were doing long time before, and that specially is NOT the stuff the artform that became CI wanted to concentrate on. There’s nothing bad in it. just interesting for me who has always approaached CI more from the physical point of view. Rather impersonal.

I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on art level.
I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on personal level.
I wonder is there anyone who really would share the view of commitment and would want to work with that.

Good day and good luck to you all.

Yesterday I needed to wait for a plane.
Played with iKaossilator.

And did somethings earlier.

Here is a few clip.

Dark Breeze

Little Khaos

Big Jazz

In Brasil, in a beatiful house by the se, on an upstair studio.
Great.
Rainy stormy day.
Waves crushing on to the shore.

Tomorrow.

TIme in BSAS is gone.
Sveta was right. Nothing happened. well not enough for me but I’m still unable to see how could I make it happen more.
But some nice performances and Nice workshop in festin and ow in last weekend. Thanks for Ciete Cielos, specially Jose, but all of them. Thanks to Gabo and Vanina.

I spent few days in Gabos place having very nice conversations with him. And few nice dances as well.

Yesterday Met Asaf, Paula and Belen. Again nice conversation.

But all and all, the same thing like last years. a real job. I feel that eventhough I do think of myself as a good dancer and teacher, other people don’t see it quite like that. At least if I’m looking the attendance rates to my classes.
So something else. I’m happy to come and teach, but I don’t want have need of making money with that. So I don’t need to take offers that don’t really please me. I really like teaching, but feeling dissapointments of the amount of people or of being rejected by festivals are taking the fun out of bit. So I shouldn’t take it too seriously.
The bad thing is that it’s the only thing that I feel I can actually do well. That I’m good in. So need to find other things that I’m good at, and which are appreciated more also around me.

Found out Murmuüre, I really like it, so it should be coming on vinyl, to me.
Lot of other things as well so now I hope santa claus will halp me also with my music addiction.

Lot of thinking of the internal processes. And how it’s so hard to let go.
And why do I choose what I choose when my choices are making me crazy at times.

Like what is my reason to organize festival with the group who working method often really sucks.
Why I can’t let go off that.
Maybe next year I will.
Maybe.

My life is so empty, there is so little of fillers. So it’s hard to let go off those few things. So I need to fill my life more.
question remains, with what? What am I really interested about? And what if I’m not?

Been playig more with Korg’s iKaossilator, it updated so now the exporting of the “songs” is even easier.

I’ll leave to florianopolis today.
Travelling is always stressing for me.
I’m most excited that Sveta is coming in few days. Very happy to see her and be able to be in the same physical space.

SOS is in usual turbulence. I somehow wish that peple would just inform if they’re not coming, early.
Or then next year I could (or we) really keep the deposit deadline. Now I’m being too nice.
And yesterday I made some mistakes with checing who has payed and who not, thanks to people having very similar names. Well I hope everything is ok now.
I think there’s like 40 people who haven’t payed or informed anything… Luckily I took abut 130 people in on the beginning knowing that there will be cancellations.
well in one day I’ll throw everyone out who hasn’t payed or contacted me.

Nothing much.

There is so many interesting things, but I would so much rather talk about those than write, for now.
Like:
Russia and Putin (I wait for a new “terrorist” attack, to get people fall in line behind him)
Tibetan Buddhism, buddhism and esoterical stuff.
The world change, and maya’s
Social form of contact and what other options we could have?
Hierarchy in any society or “community”, when it’s good when it’s bad.
Politics and economical “crisis”, who the hell understands it, and it was rigged already in the beginning. We cannot think in means of continuous growth because we do live in limited resources.
Islam and other religions and would it actually be possible to have a real discussion with critisism without being racist immediatly?
How can we take out “god” as an reason, from people’s heads.

So a lot. All of those discussions like my writings will not lead to anything, eventually. But it’s ok.
UG Krishnaurti is fun, although, there is some conflicting material.
I have no other way of communication than the words. Yes I do.