And I judge and am judged, and how I get angry because the ones who are judging me.
How you keep your heart open, and when I question the openess by the acts from history, I am mean and spiteful. I feel that I am, I know it.
I think with my head.
But it’s not that simple.
My thinking is emotions, My emotions are thinking, My moving is emotions, my touches are thinking. And true if we do divide, and we do, I think more than I feel. No I tell a lie, I’m more in my head than in my heart.
I’m lost with feelings because there’s so many. And in my feelings there is not a right way. And in my head there’s not a right way. Trick is to combine, or not to separate, me thinks/feels.

I am not worth of you. That is my problem, have been and still is. I don’t see myself as worth. Why would you, stay here. And because of something, I don’t want to be left. And I am left. we all are, I think.

So present comes from past and projects to the future. What I want now is what I want in future. And it’s rather helpfull, if you want to share that future, to have somehow, same intentions, same kind of view of relationship. What do you want from it.
I am here to open doors, you say.
I don’t carry your bag you say.
Even with all your love, I’m still not here to serve you.
I’ll help you as a friend, best I can, if you let me.
But I don’t want to get hurt, left when you get your doors open.
Get a locksmith.

We are never worth, there’s nothing to be worth with/of.
So what is worth to you?
And what is worth to me?

I feel lost in life. I want to be lost, it seems.
Hedonism married with wierd sense of responsibility is not an easy match.
I know what I want and that might be the problem, that I’m looking for it, asking is this it? maybe I shouldn’t, things come, things pass.
This will pass.
And that is the problem, I want something that doesn’t pass. That stays. And I know eventualy nothing will last. But for a glimpse that is life? maybe?

Maybe now
Maybe now
but how about tomorrow.

Yesterday I’m in an unknow appartment of someone I don’t know because someone I might now, if we would share the language, is staying there and we are there waiting for the train.
And we talk, with you.
and I go off into another room and play this song out of the guitar with same chords as always, with a slightly different melody and tell how things are, but you’re not there, some one else is.
And after I cry, because music can open some pathways I otherwise can’t. and it’s not just the music but the words as well. And afterwards I hope, I think, I should have recorded it, just because the lyrics. Because I think I can recall the chords and melody, but lyrics, no, I don’t think so. But I can always make new ones.

And you ask me questions, I though it was my job.
And I give you answers, which never was your job.
And I notice being, have been being, unclear yet again.

And I need to call you, just to see have I been unclear to you too.
I have not.
Oh how I love being able to communicate with words, to be understood, to be clear about my unclarity.

Again and again. Commitment, intension.
It’s not that I think, that I would think, that for sure it will work. It’s true, we never know. But I know that if the idea(l) is somehow similar, the understandment, it will have bigger posibilities. Why? because we’re on the same page, maybe not in same sentence but in same page. Not in totally different books.

When I write this, I ask to whom am I writing.
Valeria told me that, to myself. Vale, you were right I think, now. I always hoped that I would write this to someone who is interested, but maybe not. Maybe I am writing this to myself. Why do I make it public? Because then it’s real?
All of this is real, written or not.

I try to let go, of the words, of you, and my mind is going away and my heart is coming near. And another you is way too far.
Don’t think about replacing because nothing can ever replace.
Placement, where do I place myself.

I shed you like a skin, from my skin?
My skin heals, slowly, but it is healing. But I’m afraid that deep inside there’s still something which would mean another set of antibiotics. Not too happy about that. I’ll see tomorrow. How am I? My nose is blocked.

And when I was leaving the festival. I say goodbye to Masha. I love you, I love you too. I wish everything could be so honest and so simple.

I am not enough.
And when will I be?

And in here? I’m still in slight pain, not much.
But I can’t dance so much and I basically refuse to dance with people I don’t know just because I don’t want more pain. And dancing is my main way to share and be open.

I think I’m bit off, outside, of the festival, but it seems to e going well. And people are super just like I said, so it’s not only the teachers group.

Today was underscore, in two spaces and outside between. Rather nice experience.
I even danced a bit.

But I’m jumping ahead.. or to the present so let’s tell tales from history.

After teachers meeting we had a performance, which was ok. After performance we go to the roof with Natasha and Sveta and Natash see my sores. She thinks it is good to cut the leg open so next day Sveta spends going to the otherside of moscow to get scalpel. On the evening we are here at the festival site (buddhist center) and Natasha cut my leg, It hurts surprisingly lot. Some anesthesia on the skin helps a bit. After it’s done something releases, maybe tension, maybe something else. They bandage me up. I lay on bed for a while. Then I go to the jam and dance with my doctor about twenty minutes. Shower and change of badages.

So all and all it’s going nicely. I’m in same doze as I was in Meganom. I sleepwakedream most of the time, but now I move more, and now I have internet and skype calls.

It’s late so I finish.

Festival is soon over, time passes, Like we do.

In moscow,
Sweating,
Hot like… hell?

From ibiza I went to Kiev, there I noticed something in my head, scalp, then on my arm… and then pimple in my thigh I tried to squeeze.. Didn’t work out.
Left to crimea, Meganom.
No running water, no electricity, no toilets no showers.
But a spring near by, endless hot sun, hole in the ground, black sea.
But my sking go worse.
Three.. boils, infected, inflamed. Pushing out puss, blood, swollen.
Thank (insert your preferable deity here) Natasha is (was) a doctor. And Katja is visiting city, and you can get antibiotics without recipe in Ukraine (and in russia as well)
Finally antibiotics. 5 days behind, 6th just started. 7th is the last one.

And over there, I tried to go inside, to see what is it that I can’t push out so my skin needs to do it. And I don’t know. I know that everytime I talk anything serious with that ukrainian sweety I get mad. And I know that I have a pattern to long somewhere or someone else who is somewhere else. And I have some one to long for? And I don’t know do I long for because her or because it’s my pattern?

Dozing days in meganom, trying somehow, to dream to think to vision my way out of the pain, the burn. Waking up at nights sleeping at days. waveform, dream wake dream wake and reality becomes a mix. And I can’t really dance because those two places are so sensitive. In the beginning yes, on the first day. after that only few dances, mainly with people I know. Lovely dance with Mirva, and lovely talks through out the time there.

And I get so annoyed Ruslan going on about buddhism and his lama ole and diamond way. And I remember the pattern from teens… In congregation, to go against. And the most meaningful people there were always the ones who acted, not talked. And Ruslan keeps talking, Lama ole, But I can’t see the actions, Except hedonism. And I can’t see “be your own guiding light” because all I hear is lama. Not what he thinks. And I think, he doesn’t think. Ethics are way too hard and delicate, when we share no common language.
And I am angry. somehow, and I can’t express it because I have no real reason.
It’s just not the way I would like to follow and I don’t. And I envy that it seems to be so easy. To come and go and be forgiven.
Most meaningful people there were those who acted, not talked. And I talk.

I wanted something pure, Someone pure, But how when I am not pure. There is no purity.

And then it’s over. And I get so annoyed leaving, because people don’t use common sense.
Why it’s necessary to do things stupidly. And only second reason to suffer is that I am not well.

25 hours in train with Lior. I think we both slept most of it. I finish the Unseen Academics which is delightful. It’s pratchett, don’t think he would reinvent himself now.

And Moscow. hot moscow, going to some new people (maybe) there’s so many masha’s. And Asya takes me there, and no Masha but his brother Misha who is becoming a doctor. And he looks at my thigh and tells me that if I go to doctor I’ll be at least seven days in hospital because they will cut it open, and run through test, and I think. No. He also says that he thinks it’s possible to handle like I’m oing now. So good. If this turns to worse I head back finland.
And then yesterday evening. Polina gives me reiki. After it, Sasha comes and tells the trouble. My host Masha didn’t tell her parents (who are also living in the flat) that she going to host 3 people there, because parents should be out of town. But for some reason her mother is back and angry. Polina tells she can take me. So I go get my stuff, and I estimate the times and distances wrong. End up running from metro to masha/misha’s place. Running is so nice, and I wonder how I have so much stamina after and still being sick, not doing anything for 8 days. But I have, I can run.

Then there’s the teachers meeting, and VOW. I said that this is going to be really good festival. and this really will be. The group of teacher this year is so nice bunch of people. I like, and It’s difficult to dance, but I do dance, because I want to dance. Pain is there, but the joy out of moving overrules it easily.

My thoughts going on circles, what if what if what if. And again I have skype calls.
And somewhere in my mind count the passing time. An I don’t want this. I want to be where I am. But I want this, because there is something, more than just a feeling, possibility to talk, share thoughts by words, and I love words and to play with them.
My thoughts are words.

And I have to think and thank of Anatoli, who translated my sharing in meganom and I think no one else of the translators would have done it as good as him, mindmapping, or mindfucking according to Mirva. Well anyone can fuck anyway, but some reason not all of the people are able to mindfuck. I enjoy both… except, I would rather make love, in both ways.

Today on the meeting I wrote three highest of these

I will be alright.

I’m grateful to those who are able to bear with my uncertainty and unclarity.
Often we are not clear anyway, even when we think we are. Maybe something is clear to ourselves, but we are not able to communicate it clearly to others. Maybe.

I was visited, I am happy for that. I enjoy so much to have some one to talk with.

Now I’m not clear, and I start to wonder when I was, really, It seems like a long time.
And yet, it’s always related to situations or aspects. Everything is not unclear. I know I want to dance. I know that it’s going forward. The CI dances I’ve had with last year… Vow.

Yesterday I went to night market, to see Barbi (who wasn’t there) and Vicky (Who was there) since I’m going tomorrow evening. And I met Chris too. And then I met Juan who told that he’s playing in half an hour, inside, in a band with two women. He invited me to see, and I went. Now, the leading woman was superb singer, and damn good guitar player as well, and songs were good as well, but what really took my attension was the bassist who was super cool. Women playing bass, but not just that, she was just so cool. I fell in love.
But love is not the feeling. just this…Ah…
I hope the band (and specially Juan) all the best.

So I am leaving tomorrow. I’m getting tired of being so poor that I’ll always travel with bad connection. tomorrow at 23 to gatwick, from there bus to heathrow (6hours between flights) and then to kiev… and then I try to figgure out my way from moscow to romania with trains. Luckily I have friends who will help. And then from cluj to bucharest to get to finland… and that will be in 5 weeks.. jeij.

So wait, do I want to get back home? Home as in finland? I think not, and yet, I do. All the albums and my guitar and the slight sense of rest except there’s not much of it, either.

Got my flight back to ibiza, that was nice. And I don’t have flights away yet because I don’t know where I am going… which reminds me to write a couple of emails.

The way is dim, but somehow I’ll find it.

When I was in Kiev festival, on one night, in a jam. I said no, to two pesons, and not because of the person but because of the timing. It felt really difficult. I though that I need to get them to dance with me on the next night or later on the same night, just to show it’s not about them, but about timing or something else. And then… why? why would I feel guilty or try to “make up” something when there’s absolutely nothing to make up.

And now I’m in situation where I have limited amount of time, and I’m asked to do a short performance for a good thing. But eventhough the performance is 15 min I know it will take from the precious day about 5 hours… anyway. And I dont want to. So I said no, then I was begged, because they really need men. And I though about it. and said no again, but I really feel… not easy with it. What if I’m never asked again? what if… what if… But I’m here only one week more. I’m sure if I would be here still for a month I would go, just incase it would bring more work. But now, I can be bit easier on that pressure.

It’s really hard for me to do clear decisions, to close doors and possibilities. Even when it’s needed, even when I know, pretty much, what I want.

No more syllabes to hide on….
Madder Mortem

something else.
Sydän Sydän. swearword. Jari told me about them such a long time ago but i never got into it. and then because of Tuomas Skopa’s (who is the leadsinger of sydän sydän) solo that really hit me I listened their albums bit better, (like listened), and my my “auto” is mainly great, super, awesome. And Tuomas Skopa is amazing singer… for crying out loud. how it took me so long to find this album? but this is how it always goes, and it’s not bad because I found it now and have joyed immensly singin wierd lyrics and great melodies in finnish…

One more week in this land. Then a shift a change. Festival after festival and lot of trains.
Life..

I recorded the bit. And it came to me that I recorded something also in Florianopolis.
I was walking on the beach and I found something that reminded me of sharks egg, that I long time ago saw in some nature documentary. and I started to sing. Sang for a long while walking. Finally sat down and recorded it, with phone of course.

And now sitting up in the monte I listened to it. And it stuck and I sang it for the rest of the day.
Late in the evening, before getting dark some words came to me that I wanted to write down. So I wrote down some lines that I remembered from earlier improvising and then I dug out my computer and recorded it with internal mic.
Just when I was finishing sebastian came back home, you can hear him moving.
I was going to record the second voice but sadly I had forgotten my headphones. so it took a while before I got them back. and then it took a while until I actualy recorded the second voice. And if you really listen voice you can hear that on the lead voice, I have sang the whole day underneath. and on the second one I only sang like half and hour.

Of course, later on I listened the orginal, brasilian one, and noticed that it has something that this version doesn’t. But maybe, I’ll record it again sometime, somewhere. coming back again. This is what it is now.

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
too bad it was over, before the beginning

Little unborn child of mine
if you come into this world I will love you with all my might

I knew it when you told me in BSAS that it’s the end. That’s why I forced you to say that you leave me, because that’s what you did. And I knew that I forced. And most of the trip down south I was hoping that you would argue that I wouldn’t be right, but you didn’t. And I knew I was right. Why then, when being back home, after SOS I still tried so hard to find a way or a change to hold on?
Drama, I had to play through the last act. Even though I knew that the script was written and it will follow it’s course. Script also wrote my hopes and my desperation. Why did I need to do it, play along? Is it, would it be possible just to skip it, when I know. And at the same time, emotions need to takes their course and time. And at the same time, I do believe that I can diminish or amplify my emotions. And diminishing doesn’t mean repressing or supressing but diminishing. Not give the value. or extra value.

That’s is the point in feelings. because we value things that are ot there so often, we value falling in love, we value hate? But the most important is the everyday, all of this what I feel here, sitting in fromt of computer, outside of a cafe, wind getting colder. Thinking of people who are far away, getting ready to pick up Ilona from the airport.
And I don’t feel much. And I feel much.

Again CI comes to help as an allegory. I think I wrote about it earlier. Dances have become good because it’s all as important. the little shift of weight on my foot is as important as going up to Monika’s shoulder, and they do not exist without each others, and they are as valuable. There’s is no difference, no “more good” or “less good”
Beyond Good and Evil

So what do I value.
Respect commitment openness. And what is true respect, commitment, openness?

This is a great place to test myself. So what I want to test
I know what I want.
Do you want me to dance in your piece? please tell me, if so.

I think I wrote what I wanted. Now.

“Don’t fear, my fire, is enough for the both of us”

Not much work but I hope people come running to my CI course “Light Falls” Title, taken from here.

After pondering long long time I eventualy went to flow, because all the people from the island who I know were there anywya. And the food was good. I didn’t really attend to workshop having more workshops of my own. MEt som really really lovely people. Well I’m sure that all of the people have their lovely aspects but I just can’t meet all of them. Had my greatest time over there, dancing, I enjoy so much contact Improvisation. It seems amazing, I feel that when I walk nowdays on the path up to the hill, my cordination is not so good, or my sense of balance, I feel unagile. But when I get to dance, I feel I’m doing stuff more preciseness I’ve ever done and dances are amazing… Really great great moment. It was nice to have Finnish crew here, and to still have them here. Language is important evetually.

Not going so deep with this post but what can I do.

Sebastian is orderin a tiipii and I would like to have one too. It would be great in my mothers summer cottage.

I need to do more.
That’s all.

Waiting for a message from someone, bit too eagerly, I think.

Goodnight and good luck to you all.

Kiev was a blast. A lot of dancing, nice classes and it was good to teach.
Now in ibiza, and no work yet.
Maybe I’m not doing enough for it?
I should, but I’m bit shy somehow, to go to places with my non exitent español and ask for a job. I don’t know why. Well something small is in the future, but I need more. Just so that I can get back here for Etic after ECITE.

Last night I slept in a tree with my hammock, Up in a tree. And yesterday I was looking a piece of land with super trees. Maybe I’ll go over there since the house/room situation in here is slightly bit complex and I’m not here for so long after all.

Something physical coming my way?
I was running yesterday. For about half an hour almost continuously. I was surprised as hell.
Even with the broken fivefingers (shoe) because a little dog named Mia ate part of it. But today I should get it (the shoe) fixed.

Today I’ll attend (very soon) to Monika’s contemporary class and that should be fun as well.
So life is, going, moving, life is.
Not so sure about anything, but no need to be. Everything was, is and will be ok.
It’s ok.

If you wonder about the title of the post, check the ganji. I often forget this.

I have a feeling I had something important to write and not just this blaa blaa, but maybe I didn’t.

Shining.

Ok so one evening not long ago I started play this riff and then I played it about hour or two. then I made “b” section… then I was so fond of it that I recorded it.
Then I did the drum track…
Then I did plimplom guitar (so typical of me) on top of the riff.
Then I tried to sing something on it.
Then I went to sleep.
In the morning I tried to sing again, got something.
Later on It presented itself as ready.
Got and idea using two vocals (like always) and needed to make lyrics.
Made the lyrics, sang it quite a few times.
Made bass.
Mixed it.
Well, I could say that it’s ready but my singing always has somepoint that hurts my ears.
so…
I’ll put it here anyway, in the end of the post.

What else should write.
Well it’s somewhat funny that if you want a silk sleepingbag/liner, you can get those cocoons and whatnot from sportshops and they cost like 80€ OR THEN you can go to “LIKE” shop and get one that is made in vietnam by single mother who made a co-op (soundly sleeping dragon) and started to do things. (ah pages only in finnish… no idea) And the funny thing is that this one costs 35€. So if I have understood right this one is fairtrade and the women actually get real profit out of it, and still it’s only 35€. I can’t but wonder who and where are cocoons and whatnot made and who is making the profit from there.

FInding a good bag is a drag… and then even if you find suitabel, almost, it’s probably black, oh so boring.

I need to get sleepingbag as well, the silk one isn’t quite enough by it self.

Need need need.

long time ago I got quite a few albums from UTECH, and I still, probably haven’t gone through them all, but I listened to Knell “last ten meters” and it’s bloody brilliant. Also Suzuku Junzo’s “pieces for the hidden circles” is very nice. I’m sure there’s other nice stuff as well.

Got couple of things from Nadja, Nadja/Ovo split is not my piece of cake. But then UnderJaguarSun vinyl really is. I’m slightly annoyed with Beta-lactam ring rec, because they still didn’t sned me under jaguar sun cd. I don’t know they had some emergency on the family and that’s how it is with small labels, people are doing it for the love and there’s not many of them, so they just cannot hire more people to do the work, and when something comes up that takes their full attention the work maybe suffers. Nevertheless, I am annoyed specially since someone over there promised to send me the cd LONG time ago.

Oh, and I listened Final’s Afar pleasently surprised.

Soon I go to dancing..

O - Much Of Things