The art of saying no

OK, I dislike the title straight away but I can’t think better right now so never mind.

When I was in Kiev festival, on one night, in a jam. I said no, to two pesons, and not because of the person but because of the timing. It felt really difficult. I though that I need to get them to dance with me on the next night or later on the same night, just to show it’s not about them, but about timing or something else. And then… why? why would I feel guilty or try to “make up” something when there’s absolutely nothing to make up.

And now I’m in situation where I have limited amount of time, and I’m asked to do a short performance for a good thing. But eventhough the performance is 15 min I know it will take from the precious day about 5 hours… anyway. And I dont want to. So I said no, then I was begged, because they really need men. And I though about it. and said no again, but I really feel… not easy with it. What if I’m never asked again? what if… what if… But I’m here only one week more. I’m sure if I would be here still for a month I would go, just incase it would bring more work. But now, I can be bit easier on that pressure.

It’s really hard for me to do clear decisions, to close doors and possibilities. Even when it’s needed, even when I know, pretty much, what I want.

No more syllabes to hide on….
Madder Mortem

something else.
Sydän Sydän. swearword. Jari told me about them such a long time ago but i never got into it. and then because of Tuomas Skopa’s (who is the leadsinger of sydän sydän) solo that really hit me I listened their albums bit better, (like listened), and my my “auto” is mainly great, super, awesome. And Tuomas Skopa is amazing singer… for crying out loud. how it took me so long to find this album? but this is how it always goes, and it’s not bad because I found it now and have joyed immensly singin wierd lyrics and great melodies in finnish…

One more week in this land. Then a shift a change. Festival after festival and lot of trains.


Quite a while ago already I was in the monte, or valley or midhouse, how ever you want to call it.
Everyone was going but I woke up too late and stayed. Not knowing will I get out or not.
I sat a bit, and started to sing… sang for a while and realised that I should get it up, somewhere. Phone is the obvious answer for quick recording needs.

I recorded the bit. And it came to me that I recorded something also in Florianopolis.
I was walking on the beach and I found something that reminded me of sharks egg, that I long time ago saw in some nature documentary. and I started to sing. Sang for a long while walking. Finally sat down and recorded it, with phone of course.

And now sitting up in the monte I listened to it. And it stuck and I sang it for the rest of the day.
Late in the evening, before getting dark some words came to me that I wanted to write down. So I wrote down some lines that I remembered from earlier improvising and then I dug out my computer and recorded it with internal mic.
Just when I was finishing sebastian came back home, you can hear him moving.
I was going to record the second voice but sadly I had forgotten my headphones. so it took a while before I got them back. and then it took a while until I actualy recorded the second voice. And if you really listen voice you can hear that on the lead voice, I have sang the whole day underneath. and on the second one I only sang like half and hour.

Of course, later on I listened the orginal, brasilian one, and noticed that it has something that this version doesn’t. But maybe, I’ll record it again sometime, somewhere. coming back again. This is what it is now.

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
too bad it was over, before the beginning

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
can you hear the waves crushing above your skin

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
Can you feel my heart beating beneath your ribs

Little earthborn, little skyborn thing
Can you taste the salt in the wind beneath your wings

Little unborn, little stillborn thought
I know I stopped you before, you could go on

Little earthborn, little seaborn thing
can you feel my heart aching, I want to be with

My lover who is so far away
can you hear my singing, I wish that you would’ve stayed

Little unborn child of mine
if you come into this world I will love you with all my might

Much of things

I’ve been feeling that I have a lot to do, (before I go) but I just can’t figure out what it is.
I’ve been trying, yeah trying to make the songs ready, but yet again I have failed.
I’ve been singing and playing guitar though, but when something is ready, uh.
I’ve been absent minded, feeling not able to concentrate much of anything.
I’ve been feeling that I’ve forgotten something important (like get new visa for russia to get to moscow festival, but yes I did remember, justa bit too late)
I’ve been consciously trying to avoid of being stressed and yes, I’m not stressed.
I’ve been consciously deciding not to worry. I can worry then when I’m there where I need to worry. Now I don’t need to worry because everything is ok.
I’ve been thinking and searching for the new bag/backbag and being totally lost with them, some of them being nice, but none of them being exactly what I need/want.
Realizing that one really annoying thing about travelling is that I’m too lazy to carry my guitar (and it’s electric anyway) with me all the time. I’ll miss playing and to get better at playing I need to play.
I’v been listening to a lot of music.

Ok so one evening not long ago I started play this riff and then I played it about hour or two. then I made “b” section… then I was so fond of it that I recorded it.
Then I did the drum track…
Then I did plimplom guitar (so typical of me) on top of the riff.
Then I tried to sing something on it.
Then I went to sleep.
In the morning I tried to sing again, got something.
Later on It presented itself as ready.
Got and idea using two vocals (like always) and needed to make lyrics.
Made the lyrics, sang it quite a few times.
Made bass.
Mixed it.
Well, I could say that it’s ready but my singing always has somepoint that hurts my ears.
I’ll put it here anyway, in the end of the post.

What else should write.
Well it’s somewhat funny that if you want a silk sleepingbag/liner, you can get those cocoons and whatnot from sportshops and they cost like 80€ OR THEN you can go to “LIKE” shop and get one that is made in vietnam by single mother who made a co-op (soundly sleeping dragon) and started to do things. (ah pages only in finnish… no idea) And the funny thing is that this one costs 35€. So if I have understood right this one is fairtrade and the women actually get real profit out of it, and still it’s only 35€. I can’t but wonder who and where are cocoons and whatnot made and who is making the profit from there.

FInding a good bag is a drag… and then even if you find suitabel, almost, it’s probably black, oh so boring.

I need to get sleepingbag as well, the silk one isn’t quite enough by it self.

Need need need.

long time ago I got quite a few albums from UTECH, and I still, probably haven’t gone through them all, but I listened to Knell “last ten meters” and it’s bloody brilliant. Also Suzuku Junzo’s “pieces for the hidden circles” is very nice. I’m sure there’s other nice stuff as well.

Got couple of things from Nadja, Nadja/Ovo split is not my piece of cake. But then UnderJaguarSun vinyl really is. I’m slightly annoyed with Beta-lactam ring rec, because they still didn’t sned me under jaguar sun cd. I don’t know they had some emergency on the family and that’s how it is with small labels, people are doing it for the love and there’s not many of them, so they just cannot hire more people to do the work, and when something comes up that takes their full attention the work maybe suffers. Nevertheless, I am annoyed specially since someone over there promised to send me the cd LONG time ago.

Oh, and I listened Final’s Afar pleasently surprised.

Soon I go to dancing..

OMuch Of Things

Between your head and toes

I don’t get much done.
I could blame the heartache but I know myself better.
It’s not about that.

So I played, finally, with garage band and Pod X3 and guitar.
But vocals still… uh, hard. And you know what, all the time with the tracker stuff has sounded too… bassy, stuck, not clear… and now, my vocals sound the same. I start to think that I should try other mic. maybe it’s my AKG C1000S? I have no idea, if you do, give me a hint.

Ok,I started to sing this song about… well, I think about 1 and a half year ago in moscow festival. About a year ago I wrote the lyrics.

About 9 months ago I tried to sing it but no could do.
No I did it.
Super simple.
4 vocal tracks, + 2 added in the end.
I kind of like it, but singing is more fun than listening..
Somehow this is those CI songs to me, maybe I made it while dancing, maybe not. I’m not sure anymore. In moscow anyway.

The lyrics might make sense, might not… but it’s pretty clear so make up your ow mind.
I have aproblem, there is a finnish black metal group (or at least was) called O… so I don’t know what name to use… Go figure.

O (A) – Collarbones

Top 2009

This is getting harder every time. Of course 2007 was easy because of Ulver…
But I’ll try anyway. I am well aware that this summer/autumn I’ve listened less music than probably ever. Just because of travelling. So lot of the stuff that has come out I just haven’t heard.

OK, let’s get on with it, not in any order, except Jozef is where it should be:

Jozef Van Wissem – Ex Patria
Just the sheer beauty of this takes my breath away.

Jozef Van Wissem – It Is All That Is Made
Just the sheer beauty of this takes my breath away.
All and all it’s very hard to say (and utterly useless) which one of these would be in anyway better… Brilliance is brilliance.

Nadja – Corrasion (vinyl)
Well, I don’t know ho many times I’ve listened Numb on a loud volume, and the blueness of it just makes it better.

Nadja – I Make From Your Eyes The Sun

Nadja/Black Boned Angel
Christ Send Light was super, this is something different, but still, super

Nadja – Belles Betes
Specially Green and Cold is superb.

Aidan Baker – Gathering Blue (vinyl)
Gathering blue from your eyes…, really really beautiful just because of this song the release is solid… Of course lot of other stuff on this has been released before.

Aidan Baker – Thoughtspan (vinyl)
“And it doesn’t matter that you’re not here”

Jesu – Infinity
Well, somehow returning into old(?) but I agree with some review that he might as well have divided this into the songs they are. Nevertheless this get’s my hopes up for future releases.

Kongh – Shadows of the Shapeless
Riding a bike through BSAS with this album coming through. Pretty damn good. Probably even better than their first one.

Cult Of Luna – Eternal Kingdom
Let’s ee, how this goes. I think that somewhere along thehigway is better, but then again for a long time I though that salvation is better than SAH, so what do I know.

Bass Communion – Litany
You just have to hear it.

William Basinski – 92982
What can I say, Mr. Basinski delivers. I mean, you know this is great. Now I’m just waiting for the new one for top 2010 list.

Aerial – Put it this way in headlines
Well, I just got this… But it’s aerial for sure. I think this album would be on the top list just because of the guitars of the end of “in our wake”

Is this all? it can’t be all? But nevertheless…. so it seems, oijoi.

day of dis….

PIc from Finland though.

We’ve been looking for bikes. To cycle from place to place. Cycles are cheap here, if you come from europe.
But if you think you’re going to use it for a month…
Yesterday we found a good bike with 300 pesos. Too good to be true.
WHen we went to pick it up this morning… yeah, the poor woman had made a mistake with the price, it was 700. Arse, mistake, hah. I donät know what she tried but mistake it was not. Maybe that I would settle for a worse bike with 400.
This place is full of talk that doesn’t mean a thing. Blaa blaa blaa.
People are trying to bullshit in everywhere. But here blaa blaa blaa is a rule, not exception.

So now I have to find a bike. again. maybe.

paypal refuses to work with me when paying to US. I do not know why.
I hope they’ll tell me. I think they’re trying to bullshit me as well.

But something totally different from all of this.
After telling my friend Weazie about Jozef Van Wissem and It is all that is made He returned a link to ubuweb’s Van Wissem site. And my god, rom there you can find forthcoming Ex Patris (from important records, on vinyl apparently). Ex Patris continues the same awesomeness and beauty as It Is All That Is Made. Superbly Superbly beautiful. From ubuweb you can also hear A Priori which is also super good, but these two works of 2009 are overwhelmingly good.
I’m happy so happy that one funny day I was visiting a local new recordstore in helsinki and just ecause of the covers I picked up Jozef’s Stations of the cross, I like it, enough that I got more, like A Rose By Anyother Name and A Priori and then It Is All That Is Made I’m so happy.

Right now my ears are filled with Black Boned Angel’s and Nadja’s collaboration. The “new” full lenght one. And sure it’s not Christ Send Light, but something slightly else. However this far I do like it.

I’m so sad about the bike. I’m so happy about the music.

Every weekend, fri to sun here is a market very close by. I’ve been getting a lot of bomillas. Gues what you’re going to get for souveniers?
Today there was a stall by a woman who makes knives. I’m such a sucker for knives. There was this one super beautiful one, and I had to keep telling myself that it’s unpractical for me, it’s made for skinning small animals, it’s not for me, I wouldn’t use it.. But it was so beautiful. I didn’t got it though. ANd I won’t get it tomorrow either (?)

SOS is full and now people are not even signing up for the waiting list so much anymore which is ok.

I think about coming back to finland. Going to russia and ukraine. My life and how it doesn’t seem to go anywhere even I’m going from place to place.
Most of the stuff comes down to couple of questions: “What is important?” “What do I want?”
I love to dance. Hire me.

Air no breathe


A lot of time.
Vanishing away?
A lot to write about?
Well not a lot.

Visiting a laundry, and then Freddo’s because there’s no place to wait in the laundry.
I wonder how quickly they come to finland, will they ever come.
Will I ever come.

Yes I will, I know I’ll return because SOS is soon and Sos is full.
Less than 24 hours and we had 120 people coming. It’s nice.

Dancing here has been… well.. good, but jams are packed. Spaces are too small for the amount of people.
And at the same time as it is beautiful to see so many people interested and dancing, it’s also super frustrating try to dance with no space. Feeling limited all the time by the space. And finding out people with whom you could really explore and try out and find something but space limiting our exploration, our dance.
But that’s how it is.
I did a class, just one, which is always too short. But it went good. I always know how things could go better, but but… maybe better is a wrong word, different. You can’t be sure which choice would be (or will be) better.
Autarco asked me to visit him, and maybe there we will have some more space, or less people.
Lior would be also there.

This summer has been… Meeting and meeting people.
L and P and AH and AD and M in Moscow, then A&L + Autarco in Ibiza, then L, P, AH & M in here.
Going around russia, europe and argentina and meeting same people. Hah.

Again and again I’m lost in life and people and things. And again and again I find out that dancing is the thing where I’m least lost. But at the same time I’m enough lost in that one too, so that I can’t figure my way to make a living out of it, at least yet. Maybe I will. Here I’ve got some invitations to some places, but problem lies in no one having much of the money. And I’m slighly annoyed that I sense some people thinking I have a lot of money because I’m coming from europe. I don’t, but at the same time I do have a much better back up system than most of the people here, so I shouldn’t complain.
Back to dance. Dancing makes me happy, I notice that I have a hard time to smile, but in Jams I notice myself smiling much more.

Another thing that makes me.. Not just happy but… No it doesn’t make me anything, but it brings me enormous Joy is of course music (surprise surprise!). And the best thing for a while is Jozef Van Wissem’s It Is All That Is Made. I knew that I will like it, all of Jozef’s albums have been great this far, but this one, my…… How can anyone make music that is so sad and joyful and beautiful at the same time. It’s so beautiful that this far every time I’ve listened to it I’ve noticed tears coming to my eyes at some point. He has this theme that he returns to in every other(?) piece. I don’t know. I could try to write million things about this album, and nothing would hit the point so well. That’s why it’s music, not words.
Only thing I can say is that listen to it. Get it, and listen to it. Helped me a lot during these weeks. I notice.

City is big and full of cars. It reminds me of moscow for these same reasons, although I think that moscow is bigger. And of course the athmosphere is not exactly the same. In both countries I don’t speak the language. Here I can at least read the road signs. I wish I would get a bike, although the traffic is pretty scary in a way. Like they have lane marks, but nobody actually drive on the lanes. They drive how ever. But traffic is flowing so it’s ok. I was told here is a lot of parks, and yes there is, Only thing is that the park might be about thirty meters wide and there might be 4 lane road on both sides, so it’s not exactly peaceful or fresh, but it’s ok still.

Lot of notices warning about not leaving water around because water is a breeding place for mosquiteos and mosquitos can give you dengue, which is apparently somekind of relative of malaria.

Am I again picking up just negative things?
Food is very good, people seem to be nice although for me always takes a while to get accustomed to way of behaving.

I was lying in the dance space of san telmo, where the festival classes were. Watching the fan on the roof. Then I was lying in the terrase next to it watching birds, alone, in flocks. And I remembered reading that hawk or an eagle can see 240 pictures in a second. So for us 24 pictures is enough to make picture moving, But for eagle there would be a lot of stillness. Every moment is eternity, and not related to each others. It’s like pictures. Every moment is a still forever but we just happen to flow from still to still in the speed of 24 pictures. Time and space is totally created and related to our perception. Think, over 100 times more information in a second. Second is a long time. Eternities next to each others.
If I shoot a five minute dance piece with camera taking 240 pictures a second, slow it down to 24 pics a second, 500 minutes of dance. Continuous slow motion.
How slow we must look for an eagle.

Oh thing more. I love my bag, It’s great. I want to marry it. I took the brand of and replaced it with eyes of Ganesha since I’m becoming a hippie and since Ganesha is abundant. Bag is abundant. It’s nice to have something designed well for use and looking good. Now the test is just how long and well it will last.

One down


Ok, one festival down.
I’m totally tired and I don’t understand why.
I didn’t do ay intensive. I did too classes.
I did dance in the jams a lot.
But still being tired all the time is getting tiring.

Tomorrow to siberia, Novo-sibirsk and then night trip on a bus to altai mountains.
More free time… well easier schedule I think.
I took loads of free time now too.

Two weeks still.

Met Ice queen, such a lot of fun.
Met some other people too. Great dances, great people.
Most of them I’ll meet again soon.

But Masha I’ll miss a lot…
Let’s see how my life turns out.
Probably no net for a while.

Oh, one superb thingy, Nathan from conspiracy told that because GLS (well actually Itella) lost my packet) GLS will cover the whole sum. And for cases like this they have a couple of copies saved. so they send me new packet with almost everything in there (Wolves in the throne room missing, but I got that from elsewhere) Now I just hope that my father picks it up…
But superb work from Nathan and Conspiracy Records. So many thanks.

So many things…


ECITE is over, we ended on friday and went of to Liverpool to do some performance.
Friday night performances were at the Blue Coat theater… Kind of usual stuff as shortly improvised performance vise, but the place was really really nice, as a building or atmosphere somehow.
I remember mainly just hoppalappa postfolki tantzi teatteri… but they have worked long time together. Liisa’s solo partial thanks to the child who was crying on the next space, duve kind of thingy, and of course Ville’s verbalopening on the last bit.

What do I have to say about ECITE? Somehow after reading… well it’s not about that. it’s just me. I feel that I didn’t share or exhange so much about teaching, at least verbally. But I exhanged through dancing and dancing was mainly really good. I’m specially happy about dancing with Mathilde in Karl’s DJ jam so that we wanted to continue the exploration as a performance in liverpool on saturday…

I’m jumping around I know.

ECITE was good, let’s see how we figure it out in finland next year.

So on friday performances where in blue coat theater space. On saturday they were in A Foundation gallery space or spaces. A lot of space.
I notice that I get highly frustrated on discussions how things should be done… specially when performance should start around 15 o’clock and we start to talk about overall arch about 14.55.
But I think that beginnings and Ends group score in the big white space were good. Also there was some beautiful small things happening like Steve’s and that livepoolian guys singing in golden space. As well as Liisa’s and Peter’s duet next to the golden space. I just hope more people would have found those spaces earlier and actually seen them well enough. I also think that Mathilde’s and mine small thing was good. I really enjoyed and I was very happy to get Peter’s positive feedback (verbally and graphically) about it.
But maybe the nicest thing in the weekend was that V came to liverpool and we had some time together.

I understand well why buddhist monks were not married.. well some of them are now. But it’s sometimes hard to not to be attached. And when being attached it brings up so many emotions… Good and bad.

After the weekend… We came back to london. On monday, yesterday I had a flight to moscow with Caroline and Lily. We had agreed to see at 14.00 before check-in. I get into the tube at 13:00, minor delays in piccadilly line. aha.. I change tube two times, we sit and wait around… again, so much for me to learn. I sent loads of messages to Caroline that I’m late. Finally I get into airport and check-in (she went ahead but booked space for Lily and me next to her) go through security. get myself a coffee. Gate is open and we wait for Lily who’s also stuck in tube.
She comes through we make it to the gate when they’re boarding, no worries.
In the plane captain announces that we’ll be delayed about 30 min. And we have 30 min change in Wien. No worries.
We get to Wien, run to austrian airlines info desc to find out the gate. We run through security to the gate. Moscows plane is late as well and the woman behind the counter tells us that it’s still possible that we got our luggage on to the same plane. Normally the time between should be 25min, now it’s 19. OK.
Another nie sit in the airplane, and I start to think why the hell I’m coming to moscow now anyway… Well at the time, coming to the teachers meet sounded like a good idea. but being so tired a couple of days rest in helsinki doesn’t sound bad either… but nothing to be done anymore.
We get to moscow, we find our luggage, Jeij.
I get to Andrey’s Jeij, tomorrow teachers meet starts.

Still no sign about conspiracy packet. Finish mail Itella and GLS has lost it somewhere. Itella is doing it’s job so badly.
I hope GLS will find it but they have now looked for it about 3 weeks and no sign. I wrote to them yesterday but haven’t got any answer yet.
I’m not happy about this. almost all of the vinyl in the packet is sold out at the moment.

This comes to owning things again. I want to know that I have them. In real world I wont be able to listen to them at least in two months. if things go like I planned I won’t be able to listen to them until january (well, it’s not a plan, but a hope/wish/belief). And because no one knows the count of our days I can’t be sure will I ever hear/see them. But I still like to feel that they are there, that I own them.. and that’s why I’m not happy about packet’s being lost.

Ok… I start to drift.. later again me thinks.


Is absolutely terrible.
Too much stuff, too small bag, one new bag that is also too small.
LIke what it would be needed in two months… Or hopefully more.
Too many books.
Quite a few dance pants… and dance clothes, not enough “normal” clothes..
And the the sleeping bag and mattress… too much….
And the new backbag is good for computer but then nothing else fits into it.
And my old eastpak is perfect, you can fit a shop in there but it’s a messenger and with computer it’s so heavy that it isn’ really nice to carry at all…

+ then there are people saying coming not coming and all te rest.
Pretty soo however I should be in a place with some friends and some new people and hopefully lots of dancing…
I’ll try to figure out how I’ll get enough stuff with me or will I?

Why worry when there’s nothing to worry about.
It’s not so serious, only stuff.

Then again not getting the packet from conspiracy because of Itella truly sucks.
Nathan at Conspiracy has been great, so there is nothing to complain. but apparently Itella has lost the packet somewhere and now GLS the original transporter can’t really find it. Or haven’t at least told me if they have.
It sucks. There is the new Isis.

Then again got stuff from Drone Records.
He always send some promos too which is so nice. WHen I get rich I’ll order the all of their drones. Two new Subtantia Innominata are coming out in any minute. And to me it seems that the series is just getting better. At least Voice of Eye was great. In the same packet Aidan’s Gathering Blue. It seems that this year lot of releases but also lot of them recycling old material. Nevertheless the name song is superb. So I’m happy.

Tone Float releasing new Bass Communion, kind of a must… bummer.
Buddhists come to help, How can I get rid of this want… Haha..

After last mail… Sun, dancing a bit, teaching, water, walking, talking, singing and stuff. Nice time and nice people, even when I don’t understand much of what they’re talking about.


Songs I hear(t)


Not quite that warm yet though… well some days ahve been, today, not.

Been busy mainly just digitizing my cd’s. Pretty dull in a way but then today I listened Kent for a such a long time and my god.. I don’t know.. what is nostalgia? Because I don’t relate those song so much in my life. I can remember when I heard some of them for the first time and so.. But mainly I think they move me just because they’re so undenyingly good. Listen Kräm (så närä får ingen gå) or 10 minuter (för mig själv) from Verkligen or Blåjeans, Ingenting någonsin or När det blåser på månen and tell me those song aren’t great and I tell you’re tone deaf. So moving so great so beautiful songs. It’s awesome.
THen I listened some old days like Fell of the floor, man and Via and same thing… Uh. deeply moving. or then it’s just the time of the year.Or then it’s just that I really listen…
I can listen or then I can really listen, let myself go into the music or let the music come into me. And the sensation within these two just listening and really hearing/being is very different. Like.. err.. I hear the same things.. same sound waves but in latter I really let them sink in deeper emotional level and that’s why I’m moved. Often specially in company I can’t or I don’t dare to let myself really listen because… well maybe there’s this tough that it makes me vunerable because it makes me cry but actually.. it doesn’t it’s deeply empowering.. Maybe it has more to do with “normal” social behaviour and how people tend to react on crying. ANd it’s great to be with someone or someones that you trust that they don’t get uncomfortable and you can really listen and really let yourself feel and be in the music as full as you are. But there’s not so many people I’m comfortable enough to do this, but maybe I should start to give people more credit.

So my father got himself a new toy, which mean I got a new toy. It’s nice, it’s noce from him also.
Now I can do internet stuff in my travelling too if I want (like

The promise I gave was fullfilled today. Mirva cut my hair and I’m so very thankfull for her. It would have been so different thing to go some barber who I don’t know and who doesn’t know than to have it made by a dear friend with whom I have shared (and am sharing) such an important part of my life, dancing CI.

Talking about Mirva and CI I was in her last class in Kiev (didn’t make there untill the second day after her class) and it was the first class maybe in 3 or 4 years at least when somebody is teaching some technically really advanced material. And don’t think this in a wrong way, advanced isn’t really a thing as such. Most of advanced stuff is always just basic but with different depth. Butthis stuff she gave on counterbalances was really difficult. And if you do it “wrong” it’s quite easy, but to do it right like she showed you have to be so aware of your center, mass, support and directions that it’s just not an easy thing to do. She’s really great teacher.

I don’t really know what else. I’m wondering how I will live with my new hair. One dear friend of mine told that hair carry a lot of our past in them, and if you want to change something in you or your life cutting hair might help. I do want a change, but like always I want a fairytale change, let’s see will it happen.
Some changes are for worse…. but I don’t know how to write about this so I won’t. Just that one more reminder that there is always real people behind the tabloid news.
My life is good, DO I appreciate it enough?

But people are different I have couple of friends who are like me, that they’re mostly complaining about things. More often, if not seeing just the negative side, at least stating it out. Eventhough in my eyes their life is in many ways so easy. But in them I se myself. I’m like that to, my life is so easy, that’s why I have all this time to complain in the first place…

Soon, maybe I’ll try to do some songs… next week I think. just something raw… easy uncomplicated. Same chords, same notes, over and over again.

You are free.

same chords

sun tree again
I have this thing with… D tune. se E down tuned to D and then just letting it ring with A and maybe pressing the actual D on fourth so adding F#.. and sliding it into G… so D-A-F#->D-A-G… then taking the two strings up… so having F#-C#-F#->F#-C#-G….I’m really bad at remembering the notes.. But most of my songs seem to base this same thing… And you can have countless of variations that might sound quite the same to some one else’s ears but to me they all seem to be rather unique.. No, I tell a lie, but I just enjoy those notes so much… that transition that ever since after “million miles” they just keep appearing again and again…
I can’t even count in how many songs…

Got some more Mono. Lot of you might know better but it seems that new york soundtracks is remixes from one more step and you die, well you also might know that since both of them were sol out on vinyl long time ago temporary residence took new pressing and packed them into one sleeve. And oh how nice they look.. clear with black haze… but anyway I seem to like more of the new york than the originals…
Then again the “new” Hymn to the immortal wind doesn’t get me so excited… it’s somehow too big at the moment.. too symphony.. too movie like… but maybe I’ll grow into it.
Drift’s noumena sounds like Drift so it’s good, which is good…

Eluviums vinyl pack Life through bombardment is a beaut’ music if great too but that I know already…
Kodiak sounds good. Doesn’t reallly hit me in the head but passes the time at the moment… and it might hit me later on, It has potential to it.
Mihai Edrisch is kinda good… I’m not so into the vocals, but otherwise the music kicks ass.
Both Kodiak and Mihai on colored vinyl of course… Kodiak on nice cold blue, Mihai on orange with black haze. Beautiful things.

I probably have wrote about this aleady but nevermind. Stars of The Lid’s And their refinement decline is sooo great… it builds up slowly on you, and before you know you realise that what you’re hearing is one of the most beautiful things you can hear upon this earth and thus in an everpresence of god.
Well, we are in an everprecence of god all the time of course but we realize it hardly often enough.
And for some reason I want to mention that there is a lot of music like that. But it doesn’t make this or any of it less valuable.
So thanks to this I just got Tired sounds and Ballasted orchestra maybe they also start to open up on vinyl…

Otherwise life is going as it goes. I’m cutting of my hair, but I’m not because it’s Mirva who’s going to do it and she will return on tuesday so I have still some days with these long things.
I wasnt to dance a bit more yes please.
And today I was almost given a promise of raw birthday cake, which I hope I will have. We’ll see how it goes.
I try not to hope to not to dissapoint.

Saw a movie today “slumdog millionaire”. Very entertaining… I want to life like that but without all the troubles though, and with the fairytale ending… thanks.

And Jutta left her computer to me to play for a day… I want one too.. when on earth is apple going to release new macbooks?
Tomorrow I have to test how well does it work with podX3… will it work, because my iMac doesn’t but this is so old this thing I am writing with.

Life seems to be a mess. I shouldn’t worry too much…
Like. I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of living and that’s sad. Live goddamnit.
So how should I be living then?
Free the dream.

lost in moments

Everything ends eventually and so it should be.

Festival was great. We did a good job, although some minor things we could have done better, but so it is always.
Point of views.
I was happy to see so many dear people and some specially dear people and to see them happy. I felt happy too and feel still happy, and slightly sad, but in a good way.

Back to working life today, and it was good too. It’s nice to go to work where you want to go.

Jerome had send me Nadja’s Corrasion (+ other stuff) and it looks and sounds great. Of course.
Blue vinyl, ah.

There was again some thoughs that I should have written down, but I didn’t and I’m not sure can I recollect them now. Something about dancing, and love, and war, and communication.
To think world would change if everybody would dance CI is.. well true, but would it change for better and how much? I’m not so sure. I’m quite sure we would still have wars and fights and whatnot.
However dancing is great so it could help if everyone tried it.

But to think… I can be open when I’m dancing, but I’m not an open person. I keep myself to myself, often. Like in here. I tell a lie, but ask anybody. To make assumptions about anyone for what ever reason and not to recognize those to be Just assumptions, is stupid. Nevertheless I do it all the time.
So please tell me who you are and what do you want. And yet again we fall into the question of identity.

When I dance who am I? dance is dance, I’m not dancing the dance, dance is dancing me. When it’s good. Ilona was saying the same (I think) but at the time I though of something else. I think the problem I mostly fall with language is that the concept of I is totally wrong. It is me who is dancing all the time. And it is (I am) aware, It (I) does what it’s have to, no more no less, but it’s (I’m) beyond the questions of good/evil right/wrong life/death. And maybe for a human being that is not such a common state. Although it can be achieved, for me often with the help(?) of art.

Ok, let’s leave philosophy aside.

I might have done mistake today. I changed my phone operator deal and ordered a new phone. I really need one, since my old is broken and hardly working (sometimes people on the other end hear me, sometimes not), but I’m not sure was this a good deal or not. Let’s see. It’s always problematic when you’re “stuck” with something for 2 years. Well, let’s see how does it go. After all, it’s only money, I just “lost” 230€ because not being able to use the flight tickets I had on wednesday to barcelona. But I have rehearsals, and I want to be here, not in barcelona. Just couldn’t change the dates with reasonable price. So it goes.

Next summer looks full, but we are not there yet.

Enough for…

shells shells shells

Long time of no writing. No feeling to do it.
But there has been a lot going on somewhere I’m sure. Nothing here except on some level.

This meeting we ahd with the start of annoyance: Who’s annoying you.
I keep my filters/shell on not to annoy you even more? No I don’t know is that the answer.
I keep my filters/shell on because I’m afraid? No I don’t know is that the answer.
How do you know you’re afraid?

I’ve been so dissapointed to so many things. Mainly to myself and not being able to see way clear through. So much of what I just don’t know about myself or are not clear/certain of. Certaintity is a trap anyway.

And new music flooding in, Something that keeps me sane… or alive I think.
Well it’s not the only thing.
I should write more about September Malevolence‘s After this darkness, There’s a next and maybe I will. There’s is a great reason why it’s in top 08. And again great reminder why the genre of music isn’t important. They’re using so much typical “post-rock” sounds and arrangements, but the songs are brilliant unlike so many other “post-rock” act. And I don’t know where sweden get’s all it’s singers. SM’s singer could be from logh almost.. but adding vocals is good. specially because also their lyrics are, if not all, some really good. This album also helped me to get some of the sadness out I have stored in me. So what I do. I get the cd version of it too.

Helms Alee was a positive surprise, but you can read more from Aversion Online if you want a review. But I like it a lot.

Mouth Of Architect/Kenoma split is well.. MOA’s side is brilliant, it’s catchier than their new album I think, now.

Then there’s a plenty of stuff from electro side of things that I found from staalplaat when visiting berlin. One of my favourites is although buddha machine II. After getting it I had to get the first version also. But also from that you can read plenty just searching if you want. But it’s brilliant. I even ordered for my ipod touch which I don’t have! I’m just so sure I’ll get one and what would be better first aplication to install than BuddhaMachine.

So what about buddhism or Zen. yeah I’m onto it. After coming to the same conclusion about the “self” by rational thinking while being on a trip all of this has been very amusing for me. The proble with rationality is that it has very few connection to actual life. We think it is connected, but mainly most of us are still moved by emotions, urges, needs, wants, instincts. It’s ok. I know I need dicipline.

I have this huge project going on of getting all of my cd’s onto a hard drive. With iMac that reads about 3x speed one cd it will take ages.
One reason why I’ve been listening mainly vinyl lately.

Once upon the time dEUS was great. But all things pass. Well no, they might still be great, but their studio efforts haven’t been so. And this is of course, like everything, just my humble subjective perception.

Reading Endymion and the last sequel by Dan Simmons. It’s soap but keeps me entertained.

Top 2008

I’ll do this even though shorter this time. These are Not in order, of any kind.

Capsule – Blue
Just brilliant. HC, melodies, energy, intensity, atmosphere.

Black Boned Angel & Nadja – Christ Send Light
So good. Makes me somehow happy and willing to give everything away because realisizing I have nothing and I’ll never have. This feels good.

Nadja – Bungled and Botched
After hearing Desire in uneasiness I as slightly worried, It didn’t really work for me, but after this my worries were blown away. Name song is such a massive construction of quality.

Nadja – Touched (vinyl)
Nadja – Radiance of shadows (vinyl)
Nadja – Truth Becomes Death (vinyl)

It’s just that releasing these on vinyl is such a right thing to do.

Tokyo Police Club – Elephant Shell
I wrote about more of this earlier

Nice to have them back.

Virus – Black Flux
Nothing sounds like this? Does it? it’s so clear continuation for Carheart, it’s great. Where the hell else you can hear such a waves in the music? And who else can make a line “peacocks used to walk these lawns” so threatning filled with loss.

Motorpsycho – little lucid moments
Two first song are tremendously brilliant rock.

Spoon – Gagagagaga (2007)
07 release but I found it on 08. Made my summer so much better with “Finer Feelings” and “Don’t You Evah”

September Malevolence – after this darkness, there is next
Such a huge step from the debut. Melancholic and moody. Beautiful as hell.

Audrey – The fierce and the longing
Beginning of summer, Good. “Way your sking fits so well”

Ihsahn – angL
I’ve been having troubles with falling out from metal scene so totally, so hard to find anythign worth while and there’s so much that I don’t know where to start. This was a pleasant “find”.

Andrey Kiritchenko – Misterrious
Already Andrey’s previous one for Spekk was brilliant. THis continues in the same vein. I like it.

Bon Iver – For Emma, forever ago
Damn this grew on me. In all of the sadness or melancholy it’s just makes me feel happy that there is someone(s) who can and make music this good.

Ringing in my ears

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