Well, today is a bit more difficult.
But enjoyed the sea even if didn’t swim, and company as well.

played guitar. recorded this.
Why bother to cencor.


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A Place


Well. New post. I had a great experience in MTP when we were supposed to start cleaning but instead we started singing song. and then someone put guitar in my hand and I sang a song. and people liked it (Of course all of them are my friends more or less, but still). Maybe I put that song over here too if Katya send me the video.

Anyway. Now in cagliari, on the livingroom there was couple of guitars so I picked one.
Don’t listen to the words, there is none.

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Lot of spare time


Title loaned from Elbows Any Day Now

Mind the Point was great.
Sucha learning process. Quite a few thoughts, running through the same courses as before. Trying to refine..
So in many ways as a happening for myself MTP was not perfect and because of that it was perfect. Again I know so much more how and what I would like things to go. Having meaningfull and meaningless discussions. Understanding how depth and shallow are just the same thing, and they are sometimes not distinquishable.

Movementwise I feel I’m in strange place,have been already from may onwards I think. Something keeps shifting all the time. I was talking with Ilona, we have dance about once a month or so, and every dance seems to be somehow different. Of course always dance’s are different, but that my patterns and qualities keep changing all the time. THe annoying thing is that I don’t feel I’m in control of this, and as a dancer I should be. Well, this is mainly only for CI, when I’m doing solo, I can decide much more it feels.

Back to MTP, well I’m happy it happened and I really feel we should continue as a group with the same topic next time, and maybe it happens already in december in israel.

So for a while been busy.

Today I’ll fly to Sardegna to have 2 days off (and hopefully warm, Paris is freezing) and then workshop. Teaching is great. I notice that more and more I would like to combine the “philosophy” in it. Because there’s so much in CI that you can see straight in life. Also is nice to see new place and new and familiar people. Maybe I find the cappucino machine over there. although I have no space in my pack.

I heard Marko might get me a working bike straight away when I get back. Now, that is good news, I hope it happens. Then again I hope that I’ll not stay in helsinki for too long straight away.

Ok I’m drifting off… and soon through Paris to the plane.

In a way

Otra Vez yo tengo no idea que habla…
Oh my spanish..

So no idea.
CIP is over, Flow is beginning.
Relationships are funny and somewhat hard if either one is not comitted to it.
What is to commit.
Relating got some behavious from totally unrelated person which is really annoying.
In a long time I haven’t felt that there would have been someone who intentionally wants to harm my well being, but now yes… Oh well…
Why to care?

So roasting coffee didn’t work.
Now I return to finland it seems.
Then there is mind the point in Paris, which I hope and feel will be really good.
And after that I was invited to Italy, but money is uncertain which makes me uncertain.
But I have feeling to go to italy.
Then there is few weeks before Israel and then it’s bloody xmas… so… stable…
But after, I’ll stay foot. one place or at elast a way to pay the base.
playing more guitar and trying to make music… that’s my plan. but then the work and money, oh well.

And relationship. no, I don’t want to commnet that now.

Dancing has been great, very different.
Intensive of Daniel Lepkoff was quite nice, had some ideas by misundestanding his words. More and more thinking performing, making piece by piece but how I make the living?

By writing by talking by teaching?

loops of feedback feedback looping…

reading books, will tell later… now I think it’s time for us to go… been sitting for too long. and others of the aprty are getting anxious.

Take care, offer me a job…
I can do everything, and somethings with quality, but it seems I’m not able to create my own work…
I need collaborations.



So imagine this, I’m writing Again.

I though I had something.. wait…
Music is leaving behind, I’m unhappy but right now I have no resources for it. Althoguh it’s not leaving behind in my head, so now worries.

Got some mail… well thinking again about intimacy and why it seems to be so hard. Well it is hard.
Meating people is easy, but for me it’s rather difficult.. I don’t know why it feels so unnatural or difficult to go and introduce myself… To do it fluently I feel I need to put on somekind of mask… a play.. somehow.. well, at elast at the moment it’s like this.

So to stay working here (if there is a work) means quite little money and the first month without nothing… and then finding a moto and house and so on and so on… But then again I’m interested of the job. TO go to finland means totally open everything but theer is more friends parents and networks and jobs for sure but then again not so certain that the jobs are nice ones.
Anyway, I don’t have to worry much about it yet since they will have meeting tomorrow and then they know what they want and then I can decide what I want…
Anyway it looks like I should rob a bank (again)

Oh like I mentioned before I’ve been drawing with brush and ink… straight link to some is this. you can find more, I have taken picture and posted about every page I’ve done…

Art, what the hell is art.
Life, what the ehll is life.
Hilarious isn’t it?

Good Job offers! please send them to me…

Looking for flights again… oijoijoi… bank, robbed.

I’ve been in slight ache for a long time… I don’t do enough… or I’m getting old and now i really need to start do things.

Same old.

heatwaves and seashores


So now…
After novosibirsk Altay and freiburg and now back in ibiza.
I’m waiting to hear something about coffee, maybe I’ll stay here, who the hell knows.
Heard my friend working with 11€/hour on massage and I can’t really understand that.
If that is finalnd I stay here, but really, who the hell knows.

In Altay there was lovely people.
In freiburg there was ovely people.
In ibiza there is lovely people.

What am I writing about?
Well… I finished song of fire and ice… the fifth book. Now I’m among those waiting for the 2 last ones.

In altay I tried to read Giorgo Agamben in english. Somehting about how sovereign who is making the law is always outside and inside the law…
All of that is about language as an own entity…
I don’t really get it, but it provokes some though patterns so I’m rather happy about it.
Also finished What is a Man by Mark Twain, sounds pretty sound to me.

Been drawing a lot with brush, thanks to Sasha and Peter for further inspiration.
You can find a huge bunch of pictures in sinewaved if you’re interested.
The drawings Peter made in freiburg were awesome (I don’t have pictures of those, only my own scriblings),you can really se that he is a viual artist.

3 festivals starting, I can go to all of them but I think it will be too much.
So maybe I only go to intensive and food on the first one and try to move out of there somehow. questions questions.

Today we went to swim and it didn’t help at all, actually I felt worst after since all of the salt. It’s oh so hot and sea is oh so warm. But I’m just telling, not complaining because there is water to drink and food to eat. heat is just heat and with shelter somehow easier than cold.


met Jules in Freiburg and I got kinda interested again in loopers and whatnots. Specially since the jam music didn’t really work for me (Jules wasn’t playing, when he was, in teachers meet, it did work), But when this would happen, I do not know.

Anyway, if I stay here, I need to figure out what to bring and what to leave.
If I don’t… well, easier easier…

Missing some people.. we are so spread out this little family… but families are.
Soon meeting again a lot of lovely persons, and some not so lovely ones, as always. You can’t like everyone.

Mogwai playing in my head but not my headphones. Scott Walker playing on my headphones.

I’ll go now.

Thrones and dominions

Darn darn darn.

Again I had so many things in my mind what to write about and then when I’m finally here, front of the machine and online connection and time I have empty.

No not empty but not what I wanted to write about.

Mundane things.
Ink is great. and books, and trying to write with brushes. I can’t very well. I would be into calligraphy if I would have the patience. I might not.

Coffee is great. I keep little hopes livin that I would be working around coffee. I notice that I don’t let myself to hope too much. Dissapointments. But why not to hope. Just letting it be easy even if it doesn’t happen.

Ah about thinking.
I’ve been thinking. Some day I wrote that if I would get one € everytime I hear “you think too much” I wouldn’t be massivly rich, but not as poor either.
All the time I read and hear about how this world is too mental, how people THINK too much. Fuck no, most of us (myself included) do not THINK too much, what we do is that we follow normal mental (and possibly verbal) patterns. Most of us are not thinking, and definetly in this world there is not much THINKING happening, come on, look at the news. You honestly believe that thinking caused all of this. If even half of the oil company leaders would have THINKED, or pro-nuclearpower whatnot’s, or politician. if god forbid they would really THINK this world wouldn’t be such a mess, it would be mess nevertheless, but just a slightly it different mess. There is not much THINKING around here, just greed and fear and ignorance. And all of you who go on about heart this and emotions and feelign and whatnot… this world is driven into this mess because of heart and emotions and feelings. Politicians and goverments have disguised the stuff into “thinking” and being “resonable”, but the disguise is quite shallow and easy to see through. Most of scientific studies tell the same. But there in lies a challenge. Next time when the elections hit the fan, try to THINK and really make concious decision by reason, NOT by your emotions. I’ll bet you’ll be failing hopelessly. Most of the stuff we call reason, or reasoning is meaningless nonsense with which we try to tell ourselves who we are…
I am nothing at all, and everything at all. Thus I am not. Yet who the hell keeps pushing these keys…
It’s and endless loop with no sense and no reason and there is, there truly is no way out except to blow the whole thing up, and you know what? I can’t do it. It’s sheer luck of accident if it comes up. And evetually it will come up, maybe in a form of accident. So why are we so afraid of death.

How long can I go without my pleasures. just with minimum of living.

I see this old babushka outside, hand out. She keeps on living, so why do I question mine? Because I think too much you see, just live… Just kill. All morals or ethics are useless… but bad is still bad.. we are always hanged up, by good and evil.

Ah I read a bit of interesting short story by mark twain where old man argues to young man that man is a machine. and it resonated a lot with stuff that UG was babbling about. It resonates also a lot of stuff what certain leftwingers (I might be wrong on this, I’m getting utterly confused with any political ethics) that everything is the fault of the system, and man is driven to crime. Well. Might be the case might not. Steve Harrins is writing in his book Free Will that we have no free will. I haven’t read that through yet either (although the Mark Twain I stopped because it wasn’t mine and I neede to return the book to it’s owner) but he is arguing something about criminal cases that can we really blame them, well, if not then we can also not to blame them because as far as they didn’t have free will to NOT to do the crimes we don’t have free will to NOT to condemn them. (I’m sure that Harris understands this and it’s not his point, like I said I haven’t finished the book, you, go read it). Anyway, book is full of interesting scientific studies how the decision of me writing this word is made already 4 seconds (or something) before I actually no, wait… write it. so even my trying to change it, it’s also been seen seconds before in my brainwaves. Amazing isn’t it? Truly amazing. Soon we all be controlled and no one ever never do crimes again, but who watches the watchmen?

Heard happy news from my friend, made me happy.

Been readin a lot of Song of Ice and Fire, now days mainly referred with the name of the first book Game of Thrones. It’s cathcy. I remeber that Marko went on about the book years ago, but no, I need HBO series to get into it. BTW at least the first season is very loyal to the book. The next ones I don’t know because I haven’t seen them. In ibiza I read a lot since I had not much else to do. I like ibiza though.
Now it was super to come to Novosibirsk and walk in the nature and swim in the lake (that they call sea) it’s reminds so much of Finnish summer that it’s somehow pleasant and beautiful. Although here it has been without the rains. Way too dry I hear. In Finland way too wet I hear.

Anyway, just today changed the ticket to stay here one more day. I don’t really THINK and pay attention enough you see. Times dates flight which way the earth revolves. Oh well. Maybe I’ll get a nice job in ibiza. After dancing so little for so long time again I should start to work on myself and movement… and even teach it. It will be fun, partly, mainly.

Ok.. I’m sure there was something else, original, interesting, politically meaningfull, but, I just can’t remember it now…


Long time no hear.

After all of the sadness, or what not.
People are fake, I know.

For a long time I though that I don’t sense, that it is me who is not seeing. And now I notice that it is me who is and who was always seeing.

Being aware, but awareness is nothing.
All things always boil down to nothing,
and everything.
So in many ways there’s not really much to talk or write about is there.

Been teaching CI, we wonder what is Ci, they wonder, we wonder together, I know what it is, but only to me, I can’t claim any right over the word, it is just a word, so why do you need to use it, because, fo those who know not, it might give a taste. Why we use genres in music, the genre doesn’t tell is it good or bad music, but if you haven’t heard it might give you an idea. Problem is that the idea might be wrong. Try to sell me a good coutry (music), don’t call it a country, and you will succeed uch better, because my idea of a country is not so good. Music might be good nevertheless, no matter what label is being put on to it.
So what kind of label is CI? what does it tell me? It doesn’t, eventually someone saying that they’re dancing CI doesn’t tell me anything at all. A dance might tell me something, but only about movement, it doesn’t tell me anything about the person, it doesn’t tell do I like him or not, do we share worldviews or not, it does not tell me anything, where as communism or liberalism might, but now our world and views are so splintered that even those labels don’t really tell anything, they need to be redefiened and redefined smaller and smaller pieces and if we go small enough pieces we might see what the actual person is thinking or believeng or at least what the person is wanting to think or believe. (funny thing isn’t it. We tell so many stories what we are because we want to be something or we are afraid to be something. I call you fake) It is so hard to open our eyes. I haven’t opened mine, not even a bit. And at times I even wonder is it possible, but then who gave me the idea of open eyes if it would not be possible. “everything possible to be believed is an image of truth” said William Blake. But those we’re his words, not the truth.

There’s so much that I can do that there is nothing I can do. There is so much I could do that there is nothing that I could do.

Time ago, I was ending performance saying that I can only be me. And after it, I was told but there is so many yous, so you can choose. Because there is no me there is me, because I can be anybody I can only be me. It’s plain and simple. The same person who keeps telling me how you can choose to be what ever is the one who can only go by her feelings, and if not she’s “forcing” something. She doesn’t have a choice. But to others she tells that they have a choice.
Aren’t teachers always like that. Maybe this is the reason I am a teacher and not truly succeeding in it. Or am I? what is succeeding?
Who defined it and how do I define it.
I like the sound of my own voice.

I somewhat tired of people who talk how mental or “in their” heads people are. Often they are in their heads to make the definition in the first place. Most people are not in their head, their not in their body they do not think too much they hardly think at all.
Look around the news, you feel that world is like this because people actually Think? now, think again and feel then, where is your feeling coming from. What did you buy today?

I have these thoughts or feelings of giving up everything, and then, what would I give up. I have nothing. Such a relief, it should be, but i rarely feel it.
There are moments I do.

Mirva is teaching in the next room, and I’m writing. Why is it that I am here and not there. I do not know.

Sam Harris is writing that there is no free will. He might be right but our not having it will not change much, we will still condemn the murderers because we don’t have a choice you see. So at this point (I haven’t read the whole book yet) I am not sure what is the point of writing the book, but then, he didn’t really have a choice did he. Ah, all of this is phantastically funny. Because it always comes back to the question what is it that is. What is me, what makes that person that person and if I could be someone else or in someone else shoes(skin, brain, childhood) how would I know that it is me and not the other. Is there some part of “true me” that would be transmittable. I think we should read more William Gibson and see when we actually can transfer a person into the network, without a body. A body, the body.

How everyminor cut changes the who I am. If I am not this body and not these thoughts, not these chemical reactions, what is there? There must be something because I am so afraid to die, but if that something continues onwards and that is the “me” why would I be afraid to die? People who believe in reincarnation (or incarnation) should not be afraid of death. People who believe in heaven should not be afraid of death (unless they believe in hell as well and believe to go there). And if I believe nothing why I should be afraid to die. So why most of us is afraid to die? What is the part that is afraid, if it’s not me? it cannot be life, because life never ends (depends of definiton of life of course, we can use word energy instead of life). If life is conscious energy, then what is conciousness wthout energy. And if so, how do you justify killing plants and animals but not humans? our morals are always on very weak base when going into talking.
Do you know what is right and what is wrong? do you really know it, feel it. Like I wrote long time ago, knowledge is never the verbal representatio of it, it is it, that is represented. but it can never be truly touched. just like life.
So I give up.
and after I notice that I haven’t.
And I give up.
When comes the time that there is no one to give up.
If already I know that there is nothing to give up.

The fact that there is buddhism is the clearest evidence that gautama failed, but then, he would have need to have an aim. or a goal. Did Jesus really care what would happen after? OR gautama for that matter. Even more valid question if mister gautamas claims were true, then he should have known exactly what are the consequences of his merry little teachings. And yes, same goes for Jesus and god almighty.

I know.
We knew.
nothing at all.
Everything, shining,
even the night.


Pic from the wall in St Getrudis, ibiza.

In Odessa.
Somehow might be difficult. Relationships.
But I’m clear. What happens happens.

Lovely place shamtambala, and lovely people. Specially yesterday we talked a lot with Grisha.
Mainly on these days when she’s been at crimea quest I’ve been watching Big Bang Theory. I enjoy it.
Other one that I watched with her is Parks and Recreation, good as well.

Days have been sunny, but today is cloudy and cold. Cold.

She is coming tomorrow and maybe nothing changes.

In all honesty nothing much has changed in my life when I look back all these years I’ve written this. Places change, people change, but my patterns stay the same. Although now, I’ve noticed that maybe some of them are slowly changing as well… Actually my patterns have changed all the time, not drastically but little enough.

Yesterday got a string on a guitar, played a little. Dicipline.

Watched appleseed, anime, entertaining, but bit silly and subs were not up the date.

Why i write?
I do not know.

Something that I said yesterday and have said before. You see, even though we are so clearly individuals it’s so difficult to realise that. But everything is individual. That’s why nothing is holy but everything is precious. Because this computer is just a thing, so old I would like to replace it with new thing, yet, it is this computer, it’s not some other. It precious. Maybe someone can make a copy, so that you could not know the difference, but there is a difference. And then when we talk about living things. A pine is a pine, it’s just like all the other pines around it, yet, it is that pine, none other, it might seem as replaceable but it is not, it is what it is, nothing else, nothing can replace it. If it’s used by some action, maybe some other can replace it in this action. But it can’t replace it, as such.
Again this is what Giorgio Agamben writes in this book (read it) I’ve mentioned so many times.
Nothing is replaceable.

We think that there is choices, chances, possibilities. And in a way there is, but, all of them are imaginary. I got this from Katja’s and Asaf class on ibiza spring jam. We were walking in curves, and then Asaf asked us to imagine the straight line that we could walk, but we stay walking in curves. Exactly. The straight line is imaginary, in time and in space, I can always think that I had a choice to walk the straight line and thus I would be in a different space on this time, but it is still imaginary. I am where I am, and I can’t know where I will be until I am there. At the same time this imaginary chance, or other, makes my choice and my place clearer, I am here,I am not there, I am here because, I’m not there because.
On one discussion my friend was talking about models of life, you know, family vs, travelling steady job vs. little bit everything etc. We can think that IF I would have chosen that it would lead me to this “model” but the models are imaginary. We can take 4 middle class family with 2 children and look at their daily life for a while, yes there probably is lot of similarities, but it is not the same, similarities doesn’t make it the same. It’s our lack of concentration and detail and a need to “grasp it” that makes them the same. And actually if we look little further, all human life is pretty much the same. Yet, everything is individual. No one else is here right now, countryside close to Odessa, in a cool little room writing this text on a computer that lies on a yellow bag. It is singularity. Single moment in time and space. It exist because all the others exists. It is the same moment, it is the same space. How do you divide the space?

Yet, I keep comparing me, the abstract me (dancer, male, old, finnish, whatnot) to all other adjectives I see other peple having and I am not understanding that I have no other choice except to be this individual right here. I’m not sure about the future, but future is imaginary as the past. I have no other choice right now, yet I have choice everytime. To write, to stop writing, to close the lid, to go out, to think, to… yet, I am writing.
“thinking” about this makes my head hurt, slightly.

In Kiev festival, I was in Yaniv’s class almost sleeping (lovely class btw, I took some stuff from there) and feeling frustrated because I can see the flower, just like now, I can see it, it’s so close, I feel the closeness of it, but I can’t really feel it. Not yet.I can’t actualise it.

Yesterday, or was it the day before, sitting, I felt my heart beat so strong. Sometimes really going through the whole of me.
I am alive, living is me, but I can’t actualise it.
Or maybe I can, I love poetry, and music and arts. Because they can actualise it.

Sometimes when I really just watch something, anything, all things stop, but it can’t go on for long, my eyes get tired, sleepy. Something is trying to stop something. Give up.

No body

Well, I’m not sure what to write now either.

Being dealing a lot with wordpress but not really getting anywhere.
Just setting up blog like hell… well, sorry, not blogs but websites.
Lot of work still to do, but I need to first figure out things with other people.

Been taking pictures a lot… Wait when was the last time I wrote something?
Just checked.

So Ibiza time was cold, very cold. It can be warm on the outside but the houses are still cold cold cold.
The spring jam was nice but I’m maybe getting over dosage of festivals. Let’s see how the kiev goes now.
After Spring Jam we had a little meeting with a certain group of people and that was really great. I hope we continue. Actually I’m very happy our little group process and the fact that it really seems to be continuing.
Had some difficulties with the relationship, we don’t really understand each others so easily. But once that was sorted out of the way, all was fine.

Malaga was great. Mainly because of workshop organisator Virginia, her husband and their dog. Lovely couple, lovely people. I’m very greatful that we had to change to be with them, and greatful to Virgiia that she organised my workshop (that I actually got payed for) I was all the time thinking that it’ll be my last workshop, but really. Who knows.

On my way in Malaga and in kiev was reading some short text about buddhism and meditation. It’s interesting how I’m drawn to prayer flags and mahakala’s but at the same time I think tibetan buddhism has often taken a really wrong turns. But then again so has zen. So maybe I should read some text over there (from zen I’ve only read a bit of Dogen)

Reading “more” Ug Krishnamurti. More because the books have a lot of repetation to each others. But he was an interesting guy. But maybe I try to get my favourite quotes later.

So now in Kiev. Don’t know what to do what to do. But I think that’s always my problem.
Have set up site for massage and Holistic Personal Training

Today I’ve been listening music from denovali records and it’s annoying because there’s a lot of stuff that sounds nice, good, but is it really great? I do not know. oijoi. Yes yes, same repetation: good work, good pay, good home.

What I’m really happy about is my friends. It’s so nice to know that we’ll be close to Monika and Mattias and hpefully Sebastian. And most porbably I’ll meet Katja several times more this summer (well, 3 but that’s a lot). Great people. All around. Thank You.

No politicts this time.

Not even

I have no idea what to write.

Went to Brighton to do a wrokshop.
Became sick, did the workshop with Caroline.
Just enough people to almost cover my travel expenses.
Ahha. But it was nice to have Sveta there, even me being sick.
And it was really nice to see Caroline since we haven’t seen for such a long time.
And thanks to people who offered house to us, specially Ian and his friends, I confess that I found rather nice music from their cd shelf. Lot of the things that I have as vinyl but it’s nice to have good copy off them.

Then we continued to freiburg and here was no people at all, ok well 2 but you can’t do a wrokshop with 2 people… I was and am really dissapointed specially since I was and am really into the topic of this workshop that didn’t happen, so maybe I do it later.

Suggested to Monika to do a intensive in ibiza with Katya, since they asked Noora, Panu and me but N&P couldn’t make it. But now I read that Katya is doing intensive with Asaf, well, it’s understandable since they have been planning something apparently.

All and all. For a long time I’ve been thinking that I quit and I need to find some other jobs, so maybe universum or what the hell ever is just amplifying my thoughts because certainly I do not feel appreciated as CI teacher at the moment. But there is a lot of good CI teachers in the world so be it. I just notice this bitterness in me that I don’t feel comfortable sharing my knowledge now for “free” how ever I assume and hope that this feeling will pass once I found something else to do. Oh and my darling with her new age thingies is telling me that actually sharing or passing information is my thing. Well, I suppose it is sine both of my parents are teachers of a sort. Apple doesn’t fall far and so on. Anyway… having feeling that trying to do these workshops is just not working now, but I happily do festivals since I like festivals even when they are not making money but they are making something else. So I’m quite happy to go to Kiev and Altay and freiburg and Ibiza festivals when the time comes. I’m specially happy with Altay since I’ve been there once and I really like to go there again and because I like the organisators, and of course i could and can say the same of all of those festivals.

So last few days in freiburg, and it’s a nice city, specially because Jenny got us bikes, and it’s been really nice to see Jenny because well, she’s my twinsister, we actually have the same birthday. Been “shopping” a lot, not actually getting much but just going around the shops and coffee’s

Tomorrow we should head to ibiza, which is nice, only minus thing is that we are flying with ryanair and we only got 15kg of baggage per person (+10kg handluggage) and we are pretty much on the limit. I was trying to lift it when checking online but I could only have bought another bag, and I do not have it.
In the morning we leave to frankfurt and then to hahn and then to ibiza, I hope sister Monika will pick us up.

Life rolls, today I have been feeling quite I don’t know, low, not sad and not depressed not even so much worried, but low… knowing that tomorrow we’ll travel with too heavy bags the whole day again.

Bought tickets to Kiev and decided that we’ll stay the whole may in there so actually I’m there like six weeks, If anywone reading this has a work offer for me over there, please let me know.

Work work work. what to do? At least I know that I would not like to work with childcare or autistic people for a whole time basis. Every once in a while is ok.
Thinking also dance. Can I do it by myself, without other body, would it be interesting to watch? Do I have an idea or inspiration?

Check the photograpsh on sinewaved. that is nice.

Something to know


I’m having a bad working posture again.. well writing.
Howabout a home? yes yes dear, in a moment.

After working in a rather interesting place with autistic who are also mentally handicapped I have become (at least for the moment) a supporter of prenatal screening and euthanasia.
At times I though that we are living in such an abundance since we can keep them alive.
In any other time they would be dead by now. And sometimes I felt that the life is just looking for a way to flee from them. So why do we keep someone alive who does want to eat. Why would we force feed anyone?
It was the same with my grandmother, befoer the dementia really got her there was a time she ate very little. I think she didn’t even notice it, I don’t think it was a concious choice of a person but the life in her was trying to pass on, but of coursem us relatives could just let her starve…
We are so afraid of death that we don’t let anyone to die, not even persons who want it. Of course with the clients on my workpalce it’s not so easy, because the limitations of communication I often don’t have any idea what they wanted. So I’m not saying we should kill them, but I think as a society we are going wrong somewhere. Everybody needs to stay alive, but it’s ok if they live on the gutter. adn no, I’m not saying that you should rather be dead than live on the gutter, but this society let’s people to live in gutter but it doesn’t let people to die as he or she wish… you can be in any kind of trouble, you can beg for help, and no instance will come to help until you hurt either yourself or someone else.

In Finland he goverment made a threat to take down the support for home parenting for one year, so instead of three it would be only two. I detest the whole idea. I have read quite a few “letter to editor” usually against the cut, but what surprises me is that I haven’t read a single letter from kindergarden teachers?
What the hell. the kindergardens I’ve been working have been almost always too small, too little workers etc. How the hell they are going to survive if there will be much much bigger age group of 2 years old coming in? I tell you, they won’t. Anywa all the kindergarden workers should go to strike. In south of finland you don’t live with the pay.

Soon I’m leaving to Brighton to teach and then to freiburg.
And although I really like teaching I think this is my last “tour” since I’m not really making the money… and teaching is nice, but I need to live somehow too.
And I just read the advertisement of ibiza fest and IF I understood right my friend Katja is teaching intensiv with Asaf. which is ncice, except I’m bummed because originally after sos they asked Noora, Panu and me since we teached intensive trio in SOS, but Noora and Panu can’t make it. and I suggested to do it with Katja. but I didn’t get any answer… but then. maybe Asaf and Katja have worked together somehow and they have suggested it before… Or maybe I read the whole thing wrong.
But again made me wonder, or feel that I’m, well actually my teaching is not so appreciated. But why I’m making them webpages for the entrance fee to the fest?
And then I’m invited to Altay so maybe I shouldn’t complain.

I wrote this before to somewhere. I dont remember what I wrote. something like. Life does not have identity, life is not afraid of death… ah it’s FB
“To not to be afraid of death
To not to cling on this identity
Life is never ending, to life there is no death.
Death exists to identity.
Who is keeping me alive?”
I’m keeping myself alive because I’m afraid of death.
I’m a dream, dream is keeping it self alive.

I wanted a statue of meditating dream of the endless from my love.
And then I wanted statue of meditating death of the endless from my love.
I wanted them because I love the books, but then yesterday explaining them to her I realised why I wanted them.
I am a dream meditating. Death is buddha meditating. And I am both meditating. Death of identity is…
And there is no way, no way I can ecape the identity. Because to escape it is to die.

Been thinking about morals and ethics again.
I remember “do not judge so you would not be judged”
I think many good christians have totally forgot this one.
our christianity is not based on christ and what he said but to paul ramblings, the guy who never saw jesus when he was alive so he needed to tell about the vision so he could make his right and wrongs.
When you make you right and wrongs, like I do, keep them. But do not defend your morals by god. You are a god’s picture. You do NOT need to read a book or take it from anyone else. You see, this is what is said that gautama said “be your own guiding lights” In christianity there is no trust on man, and thus no real trust on self and thus no real trust on god. Well.. I’m too one sided now. Many of my christian friends do but the weight on mercy and yes. Mercy we truly have. If you can read this, it’s mercy, not because of you reading but because you can see. such a gift that if there would be someone to pay back it could not be done you. It’s mercy, all of this, even the suffering.

repeat retreat


So now.

What I was supposed to write?

How it’s hilarious why some hetero men are so homofobic. It’s unlikely that they would be rapes (possible of course, but keep your senses), so what is the threat with someone being homosexual? None, and it’s more women for “us”. And why we want to define person only by his or her sexuality? Wierd. All of this comes up of course that we have president elections on sunday and the far more better candidate is outspokenly gay.
At the same time, it’s so wierd how all those “feminist” etc are wanting more immigrants over here. Well, why not, but if you look at the cultural differencies and how women (or homosexual btw) are treated in many places where we are taking the immigrants from, maybe the immigrants should have pretty damn good brainwashing when they come. Cultures and values are relative, but mine are the right ones.

Another little bit less serious fun is in FB and probably many other places going around the fun pictures of left and right side of brain. Left is pictures brown and dull, right rather colorful. In order to make that distinction they have had to use the left side of the brain. Whole of this culture is all the time left and right, black and white.
I’m that a lot. Totally judgemental, not allowing gray anywhere. Black or white, right or wrong.

Relativism is fine, but usuallypeople just use it to escape on ackward or difficult situations. You should know.

I’m my mothers child. collectig stuff, I just hope I can avoid ending up the house full of stuff like she.
Well maybe vinyls, and cd and music…
And I have had a lot of music lately, so much that I don’t even know where to start.
So should I start at all?
Maybe not.

Going same old rounds. same old rounds, but with slight change.
SOS coming up next week.
Then a work with autistic people.
THen going off to teach, I think these will be my last workshops outside of the festivals.
Or… well… I need to get a real job, maybe then I get inspired again to teach, when I don’t need to think of the money. Money ruins everything. But also I feel that I just don’t get enough appreciation. Well, of course my ego is a bottomless hole so I don’t know what would be enough. But I think just a bit more would succeed.
In brasil I got few very nice feedbacks. So it’s not that I wouldn’t get anything.
I was really happy to teach, actually I am inspired of teaching, the act of it. But I on’t feel need to do it so much. Like, if people are not interested, why push it. maybe it would be better to find another pathways. More possibilities, like my little loved one says.

Right now I don’t have a flat or a house, it’s ok..
It will come.

Im often in a state of… not boredom but somekind of none coherence, not being able to concentrate verylong to anything… aimless, wandering aimlessly… without the actual physical wandering.

Been talking a lot with Marko about bikes. I like biking, I should get a good bike, if I would know where to get it.
I could get it easily here in helsinki/finland, but I’m not going to stay here for a long, for now. I think. who knows.

Politics are strange.. I should go in… and sort out things. But I’m too lazy to write about them, find me so we can talk.

It would be (top 2011)


Pic not being anyway connected to the topic.
Actually I don’t know what is the topic.

Let’s say, that, Talking is easy for me, for some people it’s not. And talk sometimes it’s so hard to find the words to express sensation or sensations specially when sensations can be conflicting. Since I try to teach CI I try to be good at that, but it doesn’t necessarily help because a lot of people do not relate to the words I use same way as I do, and even more importantly don’t relate the way I say the words. How ever. I need to remember this when I talk with my dear girlfriend, and maybe I understood one way for us the communicate somethings a bit more easier. MAybe not, who knows. But moods change.

Year changed. THis was the 3 new year I’m with the people I don’t really know much. But this time it was the most easiest. Maybe because she was here and I feel more easy and happy about that than last new year. Last time I was the only one not understanding the most common language used. Now there was 2 of us. I don’t know. Anyway there was some awesome musicians playing all night pretty much, some nice paella, beer, wine, dessert(s).And I enjoyed. mainly hearing people playing. I almost think I should get bit more into samba and bossanova.

So it’s again time that I would want to make the list of best musical albums of 2011, and I can’t.
I haven’t been home, even though I have listened to music, I think almost none of that has really come out on 2011
I haven’t even really gotten into Aidan’s stuff this year.
So I checked my charts since they should give a pretty good feel what I’ve been lsitening (remembering I don’t been home so no vinyl playing almost at all.

Blut Aus Nord is on top and true, hearing 777 – sects really got me into it so I listened all the previous albums as well. Don’t have any idea why I haven’t found them earlier, but good that I did now. I wonder can I still get 777 – sects on vinyl.

She Said Destroy is second. This City Speaks In Tongues was out years ago, and I have NO idea why I didn’t get it then since their previous album was one of the greatest metal albums for a long itme. but I didn’t. I got into it now. Great great stuff.

Rally is totally inherited from last year. I got them at the end of 2010.. But great great great and specially since you can get the albums for free, you should, and pay a bit too. Because the music of Rally (=SUmmen) is marvelloous.

Virus is virus olthough The Agent that Shapes the Desert haven’t really hit me so hard yet. I think it will. maybe.

The surprise is MAstodon, because it is actually their lates album that got out on 2011 that I’ve been listening to. I haven’t really gotten into the older ones although all the hype. New one has some great great songs. Really good. Yeah. Listen “octopus has no friends” makes me feel good.. the guitar thing that comes after chorus is super.

One super thing I found only this year (years late again) is Plutonium 74. Great stuff. I’m so happy I accidentally played “Radio menee Ylös” as a first song, because if I would have heard some more “traditional” reggae piece maybe I wouldn’t have gotten into it so much. I admit that the album is very uneven for me, but the fore mentioned song plus “Putoaako poikamme taivaalta” and specially “ruisleipää ja lakipykäliä” are so bloody superb that just those three justify three albums all together. Ruisleipää ja Lakipykäliä is actually one of the best songs for long time, the combination of happiness, nostalgia, melancholia, joy, reality and surreality is so so so awesome.

Next one hitting my eye on the list is Clair Cassis. Sounds like Velvet Cacoon because it is Velvet Cacoon. Best song names ever like “Antique Sea Smoke” and “Rosewater Cake“. But I like.

One Great album is Sylvain Chauveau‘s Singular Forms. I haven’t listened Chaveau before eventhough I have gotten recommendations. So I listen to it, and am wondering how he got David Sylvian to sing on his album, but then that it’s not Sylvain, but someone who sounds a lot like him and Davind Sylvian has the Voice. And then I find out that is mister Sylvain himself who is singing… My god, He needs to sing more on the albums.

I heard The Dodos from my friend Jenny. And eventhough I still haven’t listened all of their songs its mainly because I got stuck in Winter which is one of the best songs ever.

Other thing that I just found is Silversun Pickups can’t figure out why I didn’t find them earlier, but when I’m getting home I try to get them all from Ville, because Pikul is great.

I never though I would be in anywya country music, but Micah P. Hinson might change that a bit. Although if he wouldn’t have made the first song A Call to Arms such a beutiful instrumental He would never be mentioned because I would have never listened the album as far as I did.

Sinnbus has been one of my favourite labels mainly because of Torchous and Kam:As this year brough me also I might be Wrong (listen A Propos, chorus is a killer) and maybe Hundreds

There has been somuch of music that I would just easily label as “ambient” although not really ambient, so that I can’t remember all. Hey, since Stars of the Lid‘s “And Their Refinement of the Decline Haven’t been on any Top list I’ll add it here, That Album is pure Brilliance.
Other thing I would like to add just because of the last seconds of Burning Bridges Together is Twells & Christensen‘s Coasts I have listened that guitar for hours (looped it once with Traktor)

One more that I should have gotten straight away after release but for some unkown reason didn’t is Autolux‘s Transit Transit I think it’s as good as their debut, which is a lot. Hoping that Future Perfect actually was their debut.

This year I’ve been trying to find metal, good metal. Sometimes succeeding.

Murmuüre is sold out already from Paradigm records and I’m not surprised at all (I didn’t get it, but got the vinyl from Aurora Borealis). I don’t kno what to say about it. But it’s great.

Other thing which is somehow wierd to even mention is Altar of Plagues‘s Mammal because I’m not sure have I still listened the whole 4 songs but actually what happens at 8:14 on Neptune is Dead makes it already on this years list, funny enough.

Other release of Paradigms that comes to this list also mainly because the first song is Westering‘s Help a body There something in the soundworld that really works for me.

Anyway, soon I’ll be back in finland and have lot more to music to listen.. I wish I just find the place and time.
I just made my Ipod a playlist of some stuff I come up this past year that I should really catch up. Can I please somehow work with listening music?
This abudance is kind of too much. But I’m happy about it.
BTW September Malevolence AND Scraps of Tape has released new albums. Am I exited, yes a bit since SoT has always been good and SM’s previous album is absolutely amazing having a bass sound that makes me cry.

According to hippies and new age freaks this year will bring the change or starting of it. Watching the happenings in US (oocupy) Russia (demonstrations against Putin) and Arab world I can almost feel it. and I hope the change comes but does something else than in Egypt (where Fundamental islamist basically won the elections). All the Bes for all of you.

Another rainy day


In florianopolis it’s rains a lot.
When there’s sun, it’s hot an burning.
Still I like it, somehow.

Since last time I’ve done 2 workshops over here and performed. Went to Porto ALegre, done workshop over there and performance.

Sveta came here as well. Telling first that she doesn’t know does she want to be with me. Then she knew. We have a bit of the problem talking since our words are not working on the same plane. And something has changed for her and she has met people who can understand her heart without words. I can’t. Yesterday we were talking about commitment again and how I feel that we understand it differently. From the way she talks I feel that for her commitment can be broken at any time. For me it cannot. It can be broken, of course, I have done it, but if it’s commintment it can’t be broken alone. To commit is to want. So if I commit to someone, I’ll work with the other person in order to make it work. And it might be that it doesn’t work even after trying. To me commitment is a lot of the want, so when I meet other desires I still want to choose the one I’m committed to, and that is the thing that makes me alive. It seems to me that for her that makes her a bit dead, because she actually desires something else. So I asked her if she wants and open relationship and she answered that maybe she dosn’t need any relationship.

It’s so hard when I’m relating to words so much. I know that the words lie as well and that there is other levels and plane’s of communication. But.. Somehow tired again. Of course I’m questioning myself of what I want. is it really that I want a committed relationship that would last for life. There is an ideal for that in me, but is it what I really want? I still feel that the answer is yes, it just seems that it will not be so easy to find a person who would feel the same.

I talked with Alexandra few days ago. It’s nice, I like her a lot. She was telling how she feels on somethings and somehow it was nice to hear. It kinda showed me why I didn’t go to germany over a year ago. Because it seems that all of the things I was afrai of would have happened. Of course, you never know what would have happened but persons are mainly patterns so if the pattern is occurring now it’s probable that it would have occurred anyway.

And the things are still there. Status, my place in world and heirarchy. I want to get rid of it. But it’s really difficult. I don’t really value myself because I don’t know how and what to value. I have no status, no money, no home, no job, no long itme relationship, no… I’m not open, not nice, I’m heavy, and dark I’m pessimistic, I think too much, I’m too closed, I don’t get things done, I do’t have the initiative. These are the things I hear. These are also the things that I see. And if I think about status.. I don’t really think I would be happier if I would have the “normal” job and a flat and a… How knows. But I feel there’s a pressure that I should have or done these things. And for sure, if it was by the work I want to do, I would be happier. But this far Only option that I have seen to achieve that have been through the work that I don’t really want to do. So what do I want to do then?

I would like to teach. I’m not sure often what is it that I would like to teach since there is so much to learn for myself. And at the same time I have no clear interest to study. Wierd. And teaching… well. I feel that I am good in that. but often I feel that people either do not agree or they don’t value the things I’m teaching or my persona comes in between. And this far I don’t know how to keep my persona out. But like now. I was in Porto Alegre doing a workshop. I taught pretty much the basic things for me, listening to the earth through the partner and yourself, having that connection clear for all the time. Then adding different aspects or viewpoints of it, but basically everything connected to that. Then on the second day Fernanda who was organizing the workshop ask if I could teach something more advanced. And I was lost, what is more advanced? So I asked what people want to learn. And eventually I gathered that It was pretty much what I was going to teach anyway, giving your whole mass. But people want to elarn what they see, they want to learn that cool looking movement. And within CI I don’t want to teach that unless there really would be a group that has the base of the listenign to the eart through so embodied that actually tey don’t need a teacher anymore, then it would be more like a lab. So what is more advanced? I don’t know. Eventually teahing is just pointing to something. Sign post to the true knowledge that can never be verbal.

It interesting, actually most of the things that we learn is not the knowledge itself but ways to communicate about the knowledge. Like anatomy, We might know name of everybone and muscle but we need them only when we need to communicate something about them, and true, sometimes to make things clear or embody the knowledge we need to communcate about those things with ourselves. (Who is communicating with whom, how many being there is within me, which one is me)

Ok, somehow I read UG Krishnamurti above there. So if you’re interested read. He is saying that there is no new experience, because in order us to know something as an experience we need to have some earlier information where to refer to. Ok this is simplified he’s saying a lot of other stuff too, many thigns which I’m not sure do I agree on. But in a way it just brings out the relativeness of everything. and yet, sensation is ot relative, the communication of the sensation is relative, because in order to communicate the sensation it’s needs to define it and there is no other ways to define than comparisons, but the sensation itself, before it’s communicated is not relative at all? or is it? I think it’s not. But if you don’t communicate the sensation to yourself, is it still there? Of course it is. Again, nature of reality is highly interesting.

Co-incidences happening. Nothing special, just little things. I often try to find meaning in them, but I can’t see it. So I try to let go, and just notice. Co-incidence.

In BSAS I was visiting a Video dance festival and saw documentary from Anna Halprin, “Breath made Visible”. Very good, what was interesting to me in relation to CI was that she was doing some stuff with community project on sixties, that by the look of it was totally CI. But she wasn’t interested about the physics, but emotions.
Later I had a talk with Asaf and Paula and Belen and I mentioned this. Asaf told that he remember Steve saying in some conversation that to him CI was kind of a counter culture in counter culture. Because all of the emotins, community, etc were on top at the sicties and seventies, he wanted to concentrate on the physics. It’s funny, because now people are again so much talkign how CI is so “special” because it’s intimicy, touch, emotions etc. And actually, that’s the stuff people were doing long time before, and that specially is NOT the stuff the artform that became CI wanted to concentrate on. There’s nothing bad in it. just interesting for me who has always approaached CI more from the physical point of view. Rather impersonal.

I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on art level.
I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on personal level.
I wonder is there anyone who really would share the view of commitment and would want to work with that.

Good day and good luck to you all.

Onwards… upwards


TIme in BSAS is gone.
Sveta was right. Nothing happened. well not enough for me but I’m still unable to see how could I make it happen more.
But some nice performances and Nice workshop in festin and ow in last weekend. Thanks for Ciete Cielos, specially Jose, but all of them. Thanks to Gabo and Vanina.

I spent few days in Gabos place having very nice conversations with him. And few nice dances as well.

Yesterday Met Asaf, Paula and Belen. Again nice conversation.

But all and all, the same thing like last years. a real job. I feel that eventhough I do think of myself as a good dancer and teacher, other people don’t see it quite like that. At least if I’m looking the attendance rates to my classes.
So something else. I’m happy to come and teach, but I don’t want have need of making money with that. So I don’t need to take offers that don’t really please me. I really like teaching, but feeling dissapointments of the amount of people or of being rejected by festivals are taking the fun out of bit. So I shouldn’t take it too seriously.
The bad thing is that it’s the only thing that I feel I can actually do well. That I’m good in. So need to find other things that I’m good at, and which are appreciated more also around me.

Found out Murmuüre, I really like it, so it should be coming on vinyl, to me.
Lot of other things as well so now I hope santa claus will halp me also with my music addiction.

Lot of thinking of the internal processes. And how it’s so hard to let go.
And why do I choose what I choose when my choices are making me crazy at times.

Like what is my reason to organize festival with the group who working method often really sucks.
Why I can’t let go off that.
Maybe next year I will.

My life is so empty, there is so little of fillers. So it’s hard to let go off those few things. So I need to fill my life more.
question remains, with what? What am I really interested about? And what if I’m not?

Been playig more with Korg’s iKaossilator, it updated so now the exporting of the “songs” is even easier.

I’ll leave to florianopolis today.
Travelling is always stressing for me.
I’m most excited that Sveta is coming in few days. Very happy to see her and be able to be in the same physical space.

SOS is in usual turbulence. I somehow wish that peple would just inform if they’re not coming, early.
Or then next year I could (or we) really keep the deposit deadline. Now I’m being too nice.
And yesterday I made some mistakes with checing who has payed and who not, thanks to people having very similar names. Well I hope everything is ok now.
I think there’s like 40 people who haven’t payed or informed anything… Luckily I took abut 130 people in on the beginning knowing that there will be cancellations.
well in one day I’ll throw everyone out who hasn’t payed or contacted me.

Nothing much.

There is so many interesting things, but I would so much rather talk about those than write, for now.
Russia and Putin (I wait for a new “terrorist” attack, to get people fall in line behind him)
Tibetan Buddhism, buddhism and esoterical stuff.
The world change, and maya’s
Social form of contact and what other options we could have?
Hierarchy in any society or “community”, when it’s good when it’s bad.
Politics and economical “crisis”, who the hell understands it, and it was rigged already in the beginning. We cannot think in means of continuous growth because we do live in limited resources.
Islam and other religions and would it actually be possible to have a real discussion with critisism without being racist immediatly?
How can we take out “god” as an reason, from people’s heads.

So a lot. All of those discussions like my writings will not lead to anything, eventually. But it’s ok.
UG Krishnaurti is fun, although, there is some conflicting material.
I have no other way of communication than the words. Yes I do.

Mar Del Plata

“You’re anti-social mayday mayday”

Well, I get anti social when I don’t really speak the language, when I’m too tired to trying to figure out what is taled about and what the hell is happening next. And specially when I say something and no one listens.

Find out that the workshop I though was surely going to happen is not sure. Trust trust. What my fears are attracting? But I didn’t have fear about that. I though it was sure. So when it isn’t yeah, slightly bit depressed.
Heard from brasil that the workshop I’m doing is not bringing as much money as they hope. Another pleasant surprise.
Money is money but for some reason we need it. Funny enough.
Actually what it brings is the sense in independence. I can eat what I want, I can go where I want. Of course it’s a false sense because eventually everything is interdependent, but at least it gives me more choices of what am I depended on. But the BSAS workshop are not really sure yet. So they will happen. Timing is just different here.

In two weeks I’ll be in airport and going to Brasil. And then the best news that after that in few days Sveta will be there as well. Now that is super.

Yesterday Autarco was leaving and already earlier on I had asked him if it would be possible to do a workshop in rosario, but then he was going to Uruguay. Unfortenutaly he’s lower back is so sore that he decided to skip the Uruguay (NSS workshop over there) and go back to Rosario and invited me to visit. So I thoght about intentions and such and asked again about the possibility of WS. Well.. of course with his back etc etc he can’t really organise it. Ok, so I gave up.
But I’m totally lost with this intention thing. How should it be? My intention is to teach but also come by with it. Like I need to eat, and I would like to choose what I eat. If I don’t say anything, nothing seems to come to me, if I say, I try to ask and suggest to people, nothing seems to come out of that either.

So my prayer stays. Where is my place and what is the thing that I’m supposed to do? And knowing buddhists. I know that there is nothing.
“But really there is nothing”
I know. And yet it would be nice every once in a while that there would be.

Elliott Smith is playing… Great stuff.

Yes I still hope that someone would come and tel me what to do. I understand well the dictatorships. Berlusconi, Putin etc.
What I want to do? To dance to teach, but I can’t seem to find a way…
I stop searching.
Not drifting.
Not flowing.

Oh yeah… If I didn’t mention it here. some stuff is over here now. It seems that because of instagram, iphone and wordpress software for it, viewtheday is dying out… but hey, let’s give it some time still.

Anyway after all of the complaining, I’ve met some very nice people and I have had not many dances per day but all of them nice ones.

Oh and from ibiza they asked if I could halp with the web pages again. And i kinda said yes.. but I think about it a bit still, because it will be for 3 festivals and they are not apying me anything… so.. I’m not sure do I want to go all 3 festivals anyway.

Sasha from moscow is here which is nice since.. well she’s nice. I try to sell myself to teach in moscow.
And for what reason? Well… I would like to go there anyway.
And I haven’t heard anything from Katja B yet and altay… let’s see.
I applied to Freiburg festival, they will answer on december.
And I talked with jenny to do another WS in freiburg maybe in march.

I don’t know. The ebst thing now is that Sveta is coming to Brasil as well. I’ve missed her a lot…
Well I still do. But now it’s not so much time.


cycles and circles


Again I think I have lot to write and whe I come here and try to write I go blank or hesitating.

In Buenos Aires, for second week. Festin is over, had a lovely jams, classes and performances as well.
Today or tomorrow to Mar del PLata for Jamarazo, More dancing.
What is missing is my love who is in far far away.
Hoping that she will come to brasil but since neither one of us is really good on money it’s a bit unsure still.
I still haven’t won lottery and I don’t know why.

Anyway what has been interesting is again these internal processes and meeting with fear of getting cheated or left.
Last night she called me, but I didn’t hear the phone. I look at my phone 1 hour later but since we have a 5 hours difference she was already sleeping and didn’t hear the phone.
I feel my body shaking, trembling, this little shake inside even before I think of anything… the fear (and excitement) is already there.
Then I’m thinking.. what is it….
She’s coming to brasil
She’s not coming to brasil
She just wanted to hear my voice
She is leaving me.

And somehow the first though get rejected by fear of getting dissapointed if she’s not coming. The second wont make much sense because why she would call for that. The third doesn’t make so much sense either and funnily it’s the most probable one, but the fear hits get it’s teeth on the last one… And I know it would not make much sense… but somehow the cycle goes on… and I talk to few lovely people and I dance… but my physical being is affected all the time of the not knowing…
That there was somehting and I know that there is something but I don’t know what.
All these circles of fear…

And I don’t know where it really comes from.
It doesn’t come from her. It comes from me.

Finding that I don’t love myself, or at least I have a hard time to really trust and believe that someone really wants to be with me and just me. And how do I judge myself then? what should I be to be more lovable? I don’t know. But I’ve heard so many judgements around me. And they’re also true. I’m not an easy person, but will that make me less lovable?
I have a tendency to try out of those who say that they love me, do they really. Do they really also when I’m not nice and easy. And I’m not talking about romantic relationships only but also friendships.

All of this is just interesting.
All of it is related of course to jealousy.
And few people have said that I should go to therapy.. but… I doubt that. (well now days in finland I could only get private therapy anyway and that means again, money). I don’t see what therapist possibly could tell me.
And anyway… I notice myself changing. Not much, little, by little.

Because it’s true, my ideals are ideals. They cannot be achieved, and yet. I hope they can. But mainly what an’t be achieved is the certainty that the ideal can be achieved. that it is. I know that the ideal is possibility, but I can’t know will that possibility happen. What I can is to work towards that and in relationship, again, communicate clearly what are my ideals, are they common with the other, and can we both work towards that ideal.
I’ve been trying to do that. Now, it would be great if I could be adult and calm with all of this, without fear or being able to handle the fear. But.. I’m not that yet. I’m just a little better than 10 years ago. Little, but better.

It’s also one of my cycles to go somewhere, have other part of the relationship somewhere else, and then deal with all of these feelings. I’m getting better at that too… because now, I can be bit more open and enjoying what I have around me over here, eventhough she’s not here. And yet, she’s somehow here, with me, in me. And if I could trust, I would be at ease. Not yet, but getting there.

Over here, Been having few lovely performances. Been having lovely dances. Been meeting lovely people. And been used to somehow understand what is beig talked about, yet missing the most important point totally.
Somehow I feel glad that Sasha from Moscow is here and will be at Jamarazo. Also Sebastian has been nice to have here. But also the whole organization team plus other teachers have been really really great.

haven’t played much with kaossilator… somethings.
Found one realy nice (beginning of a ) song (of mine) on my computer… I hope I can get guitar on my hands sometime soon…

After Jamarazo there should be few workshops in BSAS and then I’ll go to floripa… where I won’t understand much again because of portugese I understand nothing.
But over there few workshops, and few performances and then xmas and change of a year. I just hope that Sveta can get over there.

On the back of my mind, like quite long time now, is still thoughs about home and a place to live and stay. Travelling is nice if you have home to return to, but when you don’t have home.. and just traveling.. uh.

Haven’t done much of Thai now, hope in mar del Plata I can do more. I will offer it.

At the same time I’ve been doing the registration of SOS. Festival is full. Now I’m waiting to see the cancellations.
last year there was a lot, but somehow this year I feel that there will not be so much. Some really lovely old people coming, and a lot of new ones as well. I hope Monika gets herself there.

What to write… Personal, unpersonal…

Ah.. One reason to have a home and steady job is music. From Marko I got Silversun Pickups and it’s great. I don’t know how I have missed them.

Also new stuff coming all the time… So home and time to listen would be welcome as well.

Ask me.


I have so many things on my mind what to write about, and then when I’m here, on the computer, thinking of writing, I can’t think what to write about.

I think I wrote about knowledge earlier. Information is not knowledge, it’s symbols pointing to knowledge….
But then I think about history, and what else it is than books about what supposedly happened. How you embody something that happened hundreds of years ago. Yet it is knowledge, not very practical knowledge most of the time, but it might become practical. when thinking of sociology and how societies and humans act and work.

I was studying traditional thai massage for five days, the 1st level. There it’s very clear how all the knowledge need to be embodied. In few days I’ll make the 2nd level. Well the first level was quite easy because Sveta though me the sequence last summer pretty much through out. So now I didn’t need to concentrate on remembering so much but I could go more into details. Let’s see what happens with the second level.

I applied a grant to travel to argentina and brasil to perform and teach. I got it. So I’m going to BSAS for the festin, and then at least to transpelapractica at the end beginning of january. I was supposed to go to bahia but now I heard alarming news that the festival might not happen. If it won’t, it means that I have 8 weeks in between to make things, like workshops and performances. I’ve been writing to some people to work with me, but Argentina is a bit more free than my finnish head, so nothing 100% sure. Well nothing is 100% sure anyway.
The grant was just for the travel and it didn’t even cover the flights. So I hope I can make some workshops to earn some money and also that I could do some thai.

Over here is dolphinario. Somehow sad place. I’ve never been inside, but just looking from the outside, it’s so small. And then to think how large areas dolphins travel around. It’s a bit same as putting people into prison. well it’s actually completely the same, except you go to prison because usually you have done something. You go to dolphinario because some one catched you.
I met Anski and she was talking about chickens. She spent the summer in the country side and was telling how much chickens do. go around, take baths… a lot of things and lot of space. And then to think that most of our “food” chickens and the ones making eggs are in small cages not able to move much. Human being is sucha a horrible being. Because we treat living beings as things. And I’m a horrible being, since after knowingthis I still eat chicken.

Actually after ibiza fests I’ve been eating much more meat than in long time. It started over there, because both ecite and ICF had meat on their menu.

I’ve been taking quite some pictures and putting them up to of course but also I found an easy program for wordpress updates so I started a new photoblog sinewaved. I try to keep it up for the whole of my travels. You can find it through darlingdear.

Again I’m into things. Luckily I do’t have money for them… But I found thin furons… like somehow the real ones. not the new ones. but thin, maybe 5cm matrasses filled with cotton. made in ukraine I think. supposedly cheap, but I don’t know how much flying with them would cost. And anyway. I have no home…

I’m sure there was something more, but later then.

Clouds, fading


On my way from ibiza to berlin i wrote something on some phone app… But i leave it out for now.

Since instagram is only working on phones and since flickr has 200 pic ture limit on free version i just might put up another wp blog just for pictures. How ever it will not be under but tathagatagarbha, just lile view the day (which i gaven’t updated much since starting to use instagram).

Materialism rules my world atm, want new bag (again) and more knives and loads of albums of course

Seems like i’ll be going to argentina and brasil, very soon, but more about that later.

“last trick i’ll do
Sound can be seen
This is the main title
Briefly shaking”
Anja Garbarek is brilliant.

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