:Wavetales

I didn’t believe, I couldn’t believe, I never though I would miss her so much.
After coming here, the festival straight on, lovely people lovely friends, things to do.. and somewhere there, underneath.
And then when the people are gone it reveals.

I know so many bad sides, things that I don’t like, or I have difficulties with.
And still I miss her, long for her, love her.
Feelings rarely go along with rationality. Too bad really.

You know how heartache is an actual feeling. in the heart, in the chest.

And she doesn’t write much and she doesn’t connect but when she does she says she loves me too.
Trust.
Should I find it?
But things change, like she said. So only thing that I can trust is that things change.

Yesterday we were talking about relatioships in a bar witha few friends.
And at one point about the trust…
That there would be trust that there is something so strong and deep that it survives.
That there would be open communication. We don’t feel good all times. We might hate each others, but instead of always starting to think should we brake up, or does the other one want to brake up, there would be trust. Trust in love. And if there is love, I can be weak and vurnerable as well as strong… I don’t need to cover myself or hide. If I trust.
I don’t know how can I find it, with some one. or is there anyone with whom it would be possible. But I notice that I wish I would.
But this trust can only come from being yourself, both being their selves and open, communicating. What is it that I am today.

Before all of this, life was empty. and I realised that all of the other lives are as empty.. and because they’re empty they’re also full and beautiful. But I was very sad. I also realised that there is no happy endings. I though I knew it all the time, but I really hevan’t realised it until now. There is no happy endings… until you die, maybe. You know why? because it doesn’t end… and happiness is a relative state, and it will change. There is no happy endings, but there is happiness.

In my wake dream i receive an email where she tells me that she’s coming in two weeks.

I am attached…. I long for. I need to take refuge from buddha.

During the festival and after it I was reminded how many dear friends I have, and how much I love them, and how important they are for me. It might be that we don’t see often, or even talk often, but they’re there, here. I am here, if needed.

I’m thinking of going to ibiza again… for the summer, or beginning part of it.
Give me a job from there ok. from 10th of may till 14th of july. ok? with a big pay.

Lot of music, don’t tell more, except I really like Alva Noto’s Xerrox 2 and Grisha Lichtenberger’s Treibgut.

So long now

Please do tell me

I’m some place that I call home.
I’m slightly confused.

It was lovely to go straight to jam and have a dances.

I was supposed to do serious office business (me being unemployed) today but I did nothing. Not a big surprise, I’ll do tomorrow then (ups, clock being 1:23 again-> today).

I’m slightly dissapointed eventhough I know that I shouldn’t.
I’m dissapointed of being dissapointed.

When we parted on saturday I told her that on sunday I’ll write her mail, and I’ll open up skype. From her tears I though that she would too. OF course she doesn’t. I’m not there anymore, so I’m totally invisible now. I was feeling such a tonto sitting in front of skype. But I knew this, I shouldn’t be dissapointed.

It’s nice to figure out what I am actually crying for. Lot of hte stuff is not because of the actual relatioship but the loss of hopes and dreams what it could have been. But it wasn’t, those hopesand dreams were proved futile already before. And actually now there’s again change for soem of those dreams to come true.
But hopes and dreams are always outside, and as long as I keep on looking things outside I’ll never be happy (bloody buddhist) everything is here, right now.

But still, I am dissapointed.

My father was right about the music. Today only getting cd into the machine and listening to vinyl.

Maybe tomorrow I play some guitar. Today I didn’t.

Let go of it,
let go.
I tell myself.

Katri brought me a loads of ganesha stickers. I’ve been pasting them a bit.
After all, abundance is all around me (and us)

Jussi paid a visit. I still have problem of concentration, doing too many things at the same time, but we had a nice coherent discussion about relationships even I was going back and forth from room to another.

Life is easy, but easy life isn’t.
You live and then you live somemore.

I painted my toenails again.

I better go sleep while I can.

Please do tell me

So I’m leaving.
She decided to stay.
I was surprisingly dissapointed, (about two weeks ago when it finally came clear) But it didn’t come as a surprise.

My last week in buenos aires was, well. I had a workshop and I was thinking that come on, at least ten people, no, six…. I was trying to sell my bike, and that too didn’t seem to workout that well.
I was thinking that ok, maybe I’ll never return, before I was still thinking that I might come here and try to teach a bit but the WS was such a dissapointment.

How ever things turned. Gabo called and asked for the bike, and he is organizing a lot of workshop, and he was also saying that with that publicity, at this time of the year (holidays) 6 is ok. I went to give sell him the bike and then we ended up talking for an hour, even though I was in a slight hurry, about dance and CI and workshops and art. And we already talked about 3 weeks super workshop but to do it maybe in europe…
Maybe it’s just blaa blaa blaa, but maybe it will happen, who know. Anyway I felt a bit better about the city and possibilites also in here.

However, thinking of the relationship, I think that it’s over. It wasn’t super easy, and maybe we are just a bit too different. You can never say never, but I don’t think we will be together again… But I was sad, then, two weeks ago, so now… well I’m still sad, but not so much.

I’m worried about the weight of my bag… luckily I can alwasys throw away about 2kilos of mate, but I wouldn’t like to.
I have no pesos anymore… so I don’t know.

I saw a dream where plane landed with smoke coming out of the motors almost straight away it got off ground. A bit later, Adolfo called and told that his car has broken down and he can’t take me to the airport. Remis? maybe.

Before all of this we were 10 days in the south, el bolson. Super super beautiful. I could almost live there, well I think I could live there, but I would like to see the winter. We made a four day hinking trip up to cerros (not realy a mountain but quite big) and slept in refugios. First day up to 1300 to hielo azul, next day up just 100 more to natacion which is by the lake, That place is super beatifull. Snow melting up from the cerro to a waterfall and river, it flowing to the lake an then continuing into another river. Because the distance from hielo azul to natacion was only and hour we spend a beautiful day trying to find a way to the big rocks on the shore of the lake, and finally made it there… It’s so nice to be naked in the nature, but you have to find a place where there’s no people because this is not ibiza. Next day we came down about 700 meters to el cajon… I was really tired… coming down seems to be harder than going up, but also my fivefinger shoes had something to do with it. They’re great, if you walk on the terrain with no loose little rock… but the whole downhill was full of small rocks sand and dust, and when they get into the shoe…uh, not nice. All the time stopping and taking stuff out.
NExt day we spend by the RIo Azul, in a beautiful place, where river flows into about 4-5meter deep pool. and it’s so cold and it’s so blue and it’s so beatiful. And for the most of the mornign there was no one so I could swim naked and bask in the sun (although the sun is tricky here, I feel I burn more easily than in europe?) Afternoon more people started to come and the we started to make our way back to el bolson….
How ever we missed the last bus (at 20) so we stayd in the house next to a cmaping (we didn’t bring a tent to this trip).

On another day before all of this we visited lake empujen. Cold clear, pure blue water, and we didn’t go where other people went and found our own private rock beach. Super nice.
In these surrounding I could easily live my life, but I would like to figure out a good way to build a house, I think houses are too weakly build against cold over there too.

On our way back, in a bus, there were some amazing views. Really big blue river, and I could not see anything on the other side… just hills and open space… Vow…
I was thinking that I so much would like to come again witha motorcycle and with three months time and just ride through slowly, seing stopping swimming…

It’s clear to me that I like sea, but lake’s and rivers are the ones that I really want to be around…

How do I feel?
I stress about travelling.
I stress a bit about getting back.
I’m sad about being “alone” again.
I happy that I came and saw this through.
My father told me that there’s a lot of albums there to wait me.

I have no idea what my life will be.
But soon is SOS, and I’ll dance and teach and do.
And after… I will see then.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

Back in BSAS again. Not exactly the way I hoped bt what the hell.

We went in cordoba after xmas, spend some time with lovely family in a house next to a river.
It was lovely, in a way, rivers are lovely, families as well.
Then we went to capilla del monte to change the year.
I notice that I have a habit of spending my xmas/new years with people I don’t really know so much and always ending up feel slightly wierd and/or lonely. But it’s my decision, now I just need to figure out why I choose it.

In Capilla there is this hill (1900+something high) called Uritorco, and apparently already long time ago people have seen lights and ships and what not coming from the mountain. UFO’s so called. It’s also said to be a place of energy or a high energy point in earth. THey say there’s a city of Erks (yeah, Erks) underneath the mountain and they effect your dreams and such…
It’s always interesting, since I try to keep my mind open for the experiences so that I can experience.
But… No I don’t remember much of my dreams, I didn’t see anything, I didn’t feel so much different. The hill and hills around are beautiful nevertheless. The town is quite charming as well although it also lives through tourism at this point I think (UFO’s UFO’s, more people to buy our stuff). I spend one lovely day walking to the base of Uritorco, where there is a small river making ponds every once ina while. And when you follow it long enough you get rid of most of the people because they don’t want to go so far. SO I found nice place with big stones and to pools and spend couple of hours swimming naked and basking in the sun… And of course burned my back slightly, once again. But the day was great.

So now back in BSAS. Vale is doing a workshop of rawfood, and I became sick. Today I feel much better however, and I think I don’t even have a fever anymore.

I’ve been reading a bit. Or thinking. I don’t know about this global warming thing. Weathers are changing that’s for sure, but is it warming or not? Also I don’t know about this saving a planet thing. Also I don’t know about this evolution thing. If I don’t separate myself from nature, if I don’t separate humans from nature all this creed, and the thing we are doing because it are actually evolution on to some direction. It looks like this evolutional development will come to it’s end pretty soon though, like it did with the dinosaurs. But the nature and probably even it’s diversity, will come back, although in another form. Does this mean that nothing should be done? No, somethings should be done but we should be quite aware of our motivation and reasoning behind to do it. At the same time, it seems that excatly the point of separating ourselves from the nature has caused this creed, or possibility to it. I think that has something to with judeo-christian faith and how it went over most of the europe. and then when europeans went over everything (like americas) it really went over everything. So we are able to be this dumb because we separated our selves from the nature… We know that and that’s why we’re worried, but in truth we never separated from, we cannot separate from the nature. so everything is, eventually, hunky dory.

In Capilla Vale and one other friend went to see a witch. There was somekind of idea that we are carrying our relatives and their patterns in our body. And she can help the person to acknowledge it and get rid of it. Surprisingly this makes perfect sense for me. And this is what Karma really is. To say that “i” would be born again according to how I live this life, it’s just a simplication of karma, trying to make it more easily understandable for people. Why, because most of us always think ourself first. Everything what wedo or think is karma, it affects our reality and it affects to other beings in it. My genes are carried through in my child (if I ever will have one) but my thoughs, values, ideas might be carried along within any person I meet, young or old. And the way I present those values, thoughs, ideas or do I present them through my actions and being is creating karma.
Of course, coming back to a witch, she ruined it all because there was also past lives involved… Oh, how much must we carry? Our past lives and then the relatives, and because our past lives are carrying the relatives. of them it’s a huge load… Haha, no wonder tv has such an appeal to us.

I’ve been trying to fic top 2009. Very difficult. Again it seems that most of the stuf I’ve been listening last year has released much more earlier… But let’s see maybe in a day or two.

Please do tell me

I have to tell this because it’s so hilarious.
When I came here, about a month ago, in couple of first days it rained, hard. And the roof leaked.
I actually heard that something fell onto it… or from it, or whatever. Anyway on the corner of the room it leaked. and made a small river into the room… not much, but enough to get all the electricity off the floor. After that the leaking stops. It rains everyonece and a while, but the roof doesn’t leak. It rains really really hard, but the roof doesn’t leak. I though someone had fixed it, but maybe it just swell.
OK.
Last week, on thursday or so, when everybody else was taking hermano to airport, the doorbell rings. I wake up, since everyone has gone sleep about three, me included because it seems impossible to me to sleep when everybody else is yelling (ok ok talking, yelling just every once and a while). Clock is about 11. SO on the second ring I get the door there is three men, including the janitor, and a woman asking for Sari, who is the habitant of this flat. I tell I speak no espanjol, but luckily the woman does speak english, I tell that everyone is in the airport and she tells that she’s the owner of the flat and these two men are coming to fix the roof. And I almost say oh nice yeah it did leak about month ago, but then decide to shut up. So men come and go to the roof and fix it and make a mess and clean it and then leave.
On the next morning, after their visit it rains hard. I wake up in morning at sometime and hear the rain and fall back to sleep. When I get up, I notice that the roof leaks again! Brilliant. It takes a month to come to fix something that doesn’t need repairing anymore and when they “fix” it, it needs repairing again.
It’s just sems to be how things go over here.
Brilliant.

Otherwise, my life seem to concentrate on all the things it’s been concentrating a long time. Difficult relationship(s), dancing, a little bit of less music, since there seem to be no so much time to listen to it, and getting things.

But I have heard latest Katatonia… Now after discouraged ones, I have felt that eveyrother album is ok then the next one not so good and then ok again but nothing really beating discouraged ones But then came Great Cold DIstance and bloody hell. It’s really fucking good. still maybe not beating discouraged ones since how can you beat a classic, but GCD being much better than anything between. So thanks to all this expectations could be really high, but because I knew this I tried to keep my expectations very low. And thank god, because new alum is good. Katatonia is Always Good, it’s much better than many others out there, but no it’s not as catchy and as nice as GCD, but also, It’s ok. I’ve now listened Night Is The New Day twice and I can’t say any super songs yet, I’m sure there is some. So I’m not much of a critic. what I heard was, about same sound world as GCD which is good, something that could be Opeth which is not surprise either and not bad thing and some really thick riff’s. Everythings hunkydory.

Took first roll of film to developement today. I pick it up tomorrow, let’s see.

I also tried to figure out should I get new glasses here. It seems not. Thanks to “cheap” chains like specsavers it’s cheaper in finland to get glasses. Well here it’s about 100€ depending on the specs, and in here if you take anything that is european brand as specs… huh it might be even cheaper in finland. Of course the cheap brands here are cheap, but so is specsavers back in finland. But I did find almost the sunglasses I would like to have… but then not quite, brigitte by infinit, but they have some gold in them and it’s maybe bit too much, also the price is bit too much. But somehow they’re nice. And of course I’m attracted of the name.

So maybe after all I’ll just glue my glasses together and get new ones when I get to finland…
I would like to get out of this consuming mind… But I think I’ll will always consume, buy, music right now James Blackshaw in my headphones again and me god, I need to give this man money.

If something needs repairing all the time, when is time to throw it away?

1 tale

I have no idea why I took the title… But it started to play in my head.
Now it plays in my itunes.

I had to read my previous mail. because I know I’ll repeat myself.
This time: Floor, glasses (which are broken), a bit better posture for my back, but not superb. Dreamscapes.

I went to the jam. Alone, with Kongh’s Shadows of the Shapeless filling my head (phones). Riding fast between cars, choosing lanes, paths through. Such a rush of adrenaline, Like snowboarding in backcountry. Super.
Why is it that so often we (?) feel most alive when we are in danger? Or at least in relative danger. Like me, going through streets of BS AS, between cars?
But it’s also about control. I’m in control and I have to make decisions fast, there’s no time to stop and think. It’s flowing. Just like a dance. So how come I don’t experience my whole life like that? Can I choose to experience my whole life like that? And howcome I can feel the same sense of flow time when I’m listening music.. like now Commemoration… This riff is superb. What happened to this band? Memoirs was such a dissapointment to me.

Oksana send me a part of Everything’s the same which I did in altai.
I should work so much more, I know.

And just now Hary asked me am I polish. No, proud member of Finnish CI community. Which of course leads me into thoughs of community. But let’s not go there. That word is tricky and I’m not sure am I part of community, but I’m part of the group dancing there for 9 years of CI, mainly together.

Sort of Invisible Listen to that song. HOwcome there is people who can do sucha a… It’s so simple. It’s so beautiful and the lyrics are the crown… No the Drum work is the Crown of this song. Listen to it. There’s this restrained force or power that could take off at anypoint and it chooses to stay with the song, to serve the song, Be a true part of it, and yet you can hear the power there. It’s huge. It’s physical force going into my body. Listen to it. Such a great song.

Just checking, but apparently I haven’t written much about Giorgio Agamben’s coming community. I should have. But then again the book is so great that… I dont know what to say except that it’s the almost only book within two years that had made me cry both on times I read it. And it’s superbly good. And I’m still not sure did I understand even half of it.

” …into the thin air…”

In jam there was three people. We had a lovely trio… of improvisation and contact. Very enjoyable. Funny that not so many people come there. space is nice. Bit sticky floor though. But at least there is space.

I can’t meet people. Already home I’m in trouble. Here even more because I don’t speak the language. Being with the relatives yesterday and me supertired because no one ever sleeps at here. And there was couple of really sweet attempts to make contact, and I tried to answer. And I tried to make contact. But we have no language and I don’t smile enough. Then later, in the evening I went to the jam. There was this teachers whom I’ve seen many times but not really made any contact with him. I felt that he’s a bit avoiding even to look at me. And then we start to dance. And dance is nice, good, a dance. And after we meet in corridor and we smile and touch, not talk, but we are there. That’s how I feel. I meet people when I dance, and after it’s easier to meet them again even in a bit different enviroment. How I can bring that openess I have in the dance space into my whole life?

I spend more money than I though.

Today we got the ticket to the border of brasil. On our way to Floreanopolis and the festival over there. I hope it will be good…

How the water turns in here?
I got two bottles fitting to devajal for tomorrows class… Endless repetition of self. Trying to fix things better.

Over and out.

Please do tell me

PIc from Finland though.

We’ve been looking for bikes. To cycle from place to place. Cycles are cheap here, if you come from europe.
But if you think you’re going to use it for a month…
Yesterday we found a good bike with 300 pesos. Too good to be true.
WHen we went to pick it up this morning… yeah, the poor woman had made a mistake with the price, it was 700. Arse, mistake, hah. I donät know what she tried but mistake it was not. Maybe that I would settle for a worse bike with 400.
This place is full of talk that doesn’t mean a thing. Blaa blaa blaa.
People are trying to bullshit in everywhere. But here blaa blaa blaa is a rule, not exception.

So now I have to find a bike. again. maybe.

paypal refuses to work with me when paying to US. I do not know why.
I hope they’ll tell me. I think they’re trying to bullshit me as well.

But something totally different from all of this.
After telling my friend Weazie about Jozef Van Wissem and It is all that is made He returned a link to ubuweb’s Van Wissem site. And my god, rom there you can find forthcoming Ex Patris (from important records, on vinyl apparently). Ex Patris continues the same awesomeness and beauty as It Is All That Is Made. Superbly Superbly beautiful. From ubuweb you can also hear A Priori which is also super good, but these two works of 2009 are overwhelmingly good.
I’m happy so happy that one funny day I was visiting a local new recordstore in helsinki and just ecause of the covers I picked up Jozef’s Stations of the cross, I like it, enough that I got more, like A Rose By Anyother Name and A Priori and then It Is All That Is Made I’m so happy.

Right now my ears are filled with Black Boned Angel’s and Nadja’s collaboration. The “new” full lenght one. And sure it’s not Christ Send Light, but something slightly else. However this far I do like it.

I’m so sad about the bike. I’m so happy about the music.

Every weekend, fri to sun here is a market very close by. I’ve been getting a lot of bomillas. Gues what you’re going to get for souveniers?
Today there was a stall by a woman who makes knives. I’m such a sucker for knives. There was this one super beautiful one, and I had to keep telling myself that it’s unpractical for me, it’s made for skinning small animals, it’s not for me, I wouldn’t use it.. But it was so beautiful. I didn’t got it though. ANd I won’t get it tomorrow either (?)

SOS is full and now people are not even signing up for the waiting list so much anymore which is ok.

I think about coming back to finland. Going to russia and ukraine. My life and how it doesn’t seem to go anywhere even I’m going from place to place.
Most of the stuff comes down to couple of questions: “What is important?” “What do I want?”
I love to dance. Hire me.

Please do tell me

A lot of time.
Vanishing away?
A lot to write about?
Well not a lot.

Visiting a laundry, and then Freddo’s because there’s no place to wait in the laundry.
I wonder how quickly they come to finland, will they ever come.
Will I ever come.

Yes I will, I know I’ll return because SOS is soon and Sos is full.
Less than 24 hours and we had 120 people coming. It’s nice.

Dancing here has been… well.. good, but jams are packed. Spaces are too small for the amount of people.
And at the same time as it is beautiful to see so many people interested and dancing, it’s also super frustrating try to dance with no space. Feeling limited all the time by the space. And finding out people with whom you could really explore and try out and find something but space limiting our exploration, our dance.
But that’s how it is.
I did a class, just one, which is always too short. But it went good. I always know how things could go better, but but… maybe better is a wrong word, different. You can’t be sure which choice would be (or will be) better.
Autarco asked me to visit him, and maybe there we will have some more space, or less people.
Lior would be also there.

This summer has been… Meeting and meeting people.
L and P and AH and AD and M in Moscow, then A&L + Autarco in Ibiza, then L, P, AH & M in here.
Going around russia, europe and argentina and meeting same people. Hah.

Again and again I’m lost in life and people and things. And again and again I find out that dancing is the thing where I’m least lost. But at the same time I’m enough lost in that one too, so that I can’t figure my way to make a living out of it, at least yet. Maybe I will. Here I’ve got some invitations to some places, but problem lies in no one having much of the money. And I’m slighly annoyed that I sense some people thinking I have a lot of money because I’m coming from europe. I don’t, but at the same time I do have a much better back up system than most of the people here, so I shouldn’t complain.
Back to dance. Dancing makes me happy, I notice that I have a hard time to smile, but in Jams I notice myself smiling much more.

Another thing that makes me.. Not just happy but… No it doesn’t make me anything, but it brings me enormous Joy is of course music (surprise surprise!). And the best thing for a while is Jozef Van Wissem’s It Is All That Is Made. I knew that I will like it, all of Jozef’s albums have been great this far, but this one, my…… How can anyone make music that is so sad and joyful and beautiful at the same time. It’s so beautiful that this far every time I’ve listened to it I’ve noticed tears coming to my eyes at some point. He has this theme that he returns to in every other(?) piece. I don’t know. I could try to write million things about this album, and nothing would hit the point so well. That’s why it’s music, not words.
Only thing I can say is that listen to it. Get it, and listen to it. Helped me a lot during these weeks. I notice.

City is big and full of cars. It reminds me of moscow for these same reasons, although I think that moscow is bigger. And of course the athmosphere is not exactly the same. In both countries I don’t speak the language. Here I can at least read the road signs. I wish I would get a bike, although the traffic is pretty scary in a way. Like they have lane marks, but nobody actually drive on the lanes. They drive how ever. But traffic is flowing so it’s ok. I was told here is a lot of parks, and yes there is, Only thing is that the park might be about thirty meters wide and there might be 4 lane road on both sides, so it’s not exactly peaceful or fresh, but it’s ok still.

Lot of notices warning about not leaving water around because water is a breeding place for mosquiteos and mosquitos can give you dengue, which is apparently somekind of relative of malaria.

Am I again picking up just negative things?
Food is very good, people seem to be nice although for me always takes a while to get accustomed to way of behaving.

I was lying in the dance space of san telmo, where the festival classes were. Watching the fan on the roof. Then I was lying in the terrase next to it watching birds, alone, in flocks. And I remembered reading that hawk or an eagle can see 240 pictures in a second. So for us 24 pictures is enough to make picture moving, But for eagle there would be a lot of stillness. Every moment is eternity, and not related to each others. It’s like pictures. Every moment is a still forever but we just happen to flow from still to still in the speed of 24 pictures. Time and space is totally created and related to our perception. Think, over 100 times more information in a second. Second is a long time. Eternities next to each others.
If I shoot a five minute dance piece with camera taking 240 pictures a second, slow it down to 24 pics a second, 500 minutes of dance. Continuous slow motion.
How slow we must look for an eagle.

Oh thing more. I love my bag, It’s great. I want to marry it. I took the brand of and replaced it with eyes of Ganesha since I’m becoming a hippie and since Ganesha is abundant. Bag is abundant. It’s nice to have something designed well for use and looking good. Now the test is just how long and well it will last.

Please do tell me

So what now?

I’m back in finland for a while.
Visited Argentina’s embassy and heard I need no visa. Called to police to get a new driving licence and heard it will take 8 weeks, bummer.

Found out that one of my Western Digital hard drives doesn’t work. It goes on and then clicks, like starts to spin the disc, clicks and slows down spins again click’s and so on maybe three or four times until it stops totally. My iMac says the disk couldn’t be read. Macbook’s disk utility shows the disc but says it’s 2TB so that’s not right. When I bought it (about two and half years ago) webpages said it has 5 year guarantee, I checked when I bought it from the guy, who said “if it says so on our web pages it is so”. Check the receit today.. well 2 year. wrote to them but they haven’t answered.
Funny thing is, nothing has happened to the drive. It ahsn’t been in power or connected to anything. Within 3 months nothing has happened, only thing that could do something is normal room dust. well, maybe now on I need to get seagates which actually DO have 5 year guarantee.
What got lost? I do not remember everything…. I hope I get the bytes back.

Before all of this I travelled from ibiza to Düsseldorf, where I waited 8 hours for connecting flight. Yes they were on time, that’s why the flight was so cheap. It would’ve been ok if I wouldn’t have had a most massive headache I remember having, like hours… Huh.

WHen I got home here was a lot of packets. So today I’ve been already listened Kongh’s Shadows of the Shapeless, which sounds bloody brilliant. Back When’s We sand as ghosts, which sounded good. Jeniferever’s Spring Tides which sounded adorable (what is it with those swedes?!?!). Isis’ Wawering Radiantwhich will tae some more time to open I think. And right now I’m listening Travis + Fripp which sounds good. Of course.
+ there is bunch of other vinyl to be listened + some cd’s like nadja collections new Jesu (my hopes are not up though) Yoshi Wada and some awesome looking stuff from Wereju (all of them Idrone park releases) and I mean looking I really dig the lay out.

Today starts a SOS meeting. I feel slightly sick, my throat hurts, but I’m going. Actually I’m driving a car. Good thing is today I also found my driving licence, problem with it is that it’s old one, big, and no one recognize me from that picture. Oh well… maybe I’ll get a new one anyway… and it can be sended to me.

What else. I feel strangely positive, of course a bunch of vinyl helps that but also otherwise. It’s nice. I start to pack things for the weekend meeting…

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

So now.
I bought the ticket. expensive one but she wants to travel on certain dates and we want to travel together and I have a lot of money.
But my debit card don’t go trough. travelling agency doesn’t let me know about this until I ask after 4 days of nothing.
We try another debit card it doesn’t go through.
Maybe today, though.
I do not know do I have the flight to argentina or not.
But I think I’m going.

This has given me a lot of stress and I wonder why. It’s annoying because not only taht I suffer from it, other people suffer my stress as well…
Not good.

I hear that I’m rude. THat I know but often I hear I’m rude in places or situations where I don’t actually feel to be. So again time of self-reflection.
But I know this. Specially in slightly hippy enviroments, I am rude. Because I’m looking things from the otherside, which for many is negative. Well to me it’s also negative, but I know it’s just the other.
Without other there is no other.
And eventually the whole needs both sides.

When Good forces eventually win there will be no good.
When bad forces eventually win there will be no bad.
To conquere the other completely, to demolish the other completely is to conqure and demolish yourself.
Why so often when we strive towards good we happen to do so much bad on the way?
So where and why do we strive for?

When I know that I’m not why I stress so much?
And the helplesness and frustration and violence are such a physical feelings in my body. Like some one holding me tight, suffocating… My heart beating fast and faster for a long time.
Can’t let it go…until with time.
I hear how people believe in themselves and what they’re doing. and they do things… hippy things but nevertheless.
And I don’t know what can I do and I don’t believe in anything.

But I know how to move, sometimes, the way I do.
What can I do with that?
Lot of things…
For me…
But what can I offer for others?
Something that they would value.
I am not sure.
sometimes with my teaching I think I can offer a bit. Or just move forwards the information I have got from others.

I fly not. I stay on the ground.

Please do tell me

Photo from Altai
In Barcelona, still. Today back to ibiza.

So things change and I think I’m going to argentina. Just because of her? Because of myself.
Own personal vipassana I think. Unless I learn Really fast spanish.
Can I believe that money come?
I try.

I need to pay everything back to my father at some point.
Direction for my life.

Who would like to “invest” loads of money into CI/Zen center, concentrating on healthy food, and the relations of CI and immediate action, being in here, now, Zen.

What would I do there, with it?
Learn dicipline, make dicipline.
I’ve understood that only dicipline I have is CI.
Yesterday when deciding to go to the jam and dance even though my eye is not totally ok yet (yeah it had a meeting with one finger, hurt) I realised that it is the thing I can do, everyday. It’s also the thing I enjoy. Not only CI but dancing. For a long time yesterday I was making my own solo when most of the people were lying on the floor. And when meeting my first partner my solo continued, infused with the possibilities of a duet. Was it a duet?

I want to dance.
I want to practise improvisation.

Yesterday feeling bad for various reasons (patterns keep repeating, no matter who I’m with because I’m me… so what is me? a bunch of patterns… If I change patterns, am I me?)
And walking in the city to the restaurant (BIO CENTER, Great food) going with the sullen relaxation noticing where we are going by having he wide spectre of surrounding and information coming in all the time. Not connected to anything, and thus connected to everything. Practise of impovisation… skills…

When I woke up… well later Kent’s Livräddären kept playing in my head so I open the computer and iTunes and play it. It’s good. I still don’t quite know what is he singing.
Then drifting on to other old songs of Kent. Such a greatness. Maybe the new ones are as well.

Advertisement. Well I could advertise a lot of things but to me is sucha nice thing that Denovali records is actually giving mp3’s downloads from their own releases. And sometimes the whole album like now

Slightly tired with group decisions specilly when I’ve chosen to be physically far away from the group. I might as well give in, thank god Panu can do these thing as well, so maybe I shift responsibility over to him.

I am worried about going, about life, about everything.
But I try now to.
I want to dance and listen and play music.
Do I want it enough? that’s the question.
But if not, I don’t want anything enough.

Good night and good luck to you all.

1 tale

Tryingto find cheap way from ibiza to barcelona and back.
No change, too late, and bad deal with the teaching in the sense that I really won’t make ANY money, on the opposite, but money comes. So why worry…

Plans getting bit clearer but plan is a plan, plan is not what happens.

Still tired after the festival, small hous is full of people, well actually outside of the house.
It’s actually really nice, kind of slow descending from the festival instead of total change.

Yesterday had a nice talk with Lior. He told about his trip to japan and zen monastry and I kept thinking that I have to get ore selfdicipline, for everything.

Did something to Irene’s leg, knee. I think it got a bit better but it will take time. I’m interested in “healing” work, but there’s so many different methods that I don’t know what to study, and nothing really calls me.

Spanair’s site keeps actin up. bummer.

I don’t even know what else.

Please do tell me

Last day of the festival, well, last full day.
It’s been good, me still feeling lazy. But I’ve done the whole Mirva’s intensive.
Morning class is just starting. I think I’m out since I’m here in netherworld.

Staying here. Well, for some reason unfamiliar discomfort is always harder than familiar one. But I just have to remind myself that familiar discomfort is still discomfort and it looks like nothing new is coming up in finland… So I made a choice to stay.
There is no right choices, which means there’s no wrong ones either.
Except that there is.
Now I try to follow this choice.
At least I feel I have good reason for it, but I need more reason.
Things to do.

People lying on the floor.
Everything is always late here, and I’m not talking about mere 10 minutes.
Have to get used to this.
Have to learn the language.
Have to…
I don’t but maybe, just maybe I want to.

Yesterday talking about relationships, connections between people and what ever that means.
Coming to the point of questioning the nature of “self” again.
Asking does she want an open relationship.
She asking back reminding that there is a lot of beautiful women here.
So what.
Answer is no.
Reading Diceman yet again and it’s so true, how many conflicting desires we have. Me noticing of being a bit envious to some of my fellow finnish, and at the same time being extremely happy that I’m here and not there. Many selfs, many desires, many potentials, many futures, many possibilities. So who am I?

In my teaching, which went ok, but I stil felt slightly dissapointed, I start to use more and more words channel, flow through, earth. Telling people that we are weak, and earth is strong, and for this long it has provided us all that we got, and it still keeps doing so even if we are misusing it hugely. I am a vessel, a channel, a canal, a river bed, and all of this (that there is) is flowing through me, I never have anything, I never am anything, and yet…. I am time-being, I’m time, I’m perception, I’m mirror, I’m nothing.

I like this story:

The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen master to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism.
“What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?” the emperor inquired.
“Vast emptiness… and not a trace of holiness,” the master replied.
“If there is no holiness,” the emperor said, “then who or what are you?”
“I do not know,” the master replied.

I do not know.

People wandering out of the room, batteries running empty… connections keeping up.

I keep thinking that I’m giving up something. But I’m not giving up anything, just because there’s nothing to give up. But realization of this, embodiment of it, is rather hard.
me me me mine mine mine.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

First week in the Island.
Not the one on the pic though.
Easy and hard at the same time.
I try to stay in this moment where everything is ok, but I notice myself trying not to worry about future, which means that I worry about future.
But just a bit. Still: Now now now.

The traffic here suggest that you can die any moment anyway, so no reason to think about future, think and be just now.
I think I’m in love, it’s now, but has projections into the future as well.

I try to learn spanish but I’m lazy.. I know, should work more.
Spanish would also help of getting work.
Although I don’t need work, I need money. Although I don’t need money, I need travels and food and shelter. Money is, money comes.

Festival is starting tomorrow, till now everything has been super laid back
Nice and easy and good atmosphere, really warm. dancing together, eating, talking just a bit.

I have to get used to the timing of this place, 5 min being 15, 2 hours being 4.

I teach tomorrow, and I know what, well I think I know. But it always depends of the people, of the mood, of whatever. But I think I have El Camino Real that I’ll follow.

I want my own house. I just don’t know where.
I want an easy life.

I still remember being in the car with John and Juho, going to Purnu meet Ronja to plan a camp. Me just out from Oku dance school wondering what to do and speaking with John. Me saying it won’t be easy and John laughing and saying “but did you really ever though that you would have an easy life”

This island is full of ants. It seems that all the places I sleep in are full of ants as well.

Few nights ago I saw a dream. It was someone’s child drowning. He getting the baby (or a child) out of the water and starting to give kiss of life and pressing the heartbeats. Me coming to help… Child turning out to woman starting to cough, me saying good good, cough the water out.
It was salt water, I know.

Sea is a beaut, but after Altai I feel that… I would like to be next to a river, running, blue green, beautiful, clean water fresh water pure. But not so far from the sea either.
and a lake.

I need to go to south america just to feel it. Can I be there? Can she be somewhere else?
She is somewhere else all the time after all.

What is happy life?
What is happiness?
Who am I?

A Vessel, a stream, a flow, a dam gathering water until pressure breaks. At some point I break,
at some point I break, at some point…

I was flying from Barnaul to Moscow I think, Or moscow to Frankfurt. Watching the sun lit clouds white, and this though filled me with joy: ” I might die today”
It’s the might.

Aeroplanes make me cry, almost always. Leaving something behind, coming to somewhere else, too fast and not fast enough.

All that I do I do, I try to do nothing.

Please do tell me

Exceptionally photo by Andrey Samarcev!

Siberia is over.
Beautiful views alongside of the river.
Beautiful days under hot sun and in cold water.
Rainy days swamping through the mud.
Riding horses up to a mountain, climbing up to a mountain.
When I learn to keep my head?
I joy most when I do what I want after all, with the time frame that I want.
Although it’s good to adjust sometimes, not always.

Read Giorgio Agambes becoming community again.
Thought of sunjata and existence, and with the brief flash of sun in the river…
This realisation of what I am, and that I still can exprience all this, Overwhelming sense of grace and mercy that brought tears in my eyes. At the same time thinking that this was what Jesus was talking about, not the kingdom of heaven to be, but kingdom of now being.

So what am I?
A vessel.

I think I’m on the same track with Ilona on this, when talking about dancing… I’ve wrote about this already(?). That sometimes when I’m dancing CI it’s not me dancing, dance is me, everything happening is me without the boundaries of experience and the one who experiences. Everything’s the same.

On a river 3 performances of “everything’s the same” Two “filmed” by Lena on my phone and one should have been by Oksana, but something went wrong (I should have explained her a bit more how my phone works) so no material of that one.
Was going to do it later too, but too much to do or too much rain.

Spend one day in shooting Altai legend of Katun and Chemal. It was fun but towards the end more and more hard. I appreciate communal work, when work is really done together and there is no clear director, but then when you don’t understand the language, you’re not full part of community. So instead of one person telling you what to do there’s a bunch of people telling what to do and at the end of the day after 10h it’s a bit tiring to do “one more scene” specially when already being told that I’m free. But again straight talk help. I said that ok now I’m tired of this and everybody took great care of me, understanding quite well (I hope)

All and all everybody were super nice and friendly, when talking same language and when not. Got some movies to watch, even with english translation after hours of work. And got some superb pictures from Andrey who’s last name escapes me because I’m still not too good with kyrillic alphabet… Samarev would be my guess… [edit: But Samarcev is right]
And of course it was supernice to spend time and dance with Sveta again.

Anyway maybe because this moment on the river I started all of my classes asking people to answer to the question “who or what am I” and I ended all the classes with the same question suggesting that they write the answer to their notebooks.
Some people did and some not. Most of people probably didn’t understand why… even I’m not sure why (no, I do know). But at least my translator said that she enjoyed reading those answer after the last class.

Translators were doing a lot of work, and unfortunately they should do even more. None of them was professional in it I guess. Well actually, it’s not that they didn’t work enough, they did, so actually the festival would need more translators. Often one of the reason for me not going to classes or labs was the reason that I would have been the only person for whom the class or discussion should have been translated to, and I didn’t want to be so much trouble. Then again on those sunny days the river was so inviting that even if I wouldn’t be the only one maybe I still wouldn’t have gone.

I don’t know, somehow I feel that Im tiptoing on this text, trying to get bit deeper and personal and at the same time avoiding it.

However the festival was good. There was a lot of hapening and I’m happy to hear that they will do it again next year. Organisers had done a lot of work all and all. However there was two main challenges: 1. We had only one dance space with the floor, it had a roof but no walls so in the evenings it was a bit cold. 2. the food was, not horrible but tasteless, totally tasteless. Of course it is better than something that actually tastes bad, but still…. That’s why I’m now sitting in Frankfurt in a cafe and been eating a lot…. and will have a coffee still.

I’m quite addicted to… sweets. and a bit of mate. Thank god Sveta brought it to me from Kiev because me being sick caused me missing getting it from moscow.

Well I see Sveta again tomorrow in totally different enviroment though. Tomorrow will be great day, beginning of Freiburg CI festival. To see again so many lovely people, few of them who I love deeply, and specially the one I love, finally after 4 weeks.

Other totally trivial but super good news. My father got the packet that Conspiracy send, so now I have “new” ISIS on vinyl. Different thing is when I will actually listen to it. or will I ever.

Travelling and tiredness makes me overly sentimental. I had tears in my eyes so many times today in the aeroplane, some of it from missing people, some of it from sadness, some of it from great joy of being alive, some of it from happiness of meeting people again.

I never lose, really.
I never loose anything. Sometimes it’s so hard to believe and experience.

Another memory that I can’t put into words but I’ll try anyway and fail trying.
Maybe because of hearing music and just being reading diceman again on the edge of falling a sleep having a wake dream that everything is alright, that eventhough I’m alone in this bed, there is person who loves me and is not far. and in this moment the persons and time mixing, being same time in the past present and future… and yet this was not the sensation I had, this is just words trying to grasp the sensation, but missing the essential: the sensation.

About same thing happened after river experience. Words cannot reach it, but I noticed of myself thinking along the same lines as just before the experience, not to think it over, but to have the experience again. But it was gone already. Why I try to hold something I know is flowing. By trying to hold I miss the experiences now. By trying to think on the same lines to have the experience again, I don’t let my though go and have new experience of the same thing in some new way, or totally new thing….

I don’t know much about my life. It’s good in a way. We never do, but it’s nice to plan or have a somekind of hunch. Anyway I got invited to Kiev in beginning of May. I was quite happy and Am happy about that. Ruslan is such a nice fellow, I feel pity sometimes that we don’t speak the same language at all, there is quite a few topics I would like to talk with him. So I’m going to Kiev on may, and maybe before that to russia again. So workvice some little things happening. Its nice.

Please do tell me

Ok, one festival down.
I’m totally tired and I don’t understand why.
I didn’t do ay intensive. I did too classes.
I did dance in the jams a lot.
But still being tired all the time is getting tiring.

Tomorrow to siberia, Novo-sibirsk and then night trip on a bus to altai mountains.
More free time… well easier schedule I think.
I took loads of free time now too.

Two weeks still.

Met Ice queen, such a lot of fun.
Met some other people too. Great dances, great people.
Most of them I’ll meet again soon.

But Masha I’ll miss a lot…
Let’s see how my life turns out.
Probably no net for a while.

Oh, one superb thingy, Nathan from conspiracy told that because GLS (well actually Itella) lost my packet) GLS will cover the whole sum. And for cases like this they have a couple of copies saved. so they send me new packet with almost everything in there (Wolves in the throne room missing, but I got that from elsewhere) Now I just hope that my father picks it up…
But superb work from Nathan and Conspiracy Records. So many thanks.

Please do tell me

ECITE is over, we ended on friday and went of to Liverpool to do some performance.
Friday night performances were at the Blue Coat theater… Kind of usual stuff as shortly improvised performance vise, but the place was really really nice, as a building or atmosphere somehow.
I remember mainly just hoppalappa postfolki tantzi teatteri… but they have worked long time together. Liisa’s solo partial thanks to the child who was crying on the next space, duve kind of thingy, and of course Ville’s verbalopening on the last bit.

What do I have to say about ECITE? Somehow after reading… well it’s not about that. it’s just me. I feel that I didn’t share or exhange so much about teaching, at least verbally. But I exhanged through dancing and dancing was mainly really good. I’m specially happy about dancing with Mathilde in Karl’s DJ jam so that we wanted to continue the exploration as a performance in liverpool on saturday…

I’m jumping around I know.

ECITE was good, let’s see how we figure it out in finland next year.

So on friday performances where in blue coat theater space. On saturday they were in A Foundation gallery space or spaces. A lot of space.
I notice that I get highly frustrated on discussions how things should be done… specially when performance should start around 15 o’clock and we start to talk about overall arch about 14.55.
But I think that beginnings and Ends group score in the big white space were good. Also there was some beautiful small things happening like Steve’s and that livepoolian guys singing in golden space. As well as Liisa’s and Peter’s duet next to the golden space. I just hope more people would have found those spaces earlier and actually seen them well enough. I also think that Mathilde’s and mine small thing was good. I really enjoyed and I was very happy to get Peter’s positive feedback (verbally and graphically) about it.
But maybe the nicest thing in the weekend was that V came to liverpool and we had some time together.

I understand well why buddhist monks were not married.. well some of them are now. But it’s sometimes hard to not to be attached. And when being attached it brings up so many emotions… Good and bad.

After the weekend… We came back to london. On monday, yesterday I had a flight to moscow with Caroline and Lily. We had agreed to see at 14.00 before check-in. I get into the tube at 13:00, minor delays in piccadilly line. aha.. I change tube two times, we sit and wait around… again, so much for me to learn. I sent loads of messages to Caroline that I’m late. Finally I get into airport and check-in (she went ahead but booked space for Lily and me next to her) go through security. get myself a coffee. Gate is open and we wait for Lily who’s also stuck in tube.
She comes through we make it to the gate when they’re boarding, no worries.
In the plane captain announces that we’ll be delayed about 30 min. And we have 30 min change in Wien. No worries.
We get to Wien, run to austrian airlines info desc to find out the gate. We run through security to the gate. Moscows plane is late as well and the woman behind the counter tells us that it’s still possible that we got our luggage on to the same plane. Normally the time between should be 25min, now it’s 19. OK.
Another nie sit in the airplane, and I start to think why the hell I’m coming to moscow now anyway… Well at the time, coming to the teachers meet sounded like a good idea. but being so tired a couple of days rest in helsinki doesn’t sound bad either… but nothing to be done anymore.
We get to moscow, we find our luggage, Jeij.
I get to Andrey’s Jeij, tomorrow teachers meet starts.

Still no sign about conspiracy packet. Finish mail Itella and GLS has lost it somewhere. Itella is doing it’s job so badly.
I hope GLS will find it but they have now looked for it about 3 weeks and no sign. I wrote to them yesterday but haven’t got any answer yet.
I’m not happy about this. almost all of the vinyl in the packet is sold out at the moment.

This comes to owning things again. I want to know that I have them. In real world I wont be able to listen to them at least in two months. if things go like I planned I won’t be able to listen to them until january (well, it’s not a plan, but a hope/wish/belief). And because no one knows the count of our days I can’t be sure will I ever hear/see them. But I still like to feel that they are there, that I own them.. and that’s why I’m not happy about packet’s being lost.

Ok… I start to drift.. later again me thinks.

Please do tell me

So now. I almost got all of the things packed. Everything is and was full but I managed.
No I need to manage some more with some more stuff.
“kamaan ja tavaraan”…

Thank (insert your desireable deity here) that I booked my train ticket really early from london to liverpool, because the prices can be realy hilarious here. I could pay more from my train than I did on my flight…

And with some luck I lost another 8£ but maybe I’ll get 15£ back.
And it doesn’t matter since money comes

But anyway. I’m here.
I’m not.
What is here?

Freiburg should be a blast this time, not because of the fesival it self ut because of the people who are coming.

Take care now.

Please do tell me

Is absolutely terrible.
Too much stuff, too small bag, one new bag that is also too small.
LIke what it would be needed in two months… Or hopefully more.
Too many books.
Quite a few dance pants… and dance clothes, not enough “normal” clothes..
And the the sleeping bag and mattress… too much….
And the new backbag is good for computer but then nothing else fits into it.
And my old eastpak is perfect, you can fit a shop in there but it’s a messenger and with computer it’s so heavy that it isn’ really nice to carry at all…

+ then there are people saying coming not coming and all te rest.
Pretty soo however I should be in a place with some friends and some new people and hopefully lots of dancing…
I’ll try to figure out how I’ll get enough stuff with me or will I?

Why worry when there’s nothing to worry about.
It’s not so serious, only stuff.

Then again not getting the packet from conspiracy because of Itella truly sucks.
Nathan at Conspiracy has been great, so there is nothing to complain. but apparently Itella has lost the packet somewhere and now GLS the original transporter can’t really find it. Or haven’t at least told me if they have.
It sucks. There is the new Isis.

Then again got stuff from Drone Records.
He always send some promos too which is so nice. WHen I get rich I’ll order the all of their drones. Two new Subtantia Innominata are coming out in any minute. And to me it seems that the series is just getting better. At least Voice of Eye was great. In the same packet Aidan’s Gathering Blue. It seems that this year lot of releases but also lot of them recycling old material. Nevertheless the name song is superb. So I’m happy.

Tone Float releasing new Bass Communion, kind of a must… bummer.
Buddhists come to help, How can I get rid of this want… Haha..

After last mail… Sun, dancing a bit, teaching, water, walking, talking, singing and stuff. Nice time and nice people, even when I don’t understand much of what they’re talking about.

Shunyata.

Please do tell me

Okay.
It’s way too late in St.Petersburg but I’m not able to sleep probably anyway. Tomorrow is an early morning start towards lake Laatokka. So What I’m doing is reading this buddhist stuff from wikipedia and this caught my mind a bit: from Skandhas

To give a simplistic example, if one believes “this body is mine” or “I exist within this body,” then as one’s body ages, becomes ill, and approaches death, one will likely experience longing for youth or health or eternal life, will likely dread aging and sickness and death, and will likely spend much time and energy lost in fears, fantasies and ultimately futile activities.

The only thing that I disagree, a bit is that… well the suffering and dread is caused by longing of being young. I can think I am this body because it’s what I am. Then it’s a different thing do I just see what I am, or do I want or long to be something else, like young healthy etc.
I still think that I am my body. But the question is what is I. and this is the thing that buddhist keep going on about, i guess. I as a concept am my body and my body is those 5 skandhas. I can see that. When I let that longing go… I’ll still be my body, the conceptual self. and when the body dies, I die. That’s it.

I still think that buddhism is not about something that goes… aw… fuck. no. I want to see buddhism as something, not about future, not about striving for nirvana like it would be heaven. If it would be so then I can’t see much difference and then striving is longing. So with longing for nirvana I’ll lcling and bind myself and my life to that concept and ideal. And everything is changing and I shouldn’t cling. So I can cling to not clinging.. It’s endless and totally hilarious.
Anyway I want to see buddhism something for life, for this moment, not for future or past because there isn’t any and actually there’s not even present moment because it’s only here in comparison to past, future. So this moment is eternity, something for eternity.
Yeah maybe I follow these ideas of Tao more. If I worry about my karma and I try to make good karma is it really good because it’s thinking of self, it’s something for me. If actions are immediate, without judgement without labelling… now.. I can’t say what they are because then they would be labelled…. Such a lot of fun…

I remember this talk we had with pre SOS meeting group about doing good. And Ville said that he doesn’t want to do good, or was it that he doesn’t want to help. Like if there someone who needs some food he might go to shop and get some food and have talk and so on, but it’
s not helping, it’s just being together in the moment, sharing something, the moment, the eternity…

I start more and more get this Sunjata, Shunyata, Sunyata…
Everything is empty, ever flowing, without true “self” or stable substance.
And it’s also clear why De Dao Jing says: Those who talk don’t know, those who know don’t talk.
Words as well as thoughs are ever circling around of reality, but they never catch it.

So while I’m at it I’ll just write this out as well.
Why do I dance CI?
This idea of Tao and Wu-wei, immediate action without judgement, doing what is needed, what is natural, with out trying to make it anything else. And this perception that the experience and the experiencer is the same. From those both I have very clear experiences when dancing. I do not react. I justg act, I don’t “think” about the action, is it good or bad, where it will lead where is came from I just be in the dance. and I can’t say it’s me who is dancing. dance, me, moment, weight, experience, perception are all the same one thing. When I’m inside of this frame of dancing CI I am free. But I’m free inside of the frames, when I come out of it, or if for some reason my partner doesn’t have the same frame, I very easily start to question things. But questioning doesn’t mean judging. But just being more aware of the principles behind the choices (partners and mine) and the past and the future. If I don’t long for and don’t judge (these go easily hand in hand) all the dances are good. But it’s not always easy.

Ok.I’ll stop now before I get more mixed up.

Please do tell me