:Wavetales

So now.

What I was supposed to write?

How it’s hilarious why some hetero men are so homofobic. It’s unlikely that they would be rapes (possible of course, but keep your senses), so what is the threat with someone being homosexual? None, and it’s more women for “us”. And why we want to define person only by his or her sexuality? Wierd. All of this comes up of course that we have president elections on sunday and the far more better candidate is outspokenly gay.
At the same time, it’s so wierd how all those “feminist” etc are wanting more immigrants over here. Well, why not, but if you look at the cultural differencies and how women (or homosexual btw) are treated in many places where we are taking the immigrants from, maybe the immigrants should have pretty damn good brainwashing when they come. Cultures and values are relative, but mine are the right ones.

Another little bit less serious fun is in FB and probably many other places going around the fun pictures of left and right side of brain. Left is pictures brown and dull, right rather colorful. In order to make that distinction they have had to use the left side of the brain. Whole of this culture is all the time left and right, black and white.
I’m that a lot. Totally judgemental, not allowing gray anywhere. Black or white, right or wrong.

Relativism is fine, but usuallypeople just use it to escape on ackward or difficult situations. You should know.

I’m my mothers child. collectig stuff, I just hope I can avoid ending up the house full of stuff like she.
Well maybe vinyls, and cd and music…
And I have had a lot of music lately, so much that I don’t even know where to start.
So should I start at all?
Maybe not.

Going same old rounds. same old rounds, but with slight change.
SOS coming up next week.
Then a work with autistic people.
THen going off to teach, I think these will be my last workshops outside of the festivals.
Or… well… I need to get a real job, maybe then I get inspired again to teach, when I don’t need to think of the money. Money ruins everything. But also I feel that I just don’t get enough appreciation. Well, of course my ego is a bottomless hole so I don’t know what would be enough. But I think just a bit more would succeed.
In brasil I got few very nice feedbacks. So it’s not that I wouldn’t get anything.
I was really happy to teach, actually I am inspired of teaching, the act of it. But I on’t feel need to do it so much. Like, if people are not interested, why push it. maybe it would be better to find another pathways. More possibilities, like my little loved one says.

Right now I don’t have a flat or a house, it’s ok..
It will come.

Im often in a state of… not boredom but somekind of none coherence, not being able to concentrate verylong to anything… aimless, wandering aimlessly… without the actual physical wandering.

Been talking a lot with Marko about bikes. I like biking, I should get a good bike, if I would know where to get it.
I could get it easily here in helsinki/finland, but I’m not going to stay here for a long, for now. I think. who knows.

Politics are strange.. I should go in… and sort out things. But I’m too lazy to write about them, find me so we can talk.

Please do tell me

Pic not being anyway connected to the topic.
Actually I don’t know what is the topic.

Let’s say, that, Talking is easy for me, for some people it’s not. And talk sometimes it’s so hard to find the words to express sensation or sensations specially when sensations can be conflicting. Since I try to teach CI I try to be good at that, but it doesn’t necessarily help because a lot of people do not relate to the words I use same way as I do, and even more importantly don’t relate the way I say the words. How ever. I need to remember this when I talk with my dear girlfriend, and maybe I understood one way for us the communicate somethings a bit more easier. MAybe not, who knows. But moods change.

Year changed. THis was the 3 new year I’m with the people I don’t really know much. But this time it was the most easiest. Maybe because she was here and I feel more easy and happy about that than last new year. Last time I was the only one not understanding the most common language used. Now there was 2 of us. I don’t know. Anyway there was some awesome musicians playing all night pretty much, some nice paella, beer, wine, dessert(s).And I enjoyed. mainly hearing people playing. I almost think I should get bit more into samba and bossanova.

So it’s again time that I would want to make the list of best musical albums of 2011, and I can’t.
I haven’t been home, even though I have listened to music, I think almost none of that has really come out on 2011
I haven’t even really gotten into Aidan’s stuff this year.
So I checked my last.fm charts since they should give a pretty good feel what I’ve been lsitening (remembering I don’t been home so no vinyl playing almost at all.

Blut Aus Nord is on top and true, hearing 777 – sects really got me into it so I listened all the previous albums as well. Don’t have any idea why I haven’t found them earlier, but good that I did now. I wonder can I still get 777 – sects on vinyl.

She Said Destroy is second. This City Speaks In Tongues was out years ago, and I have NO idea why I didn’t get it then since their previous album was one of the greatest metal albums for a long itme. but I didn’t. I got into it now. Great great stuff.

Rally is totally inherited from last year. I got them at the end of 2010.. But great great great and specially since you can get the albums for free, you should, and pay a bit too. Because the music of Rally (=SUmmen) is marvelloous.

Virus is virus olthough The Agent that Shapes the Desert haven’t really hit me so hard yet. I think it will. maybe.

The surprise is MAstodon, because it is actually their lates album that got out on 2011 that I’ve been listening to. I haven’t really gotten into the older ones although all the hype. New one has some great great songs. Really good. Yeah. Listen “octopus has no friends” makes me feel good.. the guitar thing that comes after chorus is super.

One super thing I found only this year (years late again) is Plutonium 74. Great stuff. I’m so happy I accidentally played “Radio menee Ylös” as a first song, because if I would have heard some more “traditional” reggae piece maybe I wouldn’t have gotten into it so much. I admit that the album is very uneven for me, but the fore mentioned song plus “Putoaako poikamme taivaalta” and specially “ruisleipää ja lakipykäliä” are so bloody superb that just those three justify three albums all together. Ruisleipää ja Lakipykäliä is actually one of the best songs for long time, the combination of happiness, nostalgia, melancholia, joy, reality and surreality is so so so awesome.

Next one hitting my eye on the list is Clair Cassis. Sounds like Velvet Cacoon because it is Velvet Cacoon. Best song names ever like “Antique Sea Smoke” and “Rosewater Cake“. But I like.

One Great album is Sylvain Chauveau‘s Singular Forms. I haven’t listened Chaveau before eventhough I have gotten recommendations. So I listen to it, and am wondering how he got David Sylvian to sing on his album, but then that it’s not Sylvain, but someone who sounds a lot like him and Davind Sylvian has the Voice. And then I find out that is mister Sylvain himself who is singing… My god, He needs to sing more on the albums.

I heard The Dodos from my friend Jenny. And eventhough I still haven’t listened all of their songs its mainly because I got stuck in Winter which is one of the best songs ever.

Other thing that I just found is Silversun Pickups can’t figure out why I didn’t find them earlier, but when I’m getting home I try to get them all from Ville, because Pikul is great.

I never though I would be in anywya country music, but Micah P. Hinson might change that a bit. Although if he wouldn’t have made the first song A Call to Arms such a beutiful instrumental He would never be mentioned because I would have never listened the album as far as I did.

Sinnbus has been one of my favourite labels mainly because of Torchous and Kam:As this year brough me also I might be Wrong (listen A Propos, chorus is a killer) and maybe Hundreds

There has been somuch of music that I would just easily label as “ambient” although not really ambient, so that I can’t remember all. Hey, since Stars of the Lid‘s “And Their Refinement of the Decline Haven’t been on any Top list I’ll add it here, That Album is pure Brilliance.
Other thing I would like to add just because of the last seconds of Burning Bridges Together is Twells & Christensen‘s Coasts I have listened that guitar for hours (looped it once with Traktor)

One more that I should have gotten straight away after release but for some unkown reason didn’t is Autolux‘s Transit Transit I think it’s as good as their debut, which is a lot. Hoping that Future Perfect actually was their debut.

This year I’ve been trying to find metal, good metal. Sometimes succeeding.

Murmuüre is sold out already from Paradigm records and I’m not surprised at all (I didn’t get it, but got the vinyl from Aurora Borealis). I don’t kno what to say about it. But it’s great.

Other thing which is somehow wierd to even mention is Altar of Plagues‘s Mammal because I’m not sure have I still listened the whole 4 songs but actually what happens at 8:14 on Neptune is Dead makes it already on this years list, funny enough.

Other release of Paradigms that comes to this list also mainly because the first song is Westering‘s Help a body There something in the soundworld that really works for me.

Anyway, soon I’ll be back in finland and have lot more to music to listen.. I wish I just find the place and time.
I just made my Ipod a playlist of some stuff I come up this past year that I should really catch up. Can I please somehow work with listening music?
Please.
This abudance is kind of too much. But I’m happy about it.
BTW September Malevolence AND Scraps of Tape has released new albums. Am I exited, yes a bit since SoT has always been good and SM’s previous album is absolutely amazing having a bass sound that makes me cry.

According to hippies and new age freaks this year will bring the change or starting of it. Watching the happenings in US (oocupy) Russia (demonstrations against Putin) and Arab world I can almost feel it. and I hope the change comes but does something else than in Egypt (where Fundamental islamist basically won the elections). All the Bes for all of you.

Please do tell me

In florianopolis it’s rains a lot.
When there’s sun, it’s hot an burning.
Still I like it, somehow.

Since last time I’ve done 2 workshops over here and performed. Went to Porto ALegre, done workshop over there and performance.

Sveta came here as well. Telling first that she doesn’t know does she want to be with me. Then she knew. We have a bit of the problem talking since our words are not working on the same plane. And something has changed for her and she has met people who can understand her heart without words. I can’t. Yesterday we were talking about commitment again and how I feel that we understand it differently. From the way she talks I feel that for her commitment can be broken at any time. For me it cannot. It can be broken, of course, I have done it, but if it’s commintment it can’t be broken alone. To commit is to want. So if I commit to someone, I’ll work with the other person in order to make it work. And it might be that it doesn’t work even after trying. To me commitment is a lot of the want, so when I meet other desires I still want to choose the one I’m committed to, and that is the thing that makes me alive. It seems to me that for her that makes her a bit dead, because she actually desires something else. So I asked her if she wants and open relationship and she answered that maybe she dosn’t need any relationship.

It’s so hard when I’m relating to words so much. I know that the words lie as well and that there is other levels and plane’s of communication. But.. Somehow tired again. Of course I’m questioning myself of what I want. is it really that I want a committed relationship that would last for life. There is an ideal for that in me, but is it what I really want? I still feel that the answer is yes, it just seems that it will not be so easy to find a person who would feel the same.

I talked with Alexandra few days ago. It’s nice, I like her a lot. She was telling how she feels on somethings and somehow it was nice to hear. It kinda showed me why I didn’t go to germany over a year ago. Because it seems that all of the things I was afrai of would have happened. Of course, you never know what would have happened but persons are mainly patterns so if the pattern is occurring now it’s probable that it would have occurred anyway.

And the things are still there. Status, my place in world and heirarchy. I want to get rid of it. But it’s really difficult. I don’t really value myself because I don’t know how and what to value. I have no status, no money, no home, no job, no long itme relationship, no… I’m not open, not nice, I’m heavy, and dark I’m pessimistic, I think too much, I’m too closed, I don’t get things done, I do’t have the initiative. These are the things I hear. These are also the things that I see. And if I think about status.. I don’t really think I would be happier if I would have the “normal” job and a flat and a… How knows. But I feel there’s a pressure that I should have or done these things. And for sure, if it was by the work I want to do, I would be happier. But this far Only option that I have seen to achieve that have been through the work that I don’t really want to do. So what do I want to do then?

I would like to teach. I’m not sure often what is it that I would like to teach since there is so much to learn for myself. And at the same time I have no clear interest to study. Wierd. And teaching… well. I feel that I am good in that. but often I feel that people either do not agree or they don’t value the things I’m teaching or my persona comes in between. And this far I don’t know how to keep my persona out. But like now. I was in Porto Alegre doing a workshop. I taught pretty much the basic things for me, listening to the earth through the partner and yourself, having that connection clear for all the time. Then adding different aspects or viewpoints of it, but basically everything connected to that. Then on the second day Fernanda who was organizing the workshop ask if I could teach something more advanced. And I was lost, what is more advanced? So I asked what people want to learn. And eventually I gathered that It was pretty much what I was going to teach anyway, giving your whole mass. But people want to elarn what they see, they want to learn that cool looking movement. And within CI I don’t want to teach that unless there really would be a group that has the base of the listenign to the eart through so embodied that actually tey don’t need a teacher anymore, then it would be more like a lab. So what is more advanced? I don’t know. Eventually teahing is just pointing to something. Sign post to the true knowledge that can never be verbal.

It interesting, actually most of the things that we learn is not the knowledge itself but ways to communicate about the knowledge. Like anatomy, We might know name of everybone and muscle but we need them only when we need to communicate something about them, and true, sometimes to make things clear or embody the knowledge we need to communcate about those things with ourselves. (Who is communicating with whom, how many being there is within me, which one is me)

Ok, somehow I read UG Krishnamurti above there. So if you’re interested read. He is saying that there is no new experience, because in order us to know something as an experience we need to have some earlier information where to refer to. Ok this is simplified he’s saying a lot of other stuff too, many thigns which I’m not sure do I agree on. But in a way it just brings out the relativeness of everything. and yet, sensation is ot relative, the communication of the sensation is relative, because in order to communicate the sensation it’s needs to define it and there is no other ways to define than comparisons, but the sensation itself, before it’s communicated is not relative at all? or is it? I think it’s not. But if you don’t communicate the sensation to yourself, is it still there? Of course it is. Again, nature of reality is highly interesting.

Co-incidences happening. Nothing special, just little things. I often try to find meaning in them, but I can’t see it. So I try to let go, and just notice. Co-incidence.

In BSAS I was visiting a Video dance festival and saw documentary from Anna Halprin, “Breath made Visible”. Very good, what was interesting to me in relation to CI was that she was doing some stuff with community project on sixties, that by the look of it was totally CI. But she wasn’t interested about the physics, but emotions.
Later I had a talk with Asaf and Paula and Belen and I mentioned this. Asaf told that he remember Steve saying in some conversation that to him CI was kind of a counter culture in counter culture. Because all of the emotins, community, etc were on top at the sicties and seventies, he wanted to concentrate on the physics. It’s funny, because now people are again so much talkign how CI is so “special” because it’s intimicy, touch, emotions etc. And actually, that’s the stuff people were doing long time before, and that specially is NOT the stuff the artform that became CI wanted to concentrate on. There’s nothing bad in it. just interesting for me who has always approaached CI more from the physical point of view. Rather impersonal.

I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on art level.
I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on personal level.
I wonder is there anyone who really would share the view of commitment and would want to work with that.

Good day and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

TIme in BSAS is gone.
Sveta was right. Nothing happened. well not enough for me but I’m still unable to see how could I make it happen more.
But some nice performances and Nice workshop in festin and ow in last weekend. Thanks for Ciete Cielos, specially Jose, but all of them. Thanks to Gabo and Vanina.

I spent few days in Gabos place having very nice conversations with him. And few nice dances as well.

Yesterday Met Asaf, Paula and Belen. Again nice conversation.

But all and all, the same thing like last years. a real job. I feel that eventhough I do think of myself as a good dancer and teacher, other people don’t see it quite like that. At least if I’m looking the attendance rates to my classes.
So something else. I’m happy to come and teach, but I don’t want have need of making money with that. So I don’t need to take offers that don’t really please me. I really like teaching, but feeling dissapointments of the amount of people or of being rejected by festivals are taking the fun out of bit. So I shouldn’t take it too seriously.
The bad thing is that it’s the only thing that I feel I can actually do well. That I’m good in. So need to find other things that I’m good at, and which are appreciated more also around me.

Found out Murmuüre, I really like it, so it should be coming on vinyl, to me.
Lot of other things as well so now I hope santa claus will halp me also with my music addiction.

Lot of thinking of the internal processes. And how it’s so hard to let go.
And why do I choose what I choose when my choices are making me crazy at times.

Like what is my reason to organize festival with the group who working method often really sucks.
Why I can’t let go off that.
Maybe next year I will.
Maybe.

My life is so empty, there is so little of fillers. So it’s hard to let go off those few things. So I need to fill my life more.
question remains, with what? What am I really interested about? And what if I’m not?

Been playig more with Korg’s iKaossilator, it updated so now the exporting of the “songs” is even easier.

I’ll leave to florianopolis today.
Travelling is always stressing for me.
I’m most excited that Sveta is coming in few days. Very happy to see her and be able to be in the same physical space.

SOS is in usual turbulence. I somehow wish that peple would just inform if they’re not coming, early.
Or then next year I could (or we) really keep the deposit deadline. Now I’m being too nice.
And yesterday I made some mistakes with checing who has payed and who not, thanks to people having very similar names. Well I hope everything is ok now.
I think there’s like 40 people who haven’t payed or informed anything… Luckily I took abut 130 people in on the beginning knowing that there will be cancellations.
well in one day I’ll throw everyone out who hasn’t payed or contacted me.

Nothing much.

There is so many interesting things, but I would so much rather talk about those than write, for now.
Like:
Russia and Putin (I wait for a new “terrorist” attack, to get people fall in line behind him)
Tibetan Buddhism, buddhism and esoterical stuff.
The world change, and maya’s
Social form of contact and what other options we could have?
Hierarchy in any society or “community”, when it’s good when it’s bad.
Politics and economical “crisis”, who the hell understands it, and it was rigged already in the beginning. We cannot think in means of continuous growth because we do live in limited resources.
Islam and other religions and would it actually be possible to have a real discussion with critisism without being racist immediatly?
How can we take out “god” as an reason, from people’s heads.

So a lot. All of those discussions like my writings will not lead to anything, eventually. But it’s ok.
UG Krishnaurti is fun, although, there is some conflicting material.
I have no other way of communication than the words. Yes I do.

Please do tell me

“You’re anti-social mayday mayday”

Well, I get anti social when I don’t really speak the language, when I’m too tired to trying to figure out what is taled about and what the hell is happening next. And specially when I say something and no one listens.

Find out that the workshop I though was surely going to happen is not sure. Trust trust. What my fears are attracting? But I didn’t have fear about that. I though it was sure. So when it isn’t yeah, slightly bit depressed.
Heard from brasil that the workshop I’m doing is not bringing as much money as they hope. Another pleasant surprise.
Money is money but for some reason we need it. Funny enough.
Actually what it brings is the sense in independence. I can eat what I want, I can go where I want. Of course it’s a false sense because eventually everything is interdependent, but at least it gives me more choices of what am I depended on. But the BSAS workshop are not really sure yet. So they will happen. Timing is just different here.

In two weeks I’ll be in airport and going to Brasil. And then the best news that after that in few days Sveta will be there as well. Now that is super.

Yesterday Autarco was leaving and already earlier on I had asked him if it would be possible to do a workshop in rosario, but then he was going to Uruguay. Unfortenutaly he’s lower back is so sore that he decided to skip the Uruguay (NSS workshop over there) and go back to Rosario and invited me to visit. So I thoght about intentions and such and asked again about the possibility of WS. Well.. of course with his back etc etc he can’t really organise it. Ok, so I gave up.
But I’m totally lost with this intention thing. How should it be? My intention is to teach but also come by with it. Like I need to eat, and I would like to choose what I eat. If I don’t say anything, nothing seems to come to me, if I say, I try to ask and suggest to people, nothing seems to come out of that either.

So my prayer stays. Where is my place and what is the thing that I’m supposed to do? And knowing buddhists. I know that there is nothing.
“But really there is nothing”
I know. And yet it would be nice every once in a while that there would be.

Elliott Smith is playing… Great stuff.

Yes I still hope that someone would come and tel me what to do. I understand well the dictatorships. Berlusconi, Putin etc.
What I want to do? To dance to teach, but I can’t seem to find a way…
I stop searching.
Not drifting.
Not flowing.

Oh yeah… If I didn’t mention it here. some stuff is over here now. It seems that because of instagram, iphone and wordpress software for it, viewtheday is dying out… but hey, let’s give it some time still.

Anyway after all of the complaining, I’ve met some very nice people and I have had not many dances per day but all of them nice ones.

Oh and from ibiza they asked if I could halp with the web pages again. And i kinda said yes.. but I think about it a bit still, because it will be for 3 festivals and they are not apying me anything… so.. I’m not sure do I want to go all 3 festivals anyway.

Sasha from moscow is here which is nice since.. well she’s nice. I try to sell myself to teach in moscow.
And for what reason? Well… I would like to go there anyway.
And I haven’t heard anything from Katja B yet and altay… let’s see.
I applied to Freiburg festival, they will answer on december.
And I talked with jenny to do another WS in freiburg maybe in march.

I don’t know. The ebst thing now is that Sveta is coming to Brasil as well. I’ve missed her a lot…
Well I still do. But now it’s not so much time.

Trust.

1 tale

Again I think I have lot to write and whe I come here and try to write I go blank or hesitating.

In Buenos Aires, for second week. Festin is over, had a lovely jams, classes and performances as well.
Today or tomorrow to Mar del PLata for Jamarazo, More dancing.
What is missing is my love who is in far far away.
Hoping that she will come to brasil but since neither one of us is really good on money it’s a bit unsure still.
I still haven’t won lottery and I don’t know why.

Anyway what has been interesting is again these internal processes and meeting with fear of getting cheated or left.
Last night she called me, but I didn’t hear the phone. I look at my phone 1 hour later but since we have a 5 hours difference she was already sleeping and didn’t hear the phone.
I feel my body shaking, trembling, this little shake inside even before I think of anything… the fear (and excitement) is already there.
Then I’m thinking.. what is it….
She’s coming to brasil
She’s not coming to brasil
She just wanted to hear my voice
She is leaving me.

And somehow the first though get rejected by fear of getting dissapointed if she’s not coming. The second wont make much sense because why she would call for that. The third doesn’t make so much sense either and funnily it’s the most probable one, but the fear hits get it’s teeth on the last one… And I know it would not make much sense… but somehow the cycle goes on… and I talk to few lovely people and I dance… but my physical being is affected all the time of the not knowing…
That there was somehting and I know that there is something but I don’t know what.
All these circles of fear…

And I don’t know where it really comes from.
It doesn’t come from her. It comes from me.

Finding that I don’t love myself, or at least I have a hard time to really trust and believe that someone really wants to be with me and just me. And how do I judge myself then? what should I be to be more lovable? I don’t know. But I’ve heard so many judgements around me. And they’re also true. I’m not an easy person, but will that make me less lovable?
I have a tendency to try out of those who say that they love me, do they really. Do they really also when I’m not nice and easy. And I’m not talking about romantic relationships only but also friendships.

All of this is just interesting.
All of it is related of course to jealousy.
And few people have said that I should go to therapy.. but… I doubt that. (well now days in finland I could only get private therapy anyway and that means again, money). I don’t see what therapist possibly could tell me.
And anyway… I notice myself changing. Not much, little, by little.

Because it’s true, my ideals are ideals. They cannot be achieved, and yet. I hope they can. But mainly what an’t be achieved is the certainty that the ideal can be achieved. that it is. I know that the ideal is possibility, but I can’t know will that possibility happen. What I can is to work towards that and in relationship, again, communicate clearly what are my ideals, are they common with the other, and can we both work towards that ideal.
I’ve been trying to do that. Now, it would be great if I could be adult and calm with all of this, without fear or being able to handle the fear. But.. I’m not that yet. I’m just a little better than 10 years ago. Little, but better.

It’s also one of my cycles to go somewhere, have other part of the relationship somewhere else, and then deal with all of these feelings. I’m getting better at that too… because now, I can be bit more open and enjoying what I have around me over here, eventhough she’s not here. And yet, she’s somehow here, with me, in me. And if I could trust, I would be at ease. Not yet, but getting there.

Over here, Been having few lovely performances. Been having lovely dances. Been meeting lovely people. And been used to somehow understand what is beig talked about, yet missing the most important point totally.
Somehow I feel glad that Sasha from Moscow is here and will be at Jamarazo. Also Sebastian has been nice to have here. But also the whole organization team plus other teachers have been really really great.

haven’t played much with kaossilator… somethings.
Found one realy nice (beginning of a ) song (of mine) on my computer… I hope I can get guitar on my hands sometime soon…

After Jamarazo there should be few workshops in BSAS and then I’ll go to floripa… where I won’t understand much again because of portugese I understand nothing.
But over there few workshops, and few performances and then xmas and change of a year. I just hope that Sveta can get over there.

On the back of my mind, like quite long time now, is still thoughs about home and a place to live and stay. Travelling is nice if you have home to return to, but when you don’t have home.. and just traveling.. uh.

Haven’t done much of Thai now, hope in mar del Plata I can do more. I will offer it.

At the same time I’ve been doing the registration of SOS. Festival is full. Now I’m waiting to see the cancellations.
last year there was a lot, but somehow this year I feel that there will not be so much. Some really lovely old people coming, and a lot of new ones as well. I hope Monika gets herself there.

What to write… Personal, unpersonal…

Ah.. One reason to have a home and steady job is music. From Marko I got Silversun Pickups and it’s great. I don’t know how I have missed them.

Also new stuff coming all the time… So home and time to listen would be welcome as well.

Ask me.

Please do tell me

Again..
I have so many things on my mind what to write about, and then when I’m here, on the computer, thinking of writing, I can’t think what to write about.

I think I wrote about knowledge earlier. Information is not knowledge, it’s symbols pointing to knowledge….
But then I think about history, and what else it is than books about what supposedly happened. How you embody something that happened hundreds of years ago. Yet it is knowledge, not very practical knowledge most of the time, but it might become practical. when thinking of sociology and how societies and humans act and work.

I was studying traditional thai massage for five days, the 1st level. There it’s very clear how all the knowledge need to be embodied. In few days I’ll make the 2nd level. Well the first level was quite easy because Sveta though me the sequence last summer pretty much through out. So now I didn’t need to concentrate on remembering so much but I could go more into details. Let’s see what happens with the second level.

I applied a grant to travel to argentina and brasil to perform and teach. I got it. So I’m going to BSAS for the festin, and then at least to transpelapractica at the end beginning of january. I was supposed to go to bahia but now I heard alarming news that the festival might not happen. If it won’t, it means that I have 8 weeks in between to make things, like workshops and performances. I’ve been writing to some people to work with me, but Argentina is a bit more free than my finnish head, so nothing 100% sure. Well nothing is 100% sure anyway.
The grant was just for the travel and it didn’t even cover the flights. So I hope I can make some workshops to earn some money and also that I could do some thai.

Over here is dolphinario. Somehow sad place. I’ve never been inside, but just looking from the outside, it’s so small. And then to think how large areas dolphins travel around. It’s a bit same as putting people into prison. well it’s actually completely the same, except you go to prison because usually you have done something. You go to dolphinario because some one catched you.
I met Anski and she was talking about chickens. She spent the summer in the country side and was telling how much chickens do. go around, take baths… a lot of things and lot of space. And then to think that most of our “food” chickens and the ones making eggs are in small cages not able to move much. Human being is sucha a horrible being. Because we treat living beings as things. And I’m a horrible being, since after knowingthis I still eat chicken.

Actually after ibiza fests I’ve been eating much more meat than in long time. It started over there, because both ecite and ICF had meat on their menu.

I’ve been taking quite some pictures and putting them up to instagr.am of course but also I found an easy program for wordpress updates so I started a new photoblog sinewaved. I try to keep it up for the whole of my travels. You can find it through darlingdear.

Again I’m into things. Luckily I do’t have money for them… But I found thin furons… like somehow the real ones. not the new ones. but thin, maybe 5cm matrasses filled with cotton. made in ukraine I think. supposedly cheap, but I don’t know how much flying with them would cost. And anyway. I have no home…

I’m sure there was something more, but later then.

Please do tell me

On my way from ibiza to berlin i wrote something on some phone app… But i leave it out for now.

Since instagram is only working on phones and since flickr has 200 pic ture limit on free version i just might put up another wp blog just for pictures. How ever it will not be under waveway.org but tathagatagarbha, just lile view the day (which i gaven’t updated much since starting to use instagram).

Materialism rules my world atm, want new bag (again) and more knives and loads of albums of course

Seems like i’ll be going to argentina and brasil, very soon, but more about that later.

“last trick i’ll do
Sound can be seen
This is the main title
Briefly shaking”
Anja Garbarek is brilliant.

Please do tell me

On the airport again.

Came from frieburg with the flight I took to be in helsinki on sunday (two weeks ago) night so to be ready in tapmpere on monday noon. Flight was late, then there was a thunderstorm in berlin and we went somewhere else. waited and fueled there for an hour and then went to berlin. Got a hotel night (why I’m always travelling alone when this happens) and was very very late in tampere without my bag because it didn’t arrive. Luckily they brought it to tampere on tuesday.

Rehearsed with Noora and Hanna for Hanna’s final work, a dance film.
It went nicely.
THen on monday ( a week ago) we went to the shooting location and met most of the filming crew. Stayed there on lovely old house with Noora and on tuesday we started filming.
It was so nice to work with people who know what they are doing and are doing it. In a enviroment where there is kind of hierarchy but it’s not about someone really being higher than other… so maybe not hierarchy but order of things. Where people are listening to each others and everyone is aiming to do their job as good as possible and still being open to hear other suggestions or ideas. Supernice people. And then of course the food that our producer got from this great vegetarian restaurant, really good food, every day of the shoots and always so much that we got our dinner as well with Noora (the ret of the crew wasn’t staying in the house)
And everything went well. Now I keep my fingers crossed that everything goes well with the development and transfer of the film. And thenit goes to the cutting board. and then… maybe in october(?) it will be ready. I’m very curious how it will look.
Great great people.

Otherwise been talking philosophy with Noora, Such a drag that I understand rationally but I can’t grasp it really… but then what is the difference between… Maybe I just think there is a difference and thus the difference exist. Myabe there is no difference.

How do I sense, perceive myself. What is perception, sensation without words to define it. Pain or pleasure.

Filled up the grant application and N&H read it through and helped to formulate some sentences better. Mailed it, and now I just wait what happens, if it goes through I’ll go to argentina and brasil. If it doesn’t go through… well then I have no idea. well some… But I think things change so easily. Sveta has been teaching me Thai and maybe I would like to study that more. traditional thai massage. So if not South America, maybe studying massage then. Who knows.

I’m entering to place and presence of people which is making me… nervous. I think that is the best word. But then It’s also a place of dance and I want to dance.

I’m also very very tired. Again I have a joyfull flight that is leaving at 5:30 from HKI to BNC and then at 23:10 from BNC to IBZ. Whole day in barcelona without any sleep.
Well maybe I sleep in the plane, and who needs sleep anyway? Well I do.

Work, work with dance, That is what I like, but I need people to work with me. Kollektive would be so nice.

It will come.

Please do tell me

In freiburg.

I had a super lovely week in danmark with 100 dancers. Great people, great time, great learning for myself. I’m so hapy that I went and so happy that I met all of you. Enjoying the labs, the time, the “performances”, the philosophical breakfasts, and the Great food of Tash.
I could wirte about it and our “performances” in lenght but I don’t feel to do it now. maybe later. Reason why I use ” ” around performances because it was not performance as such, it was also exploration, research.

Something is trying to tell me somthing. on the first day in the city I fell with the bike. Stupidly and now my skin is open again. My left wrist is rather bad.. But it will heal.

Cöpenhagen is a lovely city. just rather expensive. But I would like to spend more time over there.

After denmark I flew to frankfurt where I met Katya. It’s always lovely to meet good friends even if shortly. And what even better I had a really nice discussion with her boyfriend. I hope we will meet soon again. There seem to be lot I can learn and share.

Today I noticed that someone has apparently copied my visa electron. From my account has lifted around 300 Euros in moscow. and I haven’t been in moscow. So I deleted the card. Now the money is reserved from my account but if it really leaves, i need to go to police and then make a reclaim to the bank… probably I’ll get it back, but it doesn’t help me much now. Luckily, I’m not alone in this world.

Ok… I don’t push this. It seems I have a lot to write but I don’t want to push it out now…
Freiburg fest is starting today. I go and find apotek (pharmacy) to get something for my wrist and then over there.

Please do tell me

Nothing new.

In crimea, walking down to the path from the spring I was thinking how we have somehow perverted the knowing. In “modern” or post modern or at least in finnish society it seems that the knowledge is symboliced and the actual symbols have become a “the knowledge” eventhough they’re just symbols of knowledge. What do I mean. Theory and practise, you need both. How ever we seems to put more and more weight into theory, words, I love words. And yet the true knowledge is always physical experience. To make an operation well, yes it is to know how to make it, and basically reading a couple of books won’t do any harm, but it’s not only about the books. You actually need to do it. Take the scalpel and get down to work. We have taking the value of “true” knowledge from physical action and placed that value on “studying” books. And now we are “importing” workers from poland, estonia, russia, whatnot because A) they ask less money B) we don’t have enough of our own C) they (our own) are doing as bad work anyway. And why the (finnish) work is bad? Because the society has told for few decades that being a plumber is a shitty job that only dumb people do. So what do we get? A dumb plumber who is doing a shitty job. (No there must be good ones as well, but when I have listened discussions I’ve come to conclusion that if I would do the job well, and honest, I would have so much work as I could do, with minimal advertisement) Same goes almost to ANY other profession that actually needs real physical knowledge. Then again I’m making mistake here, because EVERY work need physical knowledge, after all all knowledge is physical. Only true knowledge is physical. and the tricky thing is that your only way to communicate is often symbolical (words) so pretty much always you’re just pointing towards to knowledge, not giving the knowledge itself.

Since having not much to do I’ve been reading a bit from internet and many things are rather interesting. Like free tibet, what if tibet was already freed, and now it needs to be freed again but by whom? After reading this, I’m not so sure the nobel price went to the right person back then when it went to dalai lama. Also IF that is buddhism, most of us should check our views again and again (and that’s what buddhism is, isn’t it, checking your views again and again, not getting fixed with it). And then it’s funny (somehow) when reading news like this that all of those women weren’t alive when the tibet was “free” and to read news like this, so we are getting the message of world peace from the leader of organisation which had probably thousands of slaves. Free whom, peace to whom, from whom?

Somehow internet is addictive, so I open a blog or smth.. I read, there’s link for giving me more background info, I click it, I read, there’s a link giving me more background info, I click it, I read, there’s a… and pretty soon I notice that I’m maybe 7 or 8 pages away from the original article I started to read…

But interesting stuff. This is specially interesting, although it’s not so clear what is it that got left out. And then, what it should be, but maybe the links it provides (which I haven’t read yet) give more info. This is also interesting, since vipassana meditation is the most common one in my ears as well and since I though that it has a long history, but no… on that blog there’s is loads of interesting things… but I haven’t verified the texts much yet. So what really is buddhism?

I clearly intrigued by buddhism and zen but at the same time… mm.. maybe I’m just hoping for purity. but we are humans so it’s quite saddening.. well, in a way, to read about money greed and sexual misconducts also in zen (for example this) and the fact that nothing was done is much more tragic. And since it’s buddhism it seems that… well hell. It seems that most of the “enlightened” teachers are fucking up people for good.. Then again if I think of modern society, people definitely need fucking up, but I’m not sure that actually physically fucking them helps much. Somehow I feel that within CI there’s a lot of the same thing, though, like it’s supposed to be so free that rarely people react. And somehow the responses are often same… “All people are grown ups and should be responsible of themselves. The sex has nothing to do other being a teacher and other a student”. Nevertheless other one is the teacher and thus have more power. To be a teacher and deny the role and the fact that people easily but you on the pedestal is being blind, in illusion, not disillusioned. Specially I see this behaviour unacceptable when the other one is just coming in to the society (wether it be “religion” or CI) there is own rules that newcomer doesn’t know, there’s different boundaries than in other facets of life. Of course it should be clear that everybody should take care of their own boundaries nevertheless, but it isn’t clear. You come into the new society because you want to belong, you want to be in (way too often), you want to know what it is about. That not knowing is so easily abused. That’s why any teacher should be extra thoughtful and careful about hers or his doings. Often abusing the newcomer result the newcomer not coming anymore, and that as bad thing as the abuse (specially in case of buddhism because you have turned someone away from dharma). So dissapointing in a way but at the same time good that at least now there is discussion and study about the issue. If I have understood right, one of the reasons why touch and play festival was started was exactly to bring more discussion about this aspect as well.

Any my own revelations. No, not really. I’ve been reading moon in a dewdrop and that man is insane… he is of course enlightened, what ever that means…

Ah… being in crimea and quite a lot of time I was given Virginia Woolfs The Waves to read. I Haven’t read any Woolfs earlier although I have heard something about her. After reading The Waves I’m pretty sure she was enlightened, she was also mad, and killed herself. Then again how often people who are brilliant are mad… or Like Alan Watts and alcohol. If he truly believed and felt what he preached, why the extensive use of alcohol? Anyway, back to the point. The Waves is beautiful. It’s slightly challenging for me because I’m not a native english speaker, so some expressions I miss, but nevertheless. Specially few things what Bernard (one character) says stick to my mind. One is that he is not only Bernard but also Jinny, Louis, Rhoda, Susan and Neville. And other where he tells how the flower becomes full by all of them seeing it… I see one facet, you another… Anyway all of this is pretty useless, rather: Read the Book.

Maybe there was something else?
Well… No, mebbe not. Except I noticed only now that She Said Destroy made another album already on 2008, and I didn’t have it, which is weird since Time Like Vines (2006) was one of my favourites. I heard the new one, now I have to get it. It seems that after that band has been on hiatus. About 3 months ago got Blut Aus Nord‘s 777-Scet(s) and that one is bloody brilliant. So now I got pretty much all of their back catalog (internet is rather amazing) and this means that when ever I get the extra money I know where it goes. I haven’t listened the back catalog so throughout yet, but there is definitely nice stuff there. Listening music a bit more now. But again I’ve been avoiding the new album of my favourite band, Ulver. I’ll listen to it soon since I get the orginal on this week when I get back to finland.

AH yes, I missed Moscow CI festival since I was told that I can get the visa for russia from kiev, but it turns out that in order to do that I need to have residency here and that I cannot get easily. So no moscow… darn. But now I get my tooth fixed over here which is nice. I could write about spending money on things that I don’t need, but maybe I do it later…

mm.. maybe I mention this photoblog here. This far all the pics have been taken on my phone which has serious limitations. Anyway I put it up to motivate me to take pictures nevertheless. I do wish to get good compact camera at some point. Let’s see.

I’ve been also building up “new” darlingdear.net version but it’s not up yet, and it’s not so different from the last one… but at the same time I hope I get some more photos updated.
Doing nothing.

Please do tell me

What I’ve been thinking.

Here was a fire, a few weeks ago. They said that beekeeper started it, but a many people over here don’t believe it’s true. Here is people who want to build up this island… but where is forest you can’t. When there’s no forest you can. And true. If I think how fast it was all over. I think even if one fire started from the poor beekeeper it was not the only one. Some one else started fires as well. Maybe.

Driving over the north. If they cut the trees they’re fucked. The earth here is sand, no clear rock. even the rock shatteres. When you have no roots to hold the earth together.. it will go with the water.
Such a clear sensation, at some time this will not be. There will be time when this is not.

If you ever walk on hills where there’s no trails. or for some reasn you walk where there’s no trails. you will always find that the easiest way to get up (or down) is where the water run. Waterways. since we are water and animals too. we run the same trails. up down. And when we make a trail… when the rain comes it will follow our trail. we are the same. water and me. water and us.

My mother the earth, My father the ocean.

I was writing to a friend… maybe I copy.. to save me the trouble. But no. I will not copy.
But something about the story of Ursula K. Le Guin about a tree. that is not so good. And me reading Dogen how mountains walk. Then running in a landscape ad understanding that it’s not me running through the landscape, landscape is running through me.

Another thing. I think I though this before. But do not remember did I try to write it.
In the beginning was a word.
You see in a way that is creation. Everytime I identify a pillow as a pillow I create the pillow. everytime I understand tree as a tree I create a tree. We are creating this world around us all the time. And yet. It’s there all the time anyway. But It’s true. It’s all chaos, beautiful chaos horrible chaos. but if we let it be chaos it’s not beatiful or horrible or chaos, it is. And when I stop creating, maybe I stop. and it’s so hard. Remember how you felt as a baby.
Now, j’st if you know how babies feel. I create my feelings by naming them and yet.
I create me by naming me.
So truly if creation (of order) is a god, god is a word.

But I think god is. no words.
think god is. words.
god is. no
is.

Longing ot be understood. So I become’s being. I am separate so I need to communicate. If I exists not, as a separate entity. who is that needing to communicate with whom?
As long as I’m writing these words or saying I exist.
What if the point of art is not to communicate but go to the place beyond communication.
what is not possible to communicate.
Then us, sitting in the audience, with question or wish: ofer me something, give something to chew on, entertain me. Lost. If there was nothing to be entertained, nothing to be communicated. If I could, If we could just be, there. present.
And you know when it happens.
Condensed. Time space reality.

It’s so nice how I (or we) conceptualise things. that there is time and there is space and those two are separate.
At this form, now. time and space are one. And yet quantumphysics tell us that one thing is in two places at same time. so time ties them together. When something happens over here it also happens over there. because if it doesn’t, they’re two separate things. Is this right? I think quantum physics have gone over the world of words.

There was a story on coming community… that is from kabbalah I think. about four rabbis going to the world of words… or maybe I don’t remember right. I need to read it again. I love that book.

Pure water.
We will miss it.

5 tales

No, I tell a lie.

There is no wrong or right anyway.
Except that there is and we know it.

Sometimes I think of vikings. I heard that they had a… err… habit.. custom that sometimes when they plunged the village they killed the babies so that they put spears on a ground, edges pointing up. and then they threw a baby up in the air… and apparently babies usually laugh when flying and then they came down…

And what was the idea behind this. It seems cruel… but cruelty is totally tied with the view of the world… They died laughing… and somehow if I think of my late grandmother and her last 3-5 years, they were rather cruel as well… in a … I don’t even know the english word. something between old people’s home and hospital…

So right wrong is tied with learned attitudes and behaviours..
What would be wrong..
Why does something feel more right, some more wrong?

Feel.

I think about holistic personal training… but I know that I lack something in every section. but maybe it’s the combination, I can’t be perfect with everything
What is perfect anyway?

When talking with non-defined words you can always deny everything, how handy is that.

Today I was learning a bit of thai massage, I think I could do massages easily. I just need a bit more trust in myself.
Steffi was telling me to love myself and of course she’s completely right.
It’s just hard that… funny enough… when not even knowing what am I

I know that everything is perfect.
I just don’t always feel it.
Where is my place in this?

2 tales

“Did you see her walking
did she come around here, sir…”

I don’t know why that song is in my head now.

Broke a tooth. One broken earlier.
Silly me, doesn’t take care of me.
Went to the dentist.
He suggested crowns and pins and needles and bill of 1300€
Such a lot of fun.

“So you’re suffering. I know it hurts a lot if it’s the first time.
Whenever I begin, make sure to keep my empathy inside.”

I’m no adult come to help me. Well well. So I need to make 1300? I have no job and more importantly I have no bloody idea what I can do. What can I do? teach CI, dance, mediocrily (I bet that is not a word).
Anybody giving me money for it? No, yes, but a little. Nevertheless I appreciate hugely all of you lovely people who have organized my workshops around, and actually maybe couple of good workshops would cover my teeth. Anybody wants one? a workshop I mean. I have one in ibiza starting tomorrow, two times a week for three weeks but somehow I think I won’t make money out of it. unfortunately. A bit, but not much. Last year was better me think.

So I was thinking this same. What can I do that people would give money for it. more or less. And Lo! Stefano from mallorca is here (he was also in SOS this year) and he gave me a working title: holistic personal trainer. So instead of just doing few abbs and dabbs and whatnot, I can help you to construck your life totally. If you feel that you need help for this, of course. Of course after having a few existential conversations with me you might feel even more loss.. or then not… but nevermind. I’ll help you reorganize, question your values and reveal you hidden conditionings. I know because I know most of mine. have I got rid of them? Hell no, but hey. maybe you can even if I don’t. And I can but only by letting I go so who can?

I’m tired of myself, so who is tired of whom?
I love myself so who loves who?
I love the conditions of my life?
Or is it something… mmm deeper. (deeper is a wrong word, since deep is often oh so very shallow)
I have a need to be good and healthy and survive and success.
health is the most clearest one, so why I don’t take better care of myself?
Good is so totally relative that we can spend ages just t figure out what the good means at the moment and since we use ages it’s gone already.
Success is the same. succes in what how where to whom.
Do I feel succesfull. No I don’t.
Where do I need to succeed?
I have no idea but I recognize that the need is there.
More money bigger car beautiful house and wife and children. And then what? what it all has to do with me?
Nothing. So who is me in the first place and what the hell is suucess.

But I know I would like to be on the stage a bit more. but I can’t get myself there. Stage. But no one will employ me unless they see me in the stage first. maybe not even then. Why do I want to be in the stage, to be watched? I do not know. But improvising feels good to me.

They asked once themselves: what do I teach when I teach contact improvisation.

But really there’s nothing.
Yet everything is.
Isn’t it wonderful.
How we can be so bored and unpreciative towards all of this.

I was told that sometimes people need to pay money in order to appreciate it. We were talking about guru’s and money.
And I say, but if you really want to change something, why would you charge for money.
Because a person who need to give money in order to appreciate the beauty of a flower doesn’t apprecite the beauty of the flower, but the prie tag that someone put onto it. So if I wish that people would apreaciate the beaty of the flower, how could I ask money for it, them getting/seeing/hearing the flower. If they don’t appreciate it as it is, they don’t get it anyway. Money won’t help….
But maybe, after all, Man named UG (I haven’t read much, just a bit) is right and everything boils down to money in this world. There’s nothing except the illusion. That tells me that buddhist (some of them) are right after all. WE live in illusion. I do. My teeth are broken and I worry about the money how much it’ll cost to fix. So I worry my health (again), would I worry if it wouldn’t cost so much? Good question.
Things boil down to money…
So then I am said… if they (guru’s) shouldn’t ask money should they be silent. I think it might be much much better. and I might think that if you truly wasn’t there would be no you to care about money. so also no taking it. Everything I can give is for free. But then, now, I need money. So I rather think, what do I have to give that would be seen as worth of money.
Could I do an exchage with the dentist. Few good bodyworks for tooth?
Money is a symbol of that exchange. So is it real after all.

You see, I’m perfect holistic personal trainer. I’m even more fluent when just speaking.

Last night I saw a dream where I was in my grandmothers summer cottage. There’s two houses and we were sitting kind of in the middle, having a dinner. I don’t remember exactly who. I look at the lake and the waves are rather big. We keep talking. waves get bigger. And then there’s a wave that comes over the treetops. washing us away… I run towards the old house.. and then towards my cousin (?) and then I wake up…
I though that my grandmother had dies. And Lo! Today there’s a message that my grandmother has died last night. But at least 4-6 hourse before I saw the dream. She had been demented a long time. So we expected this and I waited for this. Finally she’s in rest.

I saw two other dreams that were so clear… and do I remember them? no I don’t.

My beautiful leah..

Please do tell me

Unfortenutaly I can’t remember the artist of this piece.

In ibiza. Trying to find things but there is something wrong with me then I think. I find nothing, I don’t really see the pathways to proceed.
It’s nothing new really…
Somehow I feel it’s connected with typical finnish… errr modesty or honesty. Like can I teach yoga? No I can’t. Can I do massages. Yes I can, but….
can I pick fruits? Of course. Have you done it? err… not so much…
The truth is that I haven’t really worked a lot. In railways, kindergardens and as a dancer and teacher.
But what can I teach? well now, that is a good question.

I’m doing a CI workshop in la Nave, let’s see how people will find it.

I’m looking for a scooter and funnily they all are super expensive. (600€)
And I’m probably here only for a month or so… well… I had an idea to be here till 100 Dancers, but now… I’m thinking of somehow getting myself to Meganom and Moscow… All of this means that No money for the july… but then I don’t know would there be money here either. Money money money…. Do I need money… do we need money?
It has just gotten out of porportions. Because money is not totally bad thing. Most of us we like to get something back when we give something. Funny enough. But somehow we have forgotten that money is only a sign of common exchange. Ok. I’m bored of this already.
But I just wish that all of those opposing money would tell me how to do it then…

How the change comes?
How do I change?

5 tales

So here.

Not knowing much. Practising of not knowing. SInce I don’t know much anywhere else either.
Things will come along. and if they don’t I do. Or who does.

Clear sense that I should meditate much more… discipline… I am bad with discipline.

Somehow the less I write the harder it is to write. What to write about.

Days are going easily onwards, strolling. Doing something with plants… right now taking them down.
Started on a spoon but not knowing will I finish.
Slight loking for a house, but I’m not disciplined with that either.
Or looking for work…

But I don’t have worry right now… What should I worry about. I could, but right now I have everything, so what should I worry about?

Throw some coins. Throw some dices. Pick some cards.

Now I should concentrate on the future though.
Application to make… so print out read out write out print out send out.

Less sense I make the better it can be.

Please do tell me

I tried to find Watts’ the way of zen as pdf. No can do. I have it in finnish though but I don’t want to translate the stuff that’s been on my mind. However the book is easily find as an audio. So here is the little quite.

Take it easy, I say.
Cat Power says “You are Free”
And truly, we are.

Please do tell me

So now.

What was I going to tell?
That nothing much changes around here.

No room no flat no house.

So back in finlandia…
From Russia where teaching was nice, but the country is heavy.
In metro both St. Peter and Moscow are all the time anouncements that “if you see anyone suspicious, please inform the officers”. In every train station you go trhough metal detectors. and in domestic flights they’re very tight as well.
SO you can’t trust your citizens, should you look about your innerpolitics then. For some reason that I can’t really tell or even know I felt St Peter specially heavy. as a city, as an atmosphere. The people I met in the workshop and who I know from there already are lovely… but something in that city is heavy and making me aggressive… I felt that even when I was coming back… I was there only 6 hours with delightful company of Anja, but I feel the city…
And somehow I would have expected that moscow would have been more heavier… but no.. Who knows. things changes we feel what we feel.

There’s been a long time… Before that I was teaching in Freiburg. Lovely town. Lovely space to teach and lovely people on the workshop and lovely host who’s lovely roommate was out for the weekend and lended me her bike. Biking is great. The city is nice sized. I started to wonder what the hell I’m doing in finland anyway and why did I choose what I chose. Did I chose? Everytime I see full moon I think of her, but then, to think “what if” about past is useless. To think about “what if” about future is not so useless… but there’s not so much point either.

So what now?

Pretty soon I’ll go to ibiza. what there? something…
What then? I’ll go to kiev festival
And then? I’ll go back to ibiza…

So what I’ve been thinking lately?
Why I need to buy things when I don’t even have home where to use those things
Enlightment and how we all are illuminated already, eventhough we do not sense it.

I’ve read “zen mind, beginners mind” by shunrye suzuki.
I’m reading “moon on a dew drop” by dögen…
And I’m reading echart tolle the power of now.
Tolle is surprisingly nice, although he is making some “mistakes” in his explanation… But the practicality of his approach, just to be at the present moment, is very nice… since I lack the dicipline to sit in zazen every day.
But in many ways from all these books I still recommend the most Alan Watts’ the Book. He is so very clear and empathic and even humoristic.

Musicwise, well more drone/ambience… I can’t really tell so clearly anything… New album coming from Ulver. so I should be happy and probably when I hear it I’ll be more than… Listened Colosseums first album and it’s good. It’s very good. Found some nice black metal as well. which is somehow not so serious.. or maybe it is.. but song names like “rosewater cake” doesn’t sound too evil for me. And HAH just now when I check it’s the same members as in Velvet Cacoon so No bloody wonder why it’s so good. Darn I need to get these.
Also TotalSelfHatred‘s first one is good. maybe the rest them as well but haven’t listened them yet. And since we’re on blackmetal, of course the latest one from Deathspell Omega is good, but hey, what else it could be. One more balck metal thing I got long time ago but haven’t mentioned is Cold Body Radiation‘s The Great White Emptiness, rather nice if I remember right. But lately…
well couple last days Ive been listening the Cardigans’ “first band on the moon” and it’s blody great… somehow in the time I “found” The Cardigan’s I never got into that album… but it’s as brilliant as Emmerdale and Life. great great great. listen Step On Meor Losers. Great great great.
Old albums, but so good… Also listened Emmerdale again and Over the Water and Rise & Shine just make me cry from joy… they’re so great.

Within an hour registration for Freiburg festival opens. I think I’ll sign up, eventhough right now i’m not 100% sure I’ll go. Just today I was checking festivals for the summer… there is but I have no idea where I’ll go except ECITE and ETIC are pretty sure.

Yesterday I saw Noora after a while and today I danced with Ilona and chatted with Katja. I’m so glad that there is such a persons in my life. And they’re not the only ones. Oh how Lucky I am.

There’s things I want to work with.
Do I really.

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, too tired to check them now.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

Picture from can masdeu, quite a few years ago.

I’ve been meaning to write.
About airbaltic, about monopot->rally->summen.
But I haven’t.

I will, in due time, maybe. Who knows.

Nothing really happens, I get nothing much done. I’ll lose this place to live, but not quite yet.

One festival started. Sidestep festival in helsinki. Dance. Went to see 3 pieces. And two of them were good, the last, made by Kati was brilliant. I enjoyed a lot. Entertaiment? maybe? Art? Maybe? but it didn’t even make me think about these definitions. so good. really good.

Been updating Goa In Touch festival site. I hope they have good second festival there, I heard first one was blast.

Another festival coming up soon. Skiing On Skin. And funny enough this year it isn’t full booked. instead of 110 we have 100. 10 places free. But I don’t wonder why. As an organisation we have been quite spread out. more than ever. And lacking a lot of people in the end. Let’s see what will happen next year, or will it.

Plans… No plans. I have some.
There’s uneasiness inside of me, about the future, about now. I don’t get anything done, but I’m not bored. just tired. Most of this seems useless as it is. But at the same time it’s such a fun. Bodily I haven’t been feeling too well. There’s all the time something bit… off, not right clear. but so little that I know that doctors couldn’t do a thing. In Ukraine I ate really badly.. I try to correct myself here, but not so easy. Still loads of pistachious (which wasn’t and isn’t the worst). I don’t know what it is. What I know is that I haven’t moved enough, danced enough. Practise with Panu has been a good addition, but not enough.

Life or the future is so unclear, but I’m not anxious about it yet, but maybe, a bit uneasy.

Planning a “piece” for a tram because Maija darling asked me to do it with her. A plan, A better plan, questioning, another plan. Simplify simplify simplify. Still reading Alan Watts’ The Book On Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are It affects me a lot, although I know all of this, but he has a such a clear, precise and down to earth way of writing. I really enjoy. Just follow some of the links. I’m not sure is it free, but it seems to be only book by him that is floating around for free, so I hope his copyright owners keep this book floating free. Anyway this helps simplifying, we come back and back to the same question, what is important.

I still remember spending hours on phone leaning on the wall trying to find right answer for her to this question.

Yesterday, I was (again) up too late, and instead of going to sleep I, for some reason, opened a site of firebox, a finnish record label and store. And there was an album by Colosseum. Me remembering, hey, one of my old friends is the lead figure of this band. I haven’t heard from him in years. I open it… and I read that he has dies in may 2010. I seach the net trying to find how? But can’t find anything. Does it really matter? No, not really. He is gone. I think he was one of the most musically talented persons I’ve ever met. I remember, long long time ago, in a bar, him explaining to me how there is beauty in misery/suffering…
Melancholia.

The title of this post comes from song by Nirvana.

Who am I?
All nothing all
It would be nice to write about this, but I think Alan all of this so clearly in his book, that there’s no use to double his words. I couldn’t be as clear anyway.

I don’t know.

Please do tell me

Picture from Purnu 2009 (I guess) Art piece by Terike Haapoja.

So more sharing of texts that are not mine.
This is from Chuang-tzu, The Inner Chapters translated by A.C.Graham. Notable though that this piece is not exactly from Inner Chapters. On Grahams translation there is a considerable amount of outer chapters as well. They are also quite clearly divided, so if you’re really interested I recommend this translation much more than the Feng&English one that I mention in earlier post.

When Chuang-tzu’s wife died, Hui Shih came to condole. As for Chuang-tzu, he was squatting with his knees out, drumming on a pot and singing.
“When you have lived with someone”, said Hui Shih, “and brought up children, and grown old together, to refuse to bewail her death would be bad enough, but to drum on a pot and sing – could there be anything more shameful?”
“Not so: When she first died, do you suppose that I was able not to feel the loss? I peered back into her beginnings; there was a time before there was a life. Not only was there no life, there was a time before there was a shape. Not only was there no shape, there was a time before there was the energy. Mingled together in the amorphous, something altered, and there was the energy; by alteration in the energy there was the shape, by alteration of the shape there was the life. Now once more altered she has gone over to death. This is to be companion with spring and autumn, summer and winter, in the procession of the four seasons. When someone was about to lie down and sleep in the greatest of mansions, I with my sobbing knew no better than to bewail her. The thought came to me that I was being uncomprehending towards destiny, so I stopped” (Chuang-tzu, chapter 18)

Please do tell me