I tried to find Watts’ the way of zen as pdf. No can do. I have it in finnish though but I don’t want to translate the stuff that’s been on my mind. However the book is easily find as an audio. So here is the little quite.
Take it easy, I say.
Cat Power says “You are Free”
And truly, we are.
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So now.
What was I going to tell?
That nothing much changes around here.
No room no flat no house.
So back in finlandia…
From Russia where teaching was nice, but the country is heavy.
In metro both St. Peter and Moscow are all the time anouncements that “if you see anyone suspicious, please inform the officers”. In every train station you go trhough metal detectors. and in domestic flights they’re very tight as well.
SO you can’t trust your citizens, should you look about your innerpolitics then. For some reason that I can’t really tell or even know I felt St Peter specially heavy. as a city, as an atmosphere. The people I met in the workshop and who I know from there already are lovely… but something in that city is heavy and making me aggressive… I felt that even when I was coming back… I was there only 6 hours with delightful company of Anja, but I feel the city…
And somehow I would have expected that moscow would have been more heavier… but no.. Who knows. things changes we feel what we feel.
There’s been a long time… Before that I was teaching in Freiburg. Lovely town. Lovely space to teach and lovely people on the workshop and lovely host who’s lovely roommate was out for the weekend and lended me her bike. Biking is great. The city is nice sized. I started to wonder what the hell I’m doing in finland anyway and why did I choose what I chose. Did I chose? Everytime I see full moon I think of her, but then, to think “what if” about past is useless. To think about “what if” about future is not so useless… but there’s not so much point either.
So what now?
Pretty soon I’ll go to ibiza. what there? something…
What then? I’ll go to kiev festival
And then? I’ll go back to ibiza…
So what I’ve been thinking lately?
Why I need to buy things when I don’t even have home where to use those things
Enlightment and how we all are illuminated already, eventhough we do not sense it.
I’ve read “zen mind, beginners mind” by shunrye suzuki.
I’m reading “moon on a dew drop” by dögen…
And I’m reading echart tolle the power of now.
Tolle is surprisingly nice, although he is making some “mistakes” in his explanation… But the practicality of his approach, just to be at the present moment, is very nice… since I lack the dicipline to sit in zazen every day.
But in many ways from all these books I still recommend the most Alan Watts’ the Book. He is so very clear and empathic and even humoristic.
Musicwise, well more drone/ambience… I can’t really tell so clearly anything… New album coming from Ulver. so I should be happy and probably when I hear it I’ll be more than… Listened Colosseums first album and it’s good. It’s very good. Found some nice black metal as well. which is somehow not so serious.. or maybe it is.. but song names like “rosewater cake” doesn’t sound too evil for me. And HAH just now when I check it’s the same members as in Velvet Cacoon so No bloody wonder why it’s so good. Darn I need to get these.
Also TotalSelfHatred‘s first one is good. maybe the rest them as well but haven’t listened them yet. And since we’re on blackmetal, of course the latest one from Deathspell Omega is good, but hey, what else it could be. One more balck metal thing I got long time ago but haven’t mentioned is Cold Body Radiation‘s The Great White Emptiness, rather nice if I remember right. But lately…
well couple last days Ive been listening the Cardigans’ “first band on the moon” and it’s blody great… somehow in the time I “found” The Cardigan’s I never got into that album… but it’s as brilliant as Emmerdale and Life. great great great. listen Step On Meor Losers. Great great great.
Old albums, but so good… Also listened Emmerdale again and Over the Water and Rise & Shine just make me cry from joy… they’re so great.
Within an hour registration for Freiburg festival opens. I think I’ll sign up, eventhough right now i’m not 100% sure I’ll go. Just today I was checking festivals for the summer… there is but I have no idea where I’ll go except ECITE and ETIC are pretty sure.
Yesterday I saw Noora after a while and today I danced with Ilona and chatted with Katja. I’m so glad that there is such a persons in my life. And they’re not the only ones. Oh how Lucky I am.
There’s things I want to work with.
Do I really.
Sorry for the spelling mistakes, too tired to check them now.
Good night and good luck to you all.
Picture from can masdeu, quite a few years ago.
I’ve been meaning to write.
About airbaltic, about monopot->rally->summen.
But I haven’t.
I will, in due time, maybe. Who knows.
Nothing really happens, I get nothing much done. I’ll lose this place to live, but not quite yet.
One festival started. Sidestep festival in helsinki. Dance. Went to see 3 pieces. And two of them were good, the last, made by Kati was brilliant. I enjoyed a lot. Entertaiment? maybe? Art? Maybe? but it didn’t even make me think about these definitions. so good. really good.
Been updating Goa In Touch festival site. I hope they have good second festival there, I heard first one was blast.
Another festival coming up soon. Skiing On Skin. And funny enough this year it isn’t full booked. instead of 110 we have 100. 10 places free. But I don’t wonder why. As an organisation we have been quite spread out. more than ever. And lacking a lot of people in the end. Let’s see what will happen next year, or will it.
Plans… No plans. I have some.
There’s uneasiness inside of me, about the future, about now. I don’t get anything done, but I’m not bored. just tired. Most of this seems useless as it is. But at the same time it’s such a fun. Bodily I haven’t been feeling too well. There’s all the time something bit… off, not right clear. but so little that I know that doctors couldn’t do a thing. In Ukraine I ate really badly.. I try to correct myself here, but not so easy. Still loads of pistachious (which wasn’t and isn’t the worst). I don’t know what it is. What I know is that I haven’t moved enough, danced enough. Practise with Panu has been a good addition, but not enough.
Life or the future is so unclear, but I’m not anxious about it yet, but maybe, a bit uneasy.
Planning a “piece” for a tram because Maija darling asked me to do it with her. A plan, A better plan, questioning, another plan. Simplify simplify simplify. Still reading Alan Watts’ The Book On Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are It affects me a lot, although I know all of this, but he has a such a clear, precise and down to earth way of writing. I really enjoy. Just follow some of the links. I’m not sure is it free, but it seems to be only book by him that is floating around for free, so I hope his copyright owners keep this book floating free. Anyway this helps simplifying, we come back and back to the same question, what is important.
I still remember spending hours on phone leaning on the wall trying to find right answer for her to this question.
Yesterday, I was (again) up too late, and instead of going to sleep I, for some reason, opened a site of firebox, a finnish record label and store. And there was an album by Colosseum. Me remembering, hey, one of my old friends is the lead figure of this band. I haven’t heard from him in years. I open it… and I read that he has dies in may 2010. I seach the net trying to find how? But can’t find anything. Does it really matter? No, not really. He is gone. I think he was one of the most musically talented persons I’ve ever met. I remember, long long time ago, in a bar, him explaining to me how there is beauty in misery/suffering…
Melancholia.
The title of this post comes from song by Nirvana.
Who am I?
All nothing all
It would be nice to write about this, but I think Alan all of this so clearly in his book, that there’s no use to double his words. I couldn’t be as clear anyway.
I don’t know.
Picture from Purnu 2009 (I guess) Art piece by Terike Haapoja.
So more sharing of texts that are not mine.
This is from Chuang-tzu, The Inner Chapters translated by A.C.Graham. Notable though that this piece is not exactly from Inner Chapters. On Grahams translation there is a considerable amount of outer chapters as well. They are also quite clearly divided, so if you’re really interested I recommend this translation much more than the Feng&English one that I mention in earlier post.
When Chuang-tzu’s wife died, Hui Shih came to condole. As for Chuang-tzu, he was squatting with his knees out, drumming on a pot and singing.
“When you have lived with someone”, said Hui Shih, “and brought up children, and grown old together, to refuse to bewail her death would be bad enough, but to drum on a pot and sing – could there be anything more shameful?”
“Not so: When she first died, do you suppose that I was able not to feel the loss? I peered back into her beginnings; there was a time before there was a life. Not only was there no life, there was a time before there was a shape. Not only was there no shape, there was a time before there was the energy. Mingled together in the amorphous, something altered, and there was the energy; by alteration in the energy there was the shape, by alteration of the shape there was the life. Now once more altered she has gone over to death. This is to be companion with spring and autumn, summer and winter, in the procession of the four seasons. When someone was about to lie down and sleep in the greatest of mansions, I with my sobbing knew no better than to bewail her. The thought came to me that I was being uncomprehending towards destiny, so I stopped” (Chuang-tzu, chapter 18)
I think I have a lot to write, but then, when I finally get here, to write, I have nothing coherent in my mind.
Updated wordpress. Since not being able to work, doing somethings that are close, but not quite, soon.
Having shopping frenzy again. I need to move from the flat I’m living. That’s ok, except I don’t want to. My life has been, yes, way too easy and now it’s becoming a bit harder. If I want to stay in Helsinki, a lot harder, but then again. I don’t really want to stay in helsinki do I. Or more pointedly, I don’t want to stay in finland so much do I?
Then again. If I was offered, or being able to find a job which I really liked, I think I wouldn’t mind so much where I’ll stay. But of course, it’s never the job, the enviroment, the people, it’s all together. That’s it, that’s not.
Earlier on, I wrote about Chuang-Tz û, well not much but just that I got the book. I was talking something about this in Mirva’s place and she had another version, translation, of the book (chinese->english). It’s nice to read them both side to side. It seems that the one she has, translated by Feng & English, is more easily read and understood, but at the same time to me feels like it’s making some curves rather straight. The one I have, translated by Graham, is more difficult to understand, but at the same time has more subleties. Remember english is not my native language. I don’t really know which one I prefer, and that’s why it’s so nice to have them both at hand. Well, now I’m reading onwards with just the Graham one since it’s small. Feng&English one is beautiful with pictures and all, but not really for travelling. So I was quoting something from the book yesterday and Tarzan told me that sounds like “Tales of Power” by Castaneda. Well he borrowed me the book (Castaneda) before I left so of course he’s connecting it to that one. But anyway, most… uh.. teachings (?, in search of a better word) are the same everywhere. Which bring my mind again to mention how stupid I feel for buddhists who keep arguing that Jesus wasn’t a buddha. It’s excatly so bloody western, with it’s “almost but not quite”, not seeing that making that difference we drift farher away. Who is to say who is or was buddha? But this is old news.
Anyway, reading Chuang-Tsû made me think about freedom. Long long time ago I told R that we are free to do whatever we are physically capable. Society confronts us with rules and restrictions, but we are still free. It’s just that with this freedom comes responsibility, consequences. So it’s not the society itself that put’s us to the cage, we do it ourselves. And personally I put myself into the cage because I am afraid. So what I am afraid of? Pain, hurt, wrong. So what is pain, what is hurt, and what on earth is wrong? I am afraid of death. And yet just on previous post I said that I want a release from this, redemption. Why am I afraid of death? All and all I come to this conclusion, to be free is to be without fear of anything. To not see life and death as separate thing but the same. It’s the same thing. Where it comes, great urge to keep on living?
Which bring me back to shopping frenzy. Ordered the Feng&English version of Chuang-Tsu. Got a toy for mixing music, I hope Marko is having fun with it, while I’m away. Got a good kitchen knife, now I just need a kitchen. A new bag. And got 9 boxes for vinyl, unfortenutaly they were bit smaller than I though, so all my ready made piles were too big for them… and I needed to take few albums away from every pile… basically I need to do most of sorting all over again. And I would like to have more things, like another knife, and… well iThouch would be nice. Plus there is always more albums. Oijoi.
Oh yeah. I had a long story about the incompetence of Airbaltic. but I will not write it right now.
Was that all?
On monday.. no, I tell a lie. On tuesday I was walking to my friend Maija.
Not feeling really so well, like I haven’t for a while now. And I come up from the metro to sörnäinen and there is always drunks, or people who (ab)use some kind of drugs. I’m on the escalator going up, one party above me, another party coming down and he greets her “Fuck you”. And I think, why am I so miserable, am I so miserable? Why should I be?
And I come out and cross the street and see this older man, and I just think that I want a release from this. To think to have these upsanddowns for so many years. I want a release from this. And it bring back a memory from late night in barcelona and b.i.d.e. when Noriko tells me that (to her) it looks like my body is searching for satori. And I think she translates it as release, but at the same time it’s not a exactly release. And she says my body but in japanese they don’t separate body and mind.
I tell this to Maija and she encourages me by saying that I’m going towards that.
I get a letter and…
So I’m still totally bound in the evaluations of the world, or what I think as that. I’m not succesful. And that what I am is not enough, because I can’t do anything useful to make a lot of money. I can’t even do anything to keep on living like I would like. And no, it’s not about money. That is not about money because if I can do what I like and feel drive to I don’t need so much money out of that (I’ve wrote this millions of times over here I think), but if I do something that I don’t like… then.. uh..
And yet, I think I lack the drive. Only thing, that I really feel I’m good at is CI and talking, in both of them I have limitations. And I don’t know how to find my place so that I could live from those two. I love music, but I’m not very good playing it.
Today I asked Maija, how do you know happiness? “When you feel that you’re in the right place”. And I remember what she told me a month ago, how she felt.
And I remember my old old poem, that I wrote when R left me the first time.
Yes, to feel that this is my place. This is where I (and now comes the important word:) belong.
I’m longing, not belonging.
With Valeria I always felt that she immediatly found her place. And I was always left out. And I couldn’t get in, to find my place around her, with her.
Enlightment. But enlightement doesn’t take suffering away, I think. There is this story about a young monk, and his fellow students hear that he has been enlightened. So they run to him and ask: Is it true, is it true that you’re enlightened? Yes. Well how do you feel? As miserable as ever.
What bothers me greatly in Diamond Way is their claim that only with their way of buddhism is possible to gain enlightment in one lifetime.. How the hell they define one lifetime then. I’ve been told that I am an old soul. If that would be true, it has taken a quite a while, and I don’t see it happening even now. But me, I don’t really believe in soul.
Two years ago I think I wrote about this, because it was so logical. I’m created by my perception, my perception is created by me. What would be the thing I call “I” or “me”. If it’s the same “I” I use in everyday life, for “me” to born again also all of the perception, surrounding world, should born again. So once again we’re back to the question: “Who or what am I?” That’s why I love dance, and specially CI. Because on those moments I am. I know. and if you ask me to verbalise. I can’t. And yet, Ilona says to me, just let yourself disappear. Like she would know.
So what is the translation of satori?
I don’t know, but internet knows everything. Online dictionary says: Comprehension, understading. And yet I’m pretty sure this was not what Noriko ment.
I want the release, from this. I think I have the key somewhere. I just don’t know where.
So I search, and let go. let go let go.
I once said to Anna-Kaisa that I’m not afraid of dying but afraid of living. She answered, it’s the same thing. She was right.
Somewhere in Kiev, last summer. Wether some one was lost, or just into the tv series. I do not know. However. I’m far more lost now, than then.
Over here long time ago I wrote how you hear things wrong.
And I also noticed that I have wrote about Breach only once. Which doesn’t make much sense since the past two years I’ve been listening to it a lot and frequently.
I hate being left waiting. When I’m told that we’ll meet around 7 and then clock gets to nine.
Just like my mother. Probably that’s why I hate it. Well over two years ago in Ibiza I was waiting for Vale. It was my second last day in the island… She was tremendously late, I got more and more frustrated and angry so I went to run, and put Breach coming out of my iPod. I ran fast, on my own scale, much faster and much longer than I though. I used to hate running.
After that, Breach has played in my iPod a lot. I notice that I rarely listen to it at home, but often when I’m running or going somewhere, I do.
For some reason the rhythm section has such a.. groove. I don’t know how else to call it. When talking about HC it’s hard to think of groove but it just rolls. It rolls on with unstoppable force. Forward, motion, and not pushing, rolling, easily, but with mass.
Great.
Ah and new things to think about. I need to move soon. I have no idea where and with what money. My life have been so easy because I haven’t had to pay rent really… And now that is going to change. Well, I knew it will change at some point, soon enough, but maybe not quite as soon. Oh well. Why worry.
So we start to be more and more in a similar situation.
I’m more and more lost.
For a long time, well till yesterday I always heard that it’s “king of wisdom” yesterday I found some lyrics which says “Gain all wisdom”. Yes, “gain all wisdom” makes more sense, but is it better? I know not. I feel that if I ever had anything called wisdom it has been long gone by now. Long gone. And just to make it clear that those lyrics are from song “common day” which I’m not going to place here. But if you’re really interested, you will find it. Instead I’ll place here “Game in Vein”, just because the beatiful example of rolling forward.
Ah, now it’s coming, the slight panic.. or uneasiness. About moving, about everything really changing. And not necessarily for better. But then again, how would I know it?
I need help. That is for sure.
Breach – Game in Vein
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Time ago in romania. and good coffee, in a nature day.
Again I’m completely lost of what and why am I writing.
Went to local new age/hippie store to ask some books and check tarot cards. What am I?
Anyway I was lookign for Zhuang Zhoun’s Zhuang Zi, a book that is around the same time as tao te jing. Another “base” book of taoism. Well the problem is of course the alphabets. And ow to translate chinese. The woman in a bookshop found four different ways to write the author. at least. and then to know is it really the book that I’m looking for… She also showed me I Ching, the famous version. well I hanged around looking and suddenly she says to me, Hey I found the book you were looking for from the shelf but written like this: Chuang-Tzu. Well great. I also found really beatiful version of Tao Te Jing in finnish, but just couldn’t afford it. And I bought one slim version of I Ching.
Now, when consulting I Ching is rather easy. If you just tell yourself to be modest, compassionate, calm, acceptive, gentle, you’re pretty much done… So no need to consult anything.
Last week I was performing. First in Riga, (where I got some sign by the way. Just wishing I would know what the hell do they mean) where the performance went rather well. And then on next day in Helsinki where the performance went well, but I felt it wasn’t so… calm, like descended.. I don’t know the right words really. Because I was much more nervous in Riga, and the timings were really the same, so I can’t say that Helsinki one would have been hasty, but somehow it wasn’t… as full, hard to describe. Didn’t get much feedback but the little I got was mainly positive of course. Nice thing was that my father came to see it (and my mother too, but that was no surprise), and afterwards he said that he understood something about it. I asked was there something to understand? well maybe there was. It’s nice.
Anyway, the performance, already before talking to Katri, made me, again, think about dance and acting… how far or close they are together. And in a way to me it has something to do with the approach. Like I had a lot of things in the solo that have a ot to do with expressions, but I approach them with physical task or interest, where as if I think I would be acting I would approach them with more emotional content… Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t even know does it matter much, after all, I have no idea when I’ll perform again. Well, I don’t even know where I’ll be in a five days time.
My skin is still pushing out stuff. And I’m getting very tired of this. One set of antibiotics. Big scars. Loads of ayuervedics. Another set of antibiotics. And still… I wonder will they give me more antibiotics or actually do some test this time. Yesterday Jari recommended aloe vera, orally. not on the skin, ut to eat because it pushes all the bad stuff away and helps the skin also from the inside.
I do not know.
I noticed that I can never be producer, music one. At some point I was thinking of that, but nowdays I notice that I just don’t care enough of the sounds, I care of the melodies, riffs, rhythms, and if they work.. well the sounds have to be really bad to mess it up. I know they can, but still.
These weeks before have been so tearing, and this week has been quite easy. I just haven’t been thinking much. I still think I might leave in few days, and I might not. What I have learned that love is just not enough. I wish it would, but it is not, there needs to be other things and qualities as well if you think of living together with someone. After all I did love Valeria but it was soon so evident that living together would be just too much. And I still love talking, discussing about things of importance and of no importance, because eventually not much of things have the importance, except love of course.. Or art or living or right and wrong and good and bad.
And I don’t know why do I live.
It’s a mystery, like for so many of us, but I feel that I would need to.. hell, even to feel that there’s a reason. I don’t need to know.
Long time ago, and I think I’ve written about this before, I though that suicide is for cowards. Now days I startto think that people who commit suicide are either extremely drowned in suffering or really brave or both. Because the biology keeps us living, without anyother reason. And I know there’s no other reason to live except to live. So what is the big deal then. Why all this trouble. We live how we can.. Why do I want to be happy, even remotely happy.
And why it is so hard to find ways to be happy… when drowned all of this society and getting along.. buy things get more money be succesful.. what the hell is to succeed?
Nothing ever fills me. And I’m always fulfilled. I want to believe that, I just need to realise and experience that as well…
So nothing much…
Few things about music.
Final/Fear Falls Burning collab is great. I like it more than either ones work alone. Beta Lactam records have been annoying me since post lost their packet they send long time ago, but I wished thay would have let me know when they sent it.. But they’ve been having troubles anyway. Nevertheless I want to thank them and mister Aidan Barker for releasing Songs of Flowers and Skin. Because it’s is great. I really like when mister Baker goes Poppy and Songy eventhough I do appreciate drone/ambient stuff as well. But Songs of Flowers and Skin is to me very close to Green and Cold and Figures. Actual songs. And again having this strange rhythm things… like drums wouldn’t be always exact on the beat, and somehow it sound great.
Been listening quite a few times Mono’s Holy Ground live, and they’re good, they are. Also tried to get into Shining’s black jazz, but the only song I really get into is Fish Eye and specially the extended version (vinyl only?) of it.
“New” Jaga Jazzist was a dissapointment, to be honest, but it’s not bad, it’s just that the expectations were so high. Trying to find new metal, but been very hard to find anything worth mentioning at the moment. I have to listen more stuff though. Ulver, Aidan and Nadja still playing a lot.
That isn’t all, but it’s all for now…
A long time has passed and too little seems to be changing.
I feel that I’m trapped inside my own fears and unability to move into any direction.
Long long time ago I wrote lyrics about how choices give me anxiety. They do.
Because what ever I choose, it’s so easy for me to regret. I wish I could have a little peak into the future. Just to see which direction.
Anyway, either direction don’t seem to keep me much in finland.
In a way that is good, because I just can’t figure my way out in here, but maybe it’s partly because I havent been here and thus I haven’t created stable… mm.. visibility?
I so hoped I would have enjoyed Argentina. and well, I did but..
And now, what are my choices.
Reason versus love. And this is wrong way to put it, because nothing is pure reason or love. I would choose love, if there would be only reason. But there is a lot more than just reason.
And I think I hate to suffer, but maybe because I’m still in this situation I like to suffer. Or maybe I’m just so much afraid of even bigger suffering that I cant move myself from this place.
For a long time this has been.. So should I see it through. But for a long time this has been, and it has never been easy. What if I would really go into another direction and see does relationships have to be so difficult all the time. Or is it just me who want difficult relationships? Because I seem to connect “strong” emotions to partly negative emotions. Big highs, and big lows.
So I am still stuck. And it’s not only me who is suffering, I’m also causing it to others. I’m not happy about this.
I want more lives than just one, so I could try out all the possibilities.
Another thing which I haven’t given so much of though is that I am performing “everything’s the same” hopefully in riga on next sunday and definetly in helsinki on next monday. Do I know what I’ll do? I do, in a way, but I would like to know a bit more.
Anyway for that I made the 5th ending… I should do sixth as well. 5th ending because do I want it or not, everything’s the same do continue the set of “huomenna, kun olet poissa” (Tomorrow, when you’re gone). So there was 4 endings. Now there’s a fifth one.
I have no idea where this came to my head. It was morning on the mountain. I whisled this little repetition and pretty soon Joav and Irina where humming it as well. And we went with Sebastian… and it kept on playing in my head. So I hummed it into my phone. And it has kept reappearing into my head. So now it’s out with garage band. Of course the string don’t sound super real, but almost. And it’s not going anywhere, because I don’t know where it should go (just like myself) So I just keep adding harmonies in. It’s around 5 minutes again.
I know I should do the 6th ending, but I’m not sure do I really have the time, eventhough I have repetitive tunes in my head.
Still why do I need to suffer. I never knew I can feel so much similar feeling towards two sucha different persons. I curse myself being romantic. I curse myself reading Ursula Le Guin and always those people in the books being so brave, going against the whole society, just because of love, the feeling. And I know that feelings will fade and change. But I feel I’m tired of going along with them. And I know I can change them. I want, I want, I want…
I know what I want but no one can make sure that I get it, because my want is so dependable on the other one. And it’s funny, I’m not afraid of myself falling in love to someone else, I’m afraid the other one falling in love. And yet I know that if I do commit now, me falling in love to someone else than my companion will not take me away from her. I know that I can direct that love back to my relationship. I know that I don’t even fall in love so easily… I get attracted, yes, but falling in love? No not so easy.
I’ve been praying for clear sign. Some of us do get signs. I want one, because if the outside is just reflection of the inside. Outside sign is from inside. So universe. Give me a clear sign. As clear as for her.
Something that I wanted to tell: I think it was the last night in Ibiza. We’re sitting outside of “la nave” with Sveta, having not so heated discussion, and suddenly I see something bright flying fast in the night sky. It can’t be a plane because it was either so low that plane would have made noise or if being higher going so incredibly fast that I have never seen sucha planes. And it was bright. I think not comet or meteorite either.. I have no idea, so UFO.
5th Ending
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I want new skin.
Some I want thicker,
Some I want thinner.
And I judge and am judged, and how I get angry because the ones who are judging me.
How you keep your heart open, and when I question the openess by the acts from history, I am mean and spiteful. I feel that I am, I know it.
I think with my head.
But it’s not that simple.
My thinking is emotions, My emotions are thinking, My moving is emotions, my touches are thinking. And true if we do divide, and we do, I think more than I feel. No I tell a lie, I’m more in my head than in my heart.
I’m lost with feelings because there’s so many. And in my feelings there is not a right way. And in my head there’s not a right way. Trick is to combine, or not to separate, me thinks/feels.
I am not worth of you. That is my problem, have been and still is. I don’t see myself as worth. Why would you, stay here. And because of something, I don’t want to be left. And I am left. we all are, I think.
So present comes from past and projects to the future. What I want now is what I want in future. And it’s rather helpfull, if you want to share that future, to have somehow, same intentions, same kind of view of relationship. What do you want from it.
I am here to open doors, you say.
I don’t carry your bag you say.
Even with all your love, I’m still not here to serve you.
I’ll help you as a friend, best I can, if you let me.
But I don’t want to get hurt, left when you get your doors open.
Get a locksmith.
We are never worth, there’s nothing to be worth with/of.
So what is worth to you?
And what is worth to me?
I feel lost in life. I want to be lost, it seems.
Hedonism married with wierd sense of responsibility is not an easy match.
I know what I want and that might be the problem, that I’m looking for it, asking is this it? maybe I shouldn’t, things come, things pass.
This will pass.
And that is the problem, I want something that doesn’t pass. That stays. And I know eventualy nothing will last. But for a glimpse that is life? maybe?
Maybe now
Maybe now
but how about tomorrow.
Yesterday I’m in an unknow appartment of someone I don’t know because someone I might now, if we would share the language, is staying there and we are there waiting for the train.
And we talk, with you.
and I go off into another room and play this song out of the guitar with same chords as always, with a slightly different melody and tell how things are, but you’re not there, some one else is.
And after I cry, because music can open some pathways I otherwise can’t. and it’s not just the music but the words as well. And afterwards I hope, I think, I should have recorded it, just because the lyrics. Because I think I can recall the chords and melody, but lyrics, no, I don’t think so. But I can always make new ones.
And you ask me questions, I though it was my job.
And I give you answers, which never was your job.
And I notice being, have been being, unclear yet again.
And I need to call you, just to see have I been unclear to you too.
I have not.
Oh how I love being able to communicate with words, to be understood, to be clear about my unclarity.
Again and again. Commitment, intension.
It’s not that I think, that I would think, that for sure it will work. It’s true, we never know. But I know that if the idea(l) is somehow similar, the understandment, it will have bigger posibilities. Why? because we’re on the same page, maybe not in same sentence but in same page. Not in totally different books.
When I write this, I ask to whom am I writing.
Valeria told me that, to myself. Vale, you were right I think, now. I always hoped that I would write this to someone who is interested, but maybe not. Maybe I am writing this to myself. Why do I make it public? Because then it’s real?
All of this is real, written or not.
I try to let go, of the words, of you, and my mind is going away and my heart is coming near. And another you is way too far.
Don’t think about replacing because nothing can ever replace.
Placement, where do I place myself.
I shed you like a skin, from my skin?
My skin heals, slowly, but it is healing. But I’m afraid that deep inside there’s still something which would mean another set of antibiotics. Not too happy about that. I’ll see tomorrow. How am I? My nose is blocked.
And when I was leaving the festival. I say goodbye to Masha. I love you, I love you too. I wish everything could be so honest and so simple.
I am not enough.
And when will I be?
Festival.
I feel I’m returning to old.
I think I was more open to the people in ibiza.
In meganom I closed down, kept myself to myself, partly because of the pain.
Partly because of something else, but not because of the people.
And in here? I’m still in slight pain, not much.
But I can’t dance so much and I basically refuse to dance with people I don’t know just because I don’t want more pain. And dancing is my main way to share and be open.
I think I’m bit off, outside, of the festival, but it seems to e going well. And people are super just like I said, so it’s not only the teachers group.
Today was underscore, in two spaces and outside between. Rather nice experience.
I even danced a bit.
But I’m jumping ahead.. or to the present so let’s tell tales from history.
After teachers meeting we had a performance, which was ok. After performance we go to the roof with Natasha and Sveta and Natash see my sores. She thinks it is good to cut the leg open so next day Sveta spends going to the otherside of moscow to get scalpel. On the evening we are here at the festival site (buddhist center) and Natasha cut my leg, It hurts surprisingly lot. Some anesthesia on the skin helps a bit. After it’s done something releases, maybe tension, maybe something else. They bandage me up. I lay on bed for a while. Then I go to the jam and dance with my doctor about twenty minutes. Shower and change of badages.
So all and all it’s going nicely. I’m in same doze as I was in Meganom. I sleepwakedream most of the time, but now I move more, and now I have internet and skype calls.
It’s late so I finish.
Festival is soon over, time passes, Like we do.
In moscow,
Sweating,
Hot like… hell?
From ibiza I went to Kiev, there I noticed something in my head, scalp, then on my arm… and then pimple in my thigh I tried to squeeze.. Didn’t work out.
Left to crimea, Meganom.
No running water, no electricity, no toilets no showers.
But a spring near by, endless hot sun, hole in the ground, black sea.
But my sking go worse.
Three.. boils, infected, inflamed. Pushing out puss, blood, swollen.
Thank (insert your preferable deity here) Natasha is (was) a doctor. And Katja is visiting city, and you can get antibiotics without recipe in Ukraine (and in russia as well)
Finally antibiotics. 5 days behind, 6th just started. 7th is the last one.
And over there, I tried to go inside, to see what is it that I can’t push out so my skin needs to do it. And I don’t know. I know that everytime I talk anything serious with that ukrainian sweety I get mad. And I know that I have a pattern to long somewhere or someone else who is somewhere else. And I have some one to long for? And I don’t know do I long for because her or because it’s my pattern?
Dozing days in meganom, trying somehow, to dream to think to vision my way out of the pain, the burn. Waking up at nights sleeping at days. waveform, dream wake dream wake and reality becomes a mix. And I can’t really dance because those two places are so sensitive. In the beginning yes, on the first day. after that only few dances, mainly with people I know. Lovely dance with Mirva, and lovely talks through out the time there.
And I get so annoyed Ruslan going on about buddhism and his lama ole and diamond way. And I remember the pattern from teens… In congregation, to go against. And the most meaningful people there were always the ones who acted, not talked. And Ruslan keeps talking, Lama ole, But I can’t see the actions, Except hedonism. And I can’t see “be your own guiding light” because all I hear is lama. Not what he thinks. And I think, he doesn’t think. Ethics are way too hard and delicate, when we share no common language.
And I am angry. somehow, and I can’t express it because I have no real reason.
It’s just not the way I would like to follow and I don’t. And I envy that it seems to be so easy. To come and go and be forgiven.
Most meaningful people there were those who acted, not talked. And I talk.
I wanted something pure, Someone pure, But how when I am not pure. There is no purity.
And then it’s over. And I get so annoyed leaving, because people don’t use common sense.
Why it’s necessary to do things stupidly. And only second reason to suffer is that I am not well.
25 hours in train with Lior. I think we both slept most of it. I finish the Unseen Academics which is delightful. It’s pratchett, don’t think he would reinvent himself now.
And Moscow. hot moscow, going to some new people (maybe) there’s so many masha’s. And Asya takes me there, and no Masha but his brother Misha who is becoming a doctor. And he looks at my thigh and tells me that if I go to doctor I’ll be at least seven days in hospital because they will cut it open, and run through test, and I think. No. He also says that he thinks it’s possible to handle like I’m oing now. So good. If this turns to worse I head back finland.
And then yesterday evening. Polina gives me reiki. After it, Sasha comes and tells the trouble. My host Masha didn’t tell her parents (who are also living in the flat) that she going to host 3 people there, because parents should be out of town. But for some reason her mother is back and angry. Polina tells she can take me. So I go get my stuff, and I estimate the times and distances wrong. End up running from metro to masha/misha’s place. Running is so nice, and I wonder how I have so much stamina after and still being sick, not doing anything for 8 days. But I have, I can run.
Then there’s the teachers meeting, and VOW. I said that this is going to be really good festival. and this really will be. The group of teacher this year is so nice bunch of people. I like, and It’s difficult to dance, but I do dance, because I want to dance. Pain is there, but the joy out of moving overrules it easily.
My thoughts going on circles, what if what if what if. And again I have skype calls.
And somewhere in my mind count the passing time. An I don’t want this. I want to be where I am. But I want this, because there is something, more than just a feeling, possibility to talk, share thoughts by words, and I love words and to play with them.
My thoughts are words.
And I have to think and thank of Anatoli, who translated my sharing in meganom and I think no one else of the translators would have done it as good as him, mindmapping, or mindfucking according to Mirva. Well anyone can fuck anyway, but some reason not all of the people are able to mindfuck. I enjoy both… except, I would rather make love, in both ways.
Today on the meeting I wrote three highest of these
I will be alright.
Don’t quite know what to write and why to write it. To whom would be a good question as well.
I’m used to be quite able to verbalise my thinking and also my emotional states, but lately I feel that I cannot connect my emotional state, or emotions into verbal reality. All is unclear. And I try to rationalize it, the be rational, automaticly, but I now that it’s not the answer. So I’ll stay unclear, it will become clear, eventually, in a way or another. There’s a fair change that I don’t like the way, or the ending up, but it will become clear.
I’m grateful to those who are able to bear with my uncertainty and unclarity.
Often we are not clear anyway, even when we think we are. Maybe something is clear to ourselves, but we are not able to communicate it clearly to others. Maybe.
I was visited, I am happy for that. I enjoy so much to have some one to talk with.
Now I’m not clear, and I start to wonder when I was, really, It seems like a long time.
And yet, it’s always related to situations or aspects. Everything is not unclear. I know I want to dance. I know that it’s going forward. The CI dances I’ve had with last year… Vow.
Yesterday I went to night market, to see Barbi (who wasn’t there) and Vicky (Who was there) since I’m going tomorrow evening. And I met Chris too. And then I met Juan who told that he’s playing in half an hour, inside, in a band with two women. He invited me to see, and I went. Now, the leading woman was superb singer, and damn good guitar player as well, and songs were good as well, but what really took my attension was the bassist who was super cool. Women playing bass, but not just that, she was just so cool. I fell in love.
But love is not the feeling. just this…Ah…
I hope the band (and specially Juan) all the best.
So I am leaving tomorrow. I’m getting tired of being so poor that I’ll always travel with bad connection. tomorrow at 23 to gatwick, from there bus to heathrow (6hours between flights) and then to kiev… and then I try to figgure out my way from moscow to romania with trains. Luckily I have friends who will help. And then from cluj to bucharest to get to finland… and that will be in 5 weeks.. jeij.
So wait, do I want to get back home? Home as in finland? I think not, and yet, I do. All the albums and my guitar and the slight sense of rest except there’s not much of it, either.
Got my flight back to ibiza, that was nice. And I don’t have flights away yet because I don’t know where I am going… which reminds me to write a couple of emails.
The way is dim, but somehow I’ll find it.
OK, I dislike the title straight away but I can’t think better right now so never mind.
When I was in Kiev festival, on one night, in a jam. I said no, to two pesons, and not because of the person but because of the timing. It felt really difficult. I though that I need to get them to dance with me on the next night or later on the same night, just to show it’s not about them, but about timing or something else. And then… why? why would I feel guilty or try to “make up” something when there’s absolutely nothing to make up.
And now I’m in situation where I have limited amount of time, and I’m asked to do a short performance for a good thing. But eventhough the performance is 15 min I know it will take from the precious day about 5 hours… anyway. And I dont want to. So I said no, then I was begged, because they really need men. And I though about it. and said no again, but I really feel… not easy with it. What if I’m never asked again? what if… what if… But I’m here only one week more. I’m sure if I would be here still for a month I would go, just incase it would bring more work. But now, I can be bit easier on that pressure.
It’s really hard for me to do clear decisions, to close doors and possibilities. Even when it’s needed, even when I know, pretty much, what I want.
No more syllabes to hide on….
Madder Mortem
something else.
Sydän Sydän. swearword. Jari told me about them such a long time ago but i never got into it. and then because of Tuomas Skopa’s (who is the leadsinger of sydän sydän) solo that really hit me I listened their albums bit better, (like listened), and my my “auto” is mainly great, super, awesome. And Tuomas Skopa is amazing singer… for crying out loud. how it took me so long to find this album? but this is how it always goes, and it’s not bad because I found it now and have joyed immensly singin wierd lyrics and great melodies in finnish…
One more week in this land. Then a shift a change. Festival after festival and lot of trains.
Life..
I knew it when you told me in BSAS that it’s the end. That’s why I forced you to say that you leave me, because that’s what you did. And I knew that I forced. And most of the trip down south I was hoping that you would argue that I wouldn’t be right, but you didn’t. And I knew I was right. Why then, when being back home, after SOS I still tried so hard to find a way or a change to hold on?
Drama, I had to play through the last act. Even though I knew that the script was written and it will follow it’s course. Script also wrote my hopes and my desperation. Why did I need to do it, play along? Is it, would it be possible just to skip it, when I know. And at the same time, emotions need to takes their course and time. And at the same time, I do believe that I can diminish or amplify my emotions. And diminishing doesn’t mean repressing or supressing but diminishing. Not give the value. or extra value.
That’s is the point in feelings. because we value things that are ot there so often, we value falling in love, we value hate? But the most important is the everyday, all of this what I feel here, sitting in fromt of computer, outside of a cafe, wind getting colder. Thinking of people who are far away, getting ready to pick up Ilona from the airport.
And I don’t feel much. And I feel much.
Again CI comes to help as an allegory. I think I wrote about it earlier. Dances have become good because it’s all as important. the little shift of weight on my foot is as important as going up to Monika’s shoulder, and they do not exist without each others, and they are as valuable. There’s is no difference, no “more good” or “less good”
Beyond Good and Evil
So what do I value.
Respect commitment openness. And what is true respect, commitment, openness?
This is a great place to test myself. So what I want to test
I know what I want.
Do you want me to dance in your piece? please tell me, if so.
I think I wrote what I wanted. Now.
“Don’t fear, my fire, is enough for the both of us”
Picture is from moscow actually.
Me still ibiza, having a clear though what to write about over here but not having time to do it when online. Right now I’m living on a beautiful mountain for couple of days (well more like a midway of a big hill, beautiful nevertheless) without electricity.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll go next.
Not much work but I hope people come running to my CI course “Light Falls” Title, taken from here.
After pondering long long time I eventualy went to flow, because all the people from the island who I know were there anywya. And the food was good. I didn’t really attend to workshop having more workshops of my own. MEt som really really lovely people. Well I’m sure that all of the people have their lovely aspects but I just can’t meet all of them. Had my greatest time over there, dancing, I enjoy so much contact Improvisation. It seems amazing, I feel that when I walk nowdays on the path up to the hill, my cordination is not so good, or my sense of balance, I feel unagile. But when I get to dance, I feel I’m doing stuff more preciseness I’ve ever done and dances are amazing… Really great great moment. It was nice to have Finnish crew here, and to still have them here. Language is important evetually.
Not going so deep with this post but what can I do.
Sebastian is orderin a tiipii and I would like to have one too. It would be great in my mothers summer cottage.
I need to do more.
That’s all.
Waiting for a message from someone, bit too eagerly, I think.
Goodnight and good luck to you all.
Again, long time.
Kiev was a blast. A lot of dancing, nice classes and it was good to teach.
Now in ibiza, and no work yet.
Maybe I’m not doing enough for it?
I should, but I’m bit shy somehow, to go to places with my non exitent español and ask for a job. I don’t know why. Well something small is in the future, but I need more. Just so that I can get back here for Etic after ECITE.
Last night I slept in a tree with my hammock, Up in a tree. And yesterday I was looking a piece of land with super trees. Maybe I’ll go over there since the house/room situation in here is slightly bit complex and I’m not here for so long after all.
Something physical coming my way?
I was running yesterday. For about half an hour almost continuously. I was surprised as hell.
Even with the broken fivefingers (shoe) because a little dog named Mia ate part of it. But today I should get it (the shoe) fixed.
Today I’ll attend (very soon) to Monika’s contemporary class and that should be fun as well.
So life is, going, moving, life is.
Not so sure about anything, but no need to be. Everything was, is and will be ok.
It’s ok.
If you wonder about the title of the post, check the ganji. I often forget this.
I have a feeling I had something important to write and not just this blaa blaa, but maybe I didn’t.
Shining.
Lately.
I’ve been feeling that I have a lot to do, (before I go) but I just can’t figure out what it is.
I’ve been trying, yeah trying to make the songs ready, but yet again I have failed.
I’ve been singing and playing guitar though, but when something is ready, uh.
I’ve been absent minded, feeling not able to concentrate much of anything.
I’ve been feeling that I’ve forgotten something important (like get new visa for russia to get to moscow festival, but yes I did remember, justa bit too late)
I’ve been consciously trying to avoid of being stressed and yes, I’m not stressed.
I’ve been consciously deciding not to worry. I can worry then when I’m there where I need to worry. Now I don’t need to worry because everything is ok.
I’ve been thinking and searching for the new bag/backbag and being totally lost with them, some of them being nice, but none of them being exactly what I need/want.
Realizing that one really annoying thing about travelling is that I’m too lazy to carry my guitar (and it’s electric anyway) with me all the time. I’ll miss playing and to get better at playing I need to play.
I’v been listening to a lot of music.
Ok so one evening not long ago I started play this riff and then I played it about hour or two. then I made “b” section… then I was so fond of it that I recorded it.
Then I did the drum track…
Then I did plimplom guitar (so typical of me) on top of the riff.
Then I tried to sing something on it.
Then I went to sleep.
In the morning I tried to sing again, got something.
Later on It presented itself as ready.
Got and idea using two vocals (like always) and needed to make lyrics.
Made the lyrics, sang it quite a few times.
Made bass.
Mixed it.
Well, I could say that it’s ready but my singing always has somepoint that hurts my ears.
so…
I’ll put it here anyway, in the end of the post.
What else should write.
Well it’s somewhat funny that if you want a silk sleepingbag/liner, you can get those cocoons and whatnot from sportshops and they cost like 80€ OR THEN you can go to “LIKE” shop and get one that is made in vietnam by single mother who made a co-op (soundly sleeping dragon) and started to do things. (ah pages only in finnish… no idea) And the funny thing is that this one costs 35€. So if I have understood right this one is fairtrade and the women actually get real profit out of it, and still it’s only 35€. I can’t but wonder who and where are cocoons and whatnot made and who is making the profit from there.
FInding a good bag is a drag… and then even if you find suitabel, almost, it’s probably black, oh so boring.
I need to get sleepingbag as well, the silk one isn’t quite enough by it self.
Need need need.
long time ago I got quite a few albums from UTECH, and I still, probably haven’t gone through them all, but I listened to Knell “last ten meters” and it’s bloody brilliant. Also Suzuku Junzo’s “pieces for the hidden circles” is very nice. I’m sure there’s other nice stuff as well.
Got couple of things from Nadja, Nadja/Ovo split is not my piece of cake. But then UnderJaguarSun vinyl really is. I’m slightly annoyed with Beta-lactam ring rec, because they still didn’t sned me under jaguar sun cd. I don’t know they had some emergency on the family and that’s how it is with small labels, people are doing it for the love and there’s not many of them, so they just cannot hire more people to do the work, and when something comes up that takes their full attention the work maybe suffers. Nevertheless, I am annoyed specially since someone over there promised to send me the cd LONG time ago.
Oh, and I listened Final’s Afar pleasently surprised.
Soon I go to dancing..
O – Much Of Things
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Back in Helsinki.
Before I went to Ryazan I got a message where she said that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Well at least it’s clear.
Went to ryazan, I didn’t know anyone from there, feeling slightly sad. And I wondered, I don’t want this. I don’t want to travel from people to people who I don’t know, by myself, alone. not having even a base of anykind. So how will I change this? I know not, yet.
And it’s not that I’m alone there. Alma offered me great dinner and super company, Masha and her family was super as well… it’s just this… well.. something stable. I though that it would be so nice to travel and teach with somebody, although probably in a few weeks we would (who ever it would be) get into each others nervers a lot. I know not.
At the same time, I feel that the teaching in ryazan didn’t go so well… But in Moscow and in St.Peter I enjoyed a lot. Of course I am not sure that the people in WS enjoyed but I think most of them did. And even in Ryazan I saw some people really learning.
On my first “free” day in moscow, I played some guitar and did drums with garage band. I hope I get something of them done in these two weeks. I wanted to make 8cm cd’s again, but since I know not much of people really listen to cd’s anymore I’m thinking of making somekind of download system…
On tuesday… I went to see photobiannale thanks to Alma’s suggestion. Well before I went there I sat on a bench for an hour listening through William Basinski‘s Vivian & Ondine and meditating with it. And my my my, Mister Basinski has again done something miraclous. Absolutely brilliant, brilliant and shining, and deep.
Anyway, after I went to see the photos, and I realised how some of the photographers have really travelled a lot in 40-60 when the travelling wasn’t as nearly as easy as now. And how much they’ve must taken pictures and how many of them have been mediocre or crap. Because even now, there was maybe 1 or 2 really really Great photos from each photographer and most of them were, just, good.
After Ryazan I travelled to moscow, where I met Leilani which was great. She’s super adorable and I’m sure they’re enjoying contact tango a lot in moscow. Then I continued to petroskoi, petrozavodsk, where I met Sami and then Alexander and Sasha and Anna in city’s media center where we performed with Sami and Alex and Sasha making music.
Performing is great. It’s super challenging, it’s difficult, but at the same time it’s great. And performance was pretty good I think. Quite open impro, some themes that we had talked about, that came out in the movement I feel. And of course some base in CI. Alex and Sasha were doing really nice structurized impro with music stuff they had. And the place was full. Of cours it wasn’t a big place, but in a place like Petrozavodsk, I was surprised to get so much audience (all the seat were taken ans some people standing) and people also liked it. Great. It was also really nice see and talk with Sami about art and life and whatnot.
On my ways I read Ursula Le guin’s Birthday of the World. I recommend to everyone. Almost all of those stories are super. If you’re not into scifi, don’t worry they’re really not scifi. She’s writing about humans, about us and what we are. The last story Paradises Lost is amazing… in short place such a meaningful questions. Throw away of garbage, what does it mean. Where is away? This is something that we don’t really get. I don’t get. We live in the world where is easier to “throw away” (almost) any broken machine and get a new one than to fix it. But what is away? Away from my sight is not away. all of that material, all of that plastic metals what not stay here, in form or another. There is NO away, everything I throw I throw here, on this earth, on me.
If you haven’t heard from Ursula Le Guin, or if you haven’t read any of her books, do yourself a favour and start reading one. I can give more exact recommendations if needed.
“Rose said quote it’s time to make a mess
time will be soon in time I guess
she’s painting on my back
a beautiful flower pot
and she treats me like her local god
rose said quote it’s time to make a mess
this one’s yours and yours is selfobsessed
She’s painting on my back a green tom, the beefheart one
And she cuddles and she coos and she cuts the bullshit I confessed
She said:”Don’t look my way
What can I possibly say
I’ve never seen you before today
I’m just the one that makes you think of the one
that makes you feel you’re the one”
But thank you for the roses, for the roses…”
-dEUS
Another recommendation.
I was doing a lab in St Peter about CI and violence.
Thank you all who were there and who organized.
Now I’ve been in moscow already for quite some days.
When do I feel agression or violent? When I’m not heard, when I’m not taken account, when I’m not appreciated.
I do exist. Hear me.
And when I’m not heard, I get frustrated and frustration brings violence.
Because I try to communicate, I try to communicate with you, why you don’t hear me? why you don’t see me? Why you see me only as something as you want to see but you don’t really see me?
Violence.
Other reason of violence is to have power, maybe even more common one.
But over what? Why? And again it’s about me. I define myself of the one with capability to do this, so I must be worth of something because I have the power to do this. But doing all of this, does it make me feel good? Or I resort to violence because I don’t want to hear what you have to say what you want to communicate?
Is non-communication violence?
And I was thinking about how this connects with dance.
How do I react on a hit. Will I shut and close down or will I stay open ready to react some other way.
And it might give me a hint how do I react in life. Will I shut down or will I try to find another solution. And when I meet violence that is not towards me, will I shut down, close down and protect my life. But why my life would be any different from any other life? So why then should I shut down? Can I stay open, ready to communicate even if the next step in communication would be a kick to my center?
I don’t know. I lost with all of this because I don’t have to meet it in real life.
I go down to the metro, I see the people, I know that just week ago here was two explosions and still we are here, because we don’t really have any good options. We can’t shut down our lives, and even if we could we don’t want to. So we go down to the metro. And we don’t really know what and who is behind these bombs, I don’t know what are the political/ideological connection and reason and who really is behind of them. And neither does my local friend. Violence breeds fear, fear breeds violence and closeness. And people will resort to anyone who says s/he will save them. Down to the metro we go.
After all, personally i feel that I have as much chances to get run over by a car over here.
So the workshop is over, here in moscow. I hope people learned something and I saw some of them learning. I’ll stay here two more days doing… nothing much. Let’s see.
Then off to teach more.
I’ve noticed that I like teaching. I like talking, I like words and I like dance, and I like when I see that people think, and that thinking is not happening in soem mystical “mind” but it’s happening in them, whole of them. I’m not even half of the time sure that I’m good at teaching, but nevertheless, I like it.
Good night and good luck to you all.
5 tales
