Slowly crawling

ah

So where we are now?
Where am I?

Same same, all different.

Getting annoyed by the same things as always.
Thinking about the same things as always.

Things don’t really change do they.

All depends on the scale you look at things.
Or is there someone looking.

how much of our coming extinction is related to “surplus” that humans are almost the only animals that actually gather extra, thanks to a concept of ownership.
That thee can be a person, or an instance owned by persons (like company/bank) that then owns houses, plantations, animals, forest, land. Food and shelter.

Aren’t we facing the current catastrophe mainly because of surplus because of extra, because of manufacturing and wanting all the time more things to own. (I’ve been browsing webshops the past 4 days constantly, of nothing that I really need). Surplus of a state or of a person. extra. How many other animals kill of hoard things for just incase… I know some animals do taht as well, but how many of them to the extent as we?

And we, as humans, at least some of us, new that it would be coming, andd even now, when everything is so clear, there is people in places of power saying that global warming is nothing real or nothing to worry about.
Funny animals we are, but then again, we are, most of us, if any of us living in democracy.

Catalonias referendum was illegal says EU and that is why the actions of police, beating old people, beating people just being, is justified? Please, Law is always a question of agreement. it is clear that “spain” and “catalonia” haven’t agreed for a while.. so what is law then?
How is it that in “democracy” it is so illegal to cast a vote, inthe election/referendum that is illegal (=with no legal binding=no effect) that it justifies hitting people. when cars can be stolen, taxes can be avoided, people can be robbed of their houses, police never resorting to violence. And how is it possible that EU and the representatives are not able to say simply this.
How about if “spanish” government would have played it another way. Saying, ok, have your referendum. Urging everyone to go and cast a vote. to make sure with international observers that the referendum is following all the rules. And then when the referendum is clear, let’s see what this really means, withing taxes within, market within everything… Thinking of how many procentage of people actually vote… I don’t think that the vote would say yes for independence. Where as after this… I wouldn’t be sure anymore.
Personally I think that the referendum is not binding, only because there is too small procentage of population that actually voted.
But now, all have excalated and we never know. What is clear though is that EU representatives are cowards. and the spanish prime minister and the government are fuck up’s. But then again, most of the governments are complete fuckup’s… let’s not even start with finnish one.

Is there other things, yes. we are all going to die.
IT’s so relieving.
This year, I think it was already before reading Timothy Mortons “hyperObjects”, When walking through the cities I have had such a clear feeling of all this being passed already. Gone. Still here but not for long.

And I think my ideal, or wish, to have a stable home, to have a family(?) and at the same time reminding myself, that me, and the children specially have to be able to move, geographically, easily, fastly, safely. and create their safety not on place but being. I still do buy vinyls (mainly Miasmah, Sonic Pieces, Infite Greyscale), which is in total conflict with this.

Things are not stable, we are not, and I try to let go of the letting go so long that there’s no letting go.

Just for now

ah

Here I am… making a mess around me and eating too much.
Spending days at the computer, just like I should.

I made this in marseilles, I guess. I don’t know where these little pieces of melodies come to my head, I whistle them, or hum them or something. And i don’t know where the sadness comes. There’s a lot of reason to be sad, but there’s a lot of reasons to be happy as well.

On this, i detect some of hope. All of the hopes that I had, have. And yes, it’s sad to let them go… but it was only hopes, nothing really, she says, nothing at all.

When does a thing become a thing?
What creates a meaning?
We do.
And what if you don’t create a meaning at all. What do we have then? Nothing, nothing at all.

This touch is no more real and the meaning that you give to it.
What you create?
what I create?
what we create?

Maybe that’s why, seeing or hearing that those hopes were nothing, treated like nothing, i feel sad.
or maybe.. they really were nothing and all is ok.

Meaning is a strange thing… because only I can make it, only us. Present doesn’t mean anything if it’s not linked into the system of past and future.

What should I give a meaning to?

keep coming up

ah

This city is sunny.
Over there it’s probably raining again.

I can’t believe that you can’t see.
Who you are, who I am.

when I’m given what I want I start to question what is it that I want.
A story, beautiful one. And it’s ruined already. Saddened by distrust and blindness.

I continue being afraid, of so many things. One after another, at the same time.
And I’m profoundly tired of the me that I am, and yet I cannot discard it, let it be lost. SO many things are lost already.

You are uncapable of explaining yourself.
Uncapable of really trusting, or seeing.

I am uncapable of bending, I rather brake.

I really really try. To give time.
But I need to give more for myself.
I hear that you are right on that.

Why are apologies so difficult.
To admit that it was wrong. I was wrong. I’m sorry.

Insanity has such a different forms.

Dance, leather, I was never good with practical work. Never had the patience to practice practice practice.
Leave things undone, unfinished. halfway.

I have less and less to write, but much to say. But I’m far from convinving.

And you, with your smile and sincerity, go around the world, get invited, like you should.
and because you are far enough, or too far, it’s impossible to be envious to you.

Things don’t clear.
I’m waiting.
for all to pass.

if not now, when

Ah

I notice.
on current year, I wrote on august, and september. So why not november.

I’m in china. The internet works funny. No google, no Facebook. Not all bad, but god, aren’t I dependable.
No answers, but I’m working. First with katja in Japan, which was great. Not because of the work but because of the people we met. Zden, Takao, Yuuki, Kyoko, Gaiken, Ayaka, Hanano, Seika, Maya, Tomomi, Toshio list goes on…
One of the greatest thing was the last week teaching in high school. The students were Great, just simply, great.

Now I’m on my second day in china and chongquin. And it has been great as well. I’ve been well taken care of, and it seems it will continue for the next month. In a day we are heading for the tea country and the pictures I’ve seen have been amasing, and I assume the place will be even more amazing.

I keep missing to somewhere else, but at the same time I’m ok where I am. I know that I’ll get there anyway.

Musically.. well, James Welburn’s Hold, is just stunning. Also new Senking sound good.

So why am I writing. Mundane notes about life. I guess just for writing.

New languages to learn.
I am amazed. Yet this might not be recognizable.

I feel, that after this travel, I’m ready not to travel.
Come to me, and I come to you.

A company

ah

I’m here, next to you. Sitting, fast moving.
Cars, planes, bikes.
Dancing, and rarely I’m dancing.

Not life itself.
Not knowing anything of life at all.
A company, commentary.

You say(see) it’s not enough.
I wouldn’t know it yet.

And all the sign I read, say love.
And I agree, love is not enough.
Life is, but I know nothing about it.

And on some other land, you think off jumping.
Over here I think of jumping.
Most of my childhood I dreamt of falls.

I dream having wakizashi in my back, a simple one with all wood covers. Knowing I would like one, but unless…

I would like to return, to have a place to return to.
And I always return to two places, finland and ibiza.
I could stay more in this island. Although I still have no idea what am I doing here, but this feels good. Eventhough at the same time I’m not happy with the extensive use of petrol.

I wish for invitations, to teach, to do, to learn.

Weeks ago a conversation about decisions and how to make them. Other people’s decisions are always easier than your own.
A company.
But own are the same,
A company.

I’m asked if I’m a poet, since what I write in facebook. and yes I am, but who publishes poetry, and who tells when the poetry is good enough to be published. A book, pages, a company.

I don’t mind working but I’m still not sure what the work is.
Bojan telling that holidays are best because then you can work… all of that administration stuff etc is just things to survive, but the thing that you love, that’s the work.

Love love love.

I can’t remember when some one has touched me as lovingly, with as much love as you do.
Detached.

Croissants and coffee, I like the coffee machines.
There would be a million albums to buy.
Do I want work, or to survive.
Love love love.

And the current goverment is fucking up so badly that I’m thinking when the first acts of terrorism appear.
Fucking greedy corporation cumsuckers.
If life should be deserved, they deserve not.

Who the hell voted them? and yes, I know they broke their promises, but I’m not surprised.

People are amazing.
A company.

Eventlessness

Ah

Do not breathe.
get away from your body.
Sense nothing, no touch, no vision, no aural, no smell, no taste, no being, no space.
Think too much.
But really Think!

A commentary.
See how you compose, conceptualise the surroundings and yourself.
Stop doing that.
and you don’t see.
It finishes.
and so do you.
You are not your “mind”
You are not your “body”

If you are, you are.
not having anything at all.
You are not.

Time is a “flow” of sensations, but sensations do not flow, nor does time.
An “event” is the time frame where a change is made and/or acknowledged/recognised.
It is conceptual time and the time of conceptualization.
Other time is not conceptualised into an event and as such does not exist.
Things do pass nevertheless and “things” do change.

You are dependable of things and things of you. Nevertheless they do exist wether you conceptualise them or not, wether you are or not.

Fin lan dia

ah

All the things I think I do I don’t do, unless I have to.
Original though of, what the hell I’m going to do here for 3 weeks turns to, oh my less than a week and I still haven’t done this and this.

Beautiful people here, but I still think I might live somewhere else.

In germany they estimated my dentistry to be about 700€
I came here, over here it has been 670€ with government health support (but in private dentist, to public side in helsinki you have at least 3 months lines). So what do I learn, just fix them where you are… And I’m not even sure how well is it made over here… since the teeth that had cavities didn’t hurt, but now after fixing they do hurt.. And now I also lost one wisdom tooth that still keeps bleeding.. slightly..

Good news is that after last sunday’s dancing in the jam my back feels normal. It was hurting for a long time after Ibiza. But now, it seems to be quite ok, although I need to take care of myself.

Did a treatment for Gesa. I was really tired, but I also felt that I should be doing it more. There’s so many things from which I feel I should do it more. Singing, playing, massaging, dancing, writing, reading, art.

Since a loss of warehouse space I’ve been organising a lot of my stuff again… Just noticed, oh yeah. will I get my home at some point, where to listen all of the tons of vinyl I have. And, I still have plenty of music I haven’t really listened to.

Got a bunch of stuff from raster-noton, and that label doesn’t let me down. Some brilliant stuff. Most of the UNUNN series are delightful… well.. half… and Senking is really good.
Digitized some stuff from drone records drone-mind series and they are brilliant as well.

Right now listening to Nadja’s Queller which I should get in the starting week on vinyl. Great great great. I am still amazed of the quantity and quality that Aidan makes. There’s so much, and all of it is if not superb, then good.

Soon back to frankfurt and school. things to do. Would like to visit some friends close to germany but again it seems like there would be no time at all. we are busy all the time till xmas holidays.

Really no great revelations. I could write about the books I should read, but I won’t right now. Let’s just say that I heard a (another) lecture by Mårten Spångberg which was inspiring, well, no answers but anyway. Already before the whole public commons and undercommons in FFM was great and lot of inspiring people talking. Then readin Agamben, Patterson and Debord with some others… But a lot more reading to do.
Oh yeah, IF you have a change read Vaslav Nijinsky’s diaries, the real non edited one. It’s great, and saddening at the same time. I remember how few years back “sacre” was in finnish Opera house (the Hodson reconstruction) and now I’m really dissapointed that I didn’t go to see it.

World and people are amazing.

Time ago, St peter

AH

I’m sitting on the bench close to a railwaystation, in kind of a park, or square, but a small one.
You’re inside, buying or changing the ticket. I don’t know, or remember.

Sitting on the bench, watching people, passing, moving on. some sitting on other benches.

Young woman walks through. She has somehow deformed legs, but she’s wearing high heels.
And I want to…
I want to…
Tell that she’s beautiful..
No, first I want to tell her not to wear those stupid high heels.
And then I think who am I to tell her that, we all want to be beautiful. And this is russia, women, beautiful women wear high heels. And she has every right to, even if it seem to make her walking even more difficult or painful.
And I can’t pity her, because pity does nothing.

There’s so many crossing emotions through me, so many wants and eventually being so helpless to do anything that could change anything. I feel tears swelling in my eyes.

I want to tell her that she’s beautiful
I want to tell her that she’s beautiful
I want to tell her that she’s beautiful

Tears running on my cheeks…

Passing your…

Ah

What is happening?
I want a wife and family, tricky to find though.
Oh, and a nice job since at somepoint I do need things to do, except when the children are small.

So did my class on Cunningham. Was lost, and finally by copying what was done in DVD found a physical senstaion that was the base of the class.
Class didn’t really go so well.. but it was interesting nevertheless. I’m out of counting beats.
So afterwards, because we had the wilde woche in monsounturm, teaching professional classes. But my class wasn’t professional, I didn’t teach. The funny thing is that I understood it really well, but still there was this moment that it doesn’t feel good. I wrote about it a lot…

I am an image. How I see myself is an image. How others see me is an image. Image(s) are created by actions but also how those actions is perceived/valued. Since my value system is different than (possible) surrounding group, the image I have of myself is different than image other people have. Thus there is a conflict because of course I want to be appreciated and accepted. In order to “improve” my image on the eyes of others I need to act through their values, which will render the image of myself to something that I don’t appreciate. Thus there’s a conflict. And there’s no escape.
So the only way to work on this conflict is let it last and just follow what I want to do, what is my interest. If teaching dance, professionally or not, is something that I “can’t” do, because the definition of professionalism differs from my own, why am I in this school? Well, I’m here to study, not for the job, not for the society but for myself. I’m only here for myself with the hope I find people who I can share all of this with. I have good people around (I like to group and most of the teachers), I have really good library with plenty of books and it seems that I have the time, so I should take most out of it. For myself.

So now, I have loads of books that I don’t get really to read, because let’s face it, reading takes time. But no worries I can borrow them again. Read Guy Debords “Society of the Spectacle”, reading Agambe’s “state of exception” and yeah, I have a huge bunch of books home. right now I’m downloading the movie Society of the spectacle by Guy Debord. And today I want to go to lecture on Hannah Arendt’s theory of judgement. Great, I just need a bunch of more energy to read and think and people to talk and oh, yeah, someone to share my life with.

It’s… I don’t know what, but on past days I searched of Hannah Arendt, and then I come to Eichmann and then these EU elections and all of the right wing movements “winning”. We don’t really learn a lot from history. At the same time, I understand it. The current capitalist politics is driving people into the point that they want change, unfortenutaly they’re blaming the wrong people. It’s not the immigrants, it’s the whole system of corporations and politics clustered together making decision not based on people’s well being but based on “economy” and consuming. What we need is food and shelter and nice thigns to do, not things, as objects but things to do, as actions. It all is so very simple that we just can’t help but to fuck it up. Amazing.

About objects: I want to get some books for my own. I’m addicted to bags, but I don’t need any. And I would like to get all of the Daniel Menche’s plus the whole missing catalog of Raster-Noton, and bunch of other music. But this is all old news.

In my head there’s 97% certainty, but the 3% is giving me trouble, so I need to solve that 3%. maybe in coming days.

Communication is a funnny thing. Because we all are relations, we are “communication” at the same time we are a complex network of relations so there’s really nothing to communicate.
Old news.

“I wake up today
and take the truth by the hand
Truth is an alien”

Stay

Ah

Not even near helsinki, but somehow home anyway.

Trips to Finland and spain were great.
More in detail. I already wrote something about the work with D & S, It was good, and I thikn very nice beginning, I’m very greatful for both of them working and specially for Sara because she arranged all the spaces we ahd for free and so on. The little work in progress we showed went well as well. It’s just clear that in order to do those things really well that I’m mainly interested, we need more time, and Sara’s back to be ok (she hurt it on the previous week before our rehearsals started). I also performed my solo, got some feedback from the people I don’t know, and a not at all from the few people I know. But it’s like this. I’ll add the video from it to darlingdear.net at some point. Anyway, Sevilla was great, also as a city. Since I was living so close to the center I had a feeling that it’s rather small, but apparently it’s not. The old center is lovely, and I found rather good mint ice cream eventually as well.

Malaga is smaller, as a city it feels bigger, but the old town is much smaller, I found one really nice cafe/juice bar, Ultimo Mono, I really recommend if you’re in Malaga. Was staying at Virginia and Thomas, and they were great, just like last time. One of the best things about teaching CI is actually the people you meet. We had quite a few discussions with Virgi about nature of reality, almost to the point of arguing. Also had nice talk with guys who came from Sevilla to the workshop and stayed at Virgi and Thomas as well. had a ncie change to perform in the contemporary art museum of Malaga, almost totally the same sequencing as in Sevilla, so not so much of improvisation, I should do more in order to find the courage again. But both performances (Sevilla and Malaga) were about 27 minutes. It’s getting longer, and in Malaga I felt it could have taken even a bit more time.
After workshop had a nice long talk with one dancer from Granada, (name escapes me, like always), and we came to conclusion that since it’s all rather hopeless in a way, to dance and make art is more than valid option. Yeah, long discussion about politics and quality and art. I really enjoy talking with people. I wish I could make my living out of that.

Then through Madrid to ibiza. I love the Island, but I don’t really know much people there. And I really don’t find things to do. Then again I’m not good finding things to do anywhere. But it was nice to see Monica and Matias and Sebastian a bit.

Through Madrid to Bilbao. I really liked Bilbao. There was some changes in the arrangements. But Mireya was meeting me at the bus terminal with the boyfriend of her sister (since he speaks more english than she does) and we walked around and he was telling me about the history of the city and showing places. I really like Basque, specially the names, although I forget them, like names always. Anyway, with them and some more friend of them we went to eat pinxos and drink, some more of their friends joining. Pinxos are good, although I think they should put slightly bit more effort to make also vege options. I eat meat, but I just noticed the lack of non-meat non-fish options. Went with Mireyas sister and the boyfriend to arrierra.. uh… can’t remember.. and again had a nice discussion about the politics and specially about education in finland and in spain. As it happens I stayed with Carme, who is a teacher, so I had more discussions about politics, education and so on, within finland and in spain. Workshop was small but nice. it didn’t go quite so well as I hoped, well, it was for 10 hours, and I felt that I would have wished for one hour more. But already most of people we kind of overloaded with the info so it wasn’t bad. On sunday we ended already at 14 and because I was told that I should drink cider over there, I of course wanted to get some. Again the Basque word escapes my memory. Because it’s not Cidra over there, of course. Also, spanish and Basque Cidra is quite different than the english/french one. It’s actually very close to the applewine I can get from Frankfurt. But, we went to eat some pinxos and dring Sagardo (Cidra, google finds everything, even if my memory won’t). Afterwards I stayed it Uxue and we walked around the city as she showed me places and told more about the history and so on. Very very lovely evening.

So, it’s nice to travel and talk with people, but it would be nice to create something bit more stable with them. or have a stable place where to talk with people and create and then go out and talk more and share perspectives. Teaching is one way, but I start to dislike the idea of teaching, meaning that there would be someone who knows. Teaching is almost always working within a hierarchy and creating a hierarchy, and lately I’ve been thinking a lot how is it possible to create classes that would deconstruct hierarchies, or even deconstruct identities, identity. Dasha has been studying critical theory so asked some writers from ehr (need to ask more) and on my last evening in Madrid we were having a dinner with Diana, jonathan and Elena, and I asked Jonathan also to recommend me some books. HE told a bit about the butoh school in dharamsala where the teacher well, doesn’t call himself a teacher but a midwife, and never gives personal feedback. Nevertheless I’m almost sure that even there is a hierarchy of some sort, we humans have great difficulties to do without.

the whole time of my journey I have been rather depressed watching what is going on with ukraina. and yes no one has the full info, but adding up what has been happening in russia for a long time, it doesn’t really look good. And at the same time when watching finalnd, or spain, it doesn’t really look good. It’s amazing, Stalin died in 53′ and he was in power until then. Franco died in 77′ and yet it seems that no one remembers anything but actually votes persons into power who are only limiting the “freedom” of the people. ” ” because freedom is a very tricky concept. but as soon as people can’t gather outside to demonstrate, or those demonstrations are met with unnecessary force. Or legistlations are made to justify that unnecessary force, well. That is some heavy limitations, by the persons/organisation who want to stay in power. And no I don’t understand how any thinking being can support that.

But in this world there’s not so much thinking anyway. What ever the hippies might say. I hope I have written about this already.

With the school I’m lost. I have no idea how to do my next class and how I relate to thins guy teaching cunningham. I don’t get it, I just don’t.

Well, it’s not super serious, of course it is, but it isn’t. So we balance.

Been happy writing thoughts, on paper.
posting them to FB since no one reads this but me, and I don’t think much of people check darling dear.net so often either. Actually I triple post almost everything.. dd, sinewaved, instagram, FB, quadruple.

All this “sharing” and information floting around, only to create me, out of me. Maybe sometimes it tells something, to someone.

Music wise, New Ulver is out, Been out for long. I’m lost. Still haven’t listened it, and I never got so into war of roses.. so I have 2 albums to listen to. Yeah, it’s sad not to be working with somehting nice and earning money to buy all the albums I wish to have.

And Daniel Menche is Awesome, Marriage of Metals and Vilke are superb.

And Rob Crow made a second album in 2011 and I still don’t have it as vinyl, but I have it and just because of Sophistructure it’s awesome.

Otherwise no new discoveries?

Well, Monopot that turned into Rally that turned into Summen has turned into Beta Man. You can get them for free from blacksmokerecords.com, go go.

Goodnight and good luck to you all

And on we go

Ah

Could write, but again I’m nonplussed, what?

That my descriptions for my classes are way too unclear for my teachers.
And I’m thinking how much it has to do with the culture. And how much it has to do with me being unclear or wanting to be unclear.

In someways, clarity is utter bore.

Poetry is never clear yet it is. But what is the content of information? well yeah…

Have worked about 5 days with Dasha and Sara, it’s good but we would need at least 2 weeks more.
But we knew that this is a try out, something to consider, shall we continue or not. Of course D going to Brasil, and maybe S as well, we need to think where and how to continue.. if…
But all and all it’s been great.

Then off to Malaga, then off to Ibiza, then off to Bilbao… then off to Frankfurt.

Interest and uninterest. Engaged, disengaged.
Still thinking how this nothing disengaged from everything.

Life is good.
Actually no, that is a lie.
Life is.

And away

Ah

On the last meeting before the semester break starts, director of the department wonders how to make me really work. I wonder the same.

It all doesn’t make much sense.

I get a call of another disappointment, and I don’t know wether to be ok, or really angry.

I see people on SOS and enjoy immensely.
Some people can be straight and honest and I appreciate that.
I dance with all of my friends and realize that there’s no one like them, that there’s no one like anyone.
It’s such a gift, to move together, enjoy so much that it’s not even enjoying, because in order to enjoy there should be someone to enjoy, and there is just the dance. Immersed into it.

I see shortly my mother and my father. Realising that I’m old, and they’re old. And it might be that I don’t see them for another year unless I choose to visit them. But time seems to be going somewhere eventhough there’s nothing else. And I feel disengaged, too far, and I don’t know how to engage, to tell them again that I love them, and that sometimes I feel I’ve let them down since it seems I still can’t survive without their financial support.

I spend a day with my frined marko, digitazing new and old vinyls. And I feel like a bad friend, occasionally, since it’s so hard to concentrate and be present.

And I’m flying to frankfurt and I’m flying to madrid.
And I sent a message to the message board faintly hoping that someone would answer me, or not just someone but certain someone. And I’m afraid I said too much already because I don’t really know what is there.

And I have this wish of finding.. but then I decide that it’s me who is found. and that someone will find me if it didn’t happen already.

And I don’t find my flight on the webpage, so I call to the airport, since they had strike yesterday and since my flatmate couldn’t get her plane this morning. But they assure me that everything is ok, although is should leave soon.

And I can’t get my phone to download map of madrid to Gmaps… maybe it’s google and not my phone.
but approximately I know where to go..

And I chose not to be in madrid and not to be in bilbao so much, but instead to fly to ibiza to eat the chocklad hearts of my adopted sister… who is a sister of so many. And to see Sebastian and Matias who I like a lot.

And I’m going tomorrow to Sevilla to work with 2 women I haven’t met in two years, and I want to make a piece with them, for them. And it’s exiting and scary at the same time because I just don’t know what is going to come out.. I’m afraid that I will fail, somehow, eventhough I’m not sure what failing is within this context. I was hoping for a trio, but I get a duet, i think.

And I’ll perform “everything’s the same” once again, hopefully in Sevilla and in Malaga. And again I’m afraid that no one like’s it. But at the same time, it doesn’t need to be liked, hopefully it will move someone.

And I’m aware of all of the work I should do for the studies, but I haven’t done that yet… I hope, that in Sevilla I have time to read and write as well… eventhough I’ll not have the big screen for it.

And I notice that I’m an addict since the last thing I pack is the computer and the first thing I unpack is computer.

On perfroming (badly)

Ah

Indecisive decision making

Performance. everything is always performance, everything.
Me eating my bread alone in my room is performing. You see how you perform yourself in order to be yourself?
I perform being good, I perform being bad. So what am I, a continuous performance not ending untill the death takes me or I return?
I performed well, heartrate monitors, timelaps, things to be carried. To play a role when there’s no roles…. wait.. how can there….
So who is there performing? There’s nothing there except the performance and that’s why it’s so difficult to stop because nothing is a scary thing, but it’s scary only for the performance, it is not scary to nothing itself since it is not it. Thus performance keeps on going in order to go and when it stops it is not there and nothing else is there either. So it doesn’t really matter is the performance good or bad, well… it’s an secondary idea because what is important is that it keeps going. Secondary is it a good performance or bad performance. In order to be a good performances there needs to be bad performances. But this performance wants, secondary be a good performance, primaly it wants to keep on going because somehow performance has a sense of living eventhough it is not life itself. Life will go on with out the performance, but performance has difficulties to believe or understand that. Let’s go to the secondary. A good versus bad performance. This performance is this performance and thus this performance makes separate performance in the world, performance ”around” in and in the performances in it. The Grand performance is always just a performance, but the performances can be qualified within it and what is making the qualification, a performance that is comparing other performances to another not seeing that all and all it is just a one big performance. When will this big performance realise itself? or when will the performance truly end all together? If performance is NOT life, can we have life without performance where life is just life. No things all things and life isn’t even life, life is death and death is life and this is it and that’s it.

Free Written on ”body mind precence” workshop as a task to write about performance
Bold parts chosen later on scanning through text and picking “main points”

This text above is also to be found somewhere else.
I felt I catched something but I don’t really get it.
You know, because there is no one to get it.
It’s all crazy around here…

If it would be, it would be this

Ah
I’m trying to keep several thigns up at the same time, according to writing and to where I am writing.
Not very easy that, but at the same time the others are clearly for me so eventhough everything is open in this WWW, I don’t think anyone will ever find those things because I can’t think what would be the interest. Unless I start to write more interesting things about my studies.

Well there’s interesting things about studies, but I’m not articulating those thing very well.
I’m in this mm.. conflict(?) within the interests. Right now I’m reading book by Andre Lepecki, “Exhausting dance” and it’s really hugely interesting, and at the same time I feel that I could never create dance through such a analyctical though points of views eventhough I like to think myself as analytical. Nevertheless when faces with real analytical thinking I have a tendency to lift my hands up and give up.
The world is such a complex network of… yes what… networks. and at the same time world is so simple.
Some of the feeling I get when reading Lepecki, or philosophy, or UG Krishnamurti is that we would have this parasite within us, or within language… That actually the really living thing is something else than the biological beings, but actually the being is really living in the network of language or symbols that the biological beings create, and somehow that network of symbols or that being(s) living there are controlling the biological being, and we are traped within, and only through luck we can break free of it..
And it’s not even social control, it’s far beyond of normativeness of social/unsocial behaviours, it’s hidden inside of the very.. not even language but thinking… not even thinking but being… Somehow

On summer in Berlin I saw a dream.
For a long time I have though, and in some I still think that language is ideas, ideas made visible and without language it would not be. Of course different people think by different means, and language is one way of articulating the idea.
However in this dream I was having dicussion with Sveta who at point had told me that it’s so difficult for her since first she has to make a though and then she has to translate that into english, like there’s double process, first making the idea/though into language and then translating that into another language.
And I was explaining back to her that there’s a double work, that if I use a lot of english like I do now, I don’t need to translate from language to another but i can “dress” the though with the language needed. Unfortenutaly at the moment I have only 2 ways of (a)dressing, Finnish and English.
That living being, a parasite, or truth or what ever is in that space before the language, before the social concepts, bending the biological into it’s use.. until we break free.

Eventually the freedom comes, but it doesn’t come to me, it comes, and it’s only it. It’s nothing else.
So language or thinking is eventually locked up. Now most of the hippie friends will be happy because this is their mantra, but unfortenutaly they’re fucked as well. Because when advocating “feeling”, “heart” “emotion” they are as locked up. Because actually is not language that is locked up, it’s all categories, which tend to come from language, but to be aware without language of somekind doesn’t seem to be possible at all.

I wrote about communication before, and how the only reason to communicate is that there is categories or concept of, I You We Us etc… Leave those and there’s no one and nothing to communicate about. No inside, no outside…
Ah something about language and communication: watch.

So, coming back to myself.. Why am I doing what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Why it would be important to do?
Is there a way to change things when things are always changing?
If not, then why not, and how not not?

More importantly, can dance, movement or non-movement, tell something about where how what when?
If there is me, what is the role of me?
If there is a role.

Yesterday was solictice. Winter started over here, but for me we are heading towards spring. Midwinter is over.

Stop, start.

Gain All Wisdom

Ah

Same place.
Every time I got out today it started to rain.
So wet I get.
Only one pair of shoes since I haven’t picked to other ones from Patricia. But hey, they would get wet too.

Reading through Queering Anarchism.
It’s interesting. But I do wonder how we can cast aside all categories.
And if there is categories is it possible not to have hierarchies.

And then I remember one blog writing from Kaaro in HS, about the tribe whose “rule” is that no one can have power over the other, not even adult over the children. So you can give advises, but you can’t demand, or threat. And then i wonder is it just inside of their society, or do they treat other tribes like that as well. And is it still working, are they there somewhere.

Anyway, humans are categoring machines, it’s part of the survival. And easily those categories are labelled with plusses and minuses. But then, why anything that other people do or be, not concerning me, should be either plus or minus. Well, because the other people create me. And it’s easier to understand what I am if there is only binary system. It’s just simple, but most of us know that simplicity isn’t the nature of the nature. There is the norm.. but norm is actually the most common… and pretty much no one is exactly the most common. It’s the average of all, and no one is that either. The average is collided, melted mix of qualities, but pretty much everyone actual person is divergent somehow of that average.
It’s a picture, almost like ideal, except that it’s not really ideal, just average.

Still the questions which arises about state and individual and freedom are extremely important, they’ve always been but I feel them even more important now when so many power structure are really twisted and working wrong.. So question is, do we really need them at all?
And yet, always when I think of ideal, I think of much smaller community, set of people. How to get everything work with this global net we’re having seems very difficult, and yet, must not give up hope.
Actually, I tell I lie, Give up all hope. Hope does little.
Life is amazing, awesome and beautiful. Even when it’s not.

ok, back to personal. How I label, categorise things, and why am I so intrigued when someone doesn’t fit into my, yes usually, binary system… and yet.. how to make it work otherwise.
I remember one person complaining about mens and womens Sauna, what if he doesn’t feel to fit either one.. But at the same time, most of people who are not ok with the mixed sauna, are using the categories of men and women… and no, s/he didn’t tell which categories we should ask.. But next time when I meet hrem I’ll ask.
It’s so easy in finnish when the personal pronoun is void of gender.. it can be whatever.
In english, it’s much harder, even the language uses binary.
So why then when I see a person I can’t put into binary, I really get intrigued which where to place her/him? Why would it matter unless I have some desires… actually even then, even if I would have sexual or romantic desires towards her/him.. why should the binary matter… because?
At the same time.. I know that I’m not really attracted, this far, to persons I can’t set on the opposite binary than myself. So why do I need to know the binary? Beats me, cultural programming?

However, reading about how actually state has been forging the binary gender and the male “dominance”, made me think of something I read from Giorgio Agamben, but it was a bad pdf… so then I surfed a bit of amazon and made about 300€ basket, which I of course cannot buy at the moment. Although one hundred of that is books of Dogen and the rest Giorgio A..

Funnily enough when trying to solve my computer problem, I found out that well.. maybe just getting bigger screen and wireless kayboard and trackpad.. yes another 300€

The same the same.

Looking for a room. Have seen few nice ones, but it’s ot only me choosing.

Somewhere very far someone is making the way on the train. I think it should be here already.

I come to believe UG, there is no orginal though anywhere.

And that brings to my mind this Butoh school in somewhere north india. Princess Pilar has told me stories about it, and jsut now Jonathan told more stories.. I started to feel that I will find myself over there at some point. But maybe I’m totally wrong.

Old Jesu is greater than the new I’m afraid. Old Unholy is great, still after all these years. I don’t even think it’s nostalgia, I think it’s just good.

I have to activate my writing… to write.
Eventhough everything is being said a long time ago…

Btw, blog is a such and easy format, I even though about making one for the poems… but now..
well.. I don’t know… maybe I keep it in old way html in darlingdear.net

Good night and good luck to you all

Rainy and Gray

ah

In Frankfurt.

It rains a lot over here it seems.

Staying at Katja’s and Patricks. Taking care of the dog and two cats. Well, their roommate has been taking care at elast as much as me.. Like today I haven’t even gone out because I only have tabis whch would get totally wet.

Trying to find a place to live, and get teh byrocracy sorted.
Tomorrow I go see one room.
Next week I think I need to visit the school if I don’t hear from them since I should get 2 papers to finland on next week. Luckily in electronic form.

The UNI starts on 14th.. soon. I can stay here till end of the month, which is great.
Too bad Katja is leaving now when I’m here.

We will have a small class it seems, 7, but 7 is a good number.

The deadline I set didn’t hold. How I keep in trust. And at the same time I feel strangely indifferent.
There’s some anxiety under, somewhere, so far that I’m not even sure is it there.
There’s nothing much either, except that there is.

Thinking back of the summer and how great it was. and how great this is.
Is it?
Why is it?
it is.

Knowing… there’s some sense of growing knowledge, about something that I don’t know yet.

And yes, part of me hopes and thinks that it will turn everything better.
But the knowing tells me that everything is better already.

Going throught the bookself of K&P… nice stuff, I hope I can borrow them when they’re on their way, which they will be.

From the depths of computer and harddrives I found brilliant music. Juana Molina, one album but I need to hear more, since, since Segundo sounds mainly great.
Le Mystère Des Voix Bulgares by Bulgarian state tv and radio choir is amazing as well.
And right now I’m listening to Benoit Pioulard which has been with me for a long time but I haven’t really listened to it. And now I do, and I think I will listen more.

My own musical adventures don’t really go anywhere much.

I have bunch of pictures on my camera from the summer which I want to upload to darlingdear.net’s photo section, and eventually I will.

This computer of mine starts to brake up… when I press the sides of it… like not the trackpad but like 5 cm from the track pad, it’s still the same as I would push the track pad. Which makes writing bit difficult since I can’t really lay my hands on top of it, but need to hold them bit on the air..
It’s how it is.

Wondering the future like always, but it’s interesting, now I have a structure so I know I’ll be “free” on second week of february, which is hopefully SOS…

By the Way, the prices of Kisakeskus have suddenly gone up with 9 euros per day… Every previous year the price went up about one euro/person/day, now it’s suddenly 9euros/person/day.. I don’t know what is happening but it looks like we need to find new place for the festival… Unless we can talk some sense into that. Or then just stop organizing the whole thing. But really I was thinking of organising some smaller even in kisakeskus during the summer, but with these kind of price rates… maybe not.

Anyway, after SOS I have about 6 weeks free… but I really think I need to make some money.. or work.. I was already hopeful of teaching.. but, well, the original suggestion I got didn’t sound super realistic, and now it’s not going to happen..

I need to write a plan of the piece I want to make in Sevilla, and soon… But to get funding for that so soon… Uh, I’m not sure of… Maybe.

All and all, it’s sometimes hard to be yourself when you feel that being yourself, and not playing along certain roles is making things more difficult… but then again, what is difficult and what kind of roles you want to play?

Partly letting go of everything, as much as I can.
Partly holding on of something.

This society, way of living will brake down.
It has happened so many times before.
Maybe now, humans, if we survive are able to create some other system instead of repeating the old.

And maybe I can find that place already now, before the fall.

Cities with Harbour

Ah

A short note once again.

After 3 weeks of ibiza festivals I came to Marseilles to work with Mathilde and the group.
Has been really good. We had our performances yesterday and today… And they went ok, today better than yesterday I think. Tomorrow we are going to do small work in progress showing, but with something completely else.

On tuesday I take a train to Frankfurt. Happy and exited to go there. Reasons why, might reveal themselves later. If…
I need a place to live in frankfurt. Both women I though I could live with have found a place for themselves. And I know I will find really nice place and very soon… But maybe I need to change it to live there alone… Let’s see.

Been doing bodyworks/massages extempore, and getting peopke to cry… It’s interesting… But all by accident.
Still thinking how I can sell this work onwards and enough…
I know I’m good at it, but I know I can be better, with time and experience and studies.

Ok, tomorrow is a change of space, from this what was to something in the middle and then it’s time to travel, and be between a bit more…
But I wait that…

Good night and good luck to you all.

3 weeks of rain

Ah
No, not really, but thinking it’s ibiza and august, surprisingly lot.
Well, I don’t have a long history over here so how would I know, jsut never before in past 5 years.

3rd week of the festival is starting today.. I’m way too tired but I can only blame myself going to sleep at 3 o’clock instead of 00 or 1 and waking up around 9 everyday.

Lovely time lovely people, but it’s quite a lot.
And this year I’ll continue straight one to another week of work, nevertheless I think it will be easy, since not so much people and energy around.

Dancing has been and is amazing, only the coldness of the past few nights has set some challenges.
Either to move fast, keep warm but wear yourself out, or then go fast, then when taking easier getting cold because of the chill.. I hope some more warmth comes to meet us in coming nights.

Heard that Laura (you’re more than superstar) who I met in Fraiburg got into Frankfurt. Being very happy about that since it’s nice to have nice people on your class.

At some moments worried already about the future, but then decided to pass it into the future, since now, over here only things to worry about is clean dance clothes and lack of sleep.

All and all, after wasting few years into nothing… Life is great right now. And it will continue staying great, even if I don’t always notice it…

Feeling that I know more and more.
Trick is to know.
I always knew, but didn’t trust it.
Can’t trust it always now either, but more and more.
Lovely people on our way.

Soon I’ll start the school and I’m thinking how much of that will filter through here… and how much I try to place under another headline..

Things are, as thay are.

Heat waves and rain drops

Ah...
Listening Alan Watts..
How do you write at the same time.
But I do.

Long since…
to whom I write to?

Yes.

After spending five months in finland, well, very small trip just before end of it to Cöpenhagen…
After spending almost five months in finland, it was time to do our first performance evening as TTTT.
It went nicely. I hope ther future performance went as well.
Me, then again left on the next moning towards Ibiza, where we had MTP meeting and then the Wetting of two dear friends. Has any party ever been as good as the wetting? I don’t know, it was good. was dance quite a few hours, with the help of inspiration from Asaf, who seemed to be dancing even more.

After wetting hanged around and tried to help a bit with the house, but I feel that I could have done more.
I need clear schedules I’m afraid.

Flew to Marseilles, to meet Mathilde and Julien. Went to Apt and ended up to sitespecific performance, ate great sausages had fun, and on the next day continued towards the mountains to do the global underscore. You know what, dancing is great.

after returned to Marseilles, did a version of “everything’s the same” but didn’t take on video.

on last day, went to have a little walk along the calong with Julien and then hopped into the train to paris where Natalie was picking me up with Velip. Bicycling is great.

La ferme jam was great, since dancing is great and there was great people dancing.
So of them were well met, some of them even better.

Flew to Poland where enjoyed a lovely hosting of Wileka and finally found the yellow black onitsuka tiger’s mexico ’66 on right size and bought them.

I wasn’t expecting much of the Warsaw Flow, but hell, it was one of the best festivals I’ve been to. Big part of it was the smallness (I think 50-60 people) and at the same time the other festivals that were happenign around and were incorporated loosely in. So almost every niht after jam there was a bar in next by lawn and hammocks and a stage, so I went with someone(s) to have beer or two… some night there was party and music… and then on my way back to hostel there was another party… Dancing dancing.

After all of the enjoyment, spacially after my two little workshop days when we were in the bar drinking beer and making bodyworks… I went to berlin.
Berlin is hippy or maybe it’s the people I meet there… well, Lemmer is not very hippy at all.

I had the reason to return to Paris, so I did, and am here now. It’s been really really hot. And today is the first one that it’s raining. at times… rain and heat.

So…
More personal..
Human being is a strange thing.
When I though I didn’t get into the Frankfurt University of Music and Performing Arts to study dance pedagogy, I was rather sad, depressed…. Then when I heard that actually I’m in, I have this.. Uuhh, what, I need to be in frankfurt for 2 years… aarrghh.. But actually it’s quite pleasant.. to ahve a structure around once again… Of course there’s a lot of questions, mainly about time and money but all and all I’m rather happy about it…

That’s about it… again… later.. maybe about control, freedom…

We will clean our mess

Katya filmed this. An improvisation.
Very important moment for me.

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