Another rainy day


In florianopolis it’s rains a lot.
When there’s sun, it’s hot an burning.
Still I like it, somehow.

Since last time I’ve done 2 workshops over here and performed. Went to Porto ALegre, done workshop over there and performance.

Sveta came here as well. Telling first that she doesn’t know does she want to be with me. Then she knew. We have a bit of the problem talking since our words are not working on the same plane. And something has changed for her and she has met people who can understand her heart without words. I can’t. Yesterday we were talking about commitment again and how I feel that we understand it differently. From the way she talks I feel that for her commitment can be broken at any time. For me it cannot. It can be broken, of course, I have done it, but if it’s commintment it can’t be broken alone. To commit is to want. So if I commit to someone, I’ll work with the other person in order to make it work. And it might be that it doesn’t work even after trying. To me commitment is a lot of the want, so when I meet other desires I still want to choose the one I’m committed to, and that is the thing that makes me alive. It seems to me that for her that makes her a bit dead, because she actually desires something else. So I asked her if she wants and open relationship and she answered that maybe she dosn’t need any relationship.

It’s so hard when I’m relating to words so much. I know that the words lie as well and that there is other levels and plane’s of communication. But.. Somehow tired again. Of course I’m questioning myself of what I want. is it really that I want a committed relationship that would last for life. There is an ideal for that in me, but is it what I really want? I still feel that the answer is yes, it just seems that it will not be so easy to find a person who would feel the same.

I talked with Alexandra few days ago. It’s nice, I like her a lot. She was telling how she feels on somethings and somehow it was nice to hear. It kinda showed me why I didn’t go to germany over a year ago. Because it seems that all of the things I was afrai of would have happened. Of course, you never know what would have happened but persons are mainly patterns so if the pattern is occurring now it’s probable that it would have occurred anyway.

And the things are still there. Status, my place in world and heirarchy. I want to get rid of it. But it’s really difficult. I don’t really value myself because I don’t know how and what to value. I have no status, no money, no home, no job, no long itme relationship, no… I’m not open, not nice, I’m heavy, and dark I’m pessimistic, I think too much, I’m too closed, I don’t get things done, I do’t have the initiative. These are the things I hear. These are also the things that I see. And if I think about status.. I don’t really think I would be happier if I would have the “normal” job and a flat and a… How knows. But I feel there’s a pressure that I should have or done these things. And for sure, if it was by the work I want to do, I would be happier. But this far Only option that I have seen to achieve that have been through the work that I don’t really want to do. So what do I want to do then?

I would like to teach. I’m not sure often what is it that I would like to teach since there is so much to learn for myself. And at the same time I have no clear interest to study. Wierd. And teaching… well. I feel that I am good in that. but often I feel that people either do not agree or they don’t value the things I’m teaching or my persona comes in between. And this far I don’t know how to keep my persona out. But like now. I was in Porto Alegre doing a workshop. I taught pretty much the basic things for me, listening to the earth through the partner and yourself, having that connection clear for all the time. Then adding different aspects or viewpoints of it, but basically everything connected to that. Then on the second day Fernanda who was organizing the workshop ask if I could teach something more advanced. And I was lost, what is more advanced? So I asked what people want to learn. And eventually I gathered that It was pretty much what I was going to teach anyway, giving your whole mass. But people want to elarn what they see, they want to learn that cool looking movement. And within CI I don’t want to teach that unless there really would be a group that has the base of the listenign to the eart through so embodied that actually tey don’t need a teacher anymore, then it would be more like a lab. So what is more advanced? I don’t know. Eventually teahing is just pointing to something. Sign post to the true knowledge that can never be verbal.

It interesting, actually most of the things that we learn is not the knowledge itself but ways to communicate about the knowledge. Like anatomy, We might know name of everybone and muscle but we need them only when we need to communicate something about them, and true, sometimes to make things clear or embody the knowledge we need to communcate about those things with ourselves. (Who is communicating with whom, how many being there is within me, which one is me)

Ok, somehow I read UG Krishnamurti above there. So if you’re interested read. He is saying that there is no new experience, because in order us to know something as an experience we need to have some earlier information where to refer to. Ok this is simplified he’s saying a lot of other stuff too, many thigns which I’m not sure do I agree on. But in a way it just brings out the relativeness of everything. and yet, sensation is ot relative, the communication of the sensation is relative, because in order to communicate the sensation it’s needs to define it and there is no other ways to define than comparisons, but the sensation itself, before it’s communicated is not relative at all? or is it? I think it’s not. But if you don’t communicate the sensation to yourself, is it still there? Of course it is. Again, nature of reality is highly interesting.

Co-incidences happening. Nothing special, just little things. I often try to find meaning in them, but I can’t see it. So I try to let go, and just notice. Co-incidence.

In BSAS I was visiting a Video dance festival and saw documentary from Anna Halprin, “Breath made Visible”. Very good, what was interesting to me in relation to CI was that she was doing some stuff with community project on sixties, that by the look of it was totally CI. But she wasn’t interested about the physics, but emotions.
Later I had a talk with Asaf and Paula and Belen and I mentioned this. Asaf told that he remember Steve saying in some conversation that to him CI was kind of a counter culture in counter culture. Because all of the emotins, community, etc were on top at the sicties and seventies, he wanted to concentrate on the physics. It’s funny, because now people are again so much talkign how CI is so “special” because it’s intimicy, touch, emotions etc. And actually, that’s the stuff people were doing long time before, and that specially is NOT the stuff the artform that became CI wanted to concentrate on. There’s nothing bad in it. just interesting for me who has always approaached CI more from the physical point of view. Rather impersonal.

I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on art level.
I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on personal level.
I wonder is there anyone who really would share the view of commitment and would want to work with that.

Good day and good luck to you all.

Tale to tell?

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