Mar Del Plata

ah
“You’re anti-social mayday mayday”

Well, I get anti social when I don’t really speak the language, when I’m too tired to trying to figure out what is taled about and what the hell is happening next. And specially when I say something and no one listens.

Find out that the workshop I though was surely going to happen is not sure. Trust trust. What my fears are attracting? But I didn’t have fear about that. I though it was sure. So when it isn’t yeah, slightly bit depressed.
Heard from brasil that the workshop I’m doing is not bringing as much money as they hope. Another pleasant surprise.
Money is money but for some reason we need it. Funny enough.
Actually what it brings is the sense in independence. I can eat what I want, I can go where I want. Of course it’s a false sense because eventually everything is interdependent, but at least it gives me more choices of what am I depended on. But the BSAS workshop are not really sure yet. So they will happen. Timing is just different here.

In two weeks I’ll be in airport and going to Brasil. And then the best news that after that in few days Sveta will be there as well. Now that is super.

Yesterday Autarco was leaving and already earlier on I had asked him if it would be possible to do a workshop in rosario, but then he was going to Uruguay. Unfortenutaly he’s lower back is so sore that he decided to skip the Uruguay (NSS workshop over there) and go back to Rosario and invited me to visit. So I thoght about intentions and such and asked again about the possibility of WS. Well.. of course with his back etc etc he can’t really organise it. Ok, so I gave up.
But I’m totally lost with this intention thing. How should it be? My intention is to teach but also come by with it. Like I need to eat, and I would like to choose what I eat. If I don’t say anything, nothing seems to come to me, if I say, I try to ask and suggest to people, nothing seems to come out of that either.

So my prayer stays. Where is my place and what is the thing that I’m supposed to do? And knowing buddhists. I know that there is nothing.
“But really there is nothing”
I know. And yet it would be nice every once in a while that there would be.

Elliott Smith is playing… Great stuff.

Yes I still hope that someone would come and tel me what to do. I understand well the dictatorships. Berlusconi, Putin etc.
What I want to do? To dance to teach, but I can’t seem to find a way…
I stop searching.
Not drifting.
Not flowing.

Oh yeah… If I didn’t mention it here. some stuff is over here now. It seems that because of instagram, iphone and wordpress software for it, viewtheday is dying out… but hey, let’s give it some time still.

Anyway after all of the complaining, I’ve met some very nice people and I have had not many dances per day but all of them nice ones.

Oh and from ibiza they asked if I could halp with the web pages again. And i kinda said yes.. but I think about it a bit still, because it will be for 3 festivals and they are not apying me anything… so.. I’m not sure do I want to go all 3 festivals anyway.

Sasha from moscow is here which is nice since.. well she’s nice. I try to sell myself to teach in moscow.
And for what reason? Well… I would like to go there anyway.
And I haven’t heard anything from Katja B yet and altay… let’s see.
I applied to Freiburg festival, they will answer on december.
And I talked with jenny to do another WS in freiburg maybe in march.

I don’t know. The ebst thing now is that Sveta is coming to Brasil as well. I’ve missed her a lot…
Well I still do. But now it’s not so much time.

Trust.

cycles and circles

ah

Again I think I have lot to write and whe I come here and try to write I go blank or hesitating.

In Buenos Aires, for second week. Festin is over, had a lovely jams, classes and performances as well.
Today or tomorrow to Mar del PLata for Jamarazo, More dancing.
What is missing is my love who is in far far away.
Hoping that she will come to brasil but since neither one of us is really good on money it’s a bit unsure still.
I still haven’t won lottery and I don’t know why.

Anyway what has been interesting is again these internal processes and meeting with fear of getting cheated or left.
Last night she called me, but I didn’t hear the phone. I look at my phone 1 hour later but since we have a 5 hours difference she was already sleeping and didn’t hear the phone.
I feel my body shaking, trembling, this little shake inside even before I think of anything… the fear (and excitement) is already there.
Then I’m thinking.. what is it….
She’s coming to brasil
She’s not coming to brasil
She just wanted to hear my voice
She is leaving me.

And somehow the first though get rejected by fear of getting dissapointed if she’s not coming. The second wont make much sense because why she would call for that. The third doesn’t make so much sense either and funnily it’s the most probable one, but the fear hits get it’s teeth on the last one… And I know it would not make much sense… but somehow the cycle goes on… and I talk to few lovely people and I dance… but my physical being is affected all the time of the not knowing…
That there was somehting and I know that there is something but I don’t know what.
All these circles of fear…

And I don’t know where it really comes from.
It doesn’t come from her. It comes from me.

Finding that I don’t love myself, or at least I have a hard time to really trust and believe that someone really wants to be with me and just me. And how do I judge myself then? what should I be to be more lovable? I don’t know. But I’ve heard so many judgements around me. And they’re also true. I’m not an easy person, but will that make me less lovable?
I have a tendency to try out of those who say that they love me, do they really. Do they really also when I’m not nice and easy. And I’m not talking about romantic relationships only but also friendships.

All of this is just interesting.
All of it is related of course to jealousy.
And few people have said that I should go to therapy.. but… I doubt that. (well now days in finland I could only get private therapy anyway and that means again, money). I don’t see what therapist possibly could tell me.
And anyway… I notice myself changing. Not much, little, by little.

Because it’s true, my ideals are ideals. They cannot be achieved, and yet. I hope they can. But mainly what an’t be achieved is the certainty that the ideal can be achieved. that it is. I know that the ideal is possibility, but I can’t know will that possibility happen. What I can is to work towards that and in relationship, again, communicate clearly what are my ideals, are they common with the other, and can we both work towards that ideal.
I’ve been trying to do that. Now, it would be great if I could be adult and calm with all of this, without fear or being able to handle the fear. But.. I’m not that yet. I’m just a little better than 10 years ago. Little, but better.

It’s also one of my cycles to go somewhere, have other part of the relationship somewhere else, and then deal with all of these feelings. I’m getting better at that too… because now, I can be bit more open and enjoying what I have around me over here, eventhough she’s not here. And yet, she’s somehow here, with me, in me. And if I could trust, I would be at ease. Not yet, but getting there.

Over here, Been having few lovely performances. Been having lovely dances. Been meeting lovely people. And been used to somehow understand what is beig talked about, yet missing the most important point totally.
Somehow I feel glad that Sasha from Moscow is here and will be at Jamarazo. Also Sebastian has been nice to have here. But also the whole organization team plus other teachers have been really really great.

haven’t played much with kaossilator… somethings.
Found one realy nice (beginning of a ) song (of mine) on my computer… I hope I can get guitar on my hands sometime soon…

After Jamarazo there should be few workshops in BSAS and then I’ll go to floripa… where I won’t understand much again because of portugese I understand nothing.
But over there few workshops, and few performances and then xmas and change of a year. I just hope that Sveta can get over there.

On the back of my mind, like quite long time now, is still thoughs about home and a place to live and stay. Travelling is nice if you have home to return to, but when you don’t have home.. and just traveling.. uh.

Haven’t done much of Thai now, hope in mar del Plata I can do more. I will offer it.

At the same time I’ve been doing the registration of SOS. Festival is full. Now I’m waiting to see the cancellations.
last year there was a lot, but somehow this year I feel that there will not be so much. Some really lovely old people coming, and a lot of new ones as well. I hope Monika gets herself there.

What to write… Personal, unpersonal…

Ah.. One reason to have a home and steady job is music. From Marko I got Silversun Pickups and it’s great. I don’t know how I have missed them.

Also new stuff coming all the time… So home and time to listen would be welcome as well.

Ask me.