Slowly over the years

ah

“Did you see her walking
did she come around here, sir…”

I don’t know why that song is in my head now.

Broke a tooth. One broken earlier.
Silly me, doesn’t take care of me.
Went to the dentist.
He suggested crowns and pins and needles and bill of 1300€
Such a lot of fun.

“So you’re suffering. I know it hurts a lot if it’s the first time.
Whenever I begin, make sure to keep my empathy inside.”

I’m no adult come to help me. Well well. So I need to make 1300? I have no job and more importantly I have no bloody idea what I can do. What can I do? teach CI, dance, mediocrily (I bet that is not a word).
Anybody giving me money for it? No, yes, but a little. Nevertheless I appreciate hugely all of you lovely people who have organized my workshops around, and actually maybe couple of good workshops would cover my teeth. Anybody wants one? a workshop I mean. I have one in ibiza starting tomorrow, two times a week for three weeks but somehow I think I won’t make money out of it. unfortunately. A bit, but not much. Last year was better me think.

So I was thinking this same. What can I do that people would give money for it. more or less. And Lo! Stefano from mallorca is here (he was also in SOS this year) and he gave me a working title: holistic personal trainer. So instead of just doing few abbs and dabbs and whatnot, I can help you to construck your life totally. If you feel that you need help for this, of course. Of course after having a few existential conversations with me you might feel even more loss.. or then not… but nevermind. I’ll help you reorganize, question your values and reveal you hidden conditionings. I know because I know most of mine. have I got rid of them? Hell no, but hey. maybe you can even if I don’t. And I can but only by letting I go so who can?

I’m tired of myself, so who is tired of whom?
I love myself so who loves who?
I love the conditions of my life?
Or is it something… mmm deeper. (deeper is a wrong word, since deep is often oh so very shallow)
I have a need to be good and healthy and survive and success.
health is the most clearest one, so why I don’t take better care of myself?
Good is so totally relative that we can spend ages just t figure out what the good means at the moment and since we use ages it’s gone already.
Success is the same. succes in what how where to whom.
Do I feel succesfull. No I don’t.
Where do I need to succeed?
I have no idea but I recognize that the need is there.
More money bigger car beautiful house and wife and children. And then what? what it all has to do with me?
Nothing. So who is me in the first place and what the hell is suucess.

But I know I would like to be on the stage a bit more. but I can’t get myself there. Stage. But no one will employ me unless they see me in the stage first. maybe not even then. Why do I want to be in the stage, to be watched? I do not know. But improvising feels good to me.

They asked once themselves: what do I teach when I teach contact improvisation.

But really there’s nothing.
Yet everything is.
Isn’t it wonderful.
How we can be so bored and unpreciative towards all of this.

I was told that sometimes people need to pay money in order to appreciate it. We were talking about guru’s and money.
And I say, but if you really want to change something, why would you charge for money.
Because a person who need to give money in order to appreciate the beauty of a flower doesn’t apprecite the beauty of the flower, but the prie tag that someone put onto it. So if I wish that people would apreaciate the beaty of the flower, how could I ask money for it, them getting/seeing/hearing the flower. If they don’t appreciate it as it is, they don’t get it anyway. Money won’t help….
But maybe, after all, Man named UG (I haven’t read much, just a bit) is right and everything boils down to money in this world. There’s nothing except the illusion. That tells me that buddhist (some of them) are right after all. WE live in illusion. I do. My teeth are broken and I worry about the money how much it’ll cost to fix. So I worry my health (again), would I worry if it wouldn’t cost so much? Good question.
Things boil down to money…
So then I am said… if they (guru’s) shouldn’t ask money should they be silent. I think it might be much much better. and I might think that if you truly wasn’t there would be no you to care about money. so also no taking it. Everything I can give is for free. But then, now, I need money. So I rather think, what do I have to give that would be seen as worth of money.
Could I do an exchage with the dentist. Few good bodyworks for tooth?
Money is a symbol of that exchange. So is it real after all.

You see, I’m perfect holistic personal trainer. I’m even more fluent when just speaking.

Last night I saw a dream where I was in my grandmothers summer cottage. There’s two houses and we were sitting kind of in the middle, having a dinner. I don’t remember exactly who. I look at the lake and the waves are rather big. We keep talking. waves get bigger. And then there’s a wave that comes over the treetops. washing us away… I run towards the old house.. and then towards my cousin (?) and then I wake up…
I though that my grandmother had dies. And Lo! Today there’s a message that my grandmother has died last night. But at least 4-6 hourse before I saw the dream. She had been demented a long time. So we expected this and I waited for this. Finally she’s in rest.

I saw two other dreams that were so clear… and do I remember them? no I don’t.

My beautiful leah..

Peace be still

Ah
Unfortenutaly I can’t remember the artist of this piece.

In ibiza. Trying to find things but there is something wrong with me then I think. I find nothing, I don’t really see the pathways to proceed.
It’s nothing new really…
Somehow I feel it’s connected with typical finnish… errr modesty or honesty. Like can I teach yoga? No I can’t. Can I do massages. Yes I can, but….
can I pick fruits? Of course. Have you done it? err… not so much…
The truth is that I haven’t really worked a lot. In railways, kindergardens and as a dancer and teacher.
But what can I teach? well now, that is a good question.

I’m doing a CI workshop in la Nave, let’s see how people will find it.

I’m looking for a scooter and funnily they all are super expensive. (600€)
And I’m probably here only for a month or so… well… I had an idea to be here till 100 Dancers, but now… I’m thinking of somehow getting myself to Meganom and Moscow… All of this means that No money for the july… but then I don’t know would there be money here either. Money money money…. Do I need money… do we need money?
It has just gotten out of porportions. Because money is not totally bad thing. Most of us we like to get something back when we give something. Funny enough. But somehow we have forgotten that money is only a sign of common exchange. Ok. I’m bored of this already.
But I just wish that all of those opposing money would tell me how to do it then…

How the change comes?
How do I change?

The Obvious

ah

So I was browsing… not knowing what to do or what to… anything..
ended up on holy books and I found out that there is (at least) two Krishnamustis. J. and U.G. And they had even talked together. Well I had heard about J Krishnamuti before, but not about UG. It’s interesting because he seems (quickly browsing) base a lot a real physical change, not spiritual but physical. How ever to me he sound rather bitter old man to be honest.. and somehow… what he’s saying I hear them as a confirmation of what most of “enlightened” ones have been saying all the time. Including J.Krishnamurti who UG held, if I have understod right, as a fake. So still being bound to words as a means of understanding…

But somehow this made me understand that Truly there is no enlightment. Of course I have understood it before. It is actually said in previous post as well.
If there is no me, no individual, separate self, who is the one who is gettting enlightened? No one. so there is no one there. No one to get enlightened.

And I think about this article I read about loss of memory and how there is no personality anymore. And I think about my grandmother. who is my grandmother who doesn’t know being my grandmother anymore. Or does she, how could I know, there’s no understandable communication anymore. And understandable communication. No more words with meanings, symbols referring to relation, things, beings, relations of things and beings. Somehow this thing that I think is me, a separate, individual self, is created by that communication, relation. and since it’s existing only by relation and comparison, it has no true subtance, no real me.

So who is getting enlightened.
There is no enlightement happening in time. Enlightement is all the time all the space everywhere right now and now and now.

So If I, me, individual separate self is a dream, who is waking up from the dream? when your dream woke up from it self? no it was you waking up from the dream, but if you are the dream. There’s no wake up. Dream vanishes, subsidesm diminishes and there is no you, me. what there is? Ultimate reality? and is it any different than this reality? I think. not. (dream is thinking) It’s completely the same reality. but instead of understood through symbols it’s understood there. And you know what. we all truly understand it right here, now.. all these words drive me further apart.

And yet. I love words. I live thinking. And I love, something what I call intellect. (“Over thinking over analyzing separates the body from the mind” tool in my headphones just now).

So somehow more banal notions. Festival is starting. This is my… 3rd year… I think.. and again it’s somehow interesting to see, that in my opinion most of the organisation hasn’t learned anything. I feel that there is just things thrown together, without intellect, without thinking why structure should be how it is… etc. That is no surprise to me. (and I know everything will work out quite fine anyway) What is a surprise to me is that I still get annoyed and angry. That there is such a craving for working organisation, people who think. I admire intellect, thinking. eventhouh it separates the body from the mind… and yet. reading Dogen or Watts or even Tolle I sense that they think. There is a though there. There is an intellect. How enjoyable it is to be with people who can use multilayered forms of communication and just with words and presence. Like I know it’s me making interpretation. and I actually enjoy (sometimes) of not knowing what is the other one saying… or when I can sense the double or triple meaning out from the words and gestures and situation. And it’s all intellect, but highly bodily intellect.

And then intuition or feeling. How I judge my intuition, feelings. I try to listen more and more of them, but since I know that I have tendency to make certain kind of interpretations based on my hopes and fears, I often discard my feelings telling me things that I hope too much or fear too much… And me… perception is getting in ways more and more sensitive.

Last summer I was told that I don’t take good enough care of myself. I realise it is true. Out of laziness or not wanting to admit the changes, or not being able to react on them.

Enlightment is now.
Light is. And when there is something in the light, there will be shadow.
And to have a dream, there must be reality. to have reality there must be dream.
To have a truth, you need a lie.

Comparisons, relations, connections.

All
Is