Come on come on, don’t you get bored with

ah
Time ago in romania. and good coffee, in a nature day.

Again I’m completely lost of what and why am I writing.

Went to local new age/hippie store to ask some books and check tarot cards. What am I?
Anyway I was lookign for Zhuang Zhoun’s Zhuang Zi, a book that is around the same time as tao te jing. Another “base” book of taoism. Well the problem is of course the alphabets. And ow to translate chinese. The woman in a bookshop found four different ways to write the author. at least. and then to know is it really the book that I’m looking for… She also showed me I Ching, the famous version. well I hanged around looking and suddenly she says to me, Hey I found the book you were looking for from the shelf but written like this: Chuang-Tzu. Well great. I also found really beatiful version of Tao Te Jing in finnish, but just couldn’t afford it. And I bought one slim version of I Ching.

Now, when consulting I Ching is rather easy. If you just tell yourself to be modest, compassionate, calm, acceptive, gentle, you’re pretty much done… So no need to consult anything.

Last week I was performing. First in Riga, (where I got some sign by the way. Just wishing I would know what the hell do they mean) where the performance went rather well. And then on next day in Helsinki where the performance went well, but I felt it wasn’t so… calm, like descended.. I don’t know the right words really. Because I was much more nervous in Riga, and the timings were really the same, so I can’t say that Helsinki one would have been hasty, but somehow it wasn’t… as full, hard to describe. Didn’t get much feedback but the little I got was mainly positive of course. Nice thing was that my father came to see it (and my mother too, but that was no surprise), and afterwards he said that he understood something about it. I asked was there something to understand? well maybe there was. It’s nice.
Anyway, the performance, already before talking to Katri, made me, again, think about dance and acting… how far or close they are together. And in a way to me it has something to do with the approach. Like I had a lot of things in the solo that have a ot to do with expressions, but I approach them with physical task or interest, where as if I think I would be acting I would approach them with more emotional content… Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t even know does it matter much, after all, I have no idea when I’ll perform again. Well, I don’t even know where I’ll be in a five days time.

My skin is still pushing out stuff. And I’m getting very tired of this. One set of antibiotics. Big scars. Loads of ayuervedics. Another set of antibiotics. And still… I wonder will they give me more antibiotics or actually do some test this time. Yesterday Jari recommended aloe vera, orally. not on the skin, ut to eat because it pushes all the bad stuff away and helps the skin also from the inside.
I do not know.

I noticed that I can never be producer, music one. At some point I was thinking of that, but nowdays I notice that I just don’t care enough of the sounds, I care of the melodies, riffs, rhythms, and if they work.. well the sounds have to be really bad to mess it up. I know they can, but still.

These weeks before have been so tearing, and this week has been quite easy. I just haven’t been thinking much. I still think I might leave in few days, and I might not. What I have learned that love is just not enough. I wish it would, but it is not, there needs to be other things and qualities as well if you think of living together with someone. After all I did love Valeria but it was soon so evident that living together would be just too much. And I still love talking, discussing about things of importance and of no importance, because eventually not much of things have the importance, except love of course.. Or art or living or right and wrong and good and bad.

And I don’t know why do I live.
It’s a mystery, like for so many of us, but I feel that I would need to.. hell, even to feel that there’s a reason. I don’t need to know.

Long time ago, and I think I’ve written about this before, I though that suicide is for cowards. Now days I startto think that people who commit suicide are either extremely drowned in suffering or really brave or both. Because the biology keeps us living, without anyother reason. And I know there’s no other reason to live except to live. So what is the big deal then. Why all this trouble. We live how we can.. Why do I want to be happy, even remotely happy.

And why it is so hard to find ways to be happy… when drowned all of this society and getting along.. buy things get more money be succesful.. what the hell is to succeed?
Nothing ever fills me. And I’m always fulfilled. I want to believe that, I just need to realise and experience that as well…

So nothing much…
Few things about music.
Final/Fear Falls Burning collab is great. I like it more than either ones work alone. Beta Lactam records have been annoying me since post lost their packet they send long time ago, but I wished thay would have let me know when they sent it.. But they’ve been having troubles anyway. Nevertheless I want to thank them and mister Aidan Barker for releasing Songs of Flowers and Skin. Because it’s is great. I really like when mister Baker goes Poppy and Songy eventhough I do appreciate drone/ambient stuff as well. But Songs of Flowers and Skin is to me very close to Green and Cold and Figures. Actual songs. And again having this strange rhythm things… like drums wouldn’t be always exact on the beat, and somehow it sound great.
Been listening quite a few times Mono’s Holy Ground live, and they’re good, they are. Also tried to get into Shining’s black jazz, but the only song I really get into is Fish Eye and specially the extended version (vinyl only?) of it.
“New” Jaga Jazzist was a dissapointment, to be honest, but it’s not bad, it’s just that the expectations were so high. Trying to find new metal, but been very hard to find anything worth mentioning at the moment. I have to listen more stuff though. Ulver, Aidan and Nadja still playing a lot.

That isn’t all, but it’s all for now…

Tale to tell?

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