5th ending

ah

A long time has passed and too little seems to be changing.
I feel that I’m trapped inside my own fears and unability to move into any direction.
Long long time ago I wrote lyrics about how choices give me anxiety. They do.
Because what ever I choose, it’s so easy for me to regret. I wish I could have a little peak into the future. Just to see which direction.
Anyway, either direction don’t seem to keep me much in finland.
In a way that is good, because I just can’t figure my way out in here, but maybe it’s partly because I havent been here and thus I haven’t created stable… mm.. visibility?
I so hoped I would have enjoyed Argentina. and well, I did but..
And now, what are my choices.
Reason versus love. And this is wrong way to put it, because nothing is pure reason or love. I would choose love, if there would be only reason. But there is a lot more than just reason.
And I think I hate to suffer, but maybe because I’m still in this situation I like to suffer. Or maybe I’m just so much afraid of even bigger suffering that I cant move myself from this place.

For a long time this has been.. So should I see it through. But for a long time this has been, and it has never been easy. What if I would really go into another direction and see does relationships have to be so difficult all the time. Or is it just me who want difficult relationships? Because I seem to connect “strong” emotions to partly negative emotions. Big highs, and big lows.
So I am still stuck. And it’s not only me who is suffering, I’m also causing it to others. I’m not happy about this.

I want more lives than just one, so I could try out all the possibilities.

Another thing which I haven’t given so much of though is that I am performing “everything’s the same” hopefully in riga on next sunday and definetly in helsinki on next monday. Do I know what I’ll do? I do, in a way, but I would like to know a bit more.

Anyway for that I made the 5th ending… I should do sixth as well. 5th ending because do I want it or not, everything’s the same do continue the set of “huomenna, kun olet poissa” (Tomorrow, when you’re gone). So there was 4 endings. Now there’s a fifth one.
I have no idea where this came to my head. It was morning on the mountain. I whisled this little repetition and pretty soon Joav and Irina where humming it as well. And we went with Sebastian… and it kept on playing in my head. So I hummed it into my phone. And it has kept reappearing into my head. So now it’s out with garage band. Of course the string don’t sound super real, but almost. And it’s not going anywhere, because I don’t know where it should go (just like myself) So I just keep adding harmonies in. It’s around 5 minutes again.
I know I should do the 6th ending, but I’m not sure do I really have the time, eventhough I have repetitive tunes in my head.

Still why do I need to suffer. I never knew I can feel so much similar feeling towards two sucha different persons. I curse myself being romantic. I curse myself reading Ursula Le Guin and always those people in the books being so brave, going against the whole society, just because of love, the feeling. And I know that feelings will fade and change. But I feel I’m tired of going along with them. And I know I can change them. I want, I want, I want…
I know what I want but no one can make sure that I get it, because my want is so dependable on the other one. And it’s funny, I’m not afraid of myself falling in love to someone else, I’m afraid the other one falling in love. And yet I know that if I do commit now, me falling in love to someone else than my companion will not take me away from her. I know that I can direct that love back to my relationship. I know that I don’t even fall in love so easily… I get attracted, yes, but falling in love? No not so easy.

I’ve been praying for clear sign. Some of us do get signs. I want one, because if the outside is just reflection of the inside. Outside sign is from inside. So universe. Give me a clear sign. As clear as for her.

Something that I wanted to tell: I think it was the last night in Ibiza. We’re sitting outside of “la nave” with Sveta, having not so heated discussion, and suddenly I see something bright flying fast in the night sky. It can’t be a plane because it was either so low that plane would have made noise or if being higher going so incredibly fast that I have never seen sucha planes. And it was bright. I think not comet or meteorite either.. I have no idea, so UFO.

5th Ending

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