Circles, not perfect
In moscow,
Sweating,
Hot like… hell?
From ibiza I went to Kiev, there I noticed something in my head, scalp, then on my arm… and then pimple in my thigh I tried to squeeze.. Didn’t work out.
Left to crimea, Meganom.
No running water, no electricity, no toilets no showers.
But a spring near by, endless hot sun, hole in the ground, black sea.
But my sking go worse.
Three.. boils, infected, inflamed. Pushing out puss, blood, swollen.
Thank (insert your preferable deity here) Natasha is (was) a doctor. And Katja is visiting city, and you can get antibiotics without recipe in Ukraine (and in russia as well)
Finally antibiotics. 5 days behind, 6th just started. 7th is the last one.
And over there, I tried to go inside, to see what is it that I can’t push out so my skin needs to do it. And I don’t know. I know that everytime I talk anything serious with that ukrainian sweety I get mad. And I know that I have a pattern to long somewhere or someone else who is somewhere else. And I have some one to long for? And I don’t know do I long for because her or because it’s my pattern?
Dozing days in meganom, trying somehow, to dream to think to vision my way out of the pain, the burn. Waking up at nights sleeping at days. waveform, dream wake dream wake and reality becomes a mix. And I can’t really dance because those two places are so sensitive. In the beginning yes, on the first day. after that only few dances, mainly with people I know. Lovely dance with Mirva, and lovely talks through out the time there.
And I get so annoyed Ruslan going on about buddhism and his lama ole and diamond way. And I remember the pattern from teens… In congregation, to go against. And the most meaningful people there were always the ones who acted, not talked. And Ruslan keeps talking, Lama ole, But I can’t see the actions, Except hedonism. And I can’t see “be your own guiding light” because all I hear is lama. Not what he thinks. And I think, he doesn’t think. Ethics are way too hard and delicate, when we share no common language.
And I am angry. somehow, and I can’t express it because I have no real reason.
It’s just not the way I would like to follow and I don’t. And I envy that it seems to be so easy. To come and go and be forgiven.
Most meaningful people there were those who acted, not talked. And I talk.
I wanted something pure, Someone pure, But how when I am not pure. There is no purity.
And then it’s over. And I get so annoyed leaving, because people don’t use common sense.
Why it’s necessary to do things stupidly. And only second reason to suffer is that I am not well.
25 hours in train with Lior. I think we both slept most of it. I finish the Unseen Academics which is delightful. It’s pratchett, don’t think he would reinvent himself now.
And Moscow. hot moscow, going to some new people (maybe) there’s so many masha’s. And Asya takes me there, and no Masha but his brother Misha who is becoming a doctor. And he looks at my thigh and tells me that if I go to doctor I’ll be at least seven days in hospital because they will cut it open, and run through test, and I think. No. He also says that he thinks it’s possible to handle like I’m oing now. So good. If this turns to worse I head back finland.
And then yesterday evening. Polina gives me reiki. After it, Sasha comes and tells the trouble. My host Masha didn’t tell her parents (who are also living in the flat) that she going to host 3 people there, because parents should be out of town. But for some reason her mother is back and angry. Polina tells she can take me. So I go get my stuff, and I estimate the times and distances wrong. End up running from metro to masha/misha’s place. Running is so nice, and I wonder how I have so much stamina after and still being sick, not doing anything for 8 days. But I have, I can run.
Then there’s the teachers meeting, and VOW. I said that this is going to be really good festival. and this really will be. The group of teacher this year is so nice bunch of people. I like, and It’s difficult to dance, but I do dance, because I want to dance. Pain is there, but the joy out of moving overrules it easily.
My thoughts going on circles, what if what if what if. And again I have skype calls.
And somewhere in my mind count the passing time. An I don’t want this. I want to be where I am. But I want this, because there is something, more than just a feeling, possibility to talk, share thoughts by words, and I love words and to play with them.
My thoughts are words.
And I have to think and thank of Anatoli, who translated my sharing in meganom and I think no one else of the translators would have done it as good as him, mindmapping, or mindfucking according to Mirva. Well anyone can fuck anyway, but some reason not all of the people are able to mindfuck. I enjoy both… except, I would rather make love, in both ways.
Today on the meeting I wrote three highest of these
I will be alright.
