The way is dim

ah
Don’t quite know what to write and why to write it. To whom would be a good question as well.
I’m used to be quite able to verbalise my thinking and also my emotional states, but lately I feel that I cannot connect my emotional state, or emotions into verbal reality. All is unclear. And I try to rationalize it, the be rational, automaticly, but I now that it’s not the answer. So I’ll stay unclear, it will become clear, eventually, in a way or another. There’s a fair change that I don’t like the way, or the ending up, but it will become clear.

I’m grateful to those who are able to bear with my uncertainty and unclarity.
Often we are not clear anyway, even when we think we are. Maybe something is clear to ourselves, but we are not able to communicate it clearly to others. Maybe.

I was visited, I am happy for that. I enjoy so much to have some one to talk with.

Now I’m not clear, and I start to wonder when I was, really, It seems like a long time.
And yet, it’s always related to situations or aspects. Everything is not unclear. I know I want to dance. I know that it’s going forward. The CI dances I’ve had with last year… Vow.

Yesterday I went to night market, to see Barbi (who wasn’t there) and Vicky (Who was there) since I’m going tomorrow evening. And I met Chris too. And then I met Juan who told that he’s playing in half an hour, inside, in a band with two women. He invited me to see, and I went. Now, the leading woman was superb singer, and damn good guitar player as well, and songs were good as well, but what really took my attension was the bassist who was super cool. Women playing bass, but not just that, she was just so cool. I fell in love.
But love is not the feeling. just this…Ah…
I hope the band (and specially Juan) all the best.

So I am leaving tomorrow. I’m getting tired of being so poor that I’ll always travel with bad connection. tomorrow at 23 to gatwick, from there bus to heathrow (6hours between flights) and then to kiev… and then I try to figgure out my way from moscow to romania with trains. Luckily I have friends who will help. And then from cluj to bucharest to get to finland… and that will be in 5 weeks.. jeij.

So wait, do I want to get back home? Home as in finland? I think not, and yet, I do. All the albums and my guitar and the slight sense of rest except there’s not much of it, either.

Got my flight back to ibiza, that was nice. And I don’t have flights away yet because I don’t know where I am going… which reminds me to write a couple of emails.

The way is dim, but somehow I’ll find it.

The art of saying no

ah
OK, I dislike the title straight away but I can’t think better right now so never mind.

When I was in Kiev festival, on one night, in a jam. I said no, to two pesons, and not because of the person but because of the timing. It felt really difficult. I though that I need to get them to dance with me on the next night or later on the same night, just to show it’s not about them, but about timing or something else. And then… why? why would I feel guilty or try to “make up” something when there’s absolutely nothing to make up.

And now I’m in situation where I have limited amount of time, and I’m asked to do a short performance for a good thing. But eventhough the performance is 15 min I know it will take from the precious day about 5 hours… anyway. And I dont want to. So I said no, then I was begged, because they really need men. And I though about it. and said no again, but I really feel… not easy with it. What if I’m never asked again? what if… what if… But I’m here only one week more. I’m sure if I would be here still for a month I would go, just incase it would bring more work. But now, I can be bit easier on that pressure.

It’s really hard for me to do clear decisions, to close doors and possibilities. Even when it’s needed, even when I know, pretty much, what I want.

No more syllabes to hide on….
Madder Mortem

something else.
Sydän Sydän. swearword. Jari told me about them such a long time ago but i never got into it. and then because of Tuomas Skopa’s (who is the leadsinger of sydän sydän) solo that really hit me I listened their albums bit better, (like listened), and my my “auto” is mainly great, super, awesome. And Tuomas Skopa is amazing singer… for crying out loud. how it took me so long to find this album? but this is how it always goes, and it’s not bad because I found it now and have joyed immensly singin wierd lyrics and great melodies in finnish…

One more week in this land. Then a shift a change. Festival after festival and lot of trains.
Life..

Unborn

ah
Quite a while ago already I was in the monte, or valley or midhouse, how ever you want to call it.
Everyone was going but I woke up too late and stayed. Not knowing will I get out or not.
I sat a bit, and started to sing… sang for a while and realised that I should get it up, somewhere. Phone is the obvious answer for quick recording needs.

I recorded the bit. And it came to me that I recorded something also in Florianopolis.
I was walking on the beach and I found something that reminded me of sharks egg, that I long time ago saw in some nature documentary. and I started to sing. Sang for a long while walking. Finally sat down and recorded it, with phone of course.

And now sitting up in the monte I listened to it. And it stuck and I sang it for the rest of the day.
Late in the evening, before getting dark some words came to me that I wanted to write down. So I wrote down some lines that I remembered from earlier improvising and then I dug out my computer and recorded it with internal mic.
Just when I was finishing sebastian came back home, you can hear him moving.
I was going to record the second voice but sadly I had forgotten my headphones. so it took a while before I got them back. and then it took a while until I actualy recorded the second voice. And if you really listen voice you can hear that on the lead voice, I have sang the whole day underneath. and on the second one I only sang like half and hour.

Of course, later on I listened the orginal, brasilian one, and noticed that it has something that this version doesn’t. But maybe, I’ll record it again sometime, somewhere. coming back again. This is what it is now.

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
too bad it was over, before the beginning

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
can you hear the waves crushing above your skin

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
Can you feel my heart beating beneath your ribs

Little earthborn, little skyborn thing
Can you taste the salt in the wind beneath your wings

Little unborn, little stillborn thought
I know I stopped you before, you could go on

Little earthborn, little seaborn thing
can you feel my heart aching, I want to be with

My lover who is so far away
can you hear my singing, I wish that you would’ve stayed

Little unborn child of mine
if you come into this world I will love you with all my might

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Act III

ah

I knew it when you told me in BSAS that it’s the end. That’s why I forced you to say that you leave me, because that’s what you did. And I knew that I forced. And most of the trip down south I was hoping that you would argue that I wouldn’t be right, but you didn’t. And I knew I was right. Why then, when being back home, after SOS I still tried so hard to find a way or a change to hold on?
Drama, I had to play through the last act. Even though I knew that the script was written and it will follow it’s course. Script also wrote my hopes and my desperation. Why did I need to do it, play along? Is it, would it be possible just to skip it, when I know. And at the same time, emotions need to takes their course and time. And at the same time, I do believe that I can diminish or amplify my emotions. And diminishing doesn’t mean repressing or supressing but diminishing. Not give the value. or extra value.

That’s is the point in feelings. because we value things that are ot there so often, we value falling in love, we value hate? But the most important is the everyday, all of this what I feel here, sitting in fromt of computer, outside of a cafe, wind getting colder. Thinking of people who are far away, getting ready to pick up Ilona from the airport.
And I don’t feel much. And I feel much.

Again CI comes to help as an allegory. I think I wrote about it earlier. Dances have become good because it’s all as important. the little shift of weight on my foot is as important as going up to Monika’s shoulder, and they do not exist without each others, and they are as valuable. There’s is no difference, no “more good” or “less good”
Beyond Good and Evil

So what do I value.
Respect commitment openness. And what is true respect, commitment, openness?

This is a great place to test myself. So what I want to test
I know what I want.
Do you want me to dance in your piece? please tell me, if so.

I think I wrote what I wanted. Now.

“Don’t fear, my fire, is enough for the both of us”

time and time again

ah
Picture is from moscow actually.
Me still ibiza, having a clear though what to write about over here but not having time to do it when online. Right now I’m living on a beautiful mountain for couple of days (well more like a midway of a big hill, beautiful nevertheless) without electricity.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll go next.

Not much work but I hope people come running to my CI course “Light Falls” Title, taken from here.

After pondering long long time I eventualy went to flow, because all the people from the island who I know were there anywya. And the food was good. I didn’t really attend to workshop having more workshops of my own. MEt som really really lovely people. Well I’m sure that all of the people have their lovely aspects but I just can’t meet all of them. Had my greatest time over there, dancing, I enjoy so much contact Improvisation. It seems amazing, I feel that when I walk nowdays on the path up to the hill, my cordination is not so good, or my sense of balance, I feel unagile. But when I get to dance, I feel I’m doing stuff more preciseness I’ve ever done and dances are amazing… Really great great moment. It was nice to have Finnish crew here, and to still have them here. Language is important evetually.

Not going so deep with this post but what can I do.

Sebastian is orderin a tiipii and I would like to have one too. It would be great in my mothers summer cottage.

I need to do more.
That’s all.

Waiting for a message from someone, bit too eagerly, I think.

Goodnight and good luck to you all.