Where the heart is

ah

I’m some place that I call home.
I’m slightly confused.

It was lovely to go straight to jam and have a dances.

I was supposed to do serious office business (me being unemployed) today but I did nothing. Not a big surprise, I’ll do tomorrow then (ups, clock being 1:23 again-> today).

I’m slightly dissapointed eventhough I know that I shouldn’t.
I’m dissapointed of being dissapointed.

When we parted on saturday I told her that on sunday I’ll write her mail, and I’ll open up skype. From her tears I though that she would too. OF course she doesn’t. I’m not there anymore, so I’m totally invisible now. I was feeling such a tonto sitting in front of skype. But I knew this, I shouldn’t be dissapointed.

It’s nice to figure out what I am actually crying for. Lot of hte stuff is not because of the actual relatioship but the loss of hopes and dreams what it could have been. But it wasn’t, those hopesand dreams were proved futile already before. And actually now there’s again change for soem of those dreams to come true.
But hopes and dreams are always outside, and as long as I keep on looking things outside I’ll never be happy (bloody buddhist) everything is here, right now.

But still, I am dissapointed.

My father was right about the music. Today only getting cd into the machine and listening to vinyl.

Maybe tomorrow I play some guitar. Today I didn’t.

Let go of it,
let go.
I tell myself.

Katri brought me a loads of ganesha stickers. I’ve been pasting them a bit.
After all, abundance is all around me (and us)

Jussi paid a visit. I still have problem of concentration, doing too many things at the same time, but we had a nice coherent discussion about relationships even I was going back and forth from room to another.

Life is easy, but easy life isn’t.
You live and then you live somemore.

I painted my toenails again.

I better go sleep while I can.

Leaf ing

ah
So I’m leaving.
She decided to stay.
I was surprisingly dissapointed, (about two weeks ago when it finally came clear) But it didn’t come as a surprise.

My last week in buenos aires was, well. I had a workshop and I was thinking that come on, at least ten people, no, six…. I was trying to sell my bike, and that too didn’t seem to workout that well.
I was thinking that ok, maybe I’ll never return, before I was still thinking that I might come here and try to teach a bit but the WS was such a dissapointment.

How ever things turned. Gabo called and asked for the bike, and he is organizing a lot of workshop, and he was also saying that with that publicity, at this time of the year (holidays) 6 is ok. I went to give sell him the bike and then we ended up talking for an hour, even though I was in a slight hurry, about dance and CI and workshops and art. And we already talked about 3 weeks super workshop but to do it maybe in europe…
Maybe it’s just blaa blaa blaa, but maybe it will happen, who know. Anyway I felt a bit better about the city and possibilites also in here.

However, thinking of the relationship, I think that it’s over. It wasn’t super easy, and maybe we are just a bit too different. You can never say never, but I don’t think we will be together again… But I was sad, then, two weeks ago, so now… well I’m still sad, but not so much.

I’m worried about the weight of my bag… luckily I can alwasys throw away about 2kilos of mate, but I wouldn’t like to.
I have no pesos anymore… so I don’t know.

I saw a dream where plane landed with smoke coming out of the motors almost straight away it got off ground. A bit later, Adolfo called and told that his car has broken down and he can’t take me to the airport. Remis? maybe.

Before all of this we were 10 days in the south, el bolson. Super super beautiful. I could almost live there, well I think I could live there, but I would like to see the winter. We made a four day hinking trip up to cerros (not realy a mountain but quite big) and slept in refugios. First day up to 1300 to hielo azul, next day up just 100 more to natacion which is by the lake, That place is super beatifull. Snow melting up from the cerro to a waterfall and river, it flowing to the lake an then continuing into another river. Because the distance from hielo azul to natacion was only and hour we spend a beautiful day trying to find a way to the big rocks on the shore of the lake, and finally made it there… It’s so nice to be naked in the nature, but you have to find a place where there’s no people because this is not ibiza. Next day we came down about 700 meters to el cajon… I was really tired… coming down seems to be harder than going up, but also my fivefinger shoes had something to do with it. They’re great, if you walk on the terrain with no loose little rock… but the whole downhill was full of small rocks sand and dust, and when they get into the shoe…uh, not nice. All the time stopping and taking stuff out.
NExt day we spend by the RIo Azul, in a beautiful place, where river flows into about 4-5meter deep pool. and it’s so cold and it’s so blue and it’s so beatiful. And for the most of the mornign there was no one so I could swim naked and bask in the sun (although the sun is tricky here, I feel I burn more easily than in europe?) Afternoon more people started to come and the we started to make our way back to el bolson….
How ever we missed the last bus (at 20) so we stayd in the house next to a cmaping (we didn’t bring a tent to this trip).

On another day before all of this we visited lake empujen. Cold clear, pure blue water, and we didn’t go where other people went and found our own private rock beach. Super nice.
In these surrounding I could easily live my life, but I would like to figure out a good way to build a house, I think houses are too weakly build against cold over there too.

On our way back, in a bus, there were some amazing views. Really big blue river, and I could not see anything on the other side… just hills and open space… Vow…
I was thinking that I so much would like to come again witha motorcycle and with three months time and just ride through slowly, seing stopping swimming…

It’s clear to me that I like sea, but lake’s and rivers are the ones that I really want to be around…

How do I feel?
I stress about travelling.
I stress a bit about getting back.
I’m sad about being “alone” again.
I happy that I came and saw this through.
My father told me that there’s a lot of albums there to wait me.

I have no idea what my life will be.
But soon is SOS, and I’ll dance and teach and do.
And after… I will see then.

Good night and good luck to you all.