re-pair

ah
I have to tell this because it’s so hilarious.
When I came here, about a month ago, in couple of first days it rained, hard. And the roof leaked.
I actually heard that something fell onto it… or from it, or whatever. Anyway on the corner of the room it leaked. and made a small river into the room… not much, but enough to get all the electricity off the floor. After that the leaking stops. It rains everyonece and a while, but the roof doesn’t leak. It rains really really hard, but the roof doesn’t leak. I though someone had fixed it, but maybe it just swell.
OK.
Last week, on thursday or so, when everybody else was taking hermano to airport, the doorbell rings. I wake up, since everyone has gone sleep about three, me included because it seems impossible to me to sleep when everybody else is yelling (ok ok talking, yelling just every once and a while). Clock is about 11. SO on the second ring I get the door there is three men, including the janitor, and a woman asking for Sari, who is the habitant of this flat. I tell I speak no espanjol, but luckily the woman does speak english, I tell that everyone is in the airport and she tells that she’s the owner of the flat and these two men are coming to fix the roof. And I almost say oh nice yeah it did leak about month ago, but then decide to shut up. So men come and go to the roof and fix it and make a mess and clean it and then leave.
On the next morning, after their visit it rains hard. I wake up in morning at sometime and hear the rain and fall back to sleep. When I get up, I notice that the roof leaks again! Brilliant. It takes a month to come to fix something that doesn’t need repairing anymore and when they “fix” it, it needs repairing again.
It’s just sems to be how things go over here.
Brilliant.

Otherwise, my life seem to concentrate on all the things it’s been concentrating a long time. Difficult relationship(s), dancing, a little bit of less music, since there seem to be no so much time to listen to it, and getting things.

But I have heard latest Katatonia… Now after discouraged ones, I have felt that eveyrother album is ok then the next one not so good and then ok again but nothing really beating discouraged ones But then came Great Cold DIstance and bloody hell. It’s really fucking good. still maybe not beating discouraged ones since how can you beat a classic, but GCD being much better than anything between. So thanks to all this expectations could be really high, but because I knew this I tried to keep my expectations very low. And thank god, because new alum is good. Katatonia is Always Good, it’s much better than many others out there, but no it’s not as catchy and as nice as GCD, but also, It’s ok. I’ve now listened Night Is The New Day twice and I can’t say any super songs yet, I’m sure there is some. So I’m not much of a critic. what I heard was, about same sound world as GCD which is good, something that could be Opeth which is not surprise either and not bad thing and some really thick riff’s. Everythings hunkydory.

Took first roll of film to developement today. I pick it up tomorrow, let’s see.

I also tried to figure out should I get new glasses here. It seems not. Thanks to “cheap” chains like specsavers it’s cheaper in finland to get glasses. Well here it’s about 100€ depending on the specs, and in here if you take anything that is european brand as specs… huh it might be even cheaper in finland. Of course the cheap brands here are cheap, but so is specsavers back in finland. But I did find almost the sunglasses I would like to have… but then not quite, brigitte by infinit, but they have some gold in them and it’s maybe bit too much, also the price is bit too much. But somehow they’re nice. And of course I’m attracted of the name.

So maybe after all I’ll just glue my glasses together and get new ones when I get to finland…
I would like to get out of this consuming mind… But I think I’ll will always consume, buy, music right now James Blackshaw in my headphones again and me god, I need to give this man money.

If something needs repairing all the time, when is time to throw it away?

Gracefully painted on glass…

ah
I have no idea why I took the title… But it started to play in my head.
Now it plays in my itunes.

I had to read my previous mail. because I know I’ll repeat myself.
This time: Floor, glasses (which are broken), a bit better posture for my back, but not superb. Dreamscapes.

I went to the jam. Alone, with Kongh’s Shadows of the Shapeless filling my head (phones). Riding fast between cars, choosing lanes, paths through. Such a rush of adrenaline, Like snowboarding in backcountry. Super.
Why is it that so often we (?) feel most alive when we are in danger? Or at least in relative danger. Like me, going through streets of BS AS, between cars?
But it’s also about control. I’m in control and I have to make decisions fast, there’s no time to stop and think. It’s flowing. Just like a dance. So how come I don’t experience my whole life like that? Can I choose to experience my whole life like that? And howcome I can feel the same sense of flow time when I’m listening music.. like now Commemoration… This riff is superb. What happened to this band? Memoirs was such a dissapointment to me.

Oksana send me a part of Everything’s the same which I did in altai.
I should work so much more, I know.

And just now Hary asked me am I polish. No, proud member of Finnish CI community. Which of course leads me into thoughs of community. But let’s not go there. That word is tricky and I’m not sure am I part of community, but I’m part of the group dancing there for 9 years of CI, mainly together.

Sort of Invisible Listen to that song. HOwcome there is people who can do sucha a… It’s so simple. It’s so beautiful and the lyrics are the crown… No the Drum work is the Crown of this song. Listen to it. There’s this restrained force or power that could take off at anypoint and it chooses to stay with the song, to serve the song, Be a true part of it, and yet you can hear the power there. It’s huge. It’s physical force going into my body. Listen to it. Such a great song.

Just checking, but apparently I haven’t written much about Giorgio Agamben’s coming community. I should have. But then again the book is so great that… I dont know what to say except that it’s the almost only book within two years that had made me cry both on times I read it. And it’s superbly good. And I’m still not sure did I understand even half of it.

” …into the thin air…”

In jam there was three people. We had a lovely trio… of improvisation and contact. Very enjoyable. Funny that not so many people come there. space is nice. Bit sticky floor though. But at least there is space.

I can’t meet people. Already home I’m in trouble. Here even more because I don’t speak the language. Being with the relatives yesterday and me supertired because no one ever sleeps at here. And there was couple of really sweet attempts to make contact, and I tried to answer. And I tried to make contact. But we have no language and I don’t smile enough. Then later, in the evening I went to the jam. There was this teachers whom I’ve seen many times but not really made any contact with him. I felt that he’s a bit avoiding even to look at me. And then we start to dance. And dance is nice, good, a dance. And after we meet in corridor and we smile and touch, not talk, but we are there. That’s how I feel. I meet people when I dance, and after it’s easier to meet them again even in a bit different enviroment. How I can bring that openess I have in the dance space into my whole life?

I spend more money than I though.

Today we got the ticket to the border of brasil. On our way to Floreanopolis and the festival over there. I hope it will be good…

How the water turns in here?
I got two bottles fitting to devajal for tomorrows class… Endless repetition of self. Trying to fix things better.

Over and out.

I wish I knew

ah
No one goes to sleep here.
Well at 3 o clock.
And then they wonder why I sleep till 12.

Nothing gets done either.
I’m tired.
Today I tried to sew a pants… After one seam I broke the bloody needle from the machine and couldn’t find another. And no one is home. And I hate to think what hermano will say.

There’s too many things like my mother, like me.
I’m dumb.

I got a bike which is nice because riding a bike is nice.

Time is passing with speed, I know. Time is not passing.

Brasil is waiting pretty soon and I should write to people about going to rosario and dance a bit.
I haven’t danced nearly as much as I tought and hoped mainly because BS AS regular jams are dying down. Jams are sometime somewhere. Well on monday and tuesday I think. On tuesday I teach before the jam so it should happen. But nothing here happens until it happens, so I should shut up about it and see does it happen. Too much of blaa blaa blaa for me eventhough I love talking. But not enough talking just blaa. And money is everywhere in blaa. Should learn the language I know I know.

I’m drifting further away from her. Or she’s drifting from me. We both know it and try to do something about it. I wish I knew what my life would be. Do I know what it is. A floor, bad posture for my back, no glasses, typing away and listening music that sound good (and no wonder it’s James Blackshaw), my feet starting to numb, have to change position soon. My life is. Life is. What can we do about it.

And I get nothing done. I say it’s others but it’s me. I could do, all by myself of course, because otherwise I end up just waiting, but I could. If I really really really wanted. Maybe this is teaching me to really really really want.

A moment. We tried to talk a bit. And I have so much love, wishing I could give to someone without conditions or needs. Brief flick of realisation that most of us spent most of our lives looking for someone who we could just give the love to. And when not successeeding we become old and bitter and ugly. I wish so much I would find it. But we are not old, bitter and ugly. And again… I’m not separate. It is all that is made. But when you feel that love and understand that helplesness where we are it’s hard to stop crying… Why I can’t just love?
What is it? love?

I think that’s where the creativity goes and comes. From the attempt to express the love… the hugeness of what we have inside, trying somehow….to express it without fear or need. Just as it is. so… it is so…

And I think sometimes, people do manage, to express that. I’m not sure are they happier after it, but I can sense it in some music, in some books, in some movies, in some dance pieces… in some discussions, in some dances, in some touches. But it’s so huge… and we are so small and yet we have it.

I’m not sure where I’m getting at.
Where I’m getting at?

I am so afraid of failing that I’m afraid of everything.
And I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of failing.
I’m tired of everything.

But I’ve always been melancholic… When do I stop liking it, and see the joy or happiness as beautyfull as longing and melancholia?
I though I did it already.

I whish I knew.

day of dis….

ah
PIc from Finland though.

We’ve been looking for bikes. To cycle from place to place. Cycles are cheap here, if you come from europe.
But if you think you’re going to use it for a month…
Yesterday we found a good bike with 300 pesos. Too good to be true.
WHen we went to pick it up this morning… yeah, the poor woman had made a mistake with the price, it was 700. Arse, mistake, hah. I donät know what she tried but mistake it was not. Maybe that I would settle for a worse bike with 400.
This place is full of talk that doesn’t mean a thing. Blaa blaa blaa.
People are trying to bullshit in everywhere. But here blaa blaa blaa is a rule, not exception.

So now I have to find a bike. again. maybe.

paypal refuses to work with me when paying to US. I do not know why.
I hope they’ll tell me. I think they’re trying to bullshit me as well.

But something totally different from all of this.
After telling my friend Weazie about Jozef Van Wissem and It is all that is made He returned a link to ubuweb’s Van Wissem site. And my god, rom there you can find forthcoming Ex Patris (from important records, on vinyl apparently). Ex Patris continues the same awesomeness and beauty as It Is All That Is Made. Superbly Superbly beautiful. From ubuweb you can also hear A Priori which is also super good, but these two works of 2009 are overwhelmingly good.
I’m happy so happy that one funny day I was visiting a local new recordstore in helsinki and just ecause of the covers I picked up Jozef’s Stations of the cross, I like it, enough that I got more, like A Rose By Anyother Name and A Priori and then It Is All That Is Made I’m so happy.

Right now my ears are filled with Black Boned Angel’s and Nadja’s collaboration. The “new” full lenght one. And sure it’s not Christ Send Light, but something slightly else. However this far I do like it.

I’m so sad about the bike. I’m so happy about the music.

Every weekend, fri to sun here is a market very close by. I’ve been getting a lot of bomillas. Gues what you’re going to get for souveniers?
Today there was a stall by a woman who makes knives. I’m such a sucker for knives. There was this one super beautiful one, and I had to keep telling myself that it’s unpractical for me, it’s made for skinning small animals, it’s not for me, I wouldn’t use it.. But it was so beautiful. I didn’t got it though. ANd I won’t get it tomorrow either (?)

SOS is full and now people are not even signing up for the waiting list so much anymore which is ok.

I think about coming back to finland. Going to russia and ukraine. My life and how it doesn’t seem to go anywhere even I’m going from place to place.
Most of the stuff comes down to couple of questions: “What is important?” “What do I want?”
I love to dance. Hire me.

Air no breathe

ah

A lot of time.
Vanishing away?
A lot to write about?
Well not a lot.

Visiting a laundry, and then Freddo’s because there’s no place to wait in the laundry.
I wonder how quickly they come to finland, will they ever come.
Will I ever come.

Yes I will, I know I’ll return because SOS is soon and Sos is full.
Less than 24 hours and we had 120 people coming. It’s nice.

Dancing here has been… well.. good, but jams are packed. Spaces are too small for the amount of people.
And at the same time as it is beautiful to see so many people interested and dancing, it’s also super frustrating try to dance with no space. Feeling limited all the time by the space. And finding out people with whom you could really explore and try out and find something but space limiting our exploration, our dance.
But that’s how it is.
I did a class, just one, which is always too short. But it went good. I always know how things could go better, but but… maybe better is a wrong word, different. You can’t be sure which choice would be (or will be) better.
Autarco asked me to visit him, and maybe there we will have some more space, or less people.
Lior would be also there.

This summer has been… Meeting and meeting people.
L and P and AH and AD and M in Moscow, then A&L + Autarco in Ibiza, then L, P, AH & M in here.
Going around russia, europe and argentina and meeting same people. Hah.

Again and again I’m lost in life and people and things. And again and again I find out that dancing is the thing where I’m least lost. But at the same time I’m enough lost in that one too, so that I can’t figure my way to make a living out of it, at least yet. Maybe I will. Here I’ve got some invitations to some places, but problem lies in no one having much of the money. And I’m slighly annoyed that I sense some people thinking I have a lot of money because I’m coming from europe. I don’t, but at the same time I do have a much better back up system than most of the people here, so I shouldn’t complain.
Back to dance. Dancing makes me happy, I notice that I have a hard time to smile, but in Jams I notice myself smiling much more.

Another thing that makes me.. Not just happy but… No it doesn’t make me anything, but it brings me enormous Joy is of course music (surprise surprise!). And the best thing for a while is Jozef Van Wissem’s It Is All That Is Made. I knew that I will like it, all of Jozef’s albums have been great this far, but this one, my…… How can anyone make music that is so sad and joyful and beautiful at the same time. It’s so beautiful that this far every time I’ve listened to it I’ve noticed tears coming to my eyes at some point. He has this theme that he returns to in every other(?) piece. I don’t know. I could try to write million things about this album, and nothing would hit the point so well. That’s why it’s music, not words.
Only thing I can say is that listen to it. Get it, and listen to it. Helped me a lot during these weeks. I notice.

City is big and full of cars. It reminds me of moscow for these same reasons, although I think that moscow is bigger. And of course the athmosphere is not exactly the same. In both countries I don’t speak the language. Here I can at least read the road signs. I wish I would get a bike, although the traffic is pretty scary in a way. Like they have lane marks, but nobody actually drive on the lanes. They drive how ever. But traffic is flowing so it’s ok. I was told here is a lot of parks, and yes there is, Only thing is that the park might be about thirty meters wide and there might be 4 lane road on both sides, so it’s not exactly peaceful or fresh, but it’s ok still.

Lot of notices warning about not leaving water around because water is a breeding place for mosquiteos and mosquitos can give you dengue, which is apparently somekind of relative of malaria.

Am I again picking up just negative things?
Food is very good, people seem to be nice although for me always takes a while to get accustomed to way of behaving.

I was lying in the dance space of san telmo, where the festival classes were. Watching the fan on the roof. Then I was lying in the terrase next to it watching birds, alone, in flocks. And I remembered reading that hawk or an eagle can see 240 pictures in a second. So for us 24 pictures is enough to make picture moving, But for eagle there would be a lot of stillness. Every moment is eternity, and not related to each others. It’s like pictures. Every moment is a still forever but we just happen to flow from still to still in the speed of 24 pictures. Time and space is totally created and related to our perception. Think, over 100 times more information in a second. Second is a long time. Eternities next to each others.
If I shoot a five minute dance piece with camera taking 240 pictures a second, slow it down to 24 pics a second, 500 minutes of dance. Continuous slow motion.
How slow we must look for an eagle.

Oh thing more. I love my bag, It’s great. I want to marry it. I took the brand of and replaced it with eyes of Ganesha since I’m becoming a hippie and since Ganesha is abundant. Bag is abundant. It’s nice to have something designed well for use and looking good. Now the test is just how long and well it will last.