Fly no flight

ah
So now.
I bought the ticket. expensive one but she wants to travel on certain dates and we want to travel together and I have a lot of money.
But my debit card don’t go trough. travelling agency doesn’t let me know about this until I ask after 4 days of nothing.
We try another debit card it doesn’t go through.
Maybe today, though.
I do not know do I have the flight to argentina or not.
But I think I’m going.

This has given me a lot of stress and I wonder why. It’s annoying because not only taht I suffer from it, other people suffer my stress as well…
Not good.

I hear that I’m rude. THat I know but often I hear I’m rude in places or situations where I don’t actually feel to be. So again time of self-reflection.
But I know this. Specially in slightly hippy enviroments, I am rude. Because I’m looking things from the otherside, which for many is negative. Well to me it’s also negative, but I know it’s just the other.
Without other there is no other.
And eventually the whole needs both sides.

When Good forces eventually win there will be no good.
When bad forces eventually win there will be no bad.
To conquere the other completely, to demolish the other completely is to conqure and demolish yourself.
Why so often when we strive towards good we happen to do so much bad on the way?
So where and why do we strive for?

When I know that I’m not why I stress so much?
And the helplesness and frustration and violence are such a physical feelings in my body. Like some one holding me tight, suffocating… My heart beating fast and faster for a long time.
Can’t let it go…until with time.
I hear how people believe in themselves and what they’re doing. and they do things… hippy things but nevertheless.
And I don’t know what can I do and I don’t believe in anything.

But I know how to move, sometimes, the way I do.
What can I do with that?
Lot of things…
For me…
But what can I offer for others?
Something that they would value.
I am not sure.
sometimes with my teaching I think I can offer a bit. Or just move forwards the information I have got from others.

I fly not. I stay on the ground.

Road to now here

ah
Photo from Altai
In Barcelona, still. Today back to ibiza.

So things change and I think I’m going to argentina. Just because of her? Because of myself.
Own personal vipassana I think. Unless I learn Really fast spanish.
Can I believe that money come?
I try.

I need to pay everything back to my father at some point.
Direction for my life.

Who would like to “invest” loads of money into CI/Zen center, concentrating on healthy food, and the relations of CI and immediate action, being in here, now, Zen.

What would I do there, with it?
Learn dicipline, make dicipline.
I’ve understood that only dicipline I have is CI.
Yesterday when deciding to go to the jam and dance even though my eye is not totally ok yet (yeah it had a meeting with one finger, hurt) I realised that it is the thing I can do, everyday. It’s also the thing I enjoy. Not only CI but dancing. For a long time yesterday I was making my own solo when most of the people were lying on the floor. And when meeting my first partner my solo continued, infused with the possibilities of a duet. Was it a duet?

I want to dance.
I want to practise improvisation.

Yesterday feeling bad for various reasons (patterns keep repeating, no matter who I’m with because I’m me… so what is me? a bunch of patterns… If I change patterns, am I me?)
And walking in the city to the restaurant (BIO CENTER, Great food) going with the sullen relaxation noticing where we are going by having he wide spectre of surrounding and information coming in all the time. Not connected to anything, and thus connected to everything. Practise of impovisation… skills…

When I woke up… well later Kent’s Livräddären kept playing in my head so I open the computer and iTunes and play it. It’s good. I still don’t quite know what is he singing.
Then drifting on to other old songs of Kent. Such a greatness. Maybe the new ones are as well.

Advertisement. Well I could advertise a lot of things but to me is sucha nice thing that Denovali records is actually giving mp3’s downloads from their own releases. And sometimes the whole album like now

Slightly tired with group decisions specilly when I’ve chosen to be physically far away from the group. I might as well give in, thank god Panu can do these thing as well, so maybe I shift responsibility over to him.

I am worried about going, about life, about everything.
But I try now to.
I want to dance and listen and play music.
Do I want it enough? that’s the question.
But if not, I don’t want anything enough.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Valley of…

ah
Can Masdeu
Although the picture is from ibiza.

After sending loads of suggestiongs to the SOS group none of them were approved.
Nice.

I’m informed that changes are happenign but I’m not informed what kind of changes. MAybe tomorrow.
Eventhough I thought that our options are rather open as they were I notice getting slightly nervous.
I want to know now, to make another plan.
That’s why it so good for me to be with that woman, every plan always shatters.

Everyhing will be alright because everything is alright after all. It’s just a matter of viewpoint and scale.

I’m in Can Masdeu, nice house. If you want more info google it. they have nice pages and all.
My friend lives here and has been taking care of me a bit, well a bit more than was a plan since I was sick for a day and a half. Now I feel being quite ok.
Although I’ve been spending way too much time on computer trying to figure out mod for SOS forum, well I figured it out ina way, just didn’t get it to work. Let’s see how many junkspambots we get there.

After being a couple of hours surrounded with small children I start to wonder “do I really want them” again. but it’s ok.

Everything will be ok.
I just need to remind myself a bit.

Tomorrow starts a workshop.
Dancing is so welcome after these few days.

I need to keep my hands of the phone, not to ask her.
I just notice that I would like to live my life with her at the moment.
Maybe it happens.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Thoughts for Petri…

ah

About feeling good.
Good is always related to morals.
So when questioning about good or bad, question your moral, ethics.
I think word moral comes from morality.
We have moral because we are aware of dying, that we are temporary, that we will die.

So when feeling good, when you do something that feels good, why does it feel good?
and why do you think that feeling good would be good for others.
Extreme example, it’s highly possible that hitler or stalin felt extremely good about themselves and what they were achieving. And it’s highly possible that mother teresa didn’t (and in my point of view ms. teresa didn’t do only good). And it’s highly possible that Mr. Gautama or Jesus didn’t actually felt good…

feeling good. About what I do feel good about, and why?

Don’t use your feeling good for justification for anything.
Ask yourself why would you need justification?
Do you need justification for anything?
And if, to whom you need to justify your actions?
Who is that imaginary judge?
Society?
Parents?
Friends?
God?
You?

If I don’t care about the judgement of others why would I have a need to justify?
If I don’t care about the suffering of others why would I need to justify?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of others, what do I call love?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of others, what do I call good?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of myself, what do I call love?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of myself, what do I call good?

Some Zen or Taoist teachers said along these lines: “if you truly are a man, you can take the last piece of bread from the hungry, kill and slay”

Elevating.

So what do we talk about when we talk about good.
Common good?
Why do I feel good?
Why would I feel good?

As soon as you think what you feel, do you feel it anymore?
As soon as you concentrate on the presence of god, is the god present?
As soon as you think of something is holy, is it holy anymore?
As soon as you try to hold on to something, do you have it?

I dance in the world of abundance, where nothing is, and nothing is denied.
I dance in the world beyond good and evil, good and bad, ethics or morals.
I dance in the world of freedom.
I dance in physicality, bounded by forces I feel/sense.
I dance in the world of banality, where nothing is holy,
I dance in the world of flesh and blood and bones.
I dance on the earth, where everything comes from, where everything goes to.
I dance in the world of time, measured by perception, sensations, not by the hours of the clock.
I dance in me, moments flowing to moments, sensations to sensations, thoughs to thoughs and into the earth again.
I dance not.
Dance is me, me is dance. I do not exist out from the dance, dance does not exist out from me.
Who is dancing?

Words are meant to divide.
Make sections, differencies.
To be me is to separate from others.

There is no physicality without spirituality, spirituality without physicality.
CI is not physical practise, nor is it a spiritual one.
It’s a practise.
For me it’s the practise.

To me words have always been an intellectual tool, dividing, analyzing the world, my perception.
More I concentrate on the spirituality, on the holiness, more I question it, more fake I feel, more farther I drift.
Going to the mass at the times of being more connected with the lutheran congregation, was always problematic for me. I always felt it separates me from god rather than takes me closer.

What we name we control.
Who are you to control God?

CI is a practise of present moment.
Present moment is infinitive, infinity.
Nothing.
Two wonderful concept that we have as words are infinity and nothing.
Both sucha things we can’t truly ever intellectually realise.
We might have a sensation of both of them, (or maybe they’re the same)
Soon as we try to verbalise the sensation we’ve lost it already.

To feel the rush of love.
There is two persons I have felt the most unselfish love I have ever felt.
Both person are important to me, but at the same time I’m not attached to them in everyday life.
With both of them the realisation of the sensation of love have come out through the dance.
What I say afterwords is memory of that feeling, afterburns of it, but not the sensation itself.
But it has repetition, the feeling.
Almost whenever I dance with either one of them I feel it.
And I don’t know why.
Why it does’t happen with other people. After all I have great dances with other people too.
And then again.
Maybe:
With them I don’t have great dances. I know afterwards that the dance was great, but while in it. it’s all that is, not good not bad.
Maybe with other I know already while dancing that the dance is great?
This is not the truth….

No matter how I try to approach this topic, I can’t get into it. I can’t truly explain what happens and what do I feel.
Because it’s felt, not said.
Word is not a feeling.

In this culture of ours, we are so concentrated on the words.
Gospel by John starts: In the beginning was a word and the word was with god, the word was a god”
But as Arie so beautifully in Moscow reminded: “For there to be a word, there must be some one to hear it”
Am I talking aloud or is this happening in my head?
Where’s my head?
What is my head?
And how the hell I got these words in here after all?

I’m trying to tell…
What Am I trying to tell?

I said this in the meeting… and then Annukka said it so beautifully and so much simpler.
Why I want to keep SOS just concentrating on the “physicality”
The “technique” of the form is that it has inside all of it.
It’s for people to be found.
Why I don’t want to have sound healing work etc…
I want to concentrate on CI because that is the practise.

That is the practise we as a group have done.
We all might have different interest but all of us have rather strong technical, physical base to the dance.
Of sharing. Sharing the weight. Sharing the presense.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
And I crumble back into dust.

Bridge

ah
Nothing new.

Yesterdays class was really quite nice.
Healing experience from the dissapointment of the festival.
Eventhough the festival class was ok.

On friday to Barcelona, there classes to take and couple to teach.

Future still slightly unclear.
Wondering where and what.
But everything will come.

Slight chances that would be able to make it to SOS meeting in fiskars, and noticing how the though warms my heart.
Yesterday after the jam I noticed thinking of helsinki and way back “home” from the cable factory.
After asking V shall we go to home or to market and she answering “anywhere with you.”
More warmth.

Noticing how many orders I have made before my leaving to travels and wondering how many of them have actually arrived.
I have no idea except the conspiracy packet that I made my father to follow.
Loads of music waiting..
Hey do you need a dj who would play odd, mostly depressive music? Would you?

Watched “Blush” the other day. dissapoinment. Agression is nice but the predictability of movement and seeing that “they know” is depressing, as well as the editing which doesn’t show any moment as a whole, but cut’s everything into pieces so you don’t actually see much dance.
However running people are nice…. I should do a video of running… just running.

yeah.

Noted that I lost on the festival:
one notebook, with a little of spanish studies
“the way things are” book by lama Ole Nydahl
Sleeping bag
Knife

Sleeping bag is super annoying since I didn’t take it to the festival…. Someone else did I think.
Too bad.

It will come.
It’s already here.

Dance… what is dance?
Philosophy, what is it?
Religion/belief, what is it?
Me, what is it?

All the same. Take care, as always.

Flow-er

ah
Tryingto find cheap way from ibiza to barcelona and back.
No change, too late, and bad deal with the teaching in the sense that I really won’t make ANY money, on the opposite, but money comes. So why worry…

Plans getting bit clearer but plan is a plan, plan is not what happens.

Still tired after the festival, small hous is full of people, well actually outside of the house.
It’s actually really nice, kind of slow descending from the festival instead of total change.

Yesterday had a nice talk with Lior. He told about his trip to japan and zen monastry and I kept thinking that I have to get ore selfdicipline, for everything.

Did something to Irene’s leg, knee. I think it got a bit better but it will take time. I’m interested in “healing” work, but there’s so many different methods that I don’t know what to study, and nothing really calls me.

Spanair’s site keeps actin up. bummer.

I don’t even know what else.