:Wavetales

Last day of the festival, well, last full day.
It’s been good, me still feeling lazy. But I’ve done the whole Mirva’s intensive.
Morning class is just starting. I think I’m out since I’m here in netherworld.

Staying here. Well, for some reason unfamiliar discomfort is always harder than familiar one. But I just have to remind myself that familiar discomfort is still discomfort and it looks like nothing new is coming up in finland… So I made a choice to stay.
There is no right choices, which means there’s no wrong ones either.
Except that there is.
Now I try to follow this choice.
At least I feel I have good reason for it, but I need more reason.
Things to do.

People lying on the floor.
Everything is always late here, and I’m not talking about mere 10 minutes.
Have to get used to this.
Have to learn the language.
Have to…
I don’t but maybe, just maybe I want to.

Yesterday talking about relationships, connections between people and what ever that means.
Coming to the point of questioning the nature of “self” again.
Asking does she want an open relationship.
She asking back reminding that there is a lot of beautiful women here.
So what.
Answer is no.
Reading Diceman yet again and it’s so true, how many conflicting desires we have. Me noticing of being a bit envious to some of my fellow finnish, and at the same time being extremely happy that I’m here and not there. Many selfs, many desires, many potentials, many futures, many possibilities. So who am I?

In my teaching, which went ok, but I stil felt slightly dissapointed, I start to use more and more words channel, flow through, earth. Telling people that we are weak, and earth is strong, and for this long it has provided us all that we got, and it still keeps doing so even if we are misusing it hugely. I am a vessel, a channel, a canal, a river bed, and all of this (that there is) is flowing through me, I never have anything, I never am anything, and yet…. I am time-being, I’m time, I’m perception, I’m mirror, I’m nothing.

I like this story:

The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen master to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism.
“What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?” the emperor inquired.
“Vast emptiness… and not a trace of holiness,” the master replied.
“If there is no holiness,” the emperor said, “then who or what are you?”
“I do not know,” the master replied.

I do not know.

People wandering out of the room, batteries running empty… connections keeping up.

I keep thinking that I’m giving up something. But I’m not giving up anything, just because there’s nothing to give up. But realization of this, embodiment of it, is rather hard.
me me me mine mine mine.

Good night and good luck to you all.