Last day, again

ah

Last day of the festival, well, last full day.
It’s been good, me still feeling lazy. But I’ve done the whole Mirva’s intensive.
Morning class is just starting. I think I’m out since I’m here in netherworld.

Staying here. Well, for some reason unfamiliar discomfort is always harder than familiar one. But I just have to remind myself that familiar discomfort is still discomfort and it looks like nothing new is coming up in finland… So I made a choice to stay.
There is no right choices, which means there’s no wrong ones either.
Except that there is.
Now I try to follow this choice.
At least I feel I have good reason for it, but I need more reason.
Things to do.

People lying on the floor.
Everything is always late here, and I’m not talking about mere 10 minutes.
Have to get used to this.
Have to learn the language.
Have to…
I don’t but maybe, just maybe I want to.

Yesterday talking about relationships, connections between people and what ever that means.
Coming to the point of questioning the nature of “self” again.
Asking does she want an open relationship.
She asking back reminding that there is a lot of beautiful women here.
So what.
Answer is no.
Reading Diceman yet again and it’s so true, how many conflicting desires we have. Me noticing of being a bit envious to some of my fellow finnish, and at the same time being extremely happy that I’m here and not there. Many selfs, many desires, many potentials, many futures, many possibilities. So who am I?

In my teaching, which went ok, but I stil felt slightly dissapointed, I start to use more and more words channel, flow through, earth. Telling people that we are weak, and earth is strong, and for this long it has provided us all that we got, and it still keeps doing so even if we are misusing it hugely. I am a vessel, a channel, a canal, a river bed, and all of this (that there is) is flowing through me, I never have anything, I never am anything, and yet…. I am time-being, I’m time, I’m perception, I’m mirror, I’m nothing.

I like this story:

The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen master to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism.
“What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?” the emperor inquired.
“Vast emptiness… and not a trace of holiness,” the master replied.
“If there is no holiness,” the emperor said, “then who or what are you?”
“I do not know,” the master replied.

I do not know.

People wandering out of the room, batteries running empty… connections keeping up.

I keep thinking that I’m giving up something. But I’m not giving up anything, just because there’s nothing to give up. But realization of this, embodiment of it, is rather hard.
me me me mine mine mine.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Lay back

ah

First week in the Island.
Not the one on the pic though.
Easy and hard at the same time.
I try to stay in this moment where everything is ok, but I notice myself trying not to worry about future, which means that I worry about future.
But just a bit. Still: Now now now.

The traffic here suggest that you can die any moment anyway, so no reason to think about future, think and be just now.
I think I’m in love, it’s now, but has projections into the future as well.

I try to learn spanish but I’m lazy.. I know, should work more.
Spanish would also help of getting work.
Although I don’t need work, I need money. Although I don’t need money, I need travels and food and shelter. Money is, money comes.

Festival is starting tomorrow, till now everything has been super laid back
Nice and easy and good atmosphere, really warm. dancing together, eating, talking just a bit.

I have to get used to the timing of this place, 5 min being 15, 2 hours being 4.

I teach tomorrow, and I know what, well I think I know. But it always depends of the people, of the mood, of whatever. But I think I have El Camino Real that I’ll follow.

I want my own house. I just don’t know where.
I want an easy life.

I still remember being in the car with John and Juho, going to Purnu meet Ronja to plan a camp. Me just out from Oku dance school wondering what to do and speaking with John. Me saying it won’t be easy and John laughing and saying “but did you really ever though that you would have an easy life”

This island is full of ants. It seems that all the places I sleep in are full of ants as well.

Few nights ago I saw a dream. It was someone’s child drowning. He getting the baby (or a child) out of the water and starting to give kiss of life and pressing the heartbeats. Me coming to help… Child turning out to woman starting to cough, me saying good good, cough the water out.
It was salt water, I know.

Sea is a beaut, but after Altai I feel that… I would like to be next to a river, running, blue green, beautiful, clean water fresh water pure. But not so far from the sea either.
and a lake.

I need to go to south america just to feel it. Can I be there? Can she be somewhere else?
She is somewhere else all the time after all.

What is happy life?
What is happiness?
Who am I?

A Vessel, a stream, a flow, a dam gathering water until pressure breaks. At some point I break,
at some point I break, at some point…

I was flying from Barnaul to Moscow I think, Or moscow to Frankfurt. Watching the sun lit clouds white, and this though filled me with joy: ” I might die today”
It’s the might.

Aeroplanes make me cry, almost always. Leaving something behind, coming to somewhere else, too fast and not fast enough.

All that I do I do, I try to do nothing.

Who or what am I?

ah

Exceptionally photo by Andrey Samarcev!

Siberia is over.
Beautiful views alongside of the river.
Beautiful days under hot sun and in cold water.
Rainy days swamping through the mud.
Riding horses up to a mountain, climbing up to a mountain.
When I learn to keep my head?
I joy most when I do what I want after all, with the time frame that I want.
Although it’s good to adjust sometimes, not always.

Read Giorgio Agambes becoming community again.
Thought of sunjata and existence, and with the brief flash of sun in the river…
This realisation of what I am, and that I still can exprience all this, Overwhelming sense of grace and mercy that brought tears in my eyes. At the same time thinking that this was what Jesus was talking about, not the kingdom of heaven to be, but kingdom of now being.

So what am I?
A vessel.

I think I’m on the same track with Ilona on this, when talking about dancing… I’ve wrote about this already(?). That sometimes when I’m dancing CI it’s not me dancing, dance is me, everything happening is me without the boundaries of experience and the one who experiences. Everything’s the same.

On a river 3 performances of “everything’s the same” Two “filmed” by Lena on my phone and one should have been by Oksana, but something went wrong (I should have explained her a bit more how my phone works) so no material of that one.
Was going to do it later too, but too much to do or too much rain.

Spend one day in shooting Altai legend of Katun and Chemal. It was fun but towards the end more and more hard. I appreciate communal work, when work is really done together and there is no clear director, but then when you don’t understand the language, you’re not full part of community. So instead of one person telling you what to do there’s a bunch of people telling what to do and at the end of the day after 10h it’s a bit tiring to do “one more scene” specially when already being told that I’m free. But again straight talk help. I said that ok now I’m tired of this and everybody took great care of me, understanding quite well (I hope)

All and all everybody were super nice and friendly, when talking same language and when not. Got some movies to watch, even with english translation after hours of work. And got some superb pictures from Andrey who’s last name escapes me because I’m still not too good with kyrillic alphabet… Samarev would be my guess… [edit: But Samarcev is right]
And of course it was supernice to spend time and dance with Sveta again.

Anyway maybe because this moment on the river I started all of my classes asking people to answer to the question “who or what am I” and I ended all the classes with the same question suggesting that they write the answer to their notebooks.
Some people did and some not. Most of people probably didn’t understand why… even I’m not sure why (no, I do know). But at least my translator said that she enjoyed reading those answer after the last class.

Translators were doing a lot of work, and unfortunately they should do even more. None of them was professional in it I guess. Well actually, it’s not that they didn’t work enough, they did, so actually the festival would need more translators. Often one of the reason for me not going to classes or labs was the reason that I would have been the only person for whom the class or discussion should have been translated to, and I didn’t want to be so much trouble. Then again on those sunny days the river was so inviting that even if I wouldn’t be the only one maybe I still wouldn’t have gone.

I don’t know, somehow I feel that Im tiptoing on this text, trying to get bit deeper and personal and at the same time avoiding it.

However the festival was good. There was a lot of hapening and I’m happy to hear that they will do it again next year. Organisers had done a lot of work all and all. However there was two main challenges: 1. We had only one dance space with the floor, it had a roof but no walls so in the evenings it was a bit cold. 2. the food was, not horrible but tasteless, totally tasteless. Of course it is better than something that actually tastes bad, but still…. That’s why I’m now sitting in Frankfurt in a cafe and been eating a lot…. and will have a coffee still.

I’m quite addicted to… sweets. and a bit of mate. Thank god Sveta brought it to me from Kiev because me being sick caused me missing getting it from moscow.

Well I see Sveta again tomorrow in totally different enviroment though. Tomorrow will be great day, beginning of Freiburg CI festival. To see again so many lovely people, few of them who I love deeply, and specially the one I love, finally after 4 weeks.

Other totally trivial but super good news. My father got the packet that Conspiracy send, so now I have “new” ISIS on vinyl. Different thing is when I will actually listen to it. or will I ever.

Travelling and tiredness makes me overly sentimental. I had tears in my eyes so many times today in the aeroplane, some of it from missing people, some of it from sadness, some of it from great joy of being alive, some of it from happiness of meeting people again.

I never lose, really.
I never loose anything. Sometimes it’s so hard to believe and experience.

Another memory that I can’t put into words but I’ll try anyway and fail trying.
Maybe because of hearing music and just being reading diceman again on the edge of falling a sleep having a wake dream that everything is alright, that eventhough I’m alone in this bed, there is person who loves me and is not far. and in this moment the persons and time mixing, being same time in the past present and future… and yet this was not the sensation I had, this is just words trying to grasp the sensation, but missing the essential: the sensation.

About same thing happened after river experience. Words cannot reach it, but I noticed of myself thinking along the same lines as just before the experience, not to think it over, but to have the experience again. But it was gone already. Why I try to hold something I know is flowing. By trying to hold I miss the experiences now. By trying to think on the same lines to have the experience again, I don’t let my though go and have new experience of the same thing in some new way, or totally new thing….

I don’t know much about my life. It’s good in a way. We never do, but it’s nice to plan or have a somekind of hunch. Anyway I got invited to Kiev in beginning of May. I was quite happy and Am happy about that. Ruslan is such a nice fellow, I feel pity sometimes that we don’t speak the same language at all, there is quite a few topics I would like to talk with him. So I’m going to Kiev on may, and maybe before that to russia again. So workvice some little things happening. Its nice.