It’s way too late in St.Petersburg but I’m not able to sleep probably anyway. Tomorrow is an early morning start towards lake Laatokka. So What I’m doing is reading this buddhist stuff from wikipedia and this caught my mind a bit: from Skandhas

To give a simplistic example, if one believes “this body is mine” or “I exist within this body,” then as one’s body ages, becomes ill, and approaches death, one will likely experience longing for youth or health or eternal life, will likely dread aging and sickness and death, and will likely spend much time and energy lost in fears, fantasies and ultimately futile activities.

The only thing that I disagree, a bit is that… well the suffering and dread is caused by longing of being young. I can think I am this body because it’s what I am. Then it’s a different thing do I just see what I am, or do I want or long to be something else, like young healthy etc.
I still think that I am my body. But the question is what is I. and this is the thing that buddhist keep going on about, i guess. I as a concept am my body and my body is those 5 skandhas. I can see that. When I let that longing go… I’ll still be my body, the conceptual self. and when the body dies, I die. That’s it.

I still think that buddhism is not about something that goes… aw… fuck. no. I want to see buddhism as something, not about future, not about striving for nirvana like it would be heaven. If it would be so then I can’t see much difference and then striving is longing. So with longing for nirvana I’ll lcling and bind myself and my life to that concept and ideal. And everything is changing and I shouldn’t cling. So I can cling to not clinging.. It’s endless and totally hilarious.
Anyway I want to see buddhism something for life, for this moment, not for future or past because there isn’t any and actually there’s not even present moment because it’s only here in comparison to past, future. So this moment is eternity, something for eternity.
Yeah maybe I follow these ideas of Tao more. If I worry about my karma and I try to make good karma is it really good because it’s thinking of self, it’s something for me. If actions are immediate, without judgement without labelling… now.. I can’t say what they are because then they would be labelled…. Such a lot of fun…

I remember this talk we had with pre SOS meeting group about doing good. And Ville said that he doesn’t want to do good, or was it that he doesn’t want to help. Like if there someone who needs some food he might go to shop and get some food and have talk and so on, but it’
s not helping, it’s just being together in the moment, sharing something, the moment, the eternity…

I start more and more get this Sunjata, Shunyata, Sunyata…
Everything is empty, ever flowing, without true “self” or stable substance.
And it’s also clear why De Dao Jing says: Those who talk don’t know, those who know don’t talk.
Words as well as thoughs are ever circling around of reality, but they never catch it.

So while I’m at it I’ll just write this out as well.
Why do I dance CI?
This idea of Tao and Wu-wei, immediate action without judgement, doing what is needed, what is natural, with out trying to make it anything else. And this perception that the experience and the experiencer is the same. From those both I have very clear experiences when dancing. I do not react. I justg act, I don’t “think” about the action, is it good or bad, where it will lead where is came from I just be in the dance. and I can’t say it’s me who is dancing. dance, me, moment, weight, experience, perception are all the same one thing. When I’m inside of this frame of dancing CI I am free. But I’m free inside of the frames, when I come out of it, or if for some reason my partner doesn’t have the same frame, I very easily start to question things. But questioning doesn’t mean judging. But just being more aware of the principles behind the choices (partners and mine) and the past and the future. If I don’t long for and don’t judge (these go easily hand in hand) all the dances are good. But it’s not always easy.

Ok.I’ll stop now before I get more mixed up.

Tale to tell?

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