To let things… (Thursday 11th of June 2009)
painting by Pekka Vesterinen
Thursday 11th of June 2009
Things always go wrong. No I tell a lie.
This morning I was about to call the doctor… well At least trying to reach one who would actually listen to me. But my phone has a low battery and how how how how lucky we are, electricity break, just for today and just from 9 till 15 (angel on my table, god in my car). No battery, no call, no help. I’m bit annoyed also of myself because I really stress about this doctor/being sick thing. And I think the symptons just become stronger because I’m also stressing. I should just let it be.
Riikka came yesterday. It’s nice to have some one else to work with here too, not just the art pieces. And Kristiina is coming today to play some flute so we have a lot. Also have to think about tomorrows opening, what shall we do in about five minutes.
I don’t know. Seems that I don’t think much, I just stress, a bit.
BUt I don’t stress about money, which is nice. Maybe it’s just that I always need something to stress about. And the money is usually the easy option.
I have no idea about internet and thus I have no idea about SOS pages, how are they working or are they.
Have to update couple of things at least.
I think that when I get to helsinki (and online) on 21st of june I’ll have busy couple of days before I leave. I created a forum again, but it’s totally… well the lay out is what it is (then again also the site’s layout is what it is).
Also I need to start think about ECITE pages.
I should be better at these so someone would actually pay me some money for doing this stuff.
This is for the morning, let’s see how do I feel in the evening time.
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Evening.
Got in touch with doctor. I’m slightly happier now.
Also got to the internet. Still didn’t get all the stuff to work and I wonder why the web space provider sucks now, when they have been so good for almost two years. Maybe some one has bought the company, or then the workers have changed. So also didn’t actually manage to update wavetales as you might notice.
Got info that no one is coming to visit me here. I kinda knew it will go that way but still I found myself oddly disappointed. Don’t know why. Am I building up future that really doesn’t exist? Are my choices coming from this moment or from what I hope things to be? I don’t know, now I’m oddly disappointed.
Rehearsed tomorrows performance. IT will be fun. After all everything is about attitude. I have to get better at it. At this point I could thank Johanna and her husband getting me to see Mats Ek. Absurdness is the best.
Coming to conclusion that I should get Broken Social Scene’s “You forgot it in People” as original. Maybe.
Have been speaking a lot today. About art of course. How do I justify or intellectualize my art? What is my art? How the hell I should build up words for the experience that is wordless, and in that wordlessness is the whole meaning of it.
Fuck grant applications.
And at the same time, how much I enjoy pieces like “on ice” where there is so clear intellectual connotations and relations… I’m missing one word here… I can’t remember it.. like when you have arguments why you do things the way you do. What is that word?
I still don’t have trust in you. You shift and change, so should I wait to see will you wait for me? Do I want to wait? Do I build my future relying onto you?
I don’t know. How are you?
On every morning I’ve done my own warmup.. well what is my own. I lot of it comes from yoga, and many teachers I’ve had. But I’m building up a sequence and ritual for myself. To do things same way everyday, almost.
Even for left, uneven for right. Pull up push down. Always the same amount of repetition, to all sides.
Let’s see can I keep it up whe I leave this place.
Other thing I should do more is to take some time just to sit and stare.
To let things be. To let things fall. To let things pass. To let things flow. To let all be.
To let free. To let go. To let.
