Earlier than expected
So I left, and you thought I’ld stay.
I wanted to stay, and I wanted to leave. I wanted to stay more, but I had my flight already, and it’s so easy to fall back on old and familiar unpleasantness than to keep up with the new one.
But you’re right and I know it.
So I want to change somethings in my head.
That change might be bit too late for you.
Disappointed again that I won’t return straight away.
And how often it just comes down to money. Too often for me, I wish it wouldn’t.
So No return flights next time. Nothing so easy to fall back.
I have plans, but for long I have had plans that I never really sticked, being too laze too scared too something else.
I made a promise and that will change something in me. Seems that I’m cutting a bit of my hair. It will grow back, in a year or so.
What if you would expect nothing? Would you still be disappointed?
What if I expect nothing? Can I still make commitment?
I often my commitment need a commitment from someone else. If no one else will, neither will I.
More I read and think more clear it is that there is nothing to loose, and thus nothing to be afraid of.
So why am I so afraid?
of new.
To fall back, into familiar.
I sense myself worrying a bit. But there’s not much to worry.
I’m being blamed to be selfish. I am, and so are others. Shellfish.
Where is home?
Like so many other things, it’s just a state of mind. But we have to remember that places are also a state of mind.
I buy things to make myself an anchor, to have connection, identity. Not to drift. And thus I’m so afraid when I have to give up all of that. because I’m afraid of giving up myself. No reason why. I will learn. Let go, give up.
A lot on repeat (which last.fm won’t probably show since it has strange relation to repeats on iPod):
Magenta Skycode – Go outside again (28)
Chan Marshall – The Greatest (5)
And nice to listen to Pronssinen Pokaali and Maj Karma after a long while.
New found thing, kinda, Jozef Van Wissem, “A priori” ah.
And not as such a big surprise. I do love new William Basinski yet again. I know he doesn’t bring anything new… well I tell a lie… anyway there’s not so much variation but that repetativeness is such a bliss. 92982.4 is sooo beaty uh… And yeah I know it could have been on some of his earlier releases and I’m not sure about the difference, but there is a difference… there’s some subtle change’s of the mood of the loops. Like, same same but different…
Maybe that’s it this time.
