Bonds are shackle free

building

Now what was it this time?

It seems that for some reason, unkonwn to me, my iScrobblerr doesn’t update my iPod. So last.fm is late and lossed.
Bass Communions Loss is out on pic vinyl.
Just got Cult Of Luna’s Eternal Kingdom as pic vinyl.
Aren’t we happy.

Yesterday in SOS meeting thinking about power.
What is power and how do we use it, and perceive it.
I have power over no one. And no one has power over me unless I’m willing to give that power to the person.
Only power that can be over me with out me giving it (in a way or another) is physical power… violence in fact.
Often the ones we love have power over us, somehow, because often we are dependable of the ones we think we love. Is that love, dependable? Or we give the power over us, because we feel they can hurt us. But why my love would hurt me? No, it’s the hopes and dreams of me being special, in the same way as the one that I love is being special to me. It’s the hope and dreams of being near, always, it actually comes close to possession. I want to posses… And again Love doesn’t posses anything, and love doesn’t fear anything.
But now I’m talking about ideal. And we’re not ideal, we are confusing mix of emotions, motions, thoughs and feelings. And the way I perceive love, felt, is never “pure” ideal. It’s a mix of feelings, hopes, wants, needs towards others and towards myself. But this is clear to everyone, right.

It’s me who can give the power over me. We are free. Only thing that can bound us is capability of ourselves, physics and some one(s) physically bounding us to.. imprisoment, slavery, violence…. Only thing that can bound us is violence… and physical reality, because I am and we are physical reality. But we build our own prisons, own jails, own power structures and hierachies. And sometimes it’s needed… as long as we remember that power over me(us), can only be physical one.

I had (ve) a tendency to build shackles in my relationships, because… being insecure, being in need, being fragile. And all the time I dreamed of relationship(s) that can be free. And I tried to set free, in rational talking… and slowly also my emotional responses changed. But I forgot that it’s not me who is building shackles, except for myself. People build their own shackles, I can help them to build them, I can also help them to be free of them (as well they can help me, both ways), but I never can truly free anyone from them because they have to do it themselves (as well I have to do it myself).

I don’t want anybody to be with me because I want them to. I wish that they want to be with me. And sometimes this is miscommunicated or mixed.
There is many kind of people, I take just two now. People who show that they’re hurt and be martyrs at it, and people how pretend to be tuff, and be martyrs at it, but only to themselves.

I don’t know how to write this open.. I can talk it open and I have done it, but… I’ll try anyway.
I notice that I don’t want to tell too much about my personal life here, but time changes everything.
I have a tendency to be tuff. To not to care or at least to pretend not to care. But I’m trying to change it, example:
We’re at the festival and I’m meeting a girl to whom I’m quite attracted to and eventually we sleep next to each other in the same bed. Next evening I say that I would like to spend the next night also beside her, and she answers: “I’ll think about it”. I get hurt, and normally (before) I would turn cold and pretend not to care what she does, and leave the situation. Instead I tell that I’m surprised how much her answer hurt me (and I really was surprised). And she says “but it was just a joke, of course I will come next to you.” So I don’t get her sense of humour… ok. but I don’t know what would have happened if I would have acted “normally” at least the start of the jam wouldn’t be so good for me.
So why I still sometimes return to this “tuff” acting. It doesn’t help anything. I can be honest, there’s nothing for me to loose.
One thing that I like to make more clear about the example is that actually it was not she who hurt me, it was her answer and there is a difference. I had hopes, needs, wants, and her answer declined all of those. But it’s not she hurting me, but my own hopes, needs and wants that want to be fulfilled.
So the other thing that I don’t want (and I usually don’t do) is to play martyr. Try to make other one feel guilty of not answering to my dreams, “making me” hurt, and making big deal about it by “not making big deal about it” and walloving in sadness the rest of the time.

It’s ok to say no, and it’s ok to ask.
I have nothing to lose, I have nothing. I don’t want to shackle anyone into me. I want to create bonds that last, but that’s up from the all parties considered.

I think that’s about it this time.

Fail into your arms

Light post

So am I making any more sense now?

I always have these fabulous ideas what to write about and then I forget the topics completely…

But there is some.
nevertheless let’s start with the usual life, whatever that is.
Music, yes, there’s a lot of music. I’ve been listening a lot too. What comes to mind right now? well not much. Favourites stay favourites. Like today I was listening the Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream and it is still brilliant. I kinda thought that I would be over it, but no, it is brilliant.
I’m still digitazing my cd collection (and that will take ages, specially… well now, but the scanner I had was collected to the rightful owner so now I can’t scan the covers… This sows me down, in a way…
No, I tell a lie, this is the reason I give myself.
Anyway, listening mostly stuff from Ipod (waking up almost everyday to Black Boned Angel & Nadja’s Christ Send Light, Awesome!!!) and from vinyl. Got new Callisto, which I have listened through couple of times, but from which I can’t really remember anything worth while, except new singer is tricky… at first I almost didn’t like him, but I won’t be so hasty to judge. All of this, me not remembering, doesn’t mean that the album can’t be good, it can be bloody brilliant, it also can be just ok, I just don’t know it yet.
Today I listened to Bohren und der club of gore’s Dolores and that is bloody brilliant.
Did I wrote about Rose Kemp? if not her Unholy Majesty is great album, I rally was so pleasantly surprised. Really really good, Brilliant actually… now, how many times I can use word brilliant in this post? quite a few I guess. Anyway if you don’t know anything about Rose Kemp, you should find out.
Also Got new Susanna Flower of Evil. Nice, but again full of covers, somehow… well all is Susannazined but I was still hoping more of her own material. It’s beautiful album though, in certain limits at least.
Mister Basinski send a mail that he’s releasing a new cd. How happy am I? well pretty much, since El Camino Real was bloody brilliant, and I’m great fan of all his work. This new work I haven’t heard of course.
Oh got new Scraps Of Tape, which I have to say… well to be honest after This is a copy is this a copy it’s very hard to do an album that could top it, so their effort is a good one. Right at this moment can’t really beat This is a copy, but still beats most of the “post rock” or “pop” or “rock” that I’ve heard lately.

Actually after the festival I’ve had this shopping frenzy.. (now what does frenzy mean?), so I got a new phone (that one I really needed, no one could hear me speaking with the old one), a blender and Pod x3 which is nice since now I have been playing my beautiful gibson les paul after a LONG time. So lot’s of stuff, hopefully useful too… well phone has been useful, and blender has been really useful, I’m eating smoothies (with goiji berries, cacao nibs, starberries, and lot) for every breakfast. Also been drinking loads of mate… I actually been thinking how I can I take it with me to all my summer trips… can’t get mate from Altai, can you?

Now, bodily I’m worse shape than in a long time. Firstly I eat too much and drink too little, but that’s nothing really. Real problems, I have had my heel aching about a month now. It started very weak and now it’s bit worse… but it changes. Yesterday when I was at tuesday lab.. through out the whole hour and a half dancing I didn’t notice it at all. Todays rehearsal it really hurt couple of times… And I dont’ know should I massage it or not.. Heal heal heal… Then last week I was rehearsing with Petri (we’re going to perform on 4.4) and I just went to the floor and somehow hit my lower back on the floor so that it’s still hurting… I’ve gone to the floor millions of times and nothing… I don’t really understand…
And even with both of these last sunday jam was awesome. I had such a great dance with mirva, somehow slightly disoriented (specially the beginning) but feeling this great flow of things and choices just opening more and more, directions, pathways. Brilliant. then continuing with Panu with a score “no high lifts” that also so nice, until we had to stop to look for Pierre’s shoes (some poor bastard had taken them, stolen apparently) and then great dance with Katri, it’s always fun because I dont’ really lift her aymore, she just lifts me.. No I tell I lie. I just fall on to her support, she doesn’t really lift me much, as such. Great great great. And yet, my heel and back hurting…
In other dance life, like work I really feel that I’m not too good at it. like contemporary dance… I’m good at improvising working with scores, and strucktures, but with tightly set movements into counts of eight… uh, I would like to be good, but I’m not, at least just yet. Mebbe if I have chance to be in more pieces where I need that I’ll improve. But it’s unlikely that I’ll start to practise that without good reason, like work.
At the same time I’m painfly aware that I don’t take care of my future enough… money should be applied now (well most of it should have had applied already) but I don’t have wonderful idea’s.. Well I do but it’s quite hard to express them in writing. specially when they should be expressed by movement. Well I try to get one application done.

Ok so quite a lot about “my” life. Lot of things also missing but if you know me you now. If you don’t ask.

So I was visiting marko and we started to talk about artificial intelligence. This led to…well
My question or hypothesis is that intelligence, as we know it, or at least as I understand it, has a if not personality, identity.
First I though about personality, but then I started t think of swarm/hive intelligence, so maybe they (the hive) don’t have personality (can bee keepers tell different hives from each other by their personality, not the place) but they do have identity, I’m sure about it. Also intelligence is created by perceiving. so what are the means how artificial intelligence can perceive? and from that perception it will create a view of the world, it’s possibilities to communicate with, and affect to it. It will create a place for it self in this world, A personality A identity. Scientist are so nice, they’re finding all the time more and more about animals, and how many of the things (views) we though only humans have are actually shared. I have this memory of reading that even fishes have some kind of self image and view about their place in the swarm. Funny that.

So again this all comes to the fact I’ve been saying already before. We are nothing without perception and we perceive with body. I am my body… I am that pain in my heel. and at the same time, there s no I.. Bloody buddhists, they’re everywhere.

Ah so.. the other thing is actually connected.. well everything is connected. I though why I want so much stuff? and I realised I try to have some kind of anchor. to be attached to something because it’s so scary not to be attached to anything. That’s why we need people, or places or stuff to be attached to something, because those attachements keep on telling us what and who we are. And that’s why every once in a while some people throw it all away (well all that they can/want) because they don’t want to be the person those things/person are telling them to be. With getting things, I desperatöy try to figure out or tell myself who I am. But I’m nothing of those things. I can and will change endlessly, I can try to deny it, sure, but it will happen anyway. Changes can of course be small or big (like I still like a lot of Siamese Dream, like I did over ten years ago), but they will happen. There is no me, no I that would stay. Now, how can I learn to really accept that, and understand that I don’t really need the stuff, or the people or places or anything. And yet I keep on needing them.

I care because you do.

Oh and as an ending, well kind of, for this post. I have had this song, called Old Age as my favourite for a really long time. I remember playing it in Earthdance one night. and it was there before so it’s at elast from 2005. Lyrics of course came up Much later, part of it on 2006 lots of part later, and I’m still not sure are the lyrics really ready. Anyhow I finally got it almost recorded the way I want (well I though so) and at the same time I found out something important about my Fostex 16-tracker: So I have these 5 tracks, 3 guitars and 2 vocals. and I’m making internal mix from them. So from PG 25 “old Age” I will mix these five tracks together and fostex will make from this mix PG 43 “Int.mix old age”. So in all the senses PG 43 should soun the same as I hear PG 25 sounding while I’m making the mix. But surprise! It deosn’t! eveything is much more back, further away and silent… So dear engineers who made this machine, How the hell I should get good results when the resolution of the mix doesn’t sound the same as when I’m mixing it? Anyway. here you are:

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Good night and good luck to you all.

Random assembly

light reaches through
So where are we? Where I am?

I am at home. What is a home? Home is where the heart is. Where is my heart?
What is the difference between languages? What does it mean if I say the same thing with another, or another.. Suddenly the meaning, feeling based is different. Other one lighter other more serious, meaningful tones.

Could I keep silence? No I can’t.

So we talk, when do we get there, into the talking. With other ones is so easy, with other ones it takes time. We do have it, the time, if we can just believe so.

Making light plans for future, serious ones tend to fail.
Do I know what I want? Do you know what you want?
I am asking this from all of you?

I should make music some thing says. I’m making but not saving. Things happen in the moment, music happens in the moment, it is not saved, unless my memory recovers it. You have to be here to hear.

One of my toenails is almost of. Almost is the nasty part. To change it will be painful. I don’t like pain.

I feel that I’m not so much there, present on the stage. I would like to be more, I would like to do more, I would like to dance more. But I understand why the effort is not put in me. Maybe I don’t seem to put enough effort myself. What is enough? But I do put effort. And it’s ok, Now I just have to put all my effort on those moments when I’m there. I put all my effort to be here, now.

Friends are such an important thing, mirrors, reflections, paths to carry on.

I choose to use my time in sitting in front of. I should just sit. I think.
Ceremony, estherics, ritual. Will I make one?

What is the difference of want and will (and how much more relevant this is in finnish)?

Choose again.

I’m playing it again.
I do want out of the city, but with whom and to where?

There is an answer, we just don’t want to hear.

I’m finding mistakes, flaws everywhere.

Give me a call, I might hear it.

What do I choose to do?

Good night and good luck to you all.