cards and notes
I was watching a movie with a friend. I came back home, e-mail waiting for me telling that they’re not taking me to teach in Freiburg this year either. Maybe I’ll apply next year then. Maybe I’m done with teaching, maybe I’m somewhere else. You never know. However I feel dissapointed. Somewhere else they’re asking me to teach, I’m happy and scared to go. What do I have to teach anyway. I’m not sure how I’ll teach in SOS, I’m not sure how I’ll teach in Berlin, if the workshop is happening and I hope it is.
I’m not sure where to be on new year. More important would be, with whom, but it seems there are no great gatherings of people I know and like to be with. I was going to freiburg jam but now it seems I’m not. Flight from Berlin to Helsinki cost the same on 31.12.08 and 01.01.09 so where do I want to stay? It seems that there is no one anyway. And suddenly I feel alone, even though I know I’m not.
Or actually it’s all matter of perspective again, but I think whatever you are you’re always, either alone or not, but always. Our perspective have tendency to change of course.
Yesterday I was in xmas party. University sports. I knew one person there. And after the party I still know one person there. It’s so hard to meet people. It’s somehow difficult to communicate, most of people don’t seem to understand my humour, unless they have to spend some longer period of time with me. Of course there is exceptions, thank god. But I didn’t meet any of those yesterday. How ever I had fun dancing dor 3-4 hours. Very bad music, but who cares.
I feel loss, or lost, but that I have felt for a long time now, so it’s nothing new.
It feels bad to be rejected, even if it’s just a couple of hours of teaching. But the benefits would have been nice. And by the time I suppose I should have got used to be rejected. Specially since it’s so hard for be to believe that I’m accepted or wanted.
I wonder why she doesn’t answer my messages, I hate when people are not clear, even when they are unclear if they let others know they’re unclear it’s ok, but not to tell anything, just cut off, is deeply annoying. Reasons can be several, do I care what they are? It’s just another rejection, get used to it.
And through all this complaining I know everything is alright. There’s nothing that is meant to be. There is only is. We are so eager to find meaning everywhere. We need it. I need it. meaning for this, but there isn’t and that is the meaning. Same old same old.
All is good, its alright.
I made this song once, “it’s ok”
So speaking about music, one thing that I got quite some time ago is Max Richter‘s 24 postcards in full color. Now, I absolutely adore The Blue Notebooks and Memoryhouse, but for some reason I didn’t get the hang of Song from Before (at least not yet). 24 Postcards… is excatly what it says. 24 short pieces, some very strong some more vague, but in full color anyway. Like postcards where space is limited but can make a great impression and have a big meaning or can be a just nice note from someone thinking of you. I though I share two of my favourite “cards” here. Both of them are easily recognized as Richter’s and both are sentimental or melacholic, to which I’m always drawn. There is also more happy/positive cards in the pack, but like I said. I’m drawn to melancholic moods.
Good night with these two. i should be sleeping already
Max Richter – H in New England
Max Richter – Berlin by Overnight
