:Wavetales

Oh well.

Yesterday I was invited to dinner. I was pleased, since quite a few nights around here I’ve been only hearing spanish and not really been able to be part in conversation. So since I understood that the invitation was made specially because I was here, I somehow expected things to be bit different.
They were not.

In beginning of meal I was asked, in spanish, do I understand, obviously I didn’t. “You’ll feel” was said. During the whole meal I was spoken maybe five times:
“Could you pass me that”
“Thanks”
“More wine?”
“Could you give me those risebowls?”
“Do you want ice cream?”

In the beginning of a stay I am usually interested about people, how they act, their facial expressions etc. But now I’ve been here too long for that. I tried to keep myself open but I really couldn’t. I just kept wondering that why did they invite me in the first place? I was a ghost, only thing that make me existent was that I was eating the food, so there wasn’t that much for them.
I can’t remember when was the last time I have felt myself so lonely, so not being, so indifferent. I don’t matter, my presence doesn’t matter… Of course this is not true. I’m physically present, I change the space. But I felt that it’s all the same am I there or not.

So why did they invite me? I have no idea. But everything has a good sides. When thinking of Zen and/or buddhism that was clear lesson of self an it’s still continuing. What are my wants and needs and how selfcentered I am. Why should I matter in the first place? I with all it’s wants and needs. I had to really work on that since I can’t remember when was the last time I swallowed tears with food. And I couldn’t cry there, except now to think of it, I should have. Why should I be careful how I follow behaviour codes anyway? But I am.

So then I went for a walk, came back, they continued conversation. I spoke only finnish when I left. And when finally in a car said couple of sentences in finnish, and not in a nice way. And got complaint being rude. Oh well.

How do I react? How should I react? To what I actually react? How my feelings and emotions shift and how can I shift them? I know I need to shift them now. That’s one reason why I’m writing this now. I could be pissed for the rest of my time here, and I don’t want to be. So how do I shift?

Oh well what ever nevermind.