Clear ways

I wish…

Heart ache.
But really there’s nothing.

[no, I tell a lie]

Berlin is nice, too.
Bicycles are great invention.

I’m shoppin oil and trying to find Devajal Crystal structure charger… Becoming a hippie…
No really i just like so much how the vortex looks. it’s cool. I think it’s actualy also double helix at the same time, so, it must be something good. And I need ways to create rituals for myself.

I wonder how Johan got on, or is he still in ibiza?
None of my business of course.

should be sleeping.
Soon more music.

Take Care.

Rainy days

I’ll leave tomorrow.
Somethings to do other where.

Today is a party, me and Johan leaving.
But it rains, suddenly, so let’s see what it will be.

packing.

I’ll never miss the places but the people.
No, I tell a lie.

Rarely places.

Careful steps.

indifference

Oh well.

Yesterday I was invited to dinner. I was pleased, since quite a few nights around here I’ve been only hearing spanish and not really been able to be part in conversation. So since I understood that the invitation was made specially because I was here, I somehow expected things to be bit different.
They were not.

In beginning of meal I was asked, in spanish, do I understand, obviously I didn’t. “You’ll feel” was said. During the whole meal I was spoken maybe five times:
“Could you pass me that”
“Thanks”
“More wine?”
“Could you give me those risebowls?”
“Do you want ice cream?”

In the beginning of a stay I am usually interested about people, how they act, their facial expressions etc. But now I’ve been here too long for that. I tried to keep myself open but I really couldn’t. I just kept wondering that why did they invite me in the first place? I was a ghost, only thing that make me existent was that I was eating the food, so there wasn’t that much for them.
I can’t remember when was the last time I have felt myself so lonely, so not being, so indifferent. I don’t matter, my presence doesn’t matter… Of course this is not true. I’m physically present, I change the space. But I felt that it’s all the same am I there or not.

So why did they invite me? I have no idea. But everything has a good sides. When thinking of Zen and/or buddhism that was clear lesson of self an it’s still continuing. What are my wants and needs and how selfcentered I am. Why should I matter in the first place? I with all it’s wants and needs. I had to really work on that since I can’t remember when was the last time I swallowed tears with food. And I couldn’t cry there, except now to think of it, I should have. Why should I be careful how I follow behaviour codes anyway? But I am.

So then I went for a walk, came back, they continued conversation. I spoke only finnish when I left. And when finally in a car said couple of sentences in finnish, and not in a nice way. And got complaint being rude. Oh well.

How do I react? How should I react? To what I actually react? How my feelings and emotions shift and how can I shift them? I know I need to shift them now. That’s one reason why I’m writing this now. I could be pissed for the rest of my time here, and I don’t want to be. So how do I shift?

Oh well what ever nevermind.

Without my body

I am not.
_ _

Zen-
Ok, I’ve been reading about it, a bit.

Also about Tao.

Came to logical resolution that there is only this life, nothing more.
Make best of it.
This chain of though is represented already in 2004 or 2005, not in final form though.
Uh, I notice that I’ve misplaced the orginal text of mine, I was sure it floated in the net but not anymore. I got it home.
But Simply said: without my body I am not.
Of course Christianity goes around/through this, believing the resurrection of the body.

Anyway.
To alter the mind, is to alter the perception of the body, thus, body shapes the mind.
However after not so long the mind starts to alter the perception, choose.
And making itself (meself, sense of self) stronger. Perceiving the things how they are and how they can be becomes harder and harder and more and more our perception is altered, chosen by the mind. “There is no such as things as angels, so this what I see before me can’t be one.”
Douglas Adams writes about this, so does Terry Pratchett, and somehow so does Luke Rhinehart.
(btw the value of dice man just rises in my mind day by day)

But I haven’t sen angels, but some quite beautiful people.

I’m having a hard time being in the present. Always feeling regret about the choises I made and fear about the choices I’ll make. Having hopes and dreams and illusions of the future.
So hard to be here now.
And I do not see clearly, I need convincing. Please use words for a while. Please tell me what is, what is this.

Patience, time, clarity.
Yeah, have to get that album just because the name of it: Come Clarity, In flames?

I would like to write more about this, but I have no time now, and no patience. And I feel that there’s is quite a few books which says it all already.

Take Care Now