Few words about

fade into..

cynicism.

You see it seems that most people don’t really think. Or don’t really sense so much even though in this age is the hip to sense and feel. Be overwhelmed every moment.
To have this craving for feeling. I must feel something! Mostly we feel nothing much, it’s quite ok, drearys.

Some people claim that I am the most cynical person they know. That might be true. Where this cynicism springs from? This is my interpretation.

It’s so hard to be sensitive, fragile and emphatic. I can’t burst out crying everytime I read the paper, well I can but that’s quite consuming also. Where most of the people’s seem to close their eyes and ears and whatnot, to not to notice that things are Not going quite the way they should be. People are not so nice as they should be. Justice (whatever that may be) is not served quite like it should be. And maybe those who are not so sensitive about it can go on living quite easily. Then again those who are not have to protect themselves somehow.
This sensitivity to world and people and right and wrong and possibility to do something about it, makes some people cynical. Of course there has been this fashion also, to be ever cynical and ironic. But that’s not real.

I feel that my choices are limited. I can either, become hardheaded, hardhearted and dumb. I can stay as fragile as I am and brake down again and again (which I’ll do anyway). Or I can become cynical. I choose to be cynical. It’s really hard to be anything else when you read the newspapers today. And it’s not really even this sensitivity, it’s about this helplesness not to be able to do something about it. I can’t save you. So please take care of yourself.

I’m not making myself very clear, am I?

kil

fall feel fail

Nothing much. Grandmother turned 91 today. Pretty old. Just last summer, this summer, she said that don’t live as old as she. I agree and probably won’t.

Listening Sun Kil Moon which is surprisingly good. I’m not so into this… kind.. of.. but this album works. I won’t rush into the shop but anyway. And it’s nice since I’ve read quite a few review of bands album(s) and always wondered since the name is so.. It could be anything from metal to rap and it’s… country?

Kim is still in my headphones. Noticed that sennheiser px100 are much more detailed than kossportapro. Or at least I’m suddenly hearing stuff that I haven’t payed attention/heard with portapro’s, Don’t know.

Short note

cdcdcdcdcdcdcd

Okay.
since I don’t see this anywhere else.

Supersilent will be playing in Umo Jazz house on 09.11.06 with In The Country and Susanna And The Magical Orchestra.
Tickets will be only 15€. For more check the link above.

I’m going to be there.

We’re waiting for the storm.

Any clearer?

clear clear

Searching the way to get myself to the next land.
It so boring to travel alone. But I want to be there already on tuesday and everyone else seem to be coming on wednesday or even thursday.

And how about coming back then. Maybe I’ll come through Turku after all. Chance to meet someone if someone is there.

Maybe I could get my shirts from Jojo? Could it be? Doubt it.

Anyway I need good books. Definetly.

nothing too serious though.

Redesigning darlingdear.net is rather hard, although now I think I’m finding some simple solutions after all. I mean, it won’t change much. White still dominates but maybe not so much pop up’s. There’s some problem points of course, like layout site and photosite, but let’s see.

Mobile playing: Kim Hiorthøy – Melke
Melke is very very good. It’s a lot better than “Hei”, somehow I think that mister Hiorthøy has a talent to make songs, not albums. Melke is collected from various collectons mixes etc. I love Kim’s version on Monopot’s Sane, although the original is beaut’ too.

Read: the last continent by pratchett
reading: maskerade by pratchett

Watershed

misty windows

It’s been raining. The rain got me outside for a while. The water started to come in, next to the chimney first. I called my landlord who said that it has happened before, and it just need some silicone insulation and that he’s coming tomorrow. But then water started drop out of the roof about meter away from the chimney. Not funny at all. I called him again and he though that it’s still probably the chimney but that the water travels a bit inside the roof. He said that the roof breathes so it will dry out, but of course it would be nice that there wouldn’t be so much water to dry out. So I went to the roof with a headlamp, plasticbags, tape and a piece of thin rope. I tried to tie plasticbags around this seam which is probably leaking. I also tried to see if there’s any marks on the roof but I didn’t really see any. Well, probably he’s right about the chimney seam.

My father’s place just had water damage. I still don’t know has the plumbing leaked or has the upstairs neighbour had a really bad day, but there was a lot of water. Lucky my 16-tracker didn’t catch any. Houses should be for water staying out and us inside dry. Not funny at all.

Didn’t got money from TKT for travelling to Russia to perform so now I just filled an application for sleipnir. If I don’t get the grant I cannot go.

Got mail from KELA that they’ll give me 170€ after all, oh how nice. That’s almost half of my rent so I guess it’s noworries then.

Updated to WP 2.0.4 which went quite easily except I missed a couple of things first.

Been listening a lot of music today. Just now Jim O’Rourke’s insignificance which is really quite quite good.
Also good deal of Ulver.

I read Thud by Pratchett and it was very nice. They’re quite the same but somehow right now I like these A-M story lines, like night watch, going postal, the truth and so on. It seems that The Witches has been out of storyboard for a while, except with Tiffany Aching, but it’s not really the same is it. But I just said I like these A-M storylines so it’s ok with me. I’m sure Granny Weatherwax shall return on some point.
Since everything is so depressing (is it really?) I started to read “the last continent”, good fun.

Good night.

Side of the day

take it all down
“Who are you that lies dying, right beside the rhythm”
-MDB

Yes there’s is a new album out from MDB, put I have no idea when I’ll get it.

I’m still home even though S&J are in town and I should see them before 3. Better go soon.

I woke up and for some reason… no I remember wrong. I woke up and there was nothing playing in my head. I opened iTunes and decided that after yesterday’s evening Anathema dose I need something else. Noticed the Lali Puna folder and a song started to play in my head. Spent some time finding what song it excatly was. Not much time since it was Nin-Com-Pop, first song on Scary World Theory. Left it playing and went down to have coffee. And suddenly I noticed this sound I’ve wondered with The White Birch. On second side of TWB album is this probably a synth sound that was remarkably familiar. Yes I think it’s the same as in SWT song “Don’t Think”

These are the kind of things I get happy about. I find something, small details. Quite the same when I was quite sure that in Nine Horses the trumpet player is very familiar and found out it was Arve Henriksen. Or when I was so sure that Aag is playing guitar solo’s in Diabolical Masquerade’s “Death’s design” and found out that he was.

I think I have to send a cd to some radiostations. I never hear Lali Puna or Alva Noto or Michael Akiyama in radio these days.

Lali Puna brings me to this money thing again since they’re in Morr Music. And oh boy there’s so much in their catalog that I would like to hear better.

Tomorrow we are rehearsin “mercy” the whole day (probably some hours) with Sari in hyvinkää. I’ll try to find where did I put that box where are all my Terry Pratchett’s. And on saturday we start rehearsing with R.
So I’m busy, it’s nice.

Oh and I got my calendar yesterday from moleskine.dk. They even improved it a bit. On 2006 calendar there’s no week numbers marked. On 2007 there is. I’m quite happy that I got it.

morale

trees we free

Ok. Some numbers.

Between 1-30.9 I worked 4 hours for university sports
From that time, UNSports will pay me on 31.10
Between 1-14.10 I did 6 hours.
From that time UNsports will pay me on 30.11

To get money out from KELA, The Social Insurance Institution of Finland, I need to fill this form in which I state have I worked or not, and if I have, which days and how many hours. That form was from 12.9-14.10.
So between that time I’ve done work for 10 hours. Which means they won’t give me full amount of social insurance. Eventhough I have papers to prove that I won’t get any money from that work until end of october and november.
What is even better is that since I cannot have salary certificate (paper stating how much money they pay me) from UNsports, since they can only give certificate from those payment they have already made (which means that certificates from all those 10 hours I’ll get at the end of november), KELA won’t give me any money. All this means that I’ll get about 100€ at the end of october and about 200€ at the end of november. Now, my rent is about 345€ (including electricity). All this added up means that I cannot pay my rent on november or december and/or I cannot afford to have anything to eat, not to even mention travelling. And by travelling I mean inside the city of helsinki. I’m still biking everywhere, but the weather is getting colder and colder.

This whole thing sucks big time. Who the hell made up this system and why on earth are politicians so fucked up that they can’t make a better one. Children on 3rd grade have more sense in their head and could, with all probability, do a better one. And how about those person who actually work on social security or KELA. What the fuck are they thinking? I mean they must know the system doesn’t work. They see it everyday, but instead of trying to do something about it, like bringing it into the conciousness of politicians, they just sit there and are “doing their job”. What a fucking bunch of cowards I say. Well then again, what I’m I and what can I do about this? Well not much and that’s the depressing point. I called to Socialministers secretary who didn’t put me forward to minister, but put me forward to one person who put me forward to next person who gave me some sort of advise. But it seems that phone call will not change things.

Now for the president of USA. When you start to throw nukes around, remember to point one around here. Well, you’ll do it anyway. I mean, russia is still russia.

The moral of the story?
Either get a full day job (which I would like to have, but as a dancer/artist, suggestions anyone?) or then just stay unemployed. I have a great urge to call my boss in UNsports and say I quit, don’t pay me anything and then fill up a new form saying I’ve been unenployed all the time. Not much money, but hey, at least I can pay my rent.

I try to not be depressed but I am. I don’t want to live in society like this.

big plans

trees

I had such a big plans for today but clock is already half past five, and I have done nothing as I planned, except played a bit of guitar.

A couple of days ago amazon noticed me that Max Richter is releasing a new album. Since the blue notebooks and memoryhouse are one of my favourite albums, of course I’m interested. And if you are too, go to fatcat’s site and listen samples of the new songs. They sound as good as the two previous albums. So yes, another release I “have to” get.

At the same time raster-noton has released a bunch of new cd’s that i “have to” get too.

And for the complete downfall I visited Intr-Version and noticed that Avia Gardner and aMute have both released new albums and I don’t have their previous ones even. Bugger bugger bugger.

And I listened stars of the lid which sounds oh so nice also and found them on vinyl. Aarghhh.

And of course there’s this “new” cd from mister Basinski that I just “have to” get.

Not to mention the whole tenderversion albums that I want, but I’ll wait till Once we were‘s Contra is out. Hell actually I’ll wait untill I have the money. But anyway.

And since I didn’t found new calendar from the shops, because I want a moleskine small pocket calendar and for some reason any of the shops didn’t have that, I spent some time browsing and found this. I ordered 2007 calendar straight away. I pondered quite a while between soft cover and hard cover, but then I ended up to get hard cover one. I hope it comes soon there’s already somethings happening next year that I should remember and keep track.

haha some people have their calendars going on till 2009 already. I usually don’t know anything about my next week.

Mail addresses are giving grief. Right now one is totally down, other is filling up with junk. I have tried to make new address but my webprovider have some problems with their mail program and I cannot create new accounts. All very annoying.

And my adsl provider is giving up 500mb webspace so maybe I can add a couple more video’s with out having to remove the old ones. Let’s see.

of the story

mirrorball

Listening to Monopot, why on earth they aren’t here anymore? Are they? Two magnificent albums.

Spent a part of the evening yesterday on youtube watching old rap videos. Well I’m not into videos but hearing the songs. Moral of the story? Never sell your cd’s. Ok I’m not into rap or hiphop anymore, but still there is some good stuff like the black sheep and jungle brothers and public enemy. What the hell happened to rap music anyway? Nowdays it only seems to be crap, is somebody actually saying something? That happened occasionally in the 90’s.

Had a long talk with M about religion and religious experience. Can you convert your experience into words? Words always lack something, they don’t really reach the substance. That’s why explaining what the experience actually was, becomes somewhat unclear. And we tend to use those words that are given to us. This is my opinion, not his. So my social background tells me how I will interpret the experience. Won’t it?

It’s so very nice that they make new versions of iTunes, but everytime it seems to take more memory more space more time. They’re trying to make me buy a new computer, and believe me, if I would have that kind of money, I would. 24″iMac yes please.

Galactica is totally soap yes, but there’s a good question. Why would we deserve to survive. Does god have false creations?

We’re very funny that we try often make world black and white eventhough it’s clearly to be seen that very few of us are black, even fewer white, just endles shades of grey. Fundamentals.

I was a bit confused today. I though NIM would be on week 43 and not on 44 as earlier expected, I checked the dates today and it is on 44. I’m confused, or maybe the earlier info was about week 45. What ever I hope I find a way to go there.

Good night and good luck to you all.

How about tomorrow

branch

I never wake up early enough these days.
I keep thinking why on earth are we living? Should I just give up and go nurse children somewhere with big responsibility and low pay?
And then there are those people who somehow make it and I just don’t realize, specially when they’re not that good really. More like annoying. It’s true, it’s the mental climate.
Mental hey ho here we go.

Some sunny news. Supersilent is coming to finland quite soon. This time I’m going to see them also.

More noise, anyone?

After the rain

juniper

They say that unless we have some heavy rain before the cold comes, the underground water resources will be lower than ever. And at the same time there’s a bunch of people saying that there’s no need to worry about global warming. Well it is true that earth has it’s cycles. There has been many ice ages, there will be one again. Seasons change. We will vanish.

So unnoticed we pass away, like a flickering in a perpetual chaos
– At the Gates

According to some scientist, we as a race, have been here a lot lesser time than what the dinosaur were. This is just another try out. Will this work will his work will this work. We should know by now that it won’t, probably. That’s the thing, we don’t know. It’s hard to believe, after all we seen.

Another journalist murdered. But it isn’t related.

The question is why we keep on living? In so many cases there doesn’t seem to be any point. There’s no point.
Only thing that keeps us living is the life itself.
ets.

Ecki’s CI course was very good, very easy in a way, very technical in a way, very nice people in a way. Good teacher to be sure. All the info about NIM is coming but I feel it’s too late, I hope I can make it there but it doesn’t look too good.

I heard bad news how people do bad things with words. Very very annoying. I mean, there’s no other way than trust our own work completely and not listen what others have to say. But then it runs a great risk of becoming totally blind and so introvert that the work doesn’t touch anyone else except yourself. But why we want to put ourselves, well some of us, into this position where anyone can like or dislike. And your change to work or live from your work is so tightly tied to those likes/dislikes. Who likes who dislikes. Where do I want to belong?

What nourishes us. How much rain do I need, and how much sun?

The tragedy is that since there’s no “have to”‘s and no “must”‘s I have to decide from almost limitless options how to live my life. Every way is the right way?

we drift on….

Listening: atg and philip glass
read: interesting times by Terry Pratchett once again
watching: galactica

switch on switch off

work off

Net still down for the most of the day.
Repairman called me today and said he will look into it. Certainly.

Still watching Galactica and will be watching for some time.
Deadwoods anyone? Bring them to me.

Another morning and I just couldn’t get myself up. There was lot to do today and I didn’t do it.

So I left the Island about 17 to go CI practise. Good that I did. At first seemed that there would be only four people but then we turned out to be six. We did the underscore, basically. But with this sense of space, connections and wholeness that I haven’t experienced in CI jam before. I have experienced in dance improvisation with orientation on improvisating, with or with out physical contact, but not with a jam or space which is concentrating heavily on physical contact. When we set up tuesdays this autumn there was a lot of discussion about the low energy. Well today when I went there I had a low energy, when I noticed there’s only 6 of us, it didn’t really helped, when we started circle I had low energy and it seemed that everybody else had also. But then when we started walking, standing and warming up it really expanded. There is and was energy and willingness to use it, put it into space, put it into the dance, dancing. Very happy that I got myself there.

At some point I have to write about cynicism.

Not to forget music: If I haven’t mentioned Ryoji Ikeda’s VPRO live album is awesome. It’s pretty old I guess, but if anyone has it on cd. I would like to have a backup. I have it on vinyl.

Brewing ideas for the new darlingdear lay out still. I’m afraid it’s going to be a heavy frames version.

Today made me think about doing 5th draft of “mercy” with some one. Who could it be? And when the hell I’m able to finish/perform the 2nd with Noora?

Hm, would some radio station hire me?

loosed

mug mug

I’m not sure for what I am paying. Net connection has been down since morning till 19:20. Quite annoying. Then again I haven’t yet payed anything, but makes me wonder should I pay anything at all.

I’m trying to re design darlingdear.net and it very very difficult since I just can’t work with flash. I havent’ really studiet it, and to get anything done with it I apparently should study it somewhere. It just doesn’t follow my logic. It probably has it’s own.

I started to watch galactiga. such a fun? well not really. I got sucked into deadwood more.

Design, it’s so very hard. all the colors and stuff. Photographs are so much easier. Well I found out about iframe and ilayer which will help me a bit. But let’s see when will I get it done. My idea is that instead of multiple windows we would stay in just one window. Mainly.

It’s so nic to stay home and do work you like, eventhough it’s frustrating every once in a while.