Just another
Silver is just another gold?
Doesn’t make sense. I hear wrong, probably. Nevertheless Silver is brilliant. It’s much more, um, happy than the previous precious, but it’s still clearly Jesu and it’s really good. 2nd album is on process. Jeij we say.
I’m living with anxiety. I’m feeling anxiety. I knew it’s coming but it’s always as unwelcome. Things are changing and I don’t know to what and how and why and. Most of all I don’t know much. I’m scared as always in these situations. Studying is so easy since you have quite simple day/week/month/year programme, but then (now) when it’s done. There’s nothing. I’m not sure what I want to do. Or I am, I want to play like I’ve been playing, with music, with visuals, with movement. But now I should make somekind of living out of it, which means money. I really don’t know who is willing to pay me for playing. The play is work, it’s serious and it has a function, but it’s not as clear function as it would be sitting on a shop counter, etc.
And right now I’m really annoyed that I went and got the degree out of social work. Why? I can’t really be unemployed, they’ll have work for me on socialfield straight away. It just isn’t anything I would like to do AND the pay is lousy. I wouldn’t mind watching kids or helping youngsters if I would be payed, oh let’s say a 2000€/month minus taxes. I could do that half a year and then take other half off. The problem is, they’ll pay for that probably something like 1300€/month minus taxes and that really isn’t a lot if you consider the responsibility of the job and the overall hardness. And anyone claiming it’s not hard, spend 2 weeks with 20 five year old and come talk to me then.
So I don’t like where I am at the moment. Things will clear and shift and be foggy again and the clear again. It’s not that bad I know, but I can’t really help how I feel.
What if we wouldn’t have to worry about money ever again.
I came today from helsinki where I spent a couple of days mainly watching dance. Good performances, although I’m coming to conclusion that to me it’s harder and harder to say something bad about perfromances. Just like with the books. I rarely read a bad book, occasionally yes. It’s seems that within this last year I’ve rarely seen bad performances, occasionally. It’s hard to say that performance is bad. Even from the stuff I don’t get anything, I know that somebody else will, and I know in most of the cases lately, that the performer is really putting herself to it and doing the work honestly and with clear intent. So who the hell I am saying it’s a bad performance. I can say that I did’t get anything out of it or that I didn’t like it, but that’s about it.
About somethings I saw:
Well, I liked R surprisingly lot. I wasn’t so sure why she is doing what she is doing before hand eventhough we talk quite a lot. But seeing her actually performing really opened my mind and woke up some serious questions about humanity, humans and the process of learning/getting something done. And the movement was really clear, sharp [the way babies are] and well studiet. I was kinda worried how the other people will take the work, but all the things I’ve heard have been really positive, from which I’m really glad. Since you probably don’t know what she was doing I’ll open it this much: She has studiet babies, movement and developmental movement patterns for sometime now and the whole performance was that process of learning/evolving from lying to standing [to put it simple].
Raisa was… I don’t know what she was. Breathing, moving beautifully, letting us sense. This is the things that words really don’t reach that much. You have to see her work I guess. Like, it was nothing special in a way and that was so special about it.
I also liked a lot of Maija’s piece. Can’t say much out of it, except that the sounds she got from her friend were great. There was two people credited for sounds, and all sounds worked, but specially the ending of the piece with all the red lights flashing and “your hand is warm inside, warm inside, cold outside”. Movement was really sharp, solid and clear. Small cycles repeating. Didn’t think much.
It won’t be so hard, not for you not you…
Do I hear right? Listen for yourself. Jesu-silver-star
Instead hanging out here, I should get sleep and start packing.
Maybe I’ll read a bit first.
Which brings to mind that because getting myself always in a hurry to leave I forgot to take books with me on wednesday when I left. I got that covered by going to bookshop in Joensuu and getting Gaiman’s “Anansi Boys”. Not bad at all. got me laughing out loud a couple of times and was very very entertaining. I think I have to read “American Gods” again. I still have an opinion that his graphic novels, like the whole sandman series and let’s say “violent cases”, are better than is actual books, but I’m not 100% sure. I have to read Sandmans again. Maybe I’ll have time on this summer. I’ve already packed them.
Do you ever sit on a bus or a train and look all those houses and all the people living their life and just feel so utterly overwhelmed by the futility and the emptiness of it all? And it’s not some teenage angst I’m talking about now. It’s the feeling I got from the book “ole luonani aina” [never let me go] of which I talked about here. That’s the feeling, that we can’t really do that much and what’s the use anyway and…. I wonder how all those really depressed people get on with their days.
good night and good luck to you all.
