:Wavetales

Practised today with the sounds of CoL, Katatonia and Ulver. Went through “things we lost in the fire” once. Leaving out some stuff taking it easy and still it was 17 minutes long. I thought it would be shorter since I really left things out.

Was performing yesterday in stardust and oh how depressing. No one says a thing. When I come to think of it, R is the only person who has ever said that my performance/performing/work is good. I think no one else. And sometimes I feel that she sees me like my mother, not realistic really, always a bit more than I really am.
I wouldn’t like to compare myself, but I do. How people applaud, to others, to me. Well it seemed that Timo liked my yesterday’s so at least something. He didn’t say anything though. Yes, I am depressed, with performing. Why the hell I’ve been in this school for 2&1/2 years. And tomorrow I should do a solo yet again. I try to build up trust. Not to myself, but to work, and eventually the work will include me. How do you trust when there’s no one to trust to. How do you feel, when you feel lost?

Morning there was Mogwai playing, then ATG on my trip to school and back. Back home Mogwai again and I’m listening ep+6. rage:man went through me totally. When those distorted guitars hit the scene I just collapsed o to my bed and laughed/cried, silently, out of breath. Not because it was funny/sad, but because it’s beautiful. The whole song is. Do you know what is pure joy? I think I do.

This makes me think, how there’s so many ways to listen. I can listen to this song over and over again not really letting it touch me. I can like it, I can enjoy it, but I’m not really giving myself in. Or I can really choose to be taken, to really listen and feel. To be here.
How often people really let it come through. Maybe that’s why most of radio stations play simple, empty headed, unpersonal pop. People don’t want to be touched. And it’s understandable, on work, on probably most social situations, we don’t want to be touched. To be there, open.

And of course different persons have different keys. I can tell you some of mine:
Mogwai – rage:man
Arvo Pärt – Spiegel im spiegel
Balanescu quartet – Still with me
Sufjan Steven – Flint
At the Gates – the Flames of the end

There is more, and they change with time of course. Although I think Spiegel im spiegel will be eternal.
It’s hard to give in, to really listen, to really feel.

Take space, Give time, Give in.

3 tales