:Wavetales

I want new skin.
Some I want thicker,
Some I want thinner.

And I judge and am judged, and how I get angry because the ones who are judging me.
How you keep your heart open, and when I question the openess by the acts from history, I am mean and spiteful. I feel that I am, I know it.
I think with my head.
But it’s not that simple.
My thinking is emotions, My emotions are thinking, My moving is emotions, my touches are thinking. And true if we do divide, and we do, I think more than I feel. No I tell a lie, I’m more in my head than in my heart.
I’m lost with feelings because there’s so many. And in my feelings there is not a right way. And in my head there’s not a right way. Trick is to combine, or not to separate, me thinks/feels.

I am not worth of you. That is my problem, have been and still is. I don’t see myself as worth. Why would you, stay here. And because of something, I don’t want to be left. And I am left. we all are, I think.

So present comes from past and projects to the future. What I want now is what I want in future. And it’s rather helpfull, if you want to share that future, to have somehow, same intentions, same kind of view of relationship. What do you want from it.
I am here to open doors, you say.
I don’t carry your bag you say.
Even with all your love, I’m still not here to serve you.
I’ll help you as a friend, best I can, if you let me.
But I don’t want to get hurt, left when you get your doors open.
Get a locksmith.

We are never worth, there’s nothing to be worth with/of.
So what is worth to you?
And what is worth to me?

I feel lost in life. I want to be lost, it seems.
Hedonism married with wierd sense of responsibility is not an easy match.
I know what I want and that might be the problem, that I’m looking for it, asking is this it? maybe I shouldn’t, things come, things pass.
This will pass.
And that is the problem, I want something that doesn’t pass. That stays. And I know eventualy nothing will last. But for a glimpse that is life? maybe?

Maybe now
Maybe now
but how about tomorrow.

Yesterday I’m in an unknow appartment of someone I don’t know because someone I might now, if we would share the language, is staying there and we are there waiting for the train.
And we talk, with you.
and I go off into another room and play this song out of the guitar with same chords as always, with a slightly different melody and tell how things are, but you’re not there, some one else is.
And after I cry, because music can open some pathways I otherwise can’t. and it’s not just the music but the words as well. And afterwards I hope, I think, I should have recorded it, just because the lyrics. Because I think I can recall the chords and melody, but lyrics, no, I don’t think so. But I can always make new ones.

And you ask me questions, I though it was my job.
And I give you answers, which never was your job.
And I notice being, have been being, unclear yet again.

And I need to call you, just to see have I been unclear to you too.
I have not.
Oh how I love being able to communicate with words, to be understood, to be clear about my unclarity.

Again and again. Commitment, intension.
It’s not that I think, that I would think, that for sure it will work. It’s true, we never know. But I know that if the idea(l) is somehow similar, the understandment, it will have bigger posibilities. Why? because we’re on the same page, maybe not in same sentence but in same page. Not in totally different books.

When I write this, I ask to whom am I writing.
Valeria told me that, to myself. Vale, you were right I think, now. I always hoped that I would write this to someone who is interested, but maybe not. Maybe I am writing this to myself. Why do I make it public? Because then it’s real?
All of this is real, written or not.

I try to let go, of the words, of you, and my mind is going away and my heart is coming near. And another you is way too far.
Don’t think about replacing because nothing can ever replace.
Placement, where do I place myself.

I shed you like a skin, from my skin?
My skin heals, slowly, but it is healing. But I’m afraid that deep inside there’s still something which would mean another set of antibiotics. Not too happy about that. I’ll see tomorrow. How am I? My nose is blocked.

And when I was leaving the festival. I say goodbye to Masha. I love you, I love you too. I wish everything could be so honest and so simple.

I am not enough.
And when will I be?

3 tales

Festival.
I feel I’m returning to old.
I think I was more open to the people in ibiza.
In meganom I closed down, kept myself to myself, partly because of the pain.
Partly because of something else, but not because of the people.

And in here? I’m still in slight pain, not much.
But I can’t dance so much and I basically refuse to dance with people I don’t know just because I don’t want more pain. And dancing is my main way to share and be open.

I think I’m bit off, outside, of the festival, but it seems to e going well. And people are super just like I said, so it’s not only the teachers group.

Today was underscore, in two spaces and outside between. Rather nice experience.
I even danced a bit.

But I’m jumping ahead.. or to the present so let’s tell tales from history.

After teachers meeting we had a performance, which was ok. After performance we go to the roof with Natasha and Sveta and Natash see my sores. She thinks it is good to cut the leg open so next day Sveta spends going to the otherside of moscow to get scalpel. On the evening we are here at the festival site (buddhist center) and Natasha cut my leg, It hurts surprisingly lot. Some anesthesia on the skin helps a bit. After it’s done something releases, maybe tension, maybe something else. They bandage me up. I lay on bed for a while. Then I go to the jam and dance with my doctor about twenty minutes. Shower and change of badages.

So all and all it’s going nicely. I’m in same doze as I was in Meganom. I sleepwakedream most of the time, but now I move more, and now I have internet and skype calls.

It’s late so I finish.

Festival is soon over, time passes, Like we do.

Please do tell me

In moscow,
Sweating,
Hot like… hell?

From ibiza I went to Kiev, there I noticed something in my head, scalp, then on my arm… and then pimple in my thigh I tried to squeeze.. Didn’t work out.
Left to crimea, Meganom.
No running water, no electricity, no toilets no showers.
But a spring near by, endless hot sun, hole in the ground, black sea.
But my sking go worse.
Three.. boils, infected, inflamed. Pushing out puss, blood, swollen.
Thank (insert your preferable deity here) Natasha is (was) a doctor. And Katja is visiting city, and you can get antibiotics without recipe in Ukraine (and in russia as well)
Finally antibiotics. 5 days behind, 6th just started. 7th is the last one.

And over there, I tried to go inside, to see what is it that I can’t push out so my skin needs to do it. And I don’t know. I know that everytime I talk anything serious with that ukrainian sweety I get mad. And I know that I have a pattern to long somewhere or someone else who is somewhere else. And I have some one to long for? And I don’t know do I long for because her or because it’s my pattern?

Dozing days in meganom, trying somehow, to dream to think to vision my way out of the pain, the burn. Waking up at nights sleeping at days. waveform, dream wake dream wake and reality becomes a mix. And I can’t really dance because those two places are so sensitive. In the beginning yes, on the first day. after that only few dances, mainly with people I know. Lovely dance with Mirva, and lovely talks through out the time there.

And I get so annoyed Ruslan going on about buddhism and his lama ole and diamond way. And I remember the pattern from teens… In congregation, to go against. And the most meaningful people there were always the ones who acted, not talked. And Ruslan keeps talking, Lama ole, But I can’t see the actions, Except hedonism. And I can’t see “be your own guiding light” because all I hear is lama. Not what he thinks. And I think, he doesn’t think. Ethics are way too hard and delicate, when we share no common language.
And I am angry. somehow, and I can’t express it because I have no real reason.
It’s just not the way I would like to follow and I don’t. And I envy that it seems to be so easy. To come and go and be forgiven.
Most meaningful people there were those who acted, not talked. And I talk.

I wanted something pure, Someone pure, But how when I am not pure. There is no purity.

And then it’s over. And I get so annoyed leaving, because people don’t use common sense.
Why it’s necessary to do things stupidly. And only second reason to suffer is that I am not well.

25 hours in train with Lior. I think we both slept most of it. I finish the Unseen Academics which is delightful. It’s pratchett, don’t think he would reinvent himself now.

And Moscow. hot moscow, going to some new people (maybe) there’s so many masha’s. And Asya takes me there, and no Masha but his brother Misha who is becoming a doctor. And he looks at my thigh and tells me that if I go to doctor I’ll be at least seven days in hospital because they will cut it open, and run through test, and I think. No. He also says that he thinks it’s possible to handle like I’m oing now. So good. If this turns to worse I head back finland.
And then yesterday evening. Polina gives me reiki. After it, Sasha comes and tells the trouble. My host Masha didn’t tell her parents (who are also living in the flat) that she going to host 3 people there, because parents should be out of town. But for some reason her mother is back and angry. Polina tells she can take me. So I go get my stuff, and I estimate the times and distances wrong. End up running from metro to masha/misha’s place. Running is so nice, and I wonder how I have so much stamina after and still being sick, not doing anything for 8 days. But I have, I can run.

Then there’s the teachers meeting, and VOW. I said that this is going to be really good festival. and this really will be. The group of teacher this year is so nice bunch of people. I like, and It’s difficult to dance, but I do dance, because I want to dance. Pain is there, but the joy out of moving overrules it easily.

My thoughts going on circles, what if what if what if. And again I have skype calls.
And somewhere in my mind count the passing time. An I don’t want this. I want to be where I am. But I want this, because there is something, more than just a feeling, possibility to talk, share thoughts by words, and I love words and to play with them.
My thoughts are words.

And I have to think and thank of Anatoli, who translated my sharing in meganom and I think no one else of the translators would have done it as good as him, mindmapping, or mindfucking according to Mirva. Well anyone can fuck anyway, but some reason not all of the people are able to mindfuck. I enjoy both… except, I would rather make love, in both ways.

Today on the meeting I wrote three highest of these

I will be alright.

Please do tell me

Don’t quite know what to write and why to write it. To whom would be a good question as well.
I’m used to be quite able to verbalise my thinking and also my emotional states, but lately I feel that I cannot connect my emotional state, or emotions into verbal reality. All is unclear. And I try to rationalize it, the be rational, automaticly, but I now that it’s not the answer. So I’ll stay unclear, it will become clear, eventually, in a way or another. There’s a fair change that I don’t like the way, or the ending up, but it will become clear.

I’m grateful to those who are able to bear with my uncertainty and unclarity.
Often we are not clear anyway, even when we think we are. Maybe something is clear to ourselves, but we are not able to communicate it clearly to others. Maybe.

I was visited, I am happy for that. I enjoy so much to have some one to talk with.

Now I’m not clear, and I start to wonder when I was, really, It seems like a long time.
And yet, it’s always related to situations or aspects. Everything is not unclear. I know I want to dance. I know that it’s going forward. The CI dances I’ve had with last year… Vow.

Yesterday I went to night market, to see Barbi (who wasn’t there) and Vicky (Who was there) since I’m going tomorrow evening. And I met Chris too. And then I met Juan who told that he’s playing in half an hour, inside, in a band with two women. He invited me to see, and I went. Now, the leading woman was superb singer, and damn good guitar player as well, and songs were good as well, but what really took my attension was the bassist who was super cool. Women playing bass, but not just that, she was just so cool. I fell in love.
But love is not the feeling. just this…Ah…
I hope the band (and specially Juan) all the best.

So I am leaving tomorrow. I’m getting tired of being so poor that I’ll always travel with bad connection. tomorrow at 23 to gatwick, from there bus to heathrow (6hours between flights) and then to kiev… and then I try to figgure out my way from moscow to romania with trains. Luckily I have friends who will help. And then from cluj to bucharest to get to finland… and that will be in 5 weeks.. jeij.

So wait, do I want to get back home? Home as in finland? I think not, and yet, I do. All the albums and my guitar and the slight sense of rest except there’s not much of it, either.

Got my flight back to ibiza, that was nice. And I don’t have flights away yet because I don’t know where I am going… which reminds me to write a couple of emails.

The way is dim, but somehow I’ll find it.

Please do tell me

OK, I dislike the title straight away but I can’t think better right now so never mind.

When I was in Kiev festival, on one night, in a jam. I said no, to two pesons, and not because of the person but because of the timing. It felt really difficult. I though that I need to get them to dance with me on the next night or later on the same night, just to show it’s not about them, but about timing or something else. And then… why? why would I feel guilty or try to “make up” something when there’s absolutely nothing to make up.

And now I’m in situation where I have limited amount of time, and I’m asked to do a short performance for a good thing. But eventhough the performance is 15 min I know it will take from the precious day about 5 hours… anyway. And I dont want to. So I said no, then I was begged, because they really need men. And I though about it. and said no again, but I really feel… not easy with it. What if I’m never asked again? what if… what if… But I’m here only one week more. I’m sure if I would be here still for a month I would go, just incase it would bring more work. But now, I can be bit easier on that pressure.

It’s really hard for me to do clear decisions, to close doors and possibilities. Even when it’s needed, even when I know, pretty much, what I want.

No more syllabes to hide on….
Madder Mortem

something else.
Sydän Sydän. swearword. Jari told me about them such a long time ago but i never got into it. and then because of Tuomas Skopa’s (who is the leadsinger of sydän sydän) solo that really hit me I listened their albums bit better, (like listened), and my my “auto” is mainly great, super, awesome. And Tuomas Skopa is amazing singer… for crying out loud. how it took me so long to find this album? but this is how it always goes, and it’s not bad because I found it now and have joyed immensly singin wierd lyrics and great melodies in finnish…

One more week in this land. Then a shift a change. Festival after festival and lot of trains.
Life..

Please do tell me

Quite a while ago already I was in the monte, or valley or midhouse, how ever you want to call it.
Everyone was going but I woke up too late and stayed. Not knowing will I get out or not.
I sat a bit, and started to sing… sang for a while and realised that I should get it up, somewhere. Phone is the obvious answer for quick recording needs.

I recorded the bit. And it came to me that I recorded something also in Florianopolis.
I was walking on the beach and I found something that reminded me of sharks egg, that I long time ago saw in some nature documentary. and I started to sing. Sang for a long while walking. Finally sat down and recorded it, with phone of course.

And now sitting up in the monte I listened to it. And it stuck and I sang it for the rest of the day.
Late in the evening, before getting dark some words came to me that I wanted to write down. So I wrote down some lines that I remembered from earlier improvising and then I dug out my computer and recorded it with internal mic.
Just when I was finishing sebastian came back home, you can hear him moving.
I was going to record the second voice but sadly I had forgotten my headphones. so it took a while before I got them back. and then it took a while until I actualy recorded the second voice. And if you really listen voice you can hear that on the lead voice, I have sang the whole day underneath. and on the second one I only sang like half and hour.

Of course, later on I listened the orginal, brasilian one, and noticed that it has something that this version doesn’t. But maybe, I’ll record it again sometime, somewhere. coming back again. This is what it is now.

Little unborn, little stillborn thing
too bad it was over, before the beginning

Little unborn child of mine
if you come into this world I will love you with all my might

Please do tell me

I knew it when you told me in BSAS that it’s the end. That’s why I forced you to say that you leave me, because that’s what you did. And I knew that I forced. And most of the trip down south I was hoping that you would argue that I wouldn’t be right, but you didn’t. And I knew I was right. Why then, when being back home, after SOS I still tried so hard to find a way or a change to hold on?
Drama, I had to play through the last act. Even though I knew that the script was written and it will follow it’s course. Script also wrote my hopes and my desperation. Why did I need to do it, play along? Is it, would it be possible just to skip it, when I know. And at the same time, emotions need to takes their course and time. And at the same time, I do believe that I can diminish or amplify my emotions. And diminishing doesn’t mean repressing or supressing but diminishing. Not give the value. or extra value.

That’s is the point in feelings. because we value things that are ot there so often, we value falling in love, we value hate? But the most important is the everyday, all of this what I feel here, sitting in fromt of computer, outside of a cafe, wind getting colder. Thinking of people who are far away, getting ready to pick up Ilona from the airport.
And I don’t feel much. And I feel much.

Again CI comes to help as an allegory. I think I wrote about it earlier. Dances have become good because it’s all as important. the little shift of weight on my foot is as important as going up to Monika’s shoulder, and they do not exist without each others, and they are as valuable. There’s is no difference, no “more good” or “less good”
Beyond Good and Evil

So what do I value.
Respect commitment openness. And what is true respect, commitment, openness?

This is a great place to test myself. So what I want to test
I know what I want.
Do you want me to dance in your piece? please tell me, if so.

I think I wrote what I wanted. Now.

“Don’t fear, my fire, is enough for the both of us”

Please do tell me

Picture is from moscow actually.
Me still ibiza, having a clear though what to write about over here but not having time to do it when online. Right now I’m living on a beautiful mountain for couple of days (well more like a midway of a big hill, beautiful nevertheless) without electricity.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll go next.

Not much work but I hope people come running to my CI course “Light Falls” Title, taken from here.

After pondering long long time I eventualy went to flow, because all the people from the island who I know were there anywya. And the food was good. I didn’t really attend to workshop having more workshops of my own. MEt som really really lovely people. Well I’m sure that all of the people have their lovely aspects but I just can’t meet all of them. Had my greatest time over there, dancing, I enjoy so much contact Improvisation. It seems amazing, I feel that when I walk nowdays on the path up to the hill, my cordination is not so good, or my sense of balance, I feel unagile. But when I get to dance, I feel I’m doing stuff more preciseness I’ve ever done and dances are amazing… Really great great moment. It was nice to have Finnish crew here, and to still have them here. Language is important evetually.

Not going so deep with this post but what can I do.

Sebastian is orderin a tiipii and I would like to have one too. It would be great in my mothers summer cottage.

I need to do more.
That’s all.

Waiting for a message from someone, bit too eagerly, I think.

Goodnight and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

Again, long time.

Kiev was a blast. A lot of dancing, nice classes and it was good to teach.
Now in ibiza, and no work yet.
Maybe I’m not doing enough for it?
I should, but I’m bit shy somehow, to go to places with my non exitent español and ask for a job. I don’t know why. Well something small is in the future, but I need more. Just so that I can get back here for Etic after ECITE.

Last night I slept in a tree with my hammock, Up in a tree. And yesterday I was looking a piece of land with super trees. Maybe I’ll go over there since the house/room situation in here is slightly bit complex and I’m not here for so long after all.

Something physical coming my way?
I was running yesterday. For about half an hour almost continuously. I was surprised as hell.
Even with the broken fivefingers (shoe) because a little dog named Mia ate part of it. But today I should get it (the shoe) fixed.

Today I’ll attend (very soon) to Monika’s contemporary class and that should be fun as well.
So life is, going, moving, life is.
Not so sure about anything, but no need to be. Everything was, is and will be ok.
It’s ok.

If you wonder about the title of the post, check the ganji. I often forget this.

I have a feeling I had something important to write and not just this blaa blaa, but maybe I didn’t.

Shining.

Please do tell me

Lately.
I’ve been feeling that I have a lot to do, (before I go) but I just can’t figure out what it is.
I’ve been trying, yeah trying to make the songs ready, but yet again I have failed.
I’ve been singing and playing guitar though, but when something is ready, uh.
I’ve been absent minded, feeling not able to concentrate much of anything.
I’ve been feeling that I’ve forgotten something important (like get new visa for russia to get to moscow festival, but yes I did remember, justa bit too late)
I’ve been consciously trying to avoid of being stressed and yes, I’m not stressed.
I’ve been consciously deciding not to worry. I can worry then when I’m there where I need to worry. Now I don’t need to worry because everything is ok.
I’ve been thinking and searching for the new bag/backbag and being totally lost with them, some of them being nice, but none of them being exactly what I need/want.
Realizing that one really annoying thing about travelling is that I’m too lazy to carry my guitar (and it’s electric anyway) with me all the time. I’ll miss playing and to get better at playing I need to play.
I’v been listening to a lot of music.

Ok so one evening not long ago I started play this riff and then I played it about hour or two. then I made “b” section… then I was so fond of it that I recorded it.
Then I did the drum track…
Then I did plimplom guitar (so typical of me) on top of the riff.
Then I tried to sing something on it.
Then I went to sleep.
In the morning I tried to sing again, got something.
Later on It presented itself as ready.
Got and idea using two vocals (like always) and needed to make lyrics.
Made the lyrics, sang it quite a few times.
Made bass.
Mixed it.
Well, I could say that it’s ready but my singing always has somepoint that hurts my ears.
so…
I’ll put it here anyway, in the end of the post.

What else should write.
Well it’s somewhat funny that if you want a silk sleepingbag/liner, you can get those cocoons and whatnot from sportshops and they cost like 80€ OR THEN you can go to “LIKE” shop and get one that is made in vietnam by single mother who made a co-op (soundly sleeping dragon) and started to do things. (ah pages only in finnish… no idea) And the funny thing is that this one costs 35€. So if I have understood right this one is fairtrade and the women actually get real profit out of it, and still it’s only 35€. I can’t but wonder who and where are cocoons and whatnot made and who is making the profit from there.

FInding a good bag is a drag… and then even if you find suitabel, almost, it’s probably black, oh so boring.

I need to get sleepingbag as well, the silk one isn’t quite enough by it self.

Need need need.

long time ago I got quite a few albums from UTECH, and I still, probably haven’t gone through them all, but I listened to Knell “last ten meters” and it’s bloody brilliant. Also Suzuku Junzo’s “pieces for the hidden circles” is very nice. I’m sure there’s other nice stuff as well.

Got couple of things from Nadja, Nadja/Ovo split is not my piece of cake. But then UnderJaguarSun vinyl really is. I’m slightly annoyed with Beta-lactam ring rec, because they still didn’t sned me under jaguar sun cd. I don’t know they had some emergency on the family and that’s how it is with small labels, people are doing it for the love and there’s not many of them, so they just cannot hire more people to do the work, and when something comes up that takes their full attention the work maybe suffers. Nevertheless, I am annoyed specially since someone over there promised to send me the cd LONG time ago.

Oh, and I listened Final’s Afar pleasently surprised.

Soon I go to dancing..

O - Much Of Things

Please do tell me

Back in Helsinki.

Before I went to Ryazan I got a message where she said that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Well at least it’s clear.

Went to ryazan, I didn’t know anyone from there, feeling slightly sad. And I wondered, I don’t want this. I don’t want to travel from people to people who I don’t know, by myself, alone. not having even a base of anykind. So how will I change this? I know not, yet.
And it’s not that I’m alone there. Alma offered me great dinner and super company, Masha and her family was super as well… it’s just this… well.. something stable. I though that it would be so nice to travel and teach with somebody, although probably in a few weeks we would (who ever it would be) get into each others nervers a lot. I know not.

At the same time, I feel that the teaching in ryazan didn’t go so well… But in Moscow and in St.Peter I enjoyed a lot. Of course I am not sure that the people in WS enjoyed but I think most of them did. And even in Ryazan I saw some people really learning.

On my first “free” day in moscow, I played some guitar and did drums with garage band. I hope I get something of them done in these two weeks. I wanted to make 8cm cd’s again, but since I know not much of people really listen to cd’s anymore I’m thinking of making somekind of download system…

On tuesday… I went to see photobiannale thanks to Alma’s suggestion. Well before I went there I sat on a bench for an hour listening through William Basinski’s Vivian & Ondine and meditating with it. And my my my, Mister Basinski has again done something miraclous. Absolutely brilliant, brilliant and shining, and deep.

Anyway, after I went to see the photos, and I realised how some of the photographers have really travelled a lot in 40-60 when the travelling wasn’t as nearly as easy as now. And how much they’ve must taken pictures and how many of them have been mediocre or crap. Because even now, there was maybe 1 or 2 really really Great photos from each photographer and most of them were, just, good.

After Ryazan I travelled to moscow, where I met Leilani which was great. She’s super adorable and I’m sure they’re enjoying contact tango a lot in moscow. Then I continued to petroskoi, petrozavodsk, where I met Sami and then Alexander and Sasha and Anna in city’s media center where we performed with Sami and Alex and Sasha making music.
Performing is great. It’s super challenging, it’s difficult, but at the same time it’s great. And performance was pretty good I think. Quite open impro, some themes that we had talked about, that came out in the movement I feel. And of course some base in CI. Alex and Sasha were doing really nice structurized impro with music stuff they had. And the place was full. Of cours it wasn’t a big place, but in a place like Petrozavodsk, I was surprised to get so much audience (all the seat were taken ans some people standing) and people also liked it. Great. It was also really nice see and talk with Sami about art and life and whatnot.

On my ways I read Ursula Le guin’s Birthday of the World. I recommend to everyone. Almost all of those stories are super. If you’re not into scifi, don’t worry they’re really not scifi. She’s writing about humans, about us and what we are. The last story Paradises Lost is amazing… in short place such a meaningful questions. Throw away of garbage, what does it mean. Where is away? This is something that we don’t really get. I don’t get. We live in the world where is easier to “throw away” (almost) any broken machine and get a new one than to fix it. But what is away? Away from my sight is not away. all of that material, all of that plastic metals what not stay here, in form or another. There is NO away, everything I throw I throw here, on this earth, on me.
If you haven’t heard from Ursula Le Guin, or if you haven’t read any of her books, do yourself a favour and start reading one. I can give more exact recommendations if needed.

“Rose said quote it’s time to make a mess
time will be soon in time I guess
she’s painting on my back
a beautiful flower pot
and she treats me like her local god
rose said quote it’s time to make a mess
this one’s yours and yours is selfobsessed
She’s painting on my back a green tom, the beefheart one
And she cuddles and she coos and she cuts the bullshit I confessed
She said:”Don’t look my way
What can I possibly say
I’ve never seen you before today
I’m just the one that makes you think of the one
that makes you feel you’re the one”
But thank you for the roses, for the roses…”
-dEUS

Another recommendation.

Please do tell me

I was doing a lab in St Peter about CI and violence.
Thank you all who were there and who organized.
Now I’ve been in moscow already for quite some days.

When do I feel agression or violent? When I’m not heard, when I’m not taken account, when I’m not appreciated.
I do exist. Hear me.
And when I’m not heard, I get frustrated and frustration brings violence.
Because I try to communicate, I try to communicate with you, why you don’t hear me? why you don’t see me? Why you see me only as something as you want to see but you don’t really see me?
Violence.

Other reason of violence is to have power, maybe even more common one.
But over what? Why? And again it’s about me. I define myself of the one with capability to do this, so I must be worth of something because I have the power to do this. But doing all of this, does it make me feel good? Or I resort to violence because I don’t want to hear what you have to say what you want to communicate?
Is non-communication violence?

And I was thinking about how this connects with dance.
How do I react on a hit. Will I shut and close down or will I stay open ready to react some other way.
And it might give me a hint how do I react in life. Will I shut down or will I try to find another solution. And when I meet violence that is not towards me, will I shut down, close down and protect my life. But why my life would be any different from any other life? So why then should I shut down? Can I stay open, ready to communicate even if the next step in communication would be a kick to my center?

I don’t know. I lost with all of this because I don’t have to meet it in real life.
I go down to the metro, I see the people, I know that just week ago here was two explosions and still we are here, because we don’t really have any good options. We can’t shut down our lives, and even if we could we don’t want to. So we go down to the metro. And we don’t really know what and who is behind these bombs, I don’t know what are the political/ideological connection and reason and who really is behind of them. And neither does my local friend. Violence breeds fear, fear breeds violence and closeness. And people will resort to anyone who says s/he will save them. Down to the metro we go.
After all, personally i feel that I have as much chances to get run over by a car over here.

So the workshop is over, here in moscow. I hope people learned something and I saw some of them learning. I’ll stay here two more days doing… nothing much. Let’s see.
Then off to teach more.

I’ve noticed that I like teaching. I like talking, I like words and I like dance, and I like when I see that people think, and that thinking is not happening in soem mystical “mind” but it’s happening in them, whole of them. I’m not even half of the time sure that I’m good at teaching, but nevertheless, I like it.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

I wake up in the morning of sms. Sami suggesting that we meet somewhere else than I suggested. Soon after another one, my mother asking if I am alright, and asking to send her a message. I’m alright, what has happened?
Two bombs in moscow metro, on a rush hour. But I’m not in moscow, yet.
Over 30 killed, I guess.
And you never know when you die.

Sami hasn’t heard either, an we talk, and say that if you look at the politics and where this country is heading, seem unlikely that this would be the last time. Unfortunately.

So what are we. So desperate that there’s only desperate actions?
Believing something greater, a nation, a language, a though, a god?
There’s nothing greater or more holy as life, and everything is living, so everything is holy, and nothing is.
Because definitions work only if they… define. And everything doesn’t really define, and nothing doesn’t really define. So what am I to write these words.

Today I said a sentence that I hoped I would remember, but I don’t.
Something about reality.
there’s no other reality than yours, subjective reality, created by your perception.
If you refine your perception, you refine your reality.
If you alter your perception, you alter your reality.
Your perception will fail you, but who is telling you that its not real. Who is telling it failed?
It’s just that other people perceive something different, or they define their experience somehow differently.
Normal is what we think that majority perceives.
It doesn’t mean that they/we actually perceive it. (we just think we should)
It doesn’t mean that it’s anymore true.
Relative. totally.

So in what reality those 30 and more people are killed?
In my because I know about it. In my mothers because she knows about it.
And in so many others, because they know, and feel.
Energy doesn’t dissappear but the form does, and I know that the form is emptiness.
Were they empty? Am I empty?
Who and what justifies such a great waste.
Who are you to waste even a drop of water in here?
Who are you to waste even a drop of love in here?
Who are you to waste even…?
And we waste because we feel wasted.
Not in power.
Not able to effect, except by waste.
Not listened, not heard.
Me me me. I say this, I do this, I’m not waste, I’m not wasted,
and maybe your hear me when I waste all of this.

I was talking about ego with Sveta.
And understood how often we talk ego as the bad, the want, the desire, the attachment, the envy, the vanity.
And how often we, thus, separate the ego from our “true” self. But there is no truer self. Ego is part of it. Ego is me, but me is not only ego. Part of me. So do not separate.
I saw it as a process of excluding the evil, the qualities that we don’t like. Devil made me do it.
But it’s all me.
All of this is me.
Even this reality and perception, with the knowledge of 30 or more dead.
And only reason it touches me is that I have friends there, and I’m going there in two days.
Do I want to die? No
Do I want to live? Yes.
Why? Because life wants to live, it is the meaning of it.
Am I wasting my life?
Uh, now that is a hard one.
So what is a waste?

We think because we know, we will die.
And yet, who is it who dies.
Never born never dying never dead.

Yesterday was the last class of the workshop here.
I liked the workshop, but today I’m being critical.
I talked too much, and, I think people didn’t get the mainpoint yet.
Or maybe the embodiment takes time. I certainly hope so.

Got a mail from Petri where he’s talking about contact improvisation. And how it should not be “just” a dance form.
If you don’t define a words meaning, it won’t have it.
If red doesn’t mean red, it can mean red green yellow gold black purple, and all the colors, why would we say red. So I wonder why he wants to use word contact improvisation. What ever he’s looking for.

And I think of death and dying.
And how I don’t understand it.
Like I don’t understand of nothing, or infinity.
And yet, somehow I do.

God won’t let things happen, we do.
how can I ever communicate, anything to you.
And I know I can, sometimes.
Can you hear me? Can you see me?
I will try my best to see you, to hear you, to feel.
And when not being able to, being clear of not being able.

Nevertheless, Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

I don’t get much done.
I could blame the heartache but I know myself better.
It’s not about that.

So I played, finally, with garage band and Pod X3 and guitar.
But vocals still… uh, hard. And you know what, all the time with the tracker stuff has sounded too… bassy, stuck, not clear… and now, my vocals sound the same. I start to think that I should try other mic. maybe it’s my AKG C1000S? I have no idea, if you do, give me a hint.

Ok,I started to sing this song about… well, I think about 1 and a half year ago in moscow festival. About a year ago I wrote the lyrics.

About 9 months ago I tried to sing it but no could do.
No I did it.
Super simple.
4 vocal tracks, + 2 added in the end.
I kind of like it, but singing is more fun than listening..
Somehow this is those CI songs to me, maybe I made it while dancing, maybe not. I’m not sure anymore. In moscow anyway.

The lyrics might make sense, might not… but it’s pretty clear so make up your ow mind.
I have aproblem, there is a finnish black metal group (or at least was) called O… so I don’t know what name to use… Go figure.

O (A) - Collarbones

Please do tell me

So I received a message that maybe we could meet in skype. I was happy.
We met, you were at your brothers and was lost of words. You often are, but you wrote that you love me.
You suggested that we meet next day at skype. I asked do You really want, and you said yes.
At 9 is 14 over here. at 14:45 you are there. line not really working so well… we try to talk. You can not promise anything, you feel love but not heartache anymore. You don’t know what you feel because you can’t see me. It was you who decided to stay there, far away from me. We had bought the tickets together, to return europe. It was you who wanted the distance. WHy to make yourself unclear about your feelings?
Every once and a while you vanish… When I ask about this you tell that you have to answer the phone, because some flat is being sold by your mother and that you will get comission if you sell it.
Ok.
And once again you go, at elast saying that you’ll be back when the phone call is over. about 20 minutes pass and then I call to your landline. It’s free but you’re not on the skype either. No one answers. I call about five times to the landline until you answer (so much about the importance of comission) You tell me that Jimena is there from brasil and you will come back to skype when you’ve finished talking. And I wait. about 50 minutes from when you left you come back. I ask what do you want to say, you tell that you need to go. I waited for 50 minutes for you, to hear that you have to go. Is this how you treat the people you love? Is this how to treat person you say you love? With such a indifference about his feelings, about my feelings.

Is this how you would treat the person you love?

I’m hurt.

And I ask myself how can you? How can you treat me like this, after all that you’ve said.
But you’re your fathers daughter and full of blaa blaa blaa? is that it?
I wish I could be as indifferent as you.
But I can’t.
I wish I wouldn’t want to call you, to hear you voice to hear that you love me.
But I do.
I love you.
But it’s not enough, for us, because you don’t feel the same.

And I will never get an answer.
And I need to live with it.
Live with this.
And it’s not so much, and it’s not so bad.
It could be worse.

Why do I love someone who treats me like this?
Why do I wait?
Why do I still hope?

It was over, long time ago.

So how can I trust?
And to what?

I’m hurt.
Why do we hurt each others so?
I would be hurt if you said, No.
you don’t want to be with me.
But I’m more hurt that you lie, that you tell me you love me, that you tell me you miss me and then treat me like this. Like nothing, not important.

Ability to commit.
I get more and more amazed when I meet people. I always though that my ability to commit wasn’t too big. But it is. I know I can commit, and I know when I cannot. Often. It’s not flawless of course, my knowing.
So what is to commit. Is it a rigid form that doesn’t allow life and spontaniety? For me, of course not. It’s an intension. I intend to walk on this path, and some times I’ll fail. (haven’t found my path yet though). My feelings, my desires and my wants are conflicting, changing, moving. Like we are. My intension helps me to see among them what I want to choose. My commitment helps in my life. Only question that might arise is why? why am I committed to this or that? Why am I committed to organice ECITE? Why am I committed to this person.
And if there’s no reason, then I can question my commitment more. And I can leave it, change it.
But I’ve realised that I want a relationship with commitment. That it’s not always about feelings shifting here and there. That it’s not about oh, how do I feel with 6 months not seeing each other or how do I feel with 6 years living together. We will feel good and we will feel bad, but if we are able to communicate about it there’s a change. And if there’s an intension of good. I know I will hurt, but it’s not my intension, I know that she will hurt (who ever she will be) but it’s not her intension. That there’s a love and trust, to each others and to ourselves.

Now I just need to find the person who feel and thinks the same, and that we feel the same towards each others.
Not much luck, yet.

Maybe it sound romantic and naive. So I am romantic and naive then.
I want to share my life. Whatever it is.
This is what I want.
This is what I ask.

Please do tell me

Quick another post.
In Bide in the lab of Susan. We were doing improvisation. I went and put the cd in, released by ECM, because ECM is ECM. It didn’t let me down.
What came out was this.
And I started to sing along…
Powerfull. Powerfull.
What they sing I have no idea, what I sing I have no idea.
And yet. I know.
Beautiful work.

Something like Monks leaping song…

I wonder is it just one or more….singer.

Beautiful.
The power feels in the stomach coming up to the chest.
This is something that I want…
To be part, not apart.

Listen yourself.

Stephan Micus - Desert Poems - The Horses of Nizami

Please do tell me

What should I write.
That I liked BIDE. I met some lovely people and deepened the relationship between someones I already know. What is deep, after all.

Waking up in the middle of the night to leave for airport is such a fun. That’s why I didn’t go to sleep. My phone’s GPS has become super useful. otherwise I think I would have not found Barbara’s place on monday, or Alessia’s today. But I found.
Both have lovely house, or flats, btw.

In rome there was not much people on the classes. CI is not so big there right now, but maybe it will change again. In naples I’m not sure yet.
Got a lecture how I should have not gone to rome on my own.
Wondered how people in russia seem to be so co-operative.
That’s how things go.

A lot of more talk about relationships.
Everywhere. I like it, talking.

She writes me every once in a while. I write to her more often. But I’m the verbal one.
And in comparison…. well how can you compare feelings anyway. Is my joy greater than yours? Sorrow deeper, love more lasting?

Something deeply annoying today. My sennheizers broke… right headphone giving really weak and low volume…. ****

Got the title for this post from here
my sense of smell isn’t so good… apparently… but maybe I can practise it

Reading Ursula Le Guin again… A Compass Rose. All of the stories that I really fall into are actually telling about love, commitment… maybe not in relationship level but some bigger lever, like right, wrong, morals. Diary of the Rose was so beatiful that I almost cried again… but then again I was in a train… planes, trains, travelling and such beautiful stories, only thing that was missing was music, thanks to broken sennheisers.

I wish I had great realizations to share but I don’t.
I feel rather good.
I decided to go to ibiza in may and be there till july. let’s see.
She often writes let’s see… people do, let’s see.

After the festival I felt empty like I wrote. But I feel empty because I am not empty, because I hold attachments, hopes, dreams and that’s why what I call feeling empty is not feeling empty. If I am truly empty. No feel.

Today, in a jam I saw really nice tattoo of three eights of three signs of infinity. I ment to take photo of it, but forgot when leaving… it was nice…

Not born, not dead, infinite, always, everywhere.

Please do tell me

I didn’t believe, I couldn’t believe, I never though I would miss her so much.
After coming here, the festival straight on, lovely people lovely friends, things to do.. and somewhere there, underneath.
And then when the people are gone it reveals.

I know so many bad sides, things that I don’t like, or I have difficulties with.
And still I miss her, long for her, love her.
Feelings rarely go along with rationality. Too bad really.

You know how heartache is an actual feeling. in the heart, in the chest.

And she doesn’t write much and she doesn’t connect but when she does she says she loves me too.
Trust.
Should I find it?
But things change, like she said. So only thing that I can trust is that things change.

Yesterday we were talking about relatioships in a bar witha few friends.
And at one point about the trust…
That there would be trust that there is something so strong and deep that it survives.
That there would be open communication. We don’t feel good all times. We might hate each others, but instead of always starting to think should we brake up, or does the other one want to brake up, there would be trust. Trust in love. And if there is love, I can be weak and vurnerable as well as strong… I don’t need to cover myself or hide. If I trust.
I don’t know how can I find it, with some one. or is there anyone with whom it would be possible. But I notice that I wish I would.
But this trust can only come from being yourself, both being their selves and open, communicating. What is it that I am today.

Before all of this, life was empty. and I realised that all of the other lives are as empty.. and because they’re empty they’re also full and beautiful. But I was very sad. I also realised that there is no happy endings. I though I knew it all the time, but I really hevan’t realised it until now. There is no happy endings… until you die, maybe. You know why? because it doesn’t end… and happiness is a relative state, and it will change. There is no happy endings, but there is happiness.

In my wake dream i receive an email where she tells me that she’s coming in two weeks.

I am attached…. I long for. I need to take refuge from buddha.

During the festival and after it I was reminded how many dear friends I have, and how much I love them, and how important they are for me. It might be that we don’t see often, or even talk often, but they’re there, here. I am here, if needed.

I’m thinking of going to ibiza again… for the summer, or beginning part of it.
Give me a job from there ok. from 10th of may till 14th of july. ok? with a big pay.

Lot of music, don’t tell more, except I really like Alva Noto’s Xerrox 2 and Grisha Lichtenberger’s Treibgut.

So long now

Please do tell me

I’m some place that I call home.
I’m slightly confused.

It was lovely to go straight to jam and have a dances.

I was supposed to do serious office business (me being unemployed) today but I did nothing. Not a big surprise, I’ll do tomorrow then (ups, clock being 1:23 again-> today).

I’m slightly dissapointed eventhough I know that I shouldn’t.
I’m dissapointed of being dissapointed.

When we parted on saturday I told her that on sunday I’ll write her mail, and I’ll open up skype. From her tears I though that she would too. OF course she doesn’t. I’m not there anymore, so I’m totally invisible now. I was feeling such a tonto sitting in front of skype. But I knew this, I shouldn’t be dissapointed.

It’s nice to figure out what I am actually crying for. Lot of hte stuff is not because of the actual relatioship but the loss of hopes and dreams what it could have been. But it wasn’t, those hopesand dreams were proved futile already before. And actually now there’s again change for soem of those dreams to come true.
But hopes and dreams are always outside, and as long as I keep on looking things outside I’ll never be happy (bloody buddhist) everything is here, right now.

But still, I am dissapointed.

My father was right about the music. Today only getting cd into the machine and listening to vinyl.

Maybe tomorrow I play some guitar. Today I didn’t.

Let go of it,
let go.
I tell myself.

Katri brought me a loads of ganesha stickers. I’ve been pasting them a bit.
After all, abundance is all around me (and us)

Jussi paid a visit. I still have problem of concentration, doing too many things at the same time, but we had a nice coherent discussion about relationships even I was going back and forth from room to another.

Life is easy, but easy life isn’t.
You live and then you live somemore.

I painted my toenails again.

I better go sleep while I can.

Please do tell me

So I’m leaving.
She decided to stay.
I was surprisingly dissapointed, (about two weeks ago when it finally came clear) But it didn’t come as a surprise.

My last week in buenos aires was, well. I had a workshop and I was thinking that come on, at least ten people, no, six…. I was trying to sell my bike, and that too didn’t seem to workout that well.
I was thinking that ok, maybe I’ll never return, before I was still thinking that I might come here and try to teach a bit but the WS was such a dissapointment.

How ever things turned. Gabo called and asked for the bike, and he is organizing a lot of workshop, and he was also saying that with that publicity, at this time of the year (holidays) 6 is ok. I went to give sell him the bike and then we ended up talking for an hour, even though I was in a slight hurry, about dance and CI and workshops and art. And we already talked about 3 weeks super workshop but to do it maybe in europe…
Maybe it’s just blaa blaa blaa, but maybe it will happen, who know. Anyway I felt a bit better about the city and possibilites also in here.

However, thinking of the relationship, I think that it’s over. It wasn’t super easy, and maybe we are just a bit too different. You can never say never, but I don’t think we will be together again… But I was sad, then, two weeks ago, so now… well I’m still sad, but not so much.

I’m worried about the weight of my bag… luckily I can alwasys throw away about 2kilos of mate, but I wouldn’t like to.
I have no pesos anymore… so I don’t know.

I saw a dream where plane landed with smoke coming out of the motors almost straight away it got off ground. A bit later, Adolfo called and told that his car has broken down and he can’t take me to the airport. Remis? maybe.

Before all of this we were 10 days in the south, el bolson. Super super beautiful. I could almost live there, well I think I could live there, but I would like to see the winter. We made a four day hinking trip up to cerros (not realy a mountain but quite big) and slept in refugios. First day up to 1300 to hielo azul, next day up just 100 more to natacion which is by the lake, That place is super beatifull. Snow melting up from the cerro to a waterfall and river, it flowing to the lake an then continuing into another river. Because the distance from hielo azul to natacion was only and hour we spend a beautiful day trying to find a way to the big rocks on the shore of the lake, and finally made it there… It’s so nice to be naked in the nature, but you have to find a place where there’s no people because this is not ibiza. Next day we came down about 700 meters to el cajon… I was really tired… coming down seems to be harder than going up, but also my fivefinger shoes had something to do with it. They’re great, if you walk on the terrain with no loose little rock… but the whole downhill was full of small rocks sand and dust, and when they get into the shoe…uh, not nice. All the time stopping and taking stuff out.
NExt day we spend by the RIo Azul, in a beautiful place, where river flows into about 4-5meter deep pool. and it’s so cold and it’s so blue and it’s so beatiful. And for the most of the mornign there was no one so I could swim naked and bask in the sun (although the sun is tricky here, I feel I burn more easily than in europe?) Afternoon more people started to come and the we started to make our way back to el bolson….
How ever we missed the last bus (at 20) so we stayd in the house next to a cmaping (we didn’t bring a tent to this trip).

On another day before all of this we visited lake empujen. Cold clear, pure blue water, and we didn’t go where other people went and found our own private rock beach. Super nice.
In these surrounding I could easily live my life, but I would like to figure out a good way to build a house, I think houses are too weakly build against cold over there too.

On our way back, in a bus, there were some amazing views. Really big blue river, and I could not see anything on the other side… just hills and open space… Vow…
I was thinking that I so much would like to come again witha motorcycle and with three months time and just ride through slowly, seing stopping swimming…

It’s clear to me that I like sea, but lake’s and rivers are the ones that I really want to be around…

How do I feel?
I stress about travelling.
I stress a bit about getting back.
I’m sad about being “alone” again.
I happy that I came and saw this through.
My father told me that there’s a lot of albums there to wait me.

I have no idea what my life will be.
But soon is SOS, and I’ll dance and teach and do.
And after… I will see then.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me