:Wavetales

I didn’t believe, I couldn’t believe, I never though I would miss her so much.
After coming here, the festival straight on, lovely people lovely friends, things to do.. and somewhere there, underneath.
And then when the people are gone it reveals.

I know so many bad sides, things that I don’t like, or I have difficulties with.
And still I miss her, long for her, love her.
Feelings rarely go along with rationality. Too bad really.

You know how heartache is an actual feeling. in the heart, in the chest.

And she doesn’t write much and she doesn’t connect but when she does she says she loves me too.
Trust.
Should I find it?
But things change, like she said. So only thing that I can trust is that things change.

Yesterday we were talking about relatioships in a bar witha few friends.
And at one point about the trust…
That there would be trust that there is something so strong and deep that it survives.
That there would be open communication. We don’t feel good all times. We might hate each others, but instead of always starting to think should we brake up, or does the other one want to brake up, there would be trust. Trust in love. And if there is love, I can be weak and vurnerable as well as strong… I don’t need to cover myself or hide. If I trust.
I don’t know how can I find it, with some one. or is there anyone with whom it would be possible. But I notice that I wish I would.
But this trust can only come from being yourself, both being their selves and open, communicating. What is it that I am today.

Before all of this, life was empty. and I realised that all of the other lives are as empty.. and because they’re empty they’re also full and beautiful. But I was very sad. I also realised that there is no happy endings. I though I knew it all the time, but I really hevan’t realised it until now. There is no happy endings… until you die, maybe. You know why? because it doesn’t end… and happiness is a relative state, and it will change. There is no happy endings, but there is happiness.

In my wake dream i receive an email where she tells me that she’s coming in two weeks.

I am attached…. I long for. I need to take refuge from buddha.

During the festival and after it I was reminded how many dear friends I have, and how much I love them, and how important they are for me. It might be that we don’t see often, or even talk often, but they’re there, here. I am here, if needed.

I’m thinking of going to ibiza again… for the summer, or beginning part of it.
Give me a job from there ok. from 10th of may till 14th of july. ok? with a big pay.

Lot of music, don’t tell more, except I really like Alva Noto’s Xerrox 2 and Grisha Lichtenberger’s Treibgut.

So long now

Please do tell me

I’m some place that I call home.
I’m slightly confused.

It was lovely to go straight to jam and have a dances.

I was supposed to do serious office business (me being unemployed) today but I did nothing. Not a big surprise, I’ll do tomorrow then (ups, clock being 1:23 again-> today).

I’m slightly dissapointed eventhough I know that I shouldn’t.
I’m dissapointed of being dissapointed.

When we parted on saturday I told her that on sunday I’ll write her mail, and I’ll open up skype. From her tears I though that she would too. OF course she doesn’t. I’m not there anymore, so I’m totally invisible now. I was feeling such a tonto sitting in front of skype. But I knew this, I shouldn’t be dissapointed.

It’s nice to figure out what I am actually crying for. Lot of hte stuff is not because of the actual relatioship but the loss of hopes and dreams what it could have been. But it wasn’t, those hopesand dreams were proved futile already before. And actually now there’s again change for soem of those dreams to come true.
But hopes and dreams are always outside, and as long as I keep on looking things outside I’ll never be happy (bloody buddhist) everything is here, right now.

But still, I am dissapointed.

My father was right about the music. Today only getting cd into the machine and listening to vinyl.

Maybe tomorrow I play some guitar. Today I didn’t.

Let go of it,
let go.
I tell myself.

Katri brought me a loads of ganesha stickers. I’ve been pasting them a bit.
After all, abundance is all around me (and us)

Jussi paid a visit. I still have problem of concentration, doing too many things at the same time, but we had a nice coherent discussion about relationships even I was going back and forth from room to another.

Life is easy, but easy life isn’t.
You live and then you live somemore.

I painted my toenails again.

I better go sleep while I can.

Please do tell me

So I’m leaving.
She decided to stay.
I was surprisingly dissapointed, (about two weeks ago when it finally came clear) But it didn’t come as a surprise.

My last week in buenos aires was, well. I had a workshop and I was thinking that come on, at least ten people, no, six…. I was trying to sell my bike, and that too didn’t seem to workout that well.
I was thinking that ok, maybe I’ll never return, before I was still thinking that I might come here and try to teach a bit but the WS was such a dissapointment.

How ever things turned. Gabo called and asked for the bike, and he is organizing a lot of workshop, and he was also saying that with that publicity, at this time of the year (holidays) 6 is ok. I went to give sell him the bike and then we ended up talking for an hour, even though I was in a slight hurry, about dance and CI and workshops and art. And we already talked about 3 weeks super workshop but to do it maybe in europe…
Maybe it’s just blaa blaa blaa, but maybe it will happen, who know. Anyway I felt a bit better about the city and possibilites also in here.

However, thinking of the relationship, I think that it’s over. It wasn’t super easy, and maybe we are just a bit too different. You can never say never, but I don’t think we will be together again… But I was sad, then, two weeks ago, so now… well I’m still sad, but not so much.

I’m worried about the weight of my bag… luckily I can alwasys throw away about 2kilos of mate, but I wouldn’t like to.
I have no pesos anymore… so I don’t know.

I saw a dream where plane landed with smoke coming out of the motors almost straight away it got off ground. A bit later, Adolfo called and told that his car has broken down and he can’t take me to the airport. Remis? maybe.

Before all of this we were 10 days in the south, el bolson. Super super beautiful. I could almost live there, well I think I could live there, but I would like to see the winter. We made a four day hinking trip up to cerros (not realy a mountain but quite big) and slept in refugios. First day up to 1300 to hielo azul, next day up just 100 more to natacion which is by the lake, That place is super beatifull. Snow melting up from the cerro to a waterfall and river, it flowing to the lake an then continuing into another river. Because the distance from hielo azul to natacion was only and hour we spend a beautiful day trying to find a way to the big rocks on the shore of the lake, and finally made it there… It’s so nice to be naked in the nature, but you have to find a place where there’s no people because this is not ibiza. Next day we came down about 700 meters to el cajon… I was really tired… coming down seems to be harder than going up, but also my fivefinger shoes had something to do with it. They’re great, if you walk on the terrain with no loose little rock… but the whole downhill was full of small rocks sand and dust, and when they get into the shoe…uh, not nice. All the time stopping and taking stuff out.
NExt day we spend by the RIo Azul, in a beautiful place, where river flows into about 4-5meter deep pool. and it’s so cold and it’s so blue and it’s so beatiful. And for the most of the mornign there was no one so I could swim naked and bask in the sun (although the sun is tricky here, I feel I burn more easily than in europe?) Afternoon more people started to come and the we started to make our way back to el bolson….
How ever we missed the last bus (at 20) so we stayd in the house next to a cmaping (we didn’t bring a tent to this trip).

On another day before all of this we visited lake empujen. Cold clear, pure blue water, and we didn’t go where other people went and found our own private rock beach. Super nice.
In these surrounding I could easily live my life, but I would like to figure out a good way to build a house, I think houses are too weakly build against cold over there too.

On our way back, in a bus, there were some amazing views. Really big blue river, and I could not see anything on the other side… just hills and open space… Vow…
I was thinking that I so much would like to come again witha motorcycle and with three months time and just ride through slowly, seing stopping swimming…

It’s clear to me that I like sea, but lake’s and rivers are the ones that I really want to be around…

How do I feel?
I stress about travelling.
I stress a bit about getting back.
I’m sad about being “alone” again.
I happy that I came and saw this through.
My father told me that there’s a lot of albums there to wait me.

I have no idea what my life will be.
But soon is SOS, and I’ll dance and teach and do.
And after… I will see then.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

A moment, a glimpse, a glance, a laugh, a touch.

What it is to be.
To share.
I miss my place, I don’t have a place and I seem to be unable to find it.
She tells me I’m alone because I want to be alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
But I like to be alone, at times.
What can we share.
As humans, as physical beings, as thoughs, as interests.

And I react strongly when I’m left alone again. when I’m told that we will meet at five and clock is over six. Could you care to inform if you’re late. My mother did this all the time, I think most of my childhood, but maybe just enough times that I remember my strong reactions, and I react strongly. So I think and go back, where is this anger and violence coming from, what I’m afraid of? Am I afraid of? I can’t remember this but my parents have told me, that when I was a baby, I was taken care of their neighbour, until other neighbour told my parents that the caretakers used to go to shop etc and leave me sleeping in the balcony, except of course when I woke, there was no one there, so I was crying a long time before anyone came. My parents took me to another place after that. When I was maybe four… but this is not the place to go through everything, because all and all my childhood has been ok. But nevertheless it’s interesting to go back and try to figure out, why I am acting the way I am acting.
And yet, I have a reason to be angry, if something is agreed, and that agreement doesn’t hold, why would I trust your words anymore?
I’ve been left so manytimes, that I assume everyone will leave me again, let down.
That’s why I test you, everybody, how much can you take, will you really be there, even when I’m not nice, even when I mean and spiteful. And I don’t like myself then. Why I’m so worried of being alone, left again when I more and more believe that there is no me to be alone.

Nevertheless, she says she wants to be with me, but i see from most of her actions that she chooses something else, if there is something else to choose. She seems to find her place everywhere and anywhere, and I’m all the time lost. I do not like that, and the places where I find my place, something to do, are gigs, temporary, moving, one week here, other there, in a middle a long space of emptiness that I fill with more music and albums and coffee and mate… and thank god, friends.

To live a life together, what does it mean. What do we need to share for that, what is enough? Dance, presence, though.

And I gave you a book that you don’t understand. And I forgot to tell that I don’t understand either. Evil of me, I see now. I’m sorry.
It’s not dumb not to undestand the book, but it’s dumb to cook small kettle on too big fire.

How I can be so attached to person. How I think, or feel that there is love even though I can’t stand the way I’ve been treated, I can’t stand a lot of things, and times to times I long to be somewhere else. And I know that you long too.

After waiting for so long and being so angry, after saying this was enough, and this is it, through. after talking. Why still in the jam I was all the time dancing so that I could see when you come, waiting. I hated myself for waiting you then, but at least I was dancing and waiting. Dancing about three hours in a row. Some beautiful some not, and not settling anything that isn’t clear physical contact, because: If you’re just fluttering, I rather do a solo until I find someone who is willing to share their weight and support.

And afterwards going to dinner, thinking what a horrible place. And why this is so sad. Will I also be so alone after 30 years? But my friends are far away now too…. So maybe next summer I should make a birthday party and try to get my friends there, or even some of them.

Sometimes I see myself setting myself apart. Who is seeing? Who is setting apart. I turn away from people’s eyes and I don’t know why. If I’m closing something, what am I closing, the anger, the violence. That’s what I hate, my eperience that when I am open and take the space, there is some one complaining about it. Pretty much always someone is complaining so I don’t care much. Not caring much is setting apart. But I do care, even when I wish that I don’t. It’s the helplesness that I feel that makes me wish that I wouldn’t care. Because I’m lazy and I’m a coward to do something.
But all of this is also my choice. I can choose differently.

Self, you, me, anybody is pretty much just bunch of patterns that we stick to and we stick to them because if we wouldn’t, you wouldn’t be you and I wouldn’t be I. But that’s the very thing that is making the life difficult from time to time. How do you brake a pattern? Dice, Anyone?

This could be a text of 16 years old teeager, but it isn’t, I’m double. And somehow I fear that this might be a text of someone 57, if they would have the courage to write it out.

For what will we settle, for what are we settling? And for why? What are the compromises that we make. How many time we let ourselves to be let down, and still keep in touch…

I love you.
Who you are?
and what is love?

Beautiful sentence, it’s totally clear, and at the same time, it’s totally unclear, but because answers to questions how all or any of the three words are defined is too big and too wide and out of reach, we settle. I love you.

So I gave you a book. You will understand it.
you, nothing to be added, nothing to take away
love, nothing to be added, nothing to take away
I, nothing to be added, nothing to take away.

It’s not here, you can’t reach it, this is only text.
And yet, there is texts that will reach… I know, I’ve read a book.

Please do tell me

This is getting harder every time. Of course 2007 was easy because of Ulver…
But I’ll try anyway. I am well aware that this summer/autumn I’ve listened less music than probably ever. Just because of travelling. So lot of the stuff that has come out I just haven’t heard.

OK, let’s get on with it, not in any order, except Jozef is where it should be:

Jozef Van Wissem - Ex Patria
Just the sheer beauty of this takes my breath away.

Jozef Van Wissem - It Is All That Is Made
Just the sheer beauty of this takes my breath away.
All and all it’s very hard to say (and utterly useless) which one of these would be in anyway better… Brilliance is brilliance.

Nadja - Corrasion (vinyl)
Well, I don’t know ho many times I’ve listened Numb on a loud volume, and the blueness of it just makes it better.

Nadja - I Make From Your Eyes The Sun
Ah….

Nadja/Black Boned Angel
Christ Send Light was super, this is something different, but still, super

Nadja - Belles Betes
Specially Green and Cold is superb.

Aidan Baker - Gathering Blue (vinyl)
Gathering blue from your eyes…, really really beautiful just because of this song the release is solid… Of course lot of other stuff on this has been released before.

Aidan Baker - Thoughtspan (vinyl)
“And it doesn’t matter that you’re not here”

Jesu - Infinity
Well, somehow returning into old(?) but I agree with some review that he might as well have divided this into the songs they are. Nevertheless this get’s my hopes up for future releases.

Kongh - Shadows of the Shapeless
Riding a bike through BSAS with this album coming through. Pretty damn good. Probably even better than their first one.

Cult Of Luna - Eternal Kingdom
Let’s ee, how this goes. I think that somewhere along thehigway is better, but then again for a long time I though that salvation is better than SAH, so what do I know.

Bass Communion - Litany
You just have to hear it.

William Basinski - 92982
What can I say, Mr. Basinski delivers. I mean, you know this is great. Now I’m just waiting for the new one for top 2010 list.

Aerial - Put it this way in headlines
Well, I just got this… But it’s aerial for sure. I think this album would be on the top list just because of the guitars of the end of “in our wake”

Is this all? it can’t be all? But nevertheless…. so it seems, oijoi.

Please do tell me

Back in BSAS again. Not exactly the way I hoped bt what the hell.

We went in cordoba after xmas, spend some time with lovely family in a house next to a river.
It was lovely, in a way, rivers are lovely, families as well.
Then we went to capilla del monte to change the year.
I notice that I have a habit of spending my xmas/new years with people I don’t really know so much and always ending up feel slightly wierd and/or lonely. But it’s my decision, now I just need to figure out why I choose it.

In Capilla there is this hill (1900+something high) called Uritorco, and apparently already long time ago people have seen lights and ships and what not coming from the mountain. UFO’s so called. It’s also said to be a place of energy or a high energy point in earth. THey say there’s a city of Erks (yeah, Erks) underneath the mountain and they effect your dreams and such…
It’s always interesting, since I try to keep my mind open for the experiences so that I can experience.
But… No I don’t remember much of my dreams, I didn’t see anything, I didn’t feel so much different. The hill and hills around are beautiful nevertheless. The town is quite charming as well although it also lives through tourism at this point I think (UFO’s UFO’s, more people to buy our stuff). I spend one lovely day walking to the base of Uritorco, where there is a small river making ponds every once ina while. And when you follow it long enough you get rid of most of the people because they don’t want to go so far. SO I found nice place with big stones and to pools and spend couple of hours swimming naked and basking in the sun… And of course burned my back slightly, once again. But the day was great.

So now back in BSAS. Vale is doing a workshop of rawfood, and I became sick. Today I feel much better however, and I think I don’t even have a fever anymore.

I’ve been reading a bit. Or thinking. I don’t know about this global warming thing. Weathers are changing that’s for sure, but is it warming or not? Also I don’t know about this saving a planet thing. Also I don’t know about this evolution thing. If I don’t separate myself from nature, if I don’t separate humans from nature all this creed, and the thing we are doing because it are actually evolution on to some direction. It looks like this evolutional development will come to it’s end pretty soon though, like it did with the dinosaurs. But the nature and probably even it’s diversity, will come back, although in another form. Does this mean that nothing should be done? No, somethings should be done but we should be quite aware of our motivation and reasoning behind to do it. At the same time, it seems that excatly the point of separating ourselves from the nature has caused this creed, or possibility to it. I think that has something to with judeo-christian faith and how it went over most of the europe. and then when europeans went over everything (like americas) it really went over everything. So we are able to be this dumb because we separated our selves from the nature… We know that and that’s why we’re worried, but in truth we never separated from, we cannot separate from the nature. so everything is, eventually, hunky dory.

In Capilla Vale and one other friend went to see a witch. There was somekind of idea that we are carrying our relatives and their patterns in our body. And she can help the person to acknowledge it and get rid of it. Surprisingly this makes perfect sense for me. And this is what Karma really is. To say that “i” would be born again according to how I live this life, it’s just a simplication of karma, trying to make it more easily understandable for people. Why, because most of us always think ourself first. Everything what wedo or think is karma, it affects our reality and it affects to other beings in it. My genes are carried through in my child (if I ever will have one) but my thoughs, values, ideas might be carried along within any person I meet, young or old. And the way I present those values, thoughs, ideas or do I present them through my actions and being is creating karma.
Of course, coming back to a witch, she ruined it all because there was also past lives involved… Oh, how much must we carry? Our past lives and then the relatives, and because our past lives are carrying the relatives. of them it’s a huge load… Haha, no wonder tv has such an appeal to us.

I’ve been trying to fic top 2009. Very difficult. Again it seems that most of the stuf I’ve been listening last year has released much more earlier… But let’s see maybe in a day or two.

Please do tell me

I was in brasil.
Nice festival.
Nice food… No wait. The food was nice because you can get fruits from sacolao very very cheaply.
Mango’s are super.

Because getting a ride with a car we came before xmas. Ok ok, maybe we should have stayed there.
But now, today we’re going of to cordoba, first somewhere then to cabilla where there is mountain and ufo’s because city under the mountain or whatever. I had a wish that we would change the year there.
So we probably will.
Then we’ll see how long we want to stay and after head of to south.
El bolson probably.

THese few days in BSAS has taken a lot of money and a lot of sweat, much hotter than in Florippa. Good sides of BSAS, easy access to Cachafaz which are my favourite alfajores this far. I would like to taste some more of amaratotto’s
Why they don’t bring this stuff (cachafaz/amaratotto’s) to finland… Ok, Havana’s are nice as well, but this far Cachafaz win totally.

There’s nothing much new. It’s hard to write about kilometres of beach with crushing waves, hawks flying over, thunderstorms that go on hours and light up everything all the time so that the moments of darkess are shorter that the moments of light.

And yet I find some problems with me as always before, how to meet people.
When I’m not in the jam, dancing.

But I met some lovely people, I hope and I’m pretty sure I’ll meet most of them again, somehow.

OK, pretty soon we have to go into the night bus and I still have somethings unpacked.
Top of 2009 coming, but it’s feels difficult this time.
Lot of the things I’ve not heard. I think that these past 6 months have been… I don’t remember when I have listened so little music as on these past 6 moths. Anf when I get back to helsinki I can probably spend weeks just listening through the vinyls….

Good luck and good night to you all.

Please do tell me

I have to tell this because it’s so hilarious.
When I came here, about a month ago, in couple of first days it rained, hard. And the roof leaked.
I actually heard that something fell onto it… or from it, or whatever. Anyway on the corner of the room it leaked. and made a small river into the room… not much, but enough to get all the electricity off the floor. After that the leaking stops. It rains everyonece and a while, but the roof doesn’t leak. It rains really really hard, but the roof doesn’t leak. I though someone had fixed it, but maybe it just swell.
OK.
Last week, on thursday or so, when everybody else was taking hermano to airport, the doorbell rings. I wake up, since everyone has gone sleep about three, me included because it seems impossible to me to sleep when everybody else is yelling (ok ok talking, yelling just every once and a while). Clock is about 11. SO on the second ring I get the door there is three men, including the janitor, and a woman asking for Sari, who is the habitant of this flat. I tell I speak no espanjol, but luckily the woman does speak english, I tell that everyone is in the airport and she tells that she’s the owner of the flat and these two men are coming to fix the roof. And I almost say oh nice yeah it did leak about month ago, but then decide to shut up. So men come and go to the roof and fix it and make a mess and clean it and then leave.
On the next morning, after their visit it rains hard. I wake up in morning at sometime and hear the rain and fall back to sleep. When I get up, I notice that the roof leaks again! Brilliant. It takes a month to come to fix something that doesn’t need repairing anymore and when they “fix” it, it needs repairing again.
It’s just sems to be how things go over here.
Brilliant.

Otherwise, my life seem to concentrate on all the things it’s been concentrating a long time. Difficult relationship(s), dancing, a little bit of less music, since there seem to be no so much time to listen to it, and getting things.

But I have heard latest Katatonia… Now after discouraged ones, I have felt that eveyrother album is ok then the next one not so good and then ok again but nothing really beating discouraged ones But then came Great Cold DIstance and bloody hell. It’s really fucking good. still maybe not beating discouraged ones since how can you beat a classic, but GCD being much better than anything between. So thanks to all this expectations could be really high, but because I knew this I tried to keep my expectations very low. And thank god, because new alum is good. Katatonia is Always Good, it’s much better than many others out there, but no it’s not as catchy and as nice as GCD, but also, It’s ok. I’ve now listened Night Is The New Day twice and I can’t say any super songs yet, I’m sure there is some. So I’m not much of a critic. what I heard was, about same sound world as GCD which is good, something that could be Opeth which is not surprise either and not bad thing and some really thick riff’s. Everythings hunkydory.

Took first roll of film to developement today. I pick it up tomorrow, let’s see.

I also tried to figure out should I get new glasses here. It seems not. Thanks to “cheap” chains like specsavers it’s cheaper in finland to get glasses. Well here it’s about 100€ depending on the specs, and in here if you take anything that is european brand as specs… huh it might be even cheaper in finland. Of course the cheap brands here are cheap, but so is specsavers back in finland. But I did find almost the sunglasses I would like to have… but then not quite, brigitte by infinit, but they have some gold in them and it’s maybe bit too much, also the price is bit too much. But somehow they’re nice. And of course I’m attracted of the name.

So maybe after all I’ll just glue my glasses together and get new ones when I get to finland…
I would like to get out of this consuming mind… But I think I’ll will always consume, buy, music right now James Blackshaw in my headphones again and me god, I need to give this man money.

If something needs repairing all the time, when is time to throw it away?

1 tale

I have no idea why I took the title… But it started to play in my head.
Now it plays in my itunes.

I had to read my previous mail. because I know I’ll repeat myself.
This time: Floor, glasses (which are broken), a bit better posture for my back, but not superb. Dreamscapes.

I went to the jam. Alone, with Kongh’s Shadows of the Shapeless filling my head (phones). Riding fast between cars, choosing lanes, paths through. Such a rush of adrenaline, Like snowboarding in backcountry. Super.
Why is it that so often we (?) feel most alive when we are in danger? Or at least in relative danger. Like me, going through streets of BS AS, between cars?
But it’s also about control. I’m in control and I have to make decisions fast, there’s no time to stop and think. It’s flowing. Just like a dance. So how come I don’t experience my whole life like that? Can I choose to experience my whole life like that? And howcome I can feel the same sense of flow time when I’m listening music.. like now Commemoration… This riff is superb. What happened to this band? Memoirs was such a dissapointment to me.

Oksana send me a part of Everything’s the same which I did in altai.
I should work so much more, I know.

And just now Hary asked me am I polish. No, proud member of Finnish CI community. Which of course leads me into thoughs of community. But let’s not go there. That word is tricky and I’m not sure am I part of community, but I’m part of the group dancing there for 9 years of CI, mainly together.

Sort of Invisible Listen to that song. HOwcome there is people who can do sucha a… It’s so simple. It’s so beautiful and the lyrics are the crown… No the Drum work is the Crown of this song. Listen to it. There’s this restrained force or power that could take off at anypoint and it chooses to stay with the song, to serve the song, Be a true part of it, and yet you can hear the power there. It’s huge. It’s physical force going into my body. Listen to it. Such a great song.

Just checking, but apparently I haven’t written much about Giorgio Agamben’s coming community. I should have. But then again the book is so great that… I dont know what to say except that it’s the almost only book within two years that had made me cry both on times I read it. And it’s superbly good. And I’m still not sure did I understand even half of it.

” …into the thin air…”

In jam there was three people. We had a lovely trio… of improvisation and contact. Very enjoyable. Funny that not so many people come there. space is nice. Bit sticky floor though. But at least there is space.

I can’t meet people. Already home I’m in trouble. Here even more because I don’t speak the language. Being with the relatives yesterday and me supertired because no one ever sleeps at here. And there was couple of really sweet attempts to make contact, and I tried to answer. And I tried to make contact. But we have no language and I don’t smile enough. Then later, in the evening I went to the jam. There was this teachers whom I’ve seen many times but not really made any contact with him. I felt that he’s a bit avoiding even to look at me. And then we start to dance. And dance is nice, good, a dance. And after we meet in corridor and we smile and touch, not talk, but we are there. That’s how I feel. I meet people when I dance, and after it’s easier to meet them again even in a bit different enviroment. How I can bring that openess I have in the dance space into my whole life?

I spend more money than I though.

Today we got the ticket to the border of brasil. On our way to Floreanopolis and the festival over there. I hope it will be good…

How the water turns in here?
I got two bottles fitting to devajal for tomorrows class… Endless repetition of self. Trying to fix things better.

Over and out.

Please do tell me

No one goes to sleep here.
Well at 3 o clock.
And then they wonder why I sleep till 12.

Nothing gets done either.
I’m tired.
Today I tried to sew a pants… After one seam I broke the bloody needle from the machine and couldn’t find another. And no one is home. And I hate to think what hermano will say.

There’s too many things like my mother, like me.
I’m dumb.
‘
I got a bike which is nice because riding a bike is nice.

Time is passing with speed, I know. Time is not passing.

Brasil is waiting pretty soon and I should write to people about going to rosario and dance a bit.
I haven’t danced nearly as much as I tought and hoped mainly because BS AS regular jams are dying down. Jams are sometime somewhere. Well on monday and tuesday I think. On tuesday I teach before the jam so it should happen. But nothing here happens until it happens, so I should shut up about it and see does it happen. Too much of blaa blaa blaa for me eventhough I love talking. But not enough talking just blaa. And money is everywhere in blaa. Should learn the language I know I know.

I’m drifting further away from her. Or she’s drifting from me. We both know it and try to do something about it. I wish I knew what my life would be. Do I know what it is. A floor, bad posture for my back, no glasses, typing away and listening music that sound good (and no wonder it’s James Blackshaw), my feet starting to numb, have to change position soon. My life is. Life is. What can we do about it.

And I get nothing done. I say it’s others but it’s me. I could do, all by myself of course, because otherwise I end up just waiting, but I could. If I really really really wanted. Maybe this is teaching me to really really really want.

A moment. We tried to talk a bit. And I have so much love, wishing I could give to someone without conditions or needs. Brief flick of realisation that most of us spent most of our lives looking for someone who we could just give the love to. And when not successeeding we become old and bitter and ugly. I wish so much I would find it. But we are not old, bitter and ugly. And again… I’m not separate. It is all that is made. But when you feel that love and understand that helplesness where we are it’s hard to stop crying… Why I can’t just love?
What is it? love?

I think that’s where the creativity goes and comes. From the attempt to express the love… the hugeness of what we have inside, trying somehow….to express it without fear or need. Just as it is. so… it is so…

And I think sometimes, people do manage, to express that. I’m not sure are they happier after it, but I can sense it in some music, in some books, in some movies, in some dance pieces… in some discussions, in some dances, in some touches. But it’s so huge… and we are so small and yet we have it.

I’m not sure where I’m getting at.
Where I’m getting at?

I am so afraid of failing that I’m afraid of everything.
And I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of failing.
I’m tired of everything.

But I’ve always been melancholic… When do I stop liking it, and see the joy or happiness as beautyfull as longing and melancholia?
I though I did it already.

I whish I knew.

Please do tell me

PIc from Finland though.

We’ve been looking for bikes. To cycle from place to place. Cycles are cheap here, if you come from europe.
But if you think you’re going to use it for a month…
Yesterday we found a good bike with 300 pesos. Too good to be true.
WHen we went to pick it up this morning… yeah, the poor woman had made a mistake with the price, it was 700. Arse, mistake, hah. I donät know what she tried but mistake it was not. Maybe that I would settle for a worse bike with 400.
This place is full of talk that doesn’t mean a thing. Blaa blaa blaa.
People are trying to bullshit in everywhere. But here blaa blaa blaa is a rule, not exception.

So now I have to find a bike. again. maybe.

paypal refuses to work with me when paying to US. I do not know why.
I hope they’ll tell me. I think they’re trying to bullshit me as well.

But something totally different from all of this.
After telling my friend Weazie about Jozef Van Wissem and It is all that is made He returned a link to ubuweb’s Van Wissem site. And my god, rom there you can find forthcoming Ex Patris (from important records, on vinyl apparently). Ex Patris continues the same awesomeness and beauty as It Is All That Is Made. Superbly Superbly beautiful. From ubuweb you can also hear A Priori which is also super good, but these two works of 2009 are overwhelmingly good.
I’m happy so happy that one funny day I was visiting a local new recordstore in helsinki and just ecause of the covers I picked up Jozef’s Stations of the cross, I like it, enough that I got more, like A Rose By Anyother Name and A Priori and then It Is All That Is Made I’m so happy.

Right now my ears are filled with Black Boned Angel’s and Nadja’s collaboration. The “new” full lenght one. And sure it’s not Christ Send Light, but something slightly else. However this far I do like it.

I’m so sad about the bike. I’m so happy about the music.

Every weekend, fri to sun here is a market very close by. I’ve been getting a lot of bomillas. Gues what you’re going to get for souveniers?
Today there was a stall by a woman who makes knives. I’m such a sucker for knives. There was this one super beautiful one, and I had to keep telling myself that it’s unpractical for me, it’s made for skinning small animals, it’s not for me, I wouldn’t use it.. But it was so beautiful. I didn’t got it though. ANd I won’t get it tomorrow either (?)

SOS is full and now people are not even signing up for the waiting list so much anymore which is ok.

I think about coming back to finland. Going to russia and ukraine. My life and how it doesn’t seem to go anywhere even I’m going from place to place.
Most of the stuff comes down to couple of questions: “What is important?” “What do I want?”
I love to dance. Hire me.

Please do tell me

A lot of time.
Vanishing away?
A lot to write about?
Well not a lot.

Visiting a laundry, and then Freddo’s because there’s no place to wait in the laundry.
I wonder how quickly they come to finland, will they ever come.
Will I ever come.

Yes I will, I know I’ll return because SOS is soon and Sos is full.
Less than 24 hours and we had 120 people coming. It’s nice.

Dancing here has been… well.. good, but jams are packed. Spaces are too small for the amount of people.
And at the same time as it is beautiful to see so many people interested and dancing, it’s also super frustrating try to dance with no space. Feeling limited all the time by the space. And finding out people with whom you could really explore and try out and find something but space limiting our exploration, our dance.
But that’s how it is.
I did a class, just one, which is always too short. But it went good. I always know how things could go better, but but… maybe better is a wrong word, different. You can’t be sure which choice would be (or will be) better.
Autarco asked me to visit him, and maybe there we will have some more space, or less people.
Lior would be also there.

This summer has been… Meeting and meeting people.
L and P and AH and AD and M in Moscow, then A&L + Autarco in Ibiza, then L, P, AH & M in here.
Going around russia, europe and argentina and meeting same people. Hah.

Again and again I’m lost in life and people and things. And again and again I find out that dancing is the thing where I’m least lost. But at the same time I’m enough lost in that one too, so that I can’t figure my way to make a living out of it, at least yet. Maybe I will. Here I’ve got some invitations to some places, but problem lies in no one having much of the money. And I’m slighly annoyed that I sense some people thinking I have a lot of money because I’m coming from europe. I don’t, but at the same time I do have a much better back up system than most of the people here, so I shouldn’t complain.
Back to dance. Dancing makes me happy, I notice that I have a hard time to smile, but in Jams I notice myself smiling much more.

Another thing that makes me.. Not just happy but… No it doesn’t make me anything, but it brings me enormous Joy is of course music (surprise surprise!). And the best thing for a while is Jozef Van Wissem’s It Is All That Is Made. I knew that I will like it, all of Jozef’s albums have been great this far, but this one, my…… How can anyone make music that is so sad and joyful and beautiful at the same time. It’s so beautiful that this far every time I’ve listened to it I’ve noticed tears coming to my eyes at some point. He has this theme that he returns to in every other(?) piece. I don’t know. I could try to write million things about this album, and nothing would hit the point so well. That’s why it’s music, not words.
Only thing I can say is that listen to it. Get it, and listen to it. Helped me a lot during these weeks. I notice.

City is big and full of cars. It reminds me of moscow for these same reasons, although I think that moscow is bigger. And of course the athmosphere is not exactly the same. In both countries I don’t speak the language. Here I can at least read the road signs. I wish I would get a bike, although the traffic is pretty scary in a way. Like they have lane marks, but nobody actually drive on the lanes. They drive how ever. But traffic is flowing so it’s ok. I was told here is a lot of parks, and yes there is, Only thing is that the park might be about thirty meters wide and there might be 4 lane road on both sides, so it’s not exactly peaceful or fresh, but it’s ok still.

Lot of notices warning about not leaving water around because water is a breeding place for mosquiteos and mosquitos can give you dengue, which is apparently somekind of relative of malaria.

Am I again picking up just negative things?
Food is very good, people seem to be nice although for me always takes a while to get accustomed to way of behaving.

I was lying in the dance space of san telmo, where the festival classes were. Watching the fan on the roof. Then I was lying in the terrase next to it watching birds, alone, in flocks. And I remembered reading that hawk or an eagle can see 240 pictures in a second. So for us 24 pictures is enough to make picture moving, But for eagle there would be a lot of stillness. Every moment is eternity, and not related to each others. It’s like pictures. Every moment is a still forever but we just happen to flow from still to still in the speed of 24 pictures. Time and space is totally created and related to our perception. Think, over 100 times more information in a second. Second is a long time. Eternities next to each others.
If I shoot a five minute dance piece with camera taking 240 pictures a second, slow it down to 24 pics a second, 500 minutes of dance. Continuous slow motion.
How slow we must look for an eagle.

Oh thing more. I love my bag, It’s great. I want to marry it. I took the brand of and replaced it with eyes of Ganesha since I’m becoming a hippie and since Ganesha is abundant. Bag is abundant. It’s nice to have something designed well for use and looking good. Now the test is just how long and well it will last.

Please do tell me

So what now?

I’m back in finland for a while.
Visited Argentina’s embassy and heard I need no visa. Called to police to get a new driving licence and heard it will take 8 weeks, bummer.

Found out that one of my Western Digital hard drives doesn’t work. It goes on and then clicks, like starts to spin the disc, clicks and slows down spins again click’s and so on maybe three or four times until it stops totally. My iMac says the disk couldn’t be read. Macbook’s disk utility shows the disc but says it’s 2TB so that’s not right. When I bought it (about two and half years ago) webpages said it has 5 year guarantee, I checked when I bought it from the guy, who said “if it says so on our web pages it is so”. Check the receit today.. well 2 year. wrote to them but they haven’t answered.
Funny thing is, nothing has happened to the drive. It ahsn’t been in power or connected to anything. Within 3 months nothing has happened, only thing that could do something is normal room dust. well, maybe now on I need to get seagates which actually DO have 5 year guarantee.
What got lost? I do not remember everything…. I hope I get the bytes back.

Before all of this I travelled from ibiza to Düsseldorf, where I waited 8 hours for connecting flight. Yes they were on time, that’s why the flight was so cheap. It would’ve been ok if I wouldn’t have had a most massive headache I remember having, like hours… Huh.

WHen I got home here was a lot of packets. So today I’ve been already listened Kongh’s Shadows of the Shapeless, which sounds bloody brilliant. Back When’s We sand as ghosts, which sounded good. Jeniferever’s Spring Tides which sounded adorable (what is it with those swedes?!?!). Isis’ Wawering Radiantwhich will tae some more time to open I think. And right now I’m listening Travis + Fripp which sounds good. Of course.
+ there is bunch of other vinyl to be listened + some cd’s like nadja collections new Jesu (my hopes are not up though) Yoshi Wada and some awesome looking stuff from Wereju (all of them Idrone park releases) and I mean looking I really dig the lay out.

Today starts a SOS meeting. I feel slightly sick, my throat hurts, but I’m going. Actually I’m driving a car. Good thing is today I also found my driving licence, problem with it is that it’s old one, big, and no one recognize me from that picture. Oh well… maybe I’ll get a new one anyway… and it can be sended to me.

What else. I feel strangely positive, of course a bunch of vinyl helps that but also otherwise. It’s nice. I start to pack things for the weekend meeting…

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

So now.
I bought the ticket. expensive one but she wants to travel on certain dates and we want to travel together and I have a lot of money.
But my debit card don’t go trough. travelling agency doesn’t let me know about this until I ask after 4 days of nothing.
We try another debit card it doesn’t go through.
Maybe today, though.
I do not know do I have the flight to argentina or not.
But I think I’m going.

This has given me a lot of stress and I wonder why. It’s annoying because not only taht I suffer from it, other people suffer my stress as well…
Not good.

I hear that I’m rude. THat I know but often I hear I’m rude in places or situations where I don’t actually feel to be. So again time of self-reflection.
But I know this. Specially in slightly hippy enviroments, I am rude. Because I’m looking things from the otherside, which for many is negative. Well to me it’s also negative, but I know it’s just the other.
Without other there is no other.
And eventually the whole needs both sides.

When Good forces eventually win there will be no good.
When bad forces eventually win there will be no bad.
To conquere the other completely, to demolish the other completely is to conqure and demolish yourself.
Why so often when we strive towards good we happen to do so much bad on the way?
So where and why do we strive for?

When I know that I’m not why I stress so much?
And the helplesness and frustration and violence are such a physical feelings in my body. Like some one holding me tight, suffocating… My heart beating fast and faster for a long time.
Can’t let it go…until with time.
I hear how people believe in themselves and what they’re doing. and they do things… hippy things but nevertheless.
And I don’t know what can I do and I don’t believe in anything.

But I know how to move, sometimes, the way I do.
What can I do with that?
Lot of things…
For me…
But what can I offer for others?
Something that they would value.
I am not sure.
sometimes with my teaching I think I can offer a bit. Or just move forwards the information I have got from others.

I fly not. I stay on the ground.

Please do tell me

Photo from Altai
In Barcelona, still. Today back to ibiza.

So things change and I think I’m going to argentina. Just because of her? Because of myself.
Own personal vipassana I think. Unless I learn Really fast spanish.
Can I believe that money come?
I try.

I need to pay everything back to my father at some point.
Direction for my life.

Who would like to “invest” loads of money into CI/Zen center, concentrating on healthy food, and the relations of CI and immediate action, being in here, now, Zen.

What would I do there, with it?
Learn dicipline, make dicipline.
I’ve understood that only dicipline I have is CI.
Yesterday when deciding to go to the jam and dance even though my eye is not totally ok yet (yeah it had a meeting with one finger, hurt) I realised that it is the thing I can do, everyday. It’s also the thing I enjoy. Not only CI but dancing. For a long time yesterday I was making my own solo when most of the people were lying on the floor. And when meeting my first partner my solo continued, infused with the possibilities of a duet. Was it a duet?

I want to dance.
I want to practise improvisation.

Yesterday feeling bad for various reasons (patterns keep repeating, no matter who I’m with because I’m me… so what is me? a bunch of patterns… If I change patterns, am I me?)
And walking in the city to the restaurant (BIO CENTER, Great food) going with the sullen relaxation noticing where we are going by having he wide spectre of surrounding and information coming in all the time. Not connected to anything, and thus connected to everything. Practise of impovisation… skills…

When I woke up… well later Kent’s Livräddären kept playing in my head so I open the computer and iTunes and play it. It’s good. I still don’t quite know what is he singing.
Then drifting on to other old songs of Kent. Such a greatness. Maybe the new ones are as well.

Advertisement. Well I could advertise a lot of things but to me is sucha nice thing that Denovali records is actually giving mp3’s downloads from their own releases. And sometimes the whole album like now

Slightly tired with group decisions specilly when I’ve chosen to be physically far away from the group. I might as well give in, thank god Panu can do these thing as well, so maybe I shift responsibility over to him.

I am worried about going, about life, about everything.
But I try now to.
I want to dance and listen and play music.
Do I want it enough? that’s the question.
But if not, I don’t want anything enough.

Good night and good luck to you all.

1 tale

Can Masdeu
Although the picture is from ibiza.

After sending loads of suggestiongs to the SOS group none of them were approved.
Nice.

I’m informed that changes are happenign but I’m not informed what kind of changes. MAybe tomorrow.
Eventhough I thought that our options are rather open as they were I notice getting slightly nervous.
I want to know now, to make another plan.
That’s why it so good for me to be with that woman, every plan always shatters.

Everyhing will be alright because everything is alright after all. It’s just a matter of viewpoint and scale.

I’m in Can Masdeu, nice house. If you want more info google it. they have nice pages and all.
My friend lives here and has been taking care of me a bit, well a bit more than was a plan since I was sick for a day and a half. Now I feel being quite ok.
Although I’ve been spending way too much time on computer trying to figure out mod for SOS forum, well I figured it out ina way, just didn’t get it to work. Let’s see how many junkspambots we get there.

After being a couple of hours surrounded with small children I start to wonder “do I really want them” again. but it’s ok.

Everything will be ok.
I just need to remind myself a bit.

Tomorrow starts a workshop.
Dancing is so welcome after these few days.

I need to keep my hands of the phone, not to ask her.
I just notice that I would like to live my life with her at the moment.
Maybe it happens.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me

About feeling good.
Good is always related to morals.
So when questioning about good or bad, question your moral, ethics.
I think word moral comes from morality.
We have moral because we are aware of dying, that we are temporary, that we will die.

So when feeling good, when you do something that feels good, why does it feel good?
and why do you think that feeling good would be good for others.
Extreme example, it’s highly possible that hitler or stalin felt extremely good about themselves and what they were achieving. And it’s highly possible that mother teresa didn’t (and in my point of view ms. teresa didn’t do only good). And it’s highly possible that Mr. Gautama or Jesus didn’t actually felt good…

feeling good. About what I do feel good about, and why?

Don’t use your feeling good for justification for anything.
Ask yourself why would you need justification?
Do you need justification for anything?
And if, to whom you need to justify your actions?
Who is that imaginary judge?
Society?
Parents?
Friends?
God?
You?

If I don’t care about the judgement of others why would I have a need to justify?
If I don’t care about the suffering of others why would I need to justify?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of others, what do I call love?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of others, what do I call good?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of myself, what do I call love?
And If I don’t care about the suffering of myself, what do I call good?

Some Zen or Taoist teachers said along these lines: “if you truly are a man, you can take the last piece of bread from the hungry, kill and slay”

Elevating.

So what do we talk about when we talk about good.
Common good?
Why do I feel good?
Why would I feel good?

As soon as you think what you feel, do you feel it anymore?
As soon as you concentrate on the presence of god, is the god present?
As soon as you think of something is holy, is it holy anymore?
As soon as you try to hold on to something, do you have it?

I dance in the world of abundance, where nothing is, and nothing is denied.
I dance in the world beyond good and evil, good and bad, ethics or morals.
I dance in the world of freedom.
I dance in physicality, bounded by forces I feel/sense.
I dance in the world of banality, where nothing is holy,
I dance in the world of flesh and blood and bones.
I dance on the earth, where everything comes from, where everything goes to.
I dance in the world of time, measured by perception, sensations, not by the hours of the clock.
I dance in me, moments flowing to moments, sensations to sensations, thoughs to thoughs and into the earth again.
I dance not.
Dance is me, me is dance. I do not exist out from the dance, dance does not exist out from me.
Who is dancing?

Words are meant to divide.
Make sections, differencies.
To be me is to separate from others.

There is no physicality without spirituality, spirituality without physicality.
CI is not physical practise, nor is it a spiritual one.
It’s a practise.
For me it’s the practise.

To me words have always been an intellectual tool, dividing, analyzing the world, my perception.
More I concentrate on the spirituality, on the holiness, more I question it, more fake I feel, more farther I drift.
Going to the mass at the times of being more connected with the lutheran congregation, was always problematic for me. I always felt it separates me from god rather than takes me closer.

What we name we control.
Who are you to control God?

CI is a practise of present moment.
Present moment is infinitive, infinity.
Nothing.
Two wonderful concept that we have as words are infinity and nothing.
Both sucha things we can’t truly ever intellectually realise.
We might have a sensation of both of them, (or maybe they’re the same)
Soon as we try to verbalise the sensation we’ve lost it already.

To feel the rush of love.
There is two persons I have felt the most unselfish love I have ever felt.
Both person are important to me, but at the same time I’m not attached to them in everyday life.
With both of them the realisation of the sensation of love have come out through the dance.
What I say afterwords is memory of that feeling, afterburns of it, but not the sensation itself.
But it has repetition, the feeling.
Almost whenever I dance with either one of them I feel it.
And I don’t know why.
Why it does’t happen with other people. After all I have great dances with other people too.
And then again.
Maybe:
With them I don’t have great dances. I know afterwards that the dance was great, but while in it. it’s all that is, not good not bad.
Maybe with other I know already while dancing that the dance is great?
This is not the truth….

No matter how I try to approach this topic, I can’t get into it. I can’t truly explain what happens and what do I feel.
Because it’s felt, not said.
Word is not a feeling.

In this culture of ours, we are so concentrated on the words.
Gospel by John starts: In the beginning was a word and the word was with god, the word was a god”
But as Arie so beautifully in Moscow reminded: “For there to be a word, there must be some one to hear it”
Am I talking aloud or is this happening in my head?
Where’s my head?
What is my head?
And how the hell I got these words in here after all?

I’m trying to tell…
What Am I trying to tell?

I said this in the meeting… and then Annukka said it so beautifully and so much simpler.
Why I want to keep SOS just concentrating on the “physicality”
The “technique” of the form is that it has inside all of it.
It’s for people to be found.
Why I don’t want to have sound healing work etc…
I want to concentrate on CI because that is the practise.

That is the practise we as a group have done.
We all might have different interest but all of us have rather strong technical, physical base to the dance.
Of sharing. Sharing the weight. Sharing the presense.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
And I crumble back into dust.

Please do tell me

Nothing new.

Yesterdays class was really quite nice.
Healing experience from the dissapointment of the festival.
Eventhough the festival class was ok.

On friday to Barcelona, there classes to take and couple to teach.

Future still slightly unclear.
Wondering where and what.
But everything will come.

Slight chances that would be able to make it to SOS meeting in fiskars, and noticing how the though warms my heart.
Yesterday after the jam I noticed thinking of helsinki and way back “home” from the cable factory.
After asking V shall we go to home or to market and she answering “anywhere with you.”
More warmth.

Noticing how many orders I have made before my leaving to travels and wondering how many of them have actually arrived.
I have no idea except the conspiracy packet that I made my father to follow.
Loads of music waiting..
Hey do you need a dj who would play odd, mostly depressive music? Would you?

Watched “Blush” the other day. dissapoinment. Agression is nice but the predictability of movement and seeing that “they know” is depressing, as well as the editing which doesn’t show any moment as a whole, but cut’s everything into pieces so you don’t actually see much dance.
However running people are nice…. I should do a video of running… just running.

yeah.

Noted that I lost on the festival:
one notebook, with a little of spanish studies
“the way things are” book by lama Ole Nydahl
Sleeping bag
Knife

Sleeping bag is super annoying since I didn’t take it to the festival…. Someone else did I think.
Too bad.

It will come.
It’s already here.

Dance… what is dance?
Philosophy, what is it?
Religion/belief, what is it?
Me, what is it?

All the same. Take care, as always.

Please do tell me

Tryingto find cheap way from ibiza to barcelona and back.
No change, too late, and bad deal with the teaching in the sense that I really won’t make ANY money, on the opposite, but money comes. So why worry…

Plans getting bit clearer but plan is a plan, plan is not what happens.

Still tired after the festival, small hous is full of people, well actually outside of the house.
It’s actually really nice, kind of slow descending from the festival instead of total change.

Yesterday had a nice talk with Lior. He told about his trip to japan and zen monastry and I kept thinking that I have to get ore selfdicipline, for everything.

Did something to Irene’s leg, knee. I think it got a bit better but it will take time. I’m interested in “healing” work, but there’s so many different methods that I don’t know what to study, and nothing really calls me.

Spanair’s site keeps actin up. bummer.

I don’t even know what else.

Please do tell me

Last day of the festival, well, last full day.
It’s been good, me still feeling lazy. But I’ve done the whole Mirva’s intensive.
Morning class is just starting. I think I’m out since I’m here in netherworld.

Staying here. Well, for some reason unfamiliar discomfort is always harder than familiar one. But I just have to remind myself that familiar discomfort is still discomfort and it looks like nothing new is coming up in finland… So I made a choice to stay.
There is no right choices, which means there’s no wrong ones either.
Except that there is.
Now I try to follow this choice.
At least I feel I have good reason for it, but I need more reason.
Things to do.

People lying on the floor.
Everything is always late here, and I’m not talking about mere 10 minutes.
Have to get used to this.
Have to learn the language.
Have to…
I don’t but maybe, just maybe I want to.

Yesterday talking about relationships, connections between people and what ever that means.
Coming to the point of questioning the nature of “self” again.
Asking does she want an open relationship.
She asking back reminding that there is a lot of beautiful women here.
So what.
Answer is no.
Reading Diceman yet again and it’s so true, how many conflicting desires we have. Me noticing of being a bit envious to some of my fellow finnish, and at the same time being extremely happy that I’m here and not there. Many selfs, many desires, many potentials, many futures, many possibilities. So who am I?

In my teaching, which went ok, but I stil felt slightly dissapointed, I start to use more and more words channel, flow through, earth. Telling people that we are weak, and earth is strong, and for this long it has provided us all that we got, and it still keeps doing so even if we are misusing it hugely. I am a vessel, a channel, a canal, a river bed, and all of this (that there is) is flowing through me, I never have anything, I never am anything, and yet…. I am time-being, I’m time, I’m perception, I’m mirror, I’m nothing.

I like this story:

The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen master to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism.
“What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?” the emperor inquired.
“Vast emptiness… and not a trace of holiness,” the master replied.
“If there is no holiness,” the emperor said, “then who or what are you?”
“I do not know,” the master replied.

I do not know.

People wandering out of the room, batteries running empty… connections keeping up.

I keep thinking that I’m giving up something. But I’m not giving up anything, just because there’s nothing to give up. But realization of this, embodiment of it, is rather hard.
me me me mine mine mine.

Good night and good luck to you all.

Please do tell me