Just for now


Here I am… making a mess around me and eating too much.
Spending days at the computer, just like I should.

I made this in marseilles, I guess. I don’t know where these little pieces of melodies come to my head, I whistle them, or hum them or something. And i don’t know where the sadness comes. There’s a lot of reason to be sad, but there’s a lot of reasons to be happy as well.

On this, i detect some of hope. All of the hopes that I had, have. And yes, it’s sad to let them go… but it was only hopes, nothing really, she says, nothing at all.

When does a thing become a thing?
What creates a meaning?
We do.
And what if you don’t create a meaning at all. What do we have then? Nothing, nothing at all.

This touch is no more real and the meaning that you give to it.
What you create?
what I create?
what we create?

Maybe that’s why, seeing or hearing that those hopes were nothing, treated like nothing, i feel sad.
or maybe.. they really were nothing and all is ok.

Meaning is a strange thing… because only I can make it, only us. Present doesn’t mean anything if it’s not linked into the system of past and future.

What should I give a meaning to?

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Color and Shame


walking in frankfurt this started to play in my head…
did a first version… this is the 2nd one lacking voices… and even this could be sharper…
I wait for the day that I do these super well…

Somehow… strange times we are living, Brexit and colonialism and Brasil and EU and Trump and everything.

And I’m in love, not handeling it well, Wanting to handle it much better.

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keep coming up


This city is sunny.
Over there it’s probably raining again.

I can’t believe that you can’t see.
Who you are, who I am.

when I’m given what I want I start to question what is it that I want.
A story, beautiful one. And it’s ruined already. Saddened by distrust and blindness.

I continue being afraid, of so many things. One after another, at the same time.
And I’m profoundly tired of the me that I am, and yet I cannot discard it, let it be lost. SO many things are lost already.

You are uncapable of explaining yourself.
Uncapable of really trusting, or seeing.

I am uncapable of bending, I rather brake.

I really really try. To give time.
But I need to give more for myself.
I hear that you are right on that.

Why are apologies so difficult.
To admit that it was wrong. I was wrong. I’m sorry.

Insanity has such a different forms.

Dance, leather, I was never good with practical work. Never had the patience to practice practice practice.
Leave things undone, unfinished. halfway.

I have less and less to write, but much to say. But I’m far from convinving.

And you, with your smile and sincerity, go around the world, get invited, like you should.
and because you are far enough, or too far, it’s impossible to be envious to you.

Things don’t clear.
I’m waiting.
for all to pass.

Chosen Path


Ok, I need new pictures.

In Paris, lot of everything, my head is the same.
But played some guitar.

I started to play this in xiamen china… It’s same old, if you take one of my first songs, “million miles” and this, they are very much the same in the simplicity and in chords as well… I can’t escape it. I don’t create I repeat. but I still enjoy it a lot..

So, i recirded this with my sennheiser momentum headphones, they have the mic you see, so it’s actually that mic, hanging from my headphones. 2 guitars, 4 vocals. 2 vocals doubling the main, 1 vocal doing harmony under and other doing the same harmony one octave above. Fairly simple.

I would-t know how I’ve been, since I
fell down on the chosen path

All of this is a dream, so why
we think it should last

I’ve been holding thightly my head , but I
still see the fallen ones

No one knows anything, all just
repeating patterns from the past

Either you hold onto me, or the
wind blows us far apart

neither truth is here to see, nor the
lies fills the holes of our hearts

all this fullness is so empty, and the
freedom is not our part

why not to let things just be, as they
have been from the start

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if not now, when


I notice.
on current year, I wrote on august, and september. So why not november.

I’m in china. The internet works funny. No google, no Facebook. Not all bad, but god, aren’t I dependable.
No answers, but I’m working. First with katja in Japan, which was great. Not because of the work but because of the people we met. Zden, Takao, Yuuki, Kyoko, Gaiken, Ayaka, Hanano, Seika, Maya, Tomomi, Toshio list goes on…
One of the greatest thing was the last week teaching in high school. The students were Great, just simply, great.

Now I’m on my second day in china and chongquin. And it has been great as well. I’ve been well taken care of, and it seems it will continue for the next month. In a day we are heading for the tea country and the pictures I’ve seen have been amasing, and I assume the place will be even more amazing.

I keep missing to somewhere else, but at the same time I’m ok where I am. I know that I’ll get there anyway.

Musically.. well, James Welburn’s Hold, is just stunning. Also new Senking sound good.

So why am I writing. Mundane notes about life. I guess just for writing.

New languages to learn.
I am amazed. Yet this might not be recognizable.

I feel, that after this travel, I’m ready not to travel.
Come to me, and I come to you.

A company


I’m here, next to you. Sitting, fast moving.
Cars, planes, bikes.
Dancing, and rarely I’m dancing.

Not life itself.
Not knowing anything of life at all.
A company, commentary.

You say(see) it’s not enough.
I wouldn’t know it yet.

And all the sign I read, say love.
And I agree, love is not enough.
Life is, but I know nothing about it.

And on some other land, you think off jumping.
Over here I think of jumping.
Most of my childhood I dreamt of falls.

I dream having wakizashi in my back, a simple one with all wood covers. Knowing I would like one, but unless…

I would like to return, to have a place to return to.
And I always return to two places, finland and ibiza.
I could stay more in this island. Although I still have no idea what am I doing here, but this feels good. Eventhough at the same time I’m not happy with the extensive use of petrol.

I wish for invitations, to teach, to do, to learn.

Weeks ago a conversation about decisions and how to make them. Other people’s decisions are always easier than your own.
A company.
But own are the same,
A company.

I’m asked if I’m a poet, since what I write in facebook. and yes I am, but who publishes poetry, and who tells when the poetry is good enough to be published. A book, pages, a company.

I don’t mind working but I’m still not sure what the work is.
Bojan telling that holidays are best because then you can work… all of that administration stuff etc is just things to survive, but the thing that you love, that’s the work.

Love love love.

I can’t remember when some one has touched me as lovingly, with as much love as you do.

Croissants and coffee, I like the coffee machines.
There would be a million albums to buy.
Do I want work, or to survive.
Love love love.

And the current goverment is fucking up so badly that I’m thinking when the first acts of terrorism appear.
Fucking greedy corporation cumsuckers.
If life should be deserved, they deserve not.

Who the hell voted them? and yes, I know they broke their promises, but I’m not surprised.

People are amazing.
A company.



Do not breathe.
get away from your body.
Sense nothing, no touch, no vision, no aural, no smell, no taste, no being, no space.
Think too much.
But really Think!

A commentary.
See how you compose, conceptualise the surroundings and yourself.
Stop doing that.
and you don’t see.
It finishes.
and so do you.
You are not your “mind”
You are not your “body”

If you are, you are.
not having anything at all.
You are not.

Time is a “flow” of sensations, but sensations do not flow, nor does time.
An “event” is the time frame where a change is made and/or acknowledged/recognised.
It is conceptual time and the time of conceptualization.
Other time is not conceptualised into an event and as such does not exist.
Things do pass nevertheless and “things” do change.

You are dependable of things and things of you. Nevertheless they do exist wether you conceptualise them or not, wether you are or not.

a machine


“Somewhere, long time ago, I read that conflict is the origin of everything.
To not to agree.
To oppose a force, is to gather it, intensify.
Think of the dammed river.
Think of winds, tornados.
But eventually dam will either brake or overflow.
To resist to find something new,
To reguide.
Why am I fighting for. Why am I fighting? Or why I you? the hate, the fear?
Is violence the last resort of the unheard, not being listened, not having a change to change the environment, not having any other means of change.
When I feel I cannot affect my surroundings, be heard, I become angry… Thoughlesss violence. Little by little it becomes thought, thinking, how to affect. and then, it is called terrorism. And at the same time, it’s the byrocracy, the state, that is terrorizing me, pushing me to the point where I feel I have no option, no chances.
ONE. How can I reguide this force? how could I find options where there’s not, chance where I see none.
TWO. If your violence is born from the same, how could I support you, turn your aggression to the place of support. Without needing to defeat, without needing to crush, with out need to play it down or belittle, but to take in and turn that momentum into something that I can support?
In this world of abundance, in a world where, even with this overpopulation we could still feed and shelter and even educate us all… why do we deprive each others. Why do I feel lost and clueless on what to do, and how could I be in the place that is right for me.
If this is a machine, it should be breaked and redesigned. It’s not a machine, it’s us. can we change?”

I wrote this to a friend, thinking of a piece that I have been thinking for ages but never had the capability of actually applying the funds.
I haven’t been writing over here for such a log time, and since it feels that I would be again mainly complaining how I don’t know anything, I don’t want to write now either.

I would like to find people who would have a clear, straight forward ideas for work how would like to hear my twisted and not so straightforwards ideas for work and then work together.
It’s funny how I think that this world should really stop revolving around work and at the same time I want work. So, I don’t need work, but I need that I’m sustained and that I have meaningful things to do. It shouldn’t be so much to ask, but apparently it is.

Such is life.

About improvisation

I was asked to write so I write.
Can I improvise my writing?
and what does that mean, to not to think? to not to re-adjust? To leave it raw? How it came into being?

As always, words are tricky and so is this one.
One of the nicest examples of imrovisation (in one sense) is MacGyver, if you’re about the same age as me, you might remember the TV series about this guy who can do almost anything out of merely nothing. So in otherwords, to improvise. But always there’s a goal, there is a need. We need a key to get out of the building, well I have pliers and paperclip and thus I can make a key. You improvise because you don’t have the thing(s) or tools that would be optimal for the job needed to be done, but you have something and you can turn that something to do the thing that is needed.

When we talk about movement improvisation or musical improvisation, we are not quite in the same place. The question is the goal? Do you have a goal or not? Do you have an aim. When the improvisation is placed on a stage, and it becomes an performance the goal appears. Often it’s not super articulated, but as a performer, what do you hope for? That the audience would enjoy themselves? That they would enjoy your presence? That you would be admired? That you would enjoy yourself? That you would feel good? That audience would be moved emotionally? That audience would readjust their thinking or view of the world?
All of these are goals, and it would be good to notice which of them (there can be more) are in action within myself when I think about improvised performance, or am actually performing.

Unfortenutaly I do feel that most of these goals are not very helpful.

Ok let’s look at something, not so different. A play. More we grow we are playing by the rules. The games and rules are more and more complicated, and usually set. We either play by the rules or try to avoid them. But the rules are there. When I look children playing (let’s say from 3-6 years) they’re are in the state of constant improvisation (ok ok not always). The play is all the time improvised and thus negotiated between the players. The relations are or at least can be in move, they are not necessarily set, they are dynamic in the sense that everything can be changed in next minute. If someone just comes up with the better idea and the others in the play, or most of the others, agree. And if you ask about the goal? There is no goal. None of the players are keeping score or are thinking about where or what they should get. The importance is the play itself. And eventhough there is no clear results, something is happening, something is being achieved, something is done, something is being found (eventhough it could be lost again in a next month, next day, next minute). Instead of setting fixed positions, fixed foundings, everything stays dynamic, almost chaotic, in movement. Of course by the time, certain patterns start to fix: Who is the leader, who is friends with whom. In a cynical way you could perceive the play as a finding out of the hierarchy of the pack. But eventhough I am cynical, I can’t quite reduce the action of a play into hierarchies. The hierarchies are there, yes, but they are never fixed and in most of the cases they are not important, not relevant. The mistake that adults often make is to think of the play as not important. Often because there is no goal, because there is no aim. But because of that lack of aim, the play is the most serious research about the world that can be done.

When I think of movement improvisation, I think a lot of play. Most of the things are open, the scale can shift, everything is known and unkown at the same time, and there’s a lot to be found. If I fix an aim, something is already lost. If I fix a field, a scale, a viewpoint, something is lost, but at the same time it can help me focus and thus find things I wouldn’t find without. Important thing is though, that I try to loose all of the goals. I’m not doing the improvisation as a tool, in order to achieve something. I’m doing it because it’s there to be done. It is necessary, needed. It does have a reason. Way too often, in life, we do not trust that reason, that necessity enough. We have been educated to find the right answer, to have a goal, to have an aim, to be ambitious. To have a (external) meaning. And we don’t trust that the “play”, the improvisation does have A meaning. And I’m not talking about even emotional meanings, just A meaning.

To lay on the floor without intentions
To open the curtain as if not knowing
To hear the sounds of the streets below, a bird
To do things that are stupid
To not the be beautiful
To be someone else for a while
To be yourself and not quite knowing
To know, everything for once
To forget the things that were to become
To remember
To do everything just like you always do, almost

It’s not that we wouldn’t be present. We are always present, it’s just that we tend to forget that.
I tend to forget.
To improvise is to question my perception and my reality. To find something I always knew was there (I just forgot).
When I perform the improvisation, my ability to let go of goals, should still be there. Not to be worried am I interesting enough, is the audience enjoying or pleased, but just to open my questioning, for to audience. To make the process (whatever it might be) visible. To invite to take part (and this doesn’t mean that audience should improvise or move or leave their seats). To take a risk of failing, of not finding anything interesting (and that might be the most interesting thing ever).

But do not think that I would encourage to just to go and “perform”. Often I encounter thinking that improvised performance is just “done without thinking”, “just something”. In order to really question, to be curious and open that process for the audience, it needs practice. It really needs work, not only that you improvise, on your own or together, but you work on opening that channel, of being perceived while you improvise.
Here we encounter another “conflict” of words and concepts. It can’t be “work” because it has no goal/aim. It can’t be “work” because you don’t “know” what your doing? It can’t be “work” because you “just” improvise. Most of the work that is done on this earth is completely useless, it’s done only to run this unsustainable economical system. It has no more real value, or goals. Actually it has even less value, but, as always values are relative.

So I say, Improvisation is a work with a meaning no other than the work/improvisation itself. This does not make the work isolated from surroundings, but it makes it hard to place a set value to it.

Going in circles, no?

Ok, I’ll come back to this.. later on.

Fin lan dia


All the things I think I do I don’t do, unless I have to.
Original though of, what the hell I’m going to do here for 3 weeks turns to, oh my less than a week and I still haven’t done this and this.

Beautiful people here, but I still think I might live somewhere else.

In germany they estimated my dentistry to be about 700€
I came here, over here it has been 670€ with government health support (but in private dentist, to public side in helsinki you have at least 3 months lines). So what do I learn, just fix them where you are… And I’m not even sure how well is it made over here… since the teeth that had cavities didn’t hurt, but now after fixing they do hurt.. And now I also lost one wisdom tooth that still keeps bleeding.. slightly..

Good news is that after last sunday’s dancing in the jam my back feels normal. It was hurting for a long time after Ibiza. But now, it seems to be quite ok, although I need to take care of myself.

Did a treatment for Gesa. I was really tired, but I also felt that I should be doing it more. There’s so many things from which I feel I should do it more. Singing, playing, massaging, dancing, writing, reading, art.

Since a loss of warehouse space I’ve been organising a lot of my stuff again… Just noticed, oh yeah. will I get my home at some point, where to listen all of the tons of vinyl I have. And, I still have plenty of music I haven’t really listened to.

Got a bunch of stuff from raster-noton, and that label doesn’t let me down. Some brilliant stuff. Most of the UNUNN series are delightful… well.. half… and Senking is really good.
Digitized some stuff from drone records drone-mind series and they are brilliant as well.

Right now listening to Nadja’s Queller which I should get in the starting week on vinyl. Great great great. I am still amazed of the quantity and quality that Aidan makes. There’s so much, and all of it is if not superb, then good.

Soon back to frankfurt and school. things to do. Would like to visit some friends close to germany but again it seems like there would be no time at all. we are busy all the time till xmas holidays.

Really no great revelations. I could write about the books I should read, but I won’t right now. Let’s just say that I heard a (another) lecture by Mårten Spångberg which was inspiring, well, no answers but anyway. Already before the whole public commons and undercommons in FFM was great and lot of inspiring people talking. Then readin Agamben, Patterson and Debord with some others… But a lot more reading to do.
Oh yeah, IF you have a change read Vaslav Nijinsky’s diaries, the real non edited one. It’s great, and saddening at the same time. I remember how few years back “sacre” was in finnish Opera house (the Hodson reconstruction) and now I’m really dissapointed that I didn’t go to see it.

World and people are amazing.

Unkind of me


School has ended yet, I should write two text. Another ones deadline is tomorrow, another is on 1st of september but since I know I’ll leave and go through festivals from 9th of august till 13th of september I really should write it now. Before the 8th…

But instead of writing I recorded a song that is very old. Again I doubled, with garage bands and air’s own mic’s so it’s not like amazing.. but I wish I can records this one sometime later really well.. well. I hope the same with all of my songs but it’s clear I need people for that.

Anyway, for this one I have a video in my head.. I think.. but.. you know.

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Fresh and Decayed


So since I didn’t go to the mountains.
And since I should work for my “referat”.
Ans since Hannah borrowed her guitar.
And since Pauliina ask me about music.

I played guitar after a long while.
Decided to use the “poem” I made as a lyrics.

Recorded it and doubled it.
Again not really polished but hey…

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Time ago, St peter


I’m sitting on the bench close to a railwaystation, in kind of a park, or square, but a small one.
You’re inside, buying or changing the ticket. I don’t know, or remember.

Sitting on the bench, watching people, passing, moving on. some sitting on other benches.

Young woman walks through. She has somehow deformed legs, but she’s wearing high heels.
And I want to…
I want to…
Tell that she’s beautiful..
No, first I want to tell her not to wear those stupid high heels.
And then I think who am I to tell her that, we all want to be beautiful. And this is russia, women, beautiful women wear high heels. And she has every right to, even if it seem to make her walking even more difficult or painful.
And I can’t pity her, because pity does nothing.

There’s so many crossing emotions through me, so many wants and eventually being so helpless to do anything that could change anything. I feel tears swelling in my eyes.

I want to tell her that she’s beautiful
I want to tell her that she’s beautiful
I want to tell her that she’s beautiful

Tears running on my cheeks…

Passing your…


What is happening?
I want a wife and family, tricky to find though.
Oh, and a nice job since at somepoint I do need things to do, except when the children are small.

So did my class on Cunningham. Was lost, and finally by copying what was done in DVD found a physical senstaion that was the base of the class.
Class didn’t really go so well.. but it was interesting nevertheless. I’m out of counting beats.
So afterwards, because we had the wilde woche in monsounturm, teaching professional classes. But my class wasn’t professional, I didn’t teach. The funny thing is that I understood it really well, but still there was this moment that it doesn’t feel good. I wrote about it a lot…

I am an image. How I see myself is an image. How others see me is an image. Image(s) are created by actions but also how those actions is perceived/valued. Since my value system is different than (possible) surrounding group, the image I have of myself is different than image other people have. Thus there is a conflict because of course I want to be appreciated and accepted. In order to “improve” my image on the eyes of others I need to act through their values, which will render the image of myself to something that I don’t appreciate. Thus there’s a conflict. And there’s no escape.
So the only way to work on this conflict is let it last and just follow what I want to do, what is my interest. If teaching dance, professionally or not, is something that I “can’t” do, because the definition of professionalism differs from my own, why am I in this school? Well, I’m here to study, not for the job, not for the society but for myself. I’m only here for myself with the hope I find people who I can share all of this with. I have good people around (I like to group and most of the teachers), I have really good library with plenty of books and it seems that I have the time, so I should take most out of it. For myself.

So now, I have loads of books that I don’t get really to read, because let’s face it, reading takes time. But no worries I can borrow them again. Read Guy Debords “Society of the Spectacle”, reading Agambe’s “state of exception” and yeah, I have a huge bunch of books home. right now I’m downloading the movie Society of the spectacle by Guy Debord. And today I want to go to lecture on Hannah Arendt’s theory of judgement. Great, I just need a bunch of more energy to read and think and people to talk and oh, yeah, someone to share my life with.

It’s… I don’t know what, but on past days I searched of Hannah Arendt, and then I come to Eichmann and then these EU elections and all of the right wing movements “winning”. We don’t really learn a lot from history. At the same time, I understand it. The current capitalist politics is driving people into the point that they want change, unfortenutaly they’re blaming the wrong people. It’s not the immigrants, it’s the whole system of corporations and politics clustered together making decision not based on people’s well being but based on “economy” and consuming. What we need is food and shelter and nice thigns to do, not things, as objects but things to do, as actions. It all is so very simple that we just can’t help but to fuck it up. Amazing.

About objects: I want to get some books for my own. I’m addicted to bags, but I don’t need any. And I would like to get all of the Daniel Menche’s plus the whole missing catalog of Raster-Noton, and bunch of other music. But this is all old news.

In my head there’s 97% certainty, but the 3% is giving me trouble, so I need to solve that 3%. maybe in coming days.

Communication is a funnny thing. Because we all are relations, we are “communication” at the same time we are a complex network of relations so there’s really nothing to communicate.
Old news.

“I wake up today
and take the truth by the hand
Truth is an alien”



Not even near helsinki, but somehow home anyway.

Trips to Finland and spain were great.
More in detail. I already wrote something about the work with D & S, It was good, and I thikn very nice beginning, I’m very greatful for both of them working and specially for Sara because she arranged all the spaces we ahd for free and so on. The little work in progress we showed went well as well. It’s just clear that in order to do those things really well that I’m mainly interested, we need more time, and Sara’s back to be ok (she hurt it on the previous week before our rehearsals started). I also performed my solo, got some feedback from the people I don’t know, and a not at all from the few people I know. But it’s like this. I’ll add the video from it to darlingdear.net at some point. Anyway, Sevilla was great, also as a city. Since I was living so close to the center I had a feeling that it’s rather small, but apparently it’s not. The old center is lovely, and I found rather good mint ice cream eventually as well.

Malaga is smaller, as a city it feels bigger, but the old town is much smaller, I found one really nice cafe/juice bar, Ultimo Mono, I really recommend if you’re in Malaga. Was staying at Virginia and Thomas, and they were great, just like last time. One of the best things about teaching CI is actually the people you meet. We had quite a few discussions with Virgi about nature of reality, almost to the point of arguing. Also had nice talk with guys who came from Sevilla to the workshop and stayed at Virgi and Thomas as well. had a ncie change to perform in the contemporary art museum of Malaga, almost totally the same sequencing as in Sevilla, so not so much of improvisation, I should do more in order to find the courage again. But both performances (Sevilla and Malaga) were about 27 minutes. It’s getting longer, and in Malaga I felt it could have taken even a bit more time.
After workshop had a nice long talk with one dancer from Granada, (name escapes me, like always), and we came to conclusion that since it’s all rather hopeless in a way, to dance and make art is more than valid option. Yeah, long discussion about politics and quality and art. I really enjoy talking with people. I wish I could make my living out of that.

Then through Madrid to ibiza. I love the Island, but I don’t really know much people there. And I really don’t find things to do. Then again I’m not good finding things to do anywhere. But it was nice to see Monica and Matias and Sebastian a bit.

Through Madrid to Bilbao. I really liked Bilbao. There was some changes in the arrangements. But Mireya was meeting me at the bus terminal with the boyfriend of her sister (since he speaks more english than she does) and we walked around and he was telling me about the history of the city and showing places. I really like Basque, specially the names, although I forget them, like names always. Anyway, with them and some more friend of them we went to eat pinxos and drink, some more of their friends joining. Pinxos are good, although I think they should put slightly bit more effort to make also vege options. I eat meat, but I just noticed the lack of non-meat non-fish options. Went with Mireyas sister and the boyfriend to arrierra.. uh… can’t remember.. and again had a nice discussion about the politics and specially about education in finland and in spain. As it happens I stayed with Carme, who is a teacher, so I had more discussions about politics, education and so on, within finland and in spain. Workshop was small but nice. it didn’t go quite so well as I hoped, well, it was for 10 hours, and I felt that I would have wished for one hour more. But already most of people we kind of overloaded with the info so it wasn’t bad. On sunday we ended already at 14 and because I was told that I should drink cider over there, I of course wanted to get some. Again the Basque word escapes my memory. Because it’s not Cidra over there, of course. Also, spanish and Basque Cidra is quite different than the english/french one. It’s actually very close to the applewine I can get from Frankfurt. But, we went to eat some pinxos and dring Sagardo (Cidra, google finds everything, even if my memory won’t). Afterwards I stayed it Uxue and we walked around the city as she showed me places and told more about the history and so on. Very very lovely evening.

So, it’s nice to travel and talk with people, but it would be nice to create something bit more stable with them. or have a stable place where to talk with people and create and then go out and talk more and share perspectives. Teaching is one way, but I start to dislike the idea of teaching, meaning that there would be someone who knows. Teaching is almost always working within a hierarchy and creating a hierarchy, and lately I’ve been thinking a lot how is it possible to create classes that would deconstruct hierarchies, or even deconstruct identities, identity. Dasha has been studying critical theory so asked some writers from ehr (need to ask more) and on my last evening in Madrid we were having a dinner with Diana, jonathan and Elena, and I asked Jonathan also to recommend me some books. HE told a bit about the butoh school in dharamsala where the teacher well, doesn’t call himself a teacher but a midwife, and never gives personal feedback. Nevertheless I’m almost sure that even there is a hierarchy of some sort, we humans have great difficulties to do without.

the whole time of my journey I have been rather depressed watching what is going on with ukraina. and yes no one has the full info, but adding up what has been happening in russia for a long time, it doesn’t really look good. And at the same time when watching finalnd, or spain, it doesn’t really look good. It’s amazing, Stalin died in 53′ and he was in power until then. Franco died in 77′ and yet it seems that no one remembers anything but actually votes persons into power who are only limiting the “freedom” of the people. ” ” because freedom is a very tricky concept. but as soon as people can’t gather outside to demonstrate, or those demonstrations are met with unnecessary force. Or legistlations are made to justify that unnecessary force, well. That is some heavy limitations, by the persons/organisation who want to stay in power. And no I don’t understand how any thinking being can support that.

But in this world there’s not so much thinking anyway. What ever the hippies might say. I hope I have written about this already.

With the school I’m lost. I have no idea how to do my next class and how I relate to thins guy teaching cunningham. I don’t get it, I just don’t.

Well, it’s not super serious, of course it is, but it isn’t. So we balance.

Been happy writing thoughts, on paper.
posting them to FB since no one reads this but me, and I don’t think much of people check darling dear.net so often either. Actually I triple post almost everything.. dd, sinewaved, instagram, FB, quadruple.

All this “sharing” and information floting around, only to create me, out of me. Maybe sometimes it tells something, to someone.

Music wise, New Ulver is out, Been out for long. I’m lost. Still haven’t listened it, and I never got so into war of roses.. so I have 2 albums to listen to. Yeah, it’s sad not to be working with somehting nice and earning money to buy all the albums I wish to have.

And Daniel Menche is Awesome, Marriage of Metals and Vilke are superb.

And Rob Crow made a second album in 2011 and I still don’t have it as vinyl, but I have it and just because of Sophistructure it’s awesome.

Otherwise no new discoveries?

Well, Monopot that turned into Rally that turned into Summen has turned into Beta Man. You can get them for free from blacksmokerecords.com, go go.

Goodnight and good luck to you all

And on we go


Could write, but again I’m nonplussed, what?

That my descriptions for my classes are way too unclear for my teachers.
And I’m thinking how much it has to do with the culture. And how much it has to do with me being unclear or wanting to be unclear.

In someways, clarity is utter bore.

Poetry is never clear yet it is. But what is the content of information? well yeah…

Have worked about 5 days with Dasha and Sara, it’s good but we would need at least 2 weeks more.
But we knew that this is a try out, something to consider, shall we continue or not. Of course D going to Brasil, and maybe S as well, we need to think where and how to continue.. if…
But all and all it’s been great.

Then off to Malaga, then off to Ibiza, then off to Bilbao… then off to Frankfurt.

Interest and uninterest. Engaged, disengaged.
Still thinking how this nothing disengaged from everything.

Life is good.
Actually no, that is a lie.
Life is.

And away


On the last meeting before the semester break starts, director of the department wonders how to make me really work. I wonder the same.

It all doesn’t make much sense.

I get a call of another disappointment, and I don’t know wether to be ok, or really angry.

I see people on SOS and enjoy immensely.
Some people can be straight and honest and I appreciate that.
I dance with all of my friends and realize that there’s no one like them, that there’s no one like anyone.
It’s such a gift, to move together, enjoy so much that it’s not even enjoying, because in order to enjoy there should be someone to enjoy, and there is just the dance. Immersed into it.

I see shortly my mother and my father. Realising that I’m old, and they’re old. And it might be that I don’t see them for another year unless I choose to visit them. But time seems to be going somewhere eventhough there’s nothing else. And I feel disengaged, too far, and I don’t know how to engage, to tell them again that I love them, and that sometimes I feel I’ve let them down since it seems I still can’t survive without their financial support.

I spend a day with my frined marko, digitazing new and old vinyls. And I feel like a bad friend, occasionally, since it’s so hard to concentrate and be present.

And I’m flying to frankfurt and I’m flying to madrid.
And I sent a message to the message board faintly hoping that someone would answer me, or not just someone but certain someone. And I’m afraid I said too much already because I don’t really know what is there.

And I have this wish of finding.. but then I decide that it’s me who is found. and that someone will find me if it didn’t happen already.

And I don’t find my flight on the webpage, so I call to the airport, since they had strike yesterday and since my flatmate couldn’t get her plane this morning. But they assure me that everything is ok, although is should leave soon.

And I can’t get my phone to download map of madrid to Gmaps… maybe it’s google and not my phone.
but approximately I know where to go..

And I chose not to be in madrid and not to be in bilbao so much, but instead to fly to ibiza to eat the chocklad hearts of my adopted sister… who is a sister of so many. And to see Sebastian and Matias who I like a lot.

And I’m going tomorrow to Sevilla to work with 2 women I haven’t met in two years, and I want to make a piece with them, for them. And it’s exiting and scary at the same time because I just don’t know what is going to come out.. I’m afraid that I will fail, somehow, eventhough I’m not sure what failing is within this context. I was hoping for a trio, but I get a duet, i think.

And I’ll perform “everything’s the same” once again, hopefully in Sevilla and in Malaga. And again I’m afraid that no one like’s it. But at the same time, it doesn’t need to be liked, hopefully it will move someone.

And I’m aware of all of the work I should do for the studies, but I haven’t done that yet… I hope, that in Sevilla I have time to read and write as well… eventhough I’ll not have the big screen for it.

And I notice that I’m an addict since the last thing I pack is the computer and the first thing I unpack is computer.

On perfroming (badly)


Indecisive decision making

Performance. everything is always performance, everything.
Me eating my bread alone in my room is performing. You see how you perform yourself in order to be yourself?
I perform being good, I perform being bad. So what am I, a continuous performance not ending untill the death takes me or I return?
I performed well, heartrate monitors, timelaps, things to be carried. To play a role when there’s no roles…. wait.. how can there….
So who is there performing? There’s nothing there except the performance and that’s why it’s so difficult to stop because nothing is a scary thing, but it’s scary only for the performance, it is not scary to nothing itself since it is not it. Thus performance keeps on going in order to go and when it stops it is not there and nothing else is there either. So it doesn’t really matter is the performance good or bad, well… it’s an secondary idea because what is important is that it keeps going. Secondary is it a good performance or bad performance. In order to be a good performances there needs to be bad performances. But this performance wants, secondary be a good performance, primaly it wants to keep on going because somehow performance has a sense of living eventhough it is not life itself. Life will go on with out the performance, but performance has difficulties to believe or understand that. Let’s go to the secondary. A good versus bad performance. This performance is this performance and thus this performance makes separate performance in the world, performance ”around” in and in the performances in it. The Grand performance is always just a performance, but the performances can be qualified within it and what is making the qualification, a performance that is comparing other performances to another not seeing that all and all it is just a one big performance. When will this big performance realise itself? or when will the performance truly end all together? If performance is NOT life, can we have life without performance where life is just life. No things all things and life isn’t even life, life is death and death is life and this is it and that’s it.

Free Written on ”body mind precence” workshop as a task to write about performance
Bold parts chosen later on scanning through text and picking “main points”

This text above is also to be found somewhere else.
I felt I catched something but I don’t really get it.
You know, because there is no one to get it.
It’s all crazy around here…

If it would be, it would be this

I’m trying to keep several thigns up at the same time, according to writing and to where I am writing.
Not very easy that, but at the same time the others are clearly for me so eventhough everything is open in this WWW, I don’t think anyone will ever find those things because I can’t think what would be the interest. Unless I start to write more interesting things about my studies.

Well there’s interesting things about studies, but I’m not articulating those thing very well.
I’m in this mm.. conflict(?) within the interests. Right now I’m reading book by Andre Lepecki, “Exhausting dance” and it’s really hugely interesting, and at the same time I feel that I could never create dance through such a analyctical though points of views eventhough I like to think myself as analytical. Nevertheless when faces with real analytical thinking I have a tendency to lift my hands up and give up.
The world is such a complex network of… yes what… networks. and at the same time world is so simple.
Some of the feeling I get when reading Lepecki, or philosophy, or UG Krishnamurti is that we would have this parasite within us, or within language… That actually the really living thing is something else than the biological beings, but actually the being is really living in the network of language or symbols that the biological beings create, and somehow that network of symbols or that being(s) living there are controlling the biological being, and we are traped within, and only through luck we can break free of it..
And it’s not even social control, it’s far beyond of normativeness of social/unsocial behaviours, it’s hidden inside of the very.. not even language but thinking… not even thinking but being… Somehow

On summer in Berlin I saw a dream.
For a long time I have though, and in some I still think that language is ideas, ideas made visible and without language it would not be. Of course different people think by different means, and language is one way of articulating the idea.
However in this dream I was having dicussion with Sveta who at point had told me that it’s so difficult for her since first she has to make a though and then she has to translate that into english, like there’s double process, first making the idea/though into language and then translating that into another language.
And I was explaining back to her that there’s a double work, that if I use a lot of english like I do now, I don’t need to translate from language to another but i can “dress” the though with the language needed. Unfortenutaly at the moment I have only 2 ways of (a)dressing, Finnish and English.
That living being, a parasite, or truth or what ever is in that space before the language, before the social concepts, bending the biological into it’s use.. until we break free.

Eventually the freedom comes, but it doesn’t come to me, it comes, and it’s only it. It’s nothing else.
So language or thinking is eventually locked up. Now most of the hippie friends will be happy because this is their mantra, but unfortenutaly they’re fucked as well. Because when advocating “feeling”, “heart” “emotion” they are as locked up. Because actually is not language that is locked up, it’s all categories, which tend to come from language, but to be aware without language of somekind doesn’t seem to be possible at all.

I wrote about communication before, and how the only reason to communicate is that there is categories or concept of, I You We Us etc… Leave those and there’s no one and nothing to communicate about. No inside, no outside…
Ah something about language and communication: watch.

So, coming back to myself.. Why am I doing what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Why it would be important to do?
Is there a way to change things when things are always changing?
If not, then why not, and how not not?

More importantly, can dance, movement or non-movement, tell something about where how what when?
If there is me, what is the role of me?
If there is a role.

Yesterday was solictice. Winter started over here, but for me we are heading towards spring. Midwinter is over.

Stop, start.


Just a short note.
Rob Crow is Great.

For a long time I haven’t checked Temporary residence’s webpage, well. i don’t have the money… But my god, I better get it and soon :D

Listen to this.

rob crow – sophistructure

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I love it.

And it’s old already.
Actually Rob has one of the most beautiful voices in the rock pop industry.. sure, tehre’s hundreds of others, but his voice is also very recognizable.
Great stuff indeed.

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